I can't stop...need significant help

[bearwithme]

Heartofpil said this:

I think practicing the Medium Chill with this person (we've talked about it a lot on the forum) would be your best bet for minimizing hurt. And it sounds like your husband understands how she has hurt you, so ask him if he can try to minimize the times when you are expected to do "couple" things with his brother and wife. Instead, encourage him to go do "guy" things alone with his brother since they are close.


Can you tell me more about the "Medium Chill" philosophy?  I think I get it but would like examples if you or anyone has them. 

Heart, my energy has been zapped by this fascination thing.  Such good information from you!  The more I'm fascinated, the more I'm exhausted by it....I need to turn this corner so bad in my life and I feel that I have learned a ton here.

But don't let that stop you from sharing with me your knowledge and experience.  This is my therapy and I appreciate every word.

You are all great!

Bear

[seasons]

Hi ((Bear)),

I felt such a connection and them I  just read your reply to my thread and said wow i feel the same way.
I couldn't respond because I felt frozen,  I could feel how betrayed you were. My heart is still pounding for what she did to your brand new family.

You have received wonderful advice and support and I ditto everything above.

N was my maid of honor. Nightmare from the moment I asked her. (Back then we were together all the time, even though I new something wasn't right, I still did what I thought was appropriate.)

I had two miscarriages. My sister said, "I"M sorry."  I said like an idiot, hated myself, didn't deserve to share my pain and loss ...I said, "It's O.K." Because I knew, felt in my gut their was no time for me. I was good, now we can TALK ABOUT HER. I was programed.

When I was pregnant again, and petrified of losing another baby.

 Sister N said Not to buy anthing for the baby until she is born because it will bring me bad luck. When her daughter, who is 6 years younger than me got pregnant she wallpapered her grandbabies room before she had the baby. Crib, and Minnie and all! I was furious.

She new I was going to breastfeed. I was the first one in my family to do so. I was about 6 months pregnant and we worked together (another nightmare) she came over and told me, like she was doing me a favor that
MOTHERS WHO BREASTFEED SHE FOUND OUT KILL THEIR BABIES. She said, "I have to tell you just encase you haven't heard."

Till this day I want to ring her neck for saying such an evil thing to me. Trying to take away something special and beautiful and shame me for my decision.

I breastfed three beautiful babies. She had me so stripped down to nothing I have no idea how I had the strength not to cave into her sickness.

When I went over her house for coffee for the first time after having my baby. She sat at her kitchen table looking at me with disgust.

Finally she says, in an ugly selfish bit** voice. Baby doesn't want to look at your chest all day, she wants to look at the world."
I wanted to cry she was weeks old. She made me feel sick.

Then she said, "We can have coffee put her down on my bed." It was right off the kitchen. I did what she said and she put pillows around her and my know it all sister gave her a Riddal and wrapped her week old fingers around it. My little girl didn't let it go, she wasn't opening her hand it was still in a tight fist position.
Well at just weeks old, my daughter hit her head with it because she was tooooooo young to shake or let go of  it herself. Idiot sister and idiot mom, thats me!
I stood in the doorway and watched my baby, as she drank her coffee and went on and on and on all about herself.
Her kids were all grown up and was acting like my mother who knew everything and had had nothing in common with me. She had her special time and wasn't going to give me mine.

Till this day, deep inside I knew it didn't feel right. I still feel the guilt till this day I didn't have the b*lls to say NO. She is staying with ME!
Thank goodness we went NC for 10  years after my daughter turned 8 months old.

I got triggered. I so understand how you feel. How it eats away at you.....your heart.........your moment........they take your life.

I can't even say what she deserves. Hold your dear baby close, never let her steal a second of your mommy time, family time ever again.

Sorry I went off...yikes..the memories.

 I hope you can find peace soon.           she doesn't deserve to be thought of, ...... or rent anymore space in your brain!!!

With empathy, seasons

[bearwithme]

"MOTHER'S WHO BREASTFEED KILL THEIR BABIES."  wtf?  [sorry]  Your N sister sounds like my N aunt.  She says weird things like that and has always been an N to the millionth degree.  Her daughter (my cousin) and her have not spoken or seen eachother for nearly 8 years.  My cousin had to go NC once and for all.

I think your N sis was jealous over the whole breastfeeding thing. It's obvious. I sent you a PM regarding your experience with the whole "why didn't I just do..." and "why didn't I just say...."

(((seasons))) sorry you have such an ugle N in your life.  They are all ugly, aren't they? 

[Sealynx]

Bear,
I find that most peoples perception is very selective. We have been trained to monitor the environment for threats. Most people monitor the environment for fun and just walk away from anything that is a "downer". Unless they were directly affected by what went on, they won't even remember her slights to others. They will remember the nice talk with her husband or that they enjoyed another attendee.

I would try to do the same thing next time you are forced together. You can't change this woman, just find the fun spot at the next gathering and follow it around. Sooner or later she should get tired of trailing you. I know it isn't the knock out punch you'd like to give her about now, but people like her usually don't change. They have no motivation to do so.
S

[HeartofPilgrimage]

Lollie was the first one I heard call it The Medium Chill. It's when you don't give the person any personal information, you don't react either positively or negatively to what they say, you basically BORE them so that they move on. Just do the smile and nod thing and stay emotionally detached. Don't do anything they can pinpoint as rude, but don't do anything that is warm either. Of course, the medium chill doesn't work when they physically attack you.

[bearwithme]

I really hit the jackpot here for the best feedback ever   thank you Heart for telling me about the Medium Chill. And Sealynx, I think my SIL will indeed get tired of following me around the next gathering especially if I get to do the Medium Chill. 

You are all so great with your insight and experience.  I'm working on everything as we speak but am taking it slow.  I need some time to think about what is really going on as you all stated that my SIL is an N and that's that!  I can't go and try to "be" her friend eventhough our husbands are great together and are great friends/brothers.  I've learned that I have a lot of anger towards her because I'm hurt and I've spend so much time on the "why didn't I just say this or do that."  I don't like who I have become with this.

I have some other things to say here but I have to go.  My 2 year old is pulling my hands away as I type....

Bear

[Izzy_*now*]

Hi bear

I don't like who I have become with this.

I'll bet that most all of us have felt this way. Because we had been unaware of this insidious disorder, and I expect the most of us were ones with few, if any, boundaries, and absolutely no way to assert ourselves, because consiously or unconsiously we didn't like ourselves, we never challenged another's abusive ways.

Once enlightened about those who want/need control over us, we can see that they are really 'little nothings" asserting themselves, are filled with jealousy, of hate, and ...now think about it... are really afraid of the quote 'normal' unquote person.

Sadly, these people have a driving need to bring us down to their level, if not lower!

izzy

[Hopalong]

Listen to your two year old and you will be happy...

xo
Hops

[Sealynx]

I think one of the reasons they can make us feel so bad about ourselves comes from two traits I've noticed in my N's:

1. Superficial emotions that pass quickly and may be more related to habitual behavior than what we would call feeling. Normal people may take hours, days or months to recover from an ugly interaction with someone. N's can go from rage to picking up the phone and being sweet as pie to the caller. Since they don't appear to experience any "after effects" from their behavior, the can't learn from them, nor do they build up any fear of these hostile interactions.

2. This lack of concern with how the expression of a feeling will affect them "long term" leads to their having no personal need to restrict the levels of hostility expressed in an argument.

What this does is leave the normal person with the responsibility of deciding when to end the escalation in an encounter. It is always, "how far will you go?" and not, "When will this produce a positive outcome?"  People normally stop hostilities when they have exceeded their comfort zone. My N's have an infinite tolerance for argument. Until you can accept that they will never back down, they will always push you just beyond your "rules for angry behavior" leaving you feeling guilty and inappropriate.

[Izzy_*now*]

WOW seaLy

This was almost amusing! because I saw it all the Time.

N's can go from rage to picking up the phone and being sweet as pie to the caller.

...so many times that it even provoked jealousy in me, because he was never that sweet to me. and I was even through with him at the time (Freudian?) AND one time he was as drunk as a skunk. He picked up the phone and called the police (about our renters of the downstairs.) and sobered right out of slurring to make total sense!

Ns never cease to amaze me...... if I choose to look back!

Izzy

[bearwithme]

I think one of the reasons they can make us feel so bad about ourselves comes from two traits I've noticed in my N's:

1. Superficial emotions that pass quickly and may be more related to habitual behavior than what we would call feeling. Normal people may take hours, days or months to recover from an ugly interaction with someone. N's can go from rage to picking up the phone and being sweet as pie to the caller. Since they don't appear to experience any "after effects" from their behavior, the can't learn from them, nor do they build up any fear of these hostile interactions.

2. This lack of concern with how the expression of a feeling will affect them "long term" leads to their having no personal need to restrict the levels of hostility expressed in an argument.

What this does is leave the normal person with the responsibility of deciding when to end the escalation in an encounter. It is always, "how far will you go?" and not, "When will this produce a positive outcome?"  People normally stop hostilities when they have exceeded their comfort zone. My N's have an infinite tolerance for argument. Until you can accept that they will never back down, they will always push you just beyond your "rules for angry behavior" leaving you feeling guilty and inappropriate.

Yes, yes, I agree.  My Nmother could rage and rage until everyone fell apart around her then the next minute she would be laughing and carrying on about this or that.  But if I said something out of line she would take months and months to get over it and bring it up as if I stabbed her in the heart...she would get overly upset.  Very confusing and manipulative behavior!  This left so much confusion for me I had no idea if she was comin' or goin'

[Sealynx]

Hi Bear,
I find it helps to separate their ability to hang on to a negative situation from the kind of feelings that we feel. My N's will use "whatever works" including references to a previous negative encounter when they want to manipulate. However, it has been my experience that they don't stay mad like we would in terms of mulling the situation over and over. They use it as opposed to suffering from it. So if your mother wants to manipulate you every time she sees you, she can act angry about what you did last week, month or year, but it has been my experience that they were not "feeling" angry before you walked in the door or answered the phone.

[bearwithme]

Hi Bear,
I find it helps to separate their ability to hang on to a negative situation from the kind of feelings that we feel. My N's will use "whatever works" including references to a previous negative encounter when they want to manipulate. However, it has been my experience that they don't stay mad like we would in terms of mulling the situation over and over. They use it as opposed to suffering from it. So if your mother wants to manipulate you every time she sees you, she can act angry about what you did last week, month or year, but it has been my experience that they were not "feeling" angry before you walked in the door or answered the phone.

Ah-ha!  You're so right!  N's are so sick that way.  Must be nice to just flip out whenever you want and not pay the consequences.  Me, I could NEVER get away with that behavior, nooooo waaayyyy!

Bear

[teartracks]

Hi bear,

I read your opening post shortly after you put it up.   I got a lump in my throat at how bad your SIL's  thoughtlessness made you feel.   

I've been reading along and am amazed at the wisdom others have brought to 'bear' (pun intended)!   I especially like Sealynx's idea for having her trail you.  And I love Hops template for a follow-up letter.  All put together, wonderful advice from each one. 

My best to you and your sweet family.

tt