pregnant and confused

[ellen]

Hello-

I have an Nmom and sister and have recently had a successful pregnancy from in-vitro. Its so bizarre, my husband is pressuring me to tell them, but I am terrified to do so, as if the babies will get cursed. After my mom dropped me from therapy (I posted here a long time ago about how she tried to sabotage my wedding by doing this 2 days before in a nasty note, in an attempt to "check mate" my decisions), I haven't spoken to her. She was calling me as if nothing was wrong, but I was saying therapy or no contact. She then stated she had the right to call me whenever and as much as she wanted despite what I said. It got to the point where I had to threaten a restraining order. She laughed at me at first, told me I didn't know what I was talking about, but I stayed firm, and now she hasn't called and there is no contact.

With my sister, she pulled some bullying stuff at her own weddding in October. I have hit this wall where its NO MORE ABUSE, so after she accused me of trying to sabotage her wedding because I was not talking to our mother (swearing at me and telling me I hate her etc.), when she called back asking me to lunch, stating "words were said' and we should "get over it", I had the same tone. In a therapist's office only until things were worked out. So now she hasn't called me since either.

My dad sort of believes my stories of childhood but plays things both ways as a peacemaker. He is also pressuring me to call these 2 and tell them the news. Frankly, I don't want to. Why the hell should I? However, there is a little part of me that feels like a dysfunctional freak. Like I should be the stronger or bigger person. But its just too tough. I don't even want them near the birth. Thanks for letting me vent.

O/T, kind of...my husband is not a narcissist, but now that it is twins, he is pressuring me to get an abortion (of one, we have no kids). So this is a really stressful time for me. When I was freaking out and sobbing he backed off, but it is starting again. He makes 6 figures, but doesn't want to "give up" his "lifestyle". I keep telling myself God is giving me what I can handle, but damn....Its like you try to skirt issues and they just come back in new outfits! Another bully!

[gardener]

ellen, this is an awful thing for anyone to ask of his wife. Does he think children are like purchases? These babies are part of you. If he succeeded in his demands surely you could lose both babies anyway. I lost one through natural miscarriage and it took me many years even to accept that pain.
Surely you know you have the final word in this.
You must have tried so hard to acheive the pregnancy, be strong,know what you want.

[Anonymous]

Ellen,

Congratulations!  

My opinion: don't tell anyone about your pregnancy unless you want to share it with them. This is private, personal info ONLY for people who have earned the right to be in your confidence. It's common for women not to mention their pregnancy and just let people find out for themselves. My sisters didn't always give me the news. Do I care that they didn't announce it to me? NO. It's not a big secret after a while anyway.

Regarding your husband, this is really bad. I think you and he need to see a marriage counselor *as soon as possible*. Possibly he is mainly scared and regressing to an immature state -- but he is going to *ruin* his marriage by suggesting such hateful things to you. Please get outside help immediately so he can get reality checks from a therapist. Seriously.

bunny

[Anonymous]

Dear Ellen,

My goodness, what an overwhelming time!  Becoming pregnant (and it sounds like you have been trying hard for a while) must be a challenge in and of itself without all the other drama.  Like the others, I agree that this is news to share with those you feel comfortable with.  How far along are you?  I didn't share until I was four months pregnant.  

After reading your post, I am most concerned with your own little household.  Hubby sounds a bit overwhelmed himself.  Even one little baby is going to change his "lifestyle".  What's up with that?  Therapy is a very good idea--certainly a worthwhile solution to try before other drastic suggestions like his own, for crying out loud.  Perhaps there are support groups for new-dads-to-be (and of twins, too) where he can air out his fears among other guys.  New dads are often flipped out (one fainted at a hospital slide show   ), but your H sounds a tad inappropriate.  We can hope he will adjust.  Perhaps he is wondering how he can compete for your attention.  Maybe you can calm him down by reassuring him that you will want to be with him and need his support, so he doesn't feel "left out".  
I hope your pregnancy goes smoothly otherwise.  I'm proud of you!  Your Mama Bear instincts are already kicking in.  Keep it up!  It is such an odd little miracle, pregancy.  To the mother, it is real right NOW, those babies are alive.  To the dad, it's still off in the future, those babies are ideas, not real yet until they come flying out and hit them right smack in the heart.  Accentuate the positive   Take care of yourself physically and do things to make it a happy time for you and your hubby.  Congratulations and hugs to you, Seeker

[Ishana]

Dear Ellen,

I think it's GREAT that you have decided not to accept any more abuse!  I recently ran into that same wall, and even though I sometimes doubt myself too, I am a much happier person overall.  I have the same "mantra", counseling or no contact.  Of course my family has chosen "no contact" but that's now their choice.

Having a baby is a life-altering event and I am sure it is even more so for twins, to some degree.  It is wonderful that this is planned and wanted on your part.  As far as your husband goes, I would encourage you to try to find out what exactly he's worried about...what changes is he anticipating might be difficult?  Lack of sleep?  Lack of time to himself?  Increase in family expenses?  Lack of flexibility in his life?  If you can get him to be specific maybe you can make agreements that will help him feel that HIS needs will be attended to also.  The other thing that has helped my relationship with my husband is encouraging us to make specific requests instead of general complaining.  So, what specifically does he need to feel better about the twins upcoming birth and your life changes?  If he can develop the requests then it is placing the responsibility on him to resolve his problems instead of you taking it on.  

Also, have you noticed any difficulty for your husband adjusting to changes in his life in the past, especially major ones?  Sometimes people just have a hard time with change in general.  This could be one of those times where your marriage bonds you together as you integrate these wonderful little ones into your lives.  

I can't imagine my life without my children.  There have been difficult times, but the rewards so outweigh the negatives.  

I wish you a peaceful and healthy pregnancy and I would send blessings for a birth that is as close to full-term as it can be.  Congratulations, Ellen!  I hope you will keep us posted as your pregnancy progresses.

Ishana

[ellen]

Wow- Thank you everyone. What occured between my first posting and now is that I realized that a pregnancy announcement is something that you do to SHARE JOY, with people you love and who love you back.

When I was feeling pressured to call my mom and sis, this was coming from a place of tribalism and obligation, not wanting to share my heart with them. Now that I see that, I don't feel like a weirdo anymore not telling them. Our tribal system (family) is pretty broken, so for me to do so would be running to feed the narcissists again, telling because thats what you do, and I've done that wayyyy to many times growing up and even in adulthood. Isn't is weird how programming makes us keep running back to the narcissists in our lives, trying to please them over and over? Maybe its just me, but that was the pattern until several years ago. I try not to think about it, but its odd that I don't tell my family but the sushi chef knows.

As for my husband, things keep vaccillating. Two nights ago, he finally put his hand on my belly and talked to them- I was so happy I cried. Now today he is annoyed talking about the subject, but was so lovely to me yesterday when I had severe morning sickness. He massaged me and stroked me etc. without me asking until I fell asleep. He doesn't share feelings until they have passed- a product of his childhood because of his own nutty mom.

I'm hoping that when he goes to an ultrasound it was all seem real to him and he will start to bond with them. Its weird how he is acting because the whole thing was discussed, planned, and paid for. i do know he has a lot of fear and maybe overwhelment. He's eating as if he''s the pregnant one!

What I'm wondering about is if pregnancy brought up issues for anyone about their own mothers (you know, lack of). Its been weird knowing she is alive but not there, and I have moments of grief that I don't have that person who is so excited for me like a normal mother is. How did you guys deal with that? I feel like I'm teaching myself a foreign language (in this case, proper parenting), and that can feel empowering but overwhelming too.

[el123]

ellen, Congratulations on your pregnancy!  

With all three of our babies, my H was busting to tell people right just like your H.  But, ultimately, it's about how you feel.  If it's going to stress you out *in any way* then it's not a good idea.  

About your H pressuring you to abort one of your babies:  Reading this literally almost made me sick for how you must be feeling.  I can tell you from experience that first time dads can act rather irrationally, it's not just the pregnant woman acting 'hormonal'.  My H gained right along with me, was emotional, had back pain, etc. right along with me.  Please trust your own instincts.  You want both babies *for a reason*.  You WILL absolutely be able to handle twins.  Aborting one may well be something that he and you may regret for the rest of your lives.   His "lifestyle" is going to change be it one, two or six kids.  Having twins really isn't much different than one child born.  All of your love goes to the child either way.  Either way you give all that you have.  I have quite a few friends who have twins, even one with triplets and they all say the same thing:  The babies synchronize so that they usually sleep, eat, etc. at the same times.  If your H can handle one child, he can handle two.  I thought that there would be absolutely no way that I could handle a third child when I got pregnant (using birth control).  My second child was still an infant when baby #3 came along.   I cried for like a month straight when I found out that I was pregnant.  I thought that there is absolutely *no way* that I could handle three kids all under the age of five.  I was overwhelmed to begin with.  But now I cannot imagine life without all three of the most precious gems this world has to offer.  Really, they are *all* going to be unbelieveably special to you.  Your H will love them both.  I promise you this, Ellen (my name too!)

What I'm wondering about is if pregnancy brought up issues for anyone about their own mothers

Yes, pregnancy *absolutely, most definately* brings up issues about your own mother.  This I feel secure in stating is a given in pregnancy.  Expect more of the issues to surface.  This is all a part of being pregnant.  

I feel like I'm teaching myself a foreign language (in

this case, proper parentingIt is very hard to deal with

This is exactly what it was like for me as well with a N mom and N mother in law.  I've come to see it as a blessing, though.  It has helped me to forge my own unique path as a mother and not blindly follow in the footsteps of my mother.

Something that has helped me tremendously and I've heard others speak about in this forum is something called The Work by Byron Katie.  It helps you to cope in what appears to be impossible or very trying circumstances.  I've tried it all (therapy, etc.) but this is better.  It really works!
-E