Abuse by omission

[Iphi]

Hey thanks for your nurturing and encouraging words Carolyn and Hops.  I so much root for the thriving and growth of each of you and everyone here.

Carolyn wrote:

That is it, exactly. Because even if N truly did consider the object of your attempts/efforts worthy and desireable, he will not acknowledge that UNLESS the whole thing was his idea... and then, if you do well, he will hate you for surpassing him (unless you somehow allow him to take full credit for your accomplishment).

yes and will hate/envy the child for behaving not like an extension of the N but an independent being.  They will sabotage that success, refuse to acknowledge it, call it selfish, and/or worthless and/or bankrupt for some reason, change the subject to a putative failure - do anything BUT acknowledge, appreciate, recognize.  It may be that the N brags of it to others to collect supply from the others, but you will never hear any nice thing the others said of you, not from the N.  I never have!

[SilverLining]

A few more items from my working list:

-A feeling of security.  The cultivated perception was scarcity and impending disaster, which then was an excuse for not addressing the needs of the children.
-Memory and continuity.  If by chance I got a point across about my "concerns" (my real self?), I could be assured it would be quickly forgotten in favor of more pressing personal problems for them.  It was and is like dealing with perpetual strangers.
-Age/ development appropriate interaction.  As a child, I had to endure monologues about their problems.  But then in my 20's there was a weird reversal and they started "parenting by mail".  I'd get letters in the mail telling me what my problems were and giving unsolicited advice.  Example:  At age 25 I received a letter from my father explaining his religious philosophy, after 25 years of not saying a word.  No invitation to a dialogue, of course (It's easy to be a good parent when you don't have to actually interact).
-Apologies for their mistakes or behavior

Thanks again everybody for the feedback and validation.  I'm glad the idea and list have been useful.  The feedback seems to lead me to more and more connections.  Things that have been grating on me for years finally start making some sense.   


 

[Leah]

Hey thanks for your nurturing and encouraging words Carolyn and Hops.  I so much root for the thriving and growth of each of you and everyone here.

Carolyn wrote:

That is it, exactly. Because even if N truly did consider the object of your attempts/efforts worthy and desireable, he will not acknowledge that UNLESS the whole thing was his idea... and then, if you do well, he will hate you for surpassing him (unless you somehow allow him to take full credit for your accomplishment).

yes and will hate/envy the child for behaving not like an extension of the N but an independent being.  They will sabotage that success, refuse to acknowledge it, call it selfish, and/or worthless and/or bankrupt for some reason, change the subject to a putative failure - do anything BUT acknowledge, appreciate, recognize.  It may be that the N brags of it to others to collect supply from the others, but you will never hear any nice thing the others said of you, not from the N.  I never have!

I so identify, when I excelled and passed my entrance exams; it was all about father, he boasted to everyone as to how he had produced a daughter who had excelled.

But, in the home, things was altogether different, I remained "maude the mule" with no recognition, quite the reverse in fact, and I do now believe so strongly, that Envy was the root, as in my recent envy thread, as he withdrew support, ridiculed me, and did all he could to sabotage.
Did not make any sense, then!

Leah x

[Hopalong]

It was and is like dealing with perpetual strangers.

Well PUT, tjr...

And Leah, envy, ugh. I think that's true.
I heard someone saying that some people fear there's never enough love to go around.

But it's like air.

love
Hops

[Leah]

And Leah, envy, ugh. I think that's true.
I heard someone saying that some people fear there's never enough love to go around.

But it's like air.

Hi Hops,

Envy is an ugly word isn't it.  Truly, not one of my favorites.

Yes, that is how I perceive love, as the air, moving around the world. 

Love is so simple.

Love, Leah

[Gabben]

Just wanted to bump this thread topic up for Violet since this FOO stuff came up in recent discussion on another thread.


((Violet)),

Here is the thread I was talking about except it was not tt who started it was tjr.

Hope this gives some insight.

Gabben

[flowerpower]

Thank you for this post, tjr. Much of this resonates with me. My FOO also had zero positive depth.

I also felt like I was a perpetual stranger growing up in my family. I only got positive attention from my mother if I was in a weak state like showing showing incompetence or unhappiness. That seemed to please her. She was covert about it, but I could always tell she was relaxed and happiest when I was unhappy or struggling. I somehow knew that it was not okay to excel at anything other than getting good grades or to be too happy. I get anxious to this day if I start to feel happy and have difficulty being comfortable enough with feelings of happiness or self confidence to really allow myself to experience those states fully. I am always surprised to get positive feedback from others and yet I get it often from friends and professionally. I just don't ever really believe it.

The thing about grades and college is interesting. My grades were always important because it reflected on her parenting (which was actually nonexisent), but no one spoke to me about college despite the fact that I made the highest SAT score in my class. Classmates started asking me about my plans. I didn't know I was supposed to be planning anything until you had to fill in the SAT forms and list schools you might apply to. My parents never talked to me about college. I lived in a college town so I put down the local state school and ended up applying there late and just started going kind of as an afterthought. It was a weird time.

Thank you for posting this.

[SilverLining]

The thing about grades and college is interesting. My grades were always important because it reflected on her parenting (which was actually nonexisent), but no one spoke to me about college despite the fact that I made the highest SAT score in my class. Classmates started asking me about my plans. I didn't know I was supposed to be planning anything until you had to fill in the SAT forms and list schools you might apply to. My parents never talked to me about college. I lived in a college town so I put down the local state school and ended up applying there late and just started going kind of as an afterthought. It was a weird time.

 

Hi free thinker.  I'm glad you found the thread useful.  Other than superficial details, my pre college experience seems identical to yours.  I had high aptitude and test scores starting in 4th grade.  But neither of my parents ever tied these scores back to any consideration of my future.  The scores were like a "performance" I was putting on for their benefit.  I don't remember any of the typical discussions children in other families seem to have about what they might want to be when they grow up. 

The only discussion of college I recall was a weird speech my father made about college funding being above and beyond his parental duties.  So at the last minute I got into a nearby inexpensive state school.    My life did start improving drastically after I got out of the house and into college.  If only college could have been 10 years I might've more fully recovered from the FOO a lot sooner

I thought at the time I was freely making choices, but now I am getting a better view of how all my choices have been conditioned by the FOO experience. 

[flowerpower]

Hi free thinker.  I'm glad you found the thread useful.  Other than superficial details, my pre college experience seems identical to yours.  I had high aptitude and test scores starting in 4th grade.  But neither of my parents ever tied these scores back to any consideration of my future.  The scores were like a "performance" I was putting on for their benefit.  I don't remember any of the typical discussions children in other families seem to have about what they might want to be when they grow up. 

The only discussion of college I recall was a weird speech my father made about college funding being above and beyond his parental duties.  So at the last minute I got into a nearby inexpensive state school.    My life did start improving drastically after I got out of the house and into college.  If only college could have been 10 years I might've more fully recovered from the FOO a lot sooner

I thought at the time I was freely making choices, but now I am getting a better view of how all my choices have been conditioned by the FOO experience. 

Hi tjr.  I find your comments about thinking you were freely making choices very interesting. I am 41 years old and I am still struggling with FOO conditioning and sorting out all the many ways I have been affected by my upbringing. As far as college goes, I remember having no clue about a major and waiting until the last possible minute to declare one. Then I worked for a year in the first job I could find and went back to graduate school. I still picked a program without a clear feeling that I was making the right choice and again went to the cheap state school to get my master's degree. To this day I am intrigued with other careers and wonder if there is a "right" path out there that I missed because I never had any help sorting through what would really suit me career-wise. I would LOVE the opportunity (need to win that lottery -lol) to be a professional student and just learn all sorts of different things. I loved college life.

[SilverLining]

Hi tjr.  I find your comments about thinking you were freely making choices very interesting. I am 41 years old and I am still struggling with FOO conditioning and sorting out all the many ways I have been affected by my upbringing. As far as college goes, I remember having no clue about a major and waiting until the last possible minute to declare one. Then I worked for a year in the first job I could find and went back to graduate school. I still picked a program without a clear feeling that I was making the right choice and again went to the cheap state school to get my master's degree. To this day I am intrigued with other careers and wonder if there is a "right" path out there that I missed because I never had any help sorting through what would really suit me career-wise. I would LOVE the opportunity (need to win that lottery -lol) to be a professional student and just learn all sorts of different things. I loved college life.

Hi FT. It again looks very similar to my experience.   I've often felt sort of a like a billiard ball that was set in motion by the FOO and then bounced around madly for 25 years.  Undergrad school was great and I was so stunned by getting positive feedback from authority figures it led me to do grad school immediately after, which didn't turn out well.  Eventually I did go back and do a Masters degree.   

I still don't really know what I want to do when I grow up .   I feel like I am going through an adolescent phase I didn't get to experience while doing my parentified role in the FOO. 

I suppose it's all for the best in the end, but I still wonder what life would have been like with more emotionally supportive parents.  I observe other parents with children and am stunned to see them providing positive feedback and encouragement.  This kind of thing started getting me thinking about "omissions" in my early life.