Family cults and one-on-one cults

[flower]

Hi everyone,

Some wonder why we have such problems with denial and breaking away from N's domination and so do I cause I was (still have residual effects) a person with the problem. I am convinced my mom used techniques to gain compliance that are used in cults.

How many of you feel that your Ns had purposeful behavior that is remarkably cultish? Or is this how all of us feel?

I found an article on family cults and one-on-one cults and how compliance is enforced.

I know I have been linking to one site a lot but there is some good stuff there.

This article (actually chapter one excerpts of the following book) is:

Captive Hearts, Captive Minds
Freedom and Recovery from Cults and Abusive Relationships

By Madeleine L. Tobias and Janja Lalich

http://www.rickross.com/reference/brainwashing/brainwashing18.html

[Dawning]

flower, thanks for posting that link.  I've never thought about my upbringing as being *cultish* but after reading this information,  I can see the exploitative dynamics certainly were in my family and in some of the people I have erroneously assumed were my *friends* over the years.

Regarding this:

When psychological coercion and manipulative exploitation have been used in a one-on-one cultic relationship, the person leaving such a relationship faces issues similar to those encountered by someone leaving a cultic group.

I'm very interested in knowing what those issues are that are faced by someone leaving a cultic group.  I looked for it at this site but now I'm on the links in the page on brainwashing.

[Anonymous]

Hi Dawning,

Thanks for posting the link, I look forward to reading it.  Just wanted to reply that yes! the cult analogy popped into my head when thinking about my brother's situation with his psycho wife.  One has to be fully dedicated to her and her reality in order to not incur her wrath.  Another T had independently instructed my dad to think of my brother as having joined a cult, too!  

Interestingly enough, a relative of mine also joined a cult.  Her brother and sisters have all suffered a lot of emotional abuse in their family...I think her attitude was "just take care of me".  It is sad.  Her sister became a psychologist.

Hugs, Seeker

[Anonymous]

Whoops,  

Sorry Flower, I credited Dawning with starting this post.  (Hi Dawning!   )

I need to pay better attention!  Thank you, Flower.    Sorry about that!

Peace, Seeker seeking to pay better attention...

[Seeker as guest]

Hi Dawning and Flower,

I found another article at this site that was very helpful to me:

Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People
http://www.rickross.com/reference/brainwashing/brainwashing11.html

The parts on shaming and guilt fit my dad to a tee.  Other tactics are used by my Stealth N brother, such as playing the victim, changing the subject, and selective attention.  A slippery jerk.

xo, Seeker

[Jenocidal]

As I've mentioned here before - my mother raised us kids under the constant threat of a "satanic cult" stalking us.  She had us all convinced that we were bound together against this "group" of people (whom didn't exist).  I wasn't allowed to socialialize as a teen, after school - my mother would want me home right away so the cult wouldn't get me.  I feel that it was a control tactic in most cases.  They were "out to kill" us.  And we needed stick together. How crazy is that?!

[nassim]

Darn Flower,

That was a good read. Good stuff. There are sometimes bits and gems of info on this board that make me remember why I come here even when things gets a bit dicey occasionally (ya know with trolls and such).

Something that seems to be a running theme here is a N parent being the conduit for all information regarding the family (siblings, especially). That seems a bit cultish to me. My mom doesn't seem to like it when we siblings talk to each other instead of through her. I just started in the last year or so talking with my siblings via email, letter and phone on a direct basis and it has been rewarding. Before, everything was filtered through my mom. Too bad, so sad for her though. I really like getting information first hand and it's not filtered through the gauze of a sick head case.

Thanks again, Flower.

N

[Anonymous]

Hello Flower and all,

Sibling communication, probably a good topic for a thread.  My mother was not comfortable knowing when we kids would be talking about our parents as the topic, but I guess that's natural.  She wasn't the Alpha N but she had a "mole" in the Kid Zone in that my brother would report to her anything I said that was damaging to me.  Never mind the fact that he was an equal participant in the conversation...as I posted on another thread, I learned to keep my cards close to my vest.  

Once in a while I let my guard down, and whap!, I learn and remember why I need to keep my guard up.  In addition, I was not allowed to tattle on him at any time.  He was like a informer in a concentration camp, sucking up to the guards.  As a result, I do not confide in friends as much as close friends do and that has kept distance in my friendships.  It bothers me, but that's the way I'm built.  

Just recently I was sharing with a sib about the Alpha N, actually the other way around.  As I was listening, I heard a story about growing up that I had blocked out but remembered as I heard it.  My leg started shaking uncontrollably, not just a jitter, but full on spastic movements, like I was in shock maybe?  It was about how angry my father was that we "ate so much" and we weren't allowed to do that.  I think I shook because it was scary to consciously realize that one of my parents didn't want to feed me.  That we were competing for food, not sharing.  

Ick, Seeker

[Discounted Girl]

Thanks Flower and to all of you who posted -- this is a really good topic. I have often thought about N's being "brain-washers" of small children and those of an innocent, naive-type personality. It is more than a little embarrassing to admit to being brain-washed by someone so obviously lacking in charm, but it happened. I guess, bottom line, they are masters of deceit -- it's all about non-truths and manipulations of truths, creating guilt and smashing dreams -- all built on deception. Ugh ,,,,

Seeker -- I especially like your  reference to your brother as a "Stealth N" and I know exactly what you mean by "playing the victim, changing the subject, and selective attention." A slippery jerk, and a Teflon N -- ohhhhhhhh ......  

[switzerland]

"It was about how angry my father was that we "ate so much" and we weren't allowed to do that.  I think I shook because it was scary to consciously realize that one of my parents didn't want to feed me.  That we were competing for food, not sharing.  
Ick, Seeker"

(sorry, couldn't get the quote thingy to work)
WOW. Yes!!  that rings a bell with me.  It took me a long time to piece it all together.  I have noticed all my life that  N-men are chauvinistic and always took noticed and exaggerated the amount of my food intake.  This started with my dad as a small child, then later with almost all of my boyfriends. YIKES!!  Granted, i have always been a slim gal and it was never about the food.  In recent years, i read up on feminists books and found it a reoccuring theme with men trying to control women with food intake.  It's a good clue to keep away from N-people who are competing with you for food and everything else.

Switzerland

[Anonymous]

Lucky me that my brother and I both resent Nmom.  Only thing is he is starting to be like her to his kids and his wife.  Never happy, always complaining, holds grudges.  He and I are pretty good together.  He has said things like, "Our mom completely ruined her (me....)"  That's a little hard to take that your brother thinks your are ruined!!

Then he said something like, "She and I had to put up with so much of our mother's s**t that she owes us!!!"