Ns and Money

[bearwithme]

Also, what do you think she will be getting if you take her up on her offer?  Her own way?  Or a way of making you let her see her granddaughter?  Is it control that she's after, do you think?

CB:  NM may very well be seeking control with her offer as she often does with money.  But I do know that she is desperate to see her granddaughter and wants to babysit her as me and husband go see friends, etc.  We have done that before (without her money) and survived, albeit, she is an N so her Nism leaks out regardless of money or no money involved.

You know what you are getting into if you take the money.  Neither decision will be the end of the world, but you may be giving up a lot of peace if you take it.  How does your husband feel about the offer?  Are you getting any pressure either way from him?

CB: you made me think here.  My husband does not like the idea of taking her money because he says that she needs it for her retirement, etc. I just tell him that it does not interest me whatsoever if she has retirement money or not, that is not our job to worry about that for her and if she wants to give us a gift, then maybe we should consider it.  He does remain somewhat open minded about it though.  Thank you CB for giving me something to think about.

You also said:

I feel that I deserve that she give this to us and I don't care what she thinks in the aftermath.  I want her to give us her money for what she's done to me.

Bear,

I have heard this said on the board many times by many different posters--and I wonder if, as people are giving their input to you, if they can also share why they feel this way

Can any of you on this board share with me why you feel as I do about this?  And how it plays out in situations like this one??

Thanks,

Bear

[bearwithme]

Ami: If you're around the board today, I think it was you and a few others who stated this (if I'm not mistaken).  I'd like your input anyways. 

Part of me feels like I'd be using her for the money and part of my feels justified and eager to do it for friends and family.  The "using" part may be my whole paranoid reaction to things, like if I indulge, then I'll get punished!!

*sigh**

Just more thinking..

Bear

[HeartofPilgrimage]

bear,

It is so hard for me to say what I would think or feel, because even if we all have relationships with N mothers, yours is unique. I am tempted to say, "Take the beach house and when she tries to hold it over your head, remind her how much she begged you to take it and how it was a GIFT!" But honestly, I don't know how well you can avoid feeling guilty (which would be getting sucked back into an unhealthy interaction with her) when (not IF) she holds this gift over your head.

My husband is a healthy person but honestly he will tell you that he has a bit of N himself. (Just the fact that he has always recognized this in himself and consciously works on it tells me that he is not a real N). Anyway, he has the ability to let his N mother's comments (designed to make him feel guilty) roll off of him like water off a duck's back. While I will get mad at my Nmil's antics, he just says, "Oh, that's just mother" and honestly ignores her! So I can see how for SOME people, they could take the gift your mom is offering and totally repel her efforts to suck you back into her N world. If you can do that, I say take the darned beach house. if you can't ... NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING is worth your peace and stability.

[HeartofPilgrimage]

rereading my last post, what I meant is although we all have relationships with N mothers, EACH ONE OF OUR RELATIONSHIPS IS UNIQUE. I didn't state it very well the first time.

[bearwithme]

Heart:
You said it perfectly.  I am aware of all of it and needed to put those thoughts into the right place for this issue.  Your husband is a lot like mine. He has the ultimate N brother and can let it all roll off his back, they even have a great relationship because my husband has the ability to make fun of his N brother to his face and they both laugh hysterically.

the gift your mom is offering and totally repel her efforts to suck you back into her N world. If you can do that, I say take the darned beach house. if you can't ... NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING is worth your peace and stability.

I realize now why I'm in this position with my NM.  It's because I'm LC and not ready for NC just yet.  Things are really complicated family wise and LC feels right for me at this time.  But how this LC prompts issues such as this is just predictable to say the least.  I know that if I take the beach house, she will want some control and if I don't she will use my refusal not to give me anything or help us money wise because I "rejected" her gift, etc. 

Thank you for your words of wisdom HofP.  You are helping me and I appreciate that!!

Bear

[HeartofPilgrimage]

 

[Butterfly]

I think Heart's advice is reasonable.  Can you take the money without giving her control?  Or will she, instead of giving you the cash, try to make the beach house arrangements for you?  Uggh.  That would be bad. 

When faced with an offer of cash, I took it and ran with it.  I did not feel guilty nor have I spoken to her since.  Feels good!  Oh, yeah.

[Baddaughter]

It sounds like she gave it a whole bunch of prior thought and is really insistent on it -- you'll have to go to find out what the kicker is,but I bet there is one.  How do you pack for an ambush?   

[bearwithme]

It sounds like she gave it a whole bunch of prior thought and is really insistent on it -- you'll have to go to find out what the kicker is,but I bet there is one.  How do you pack for an ambush?   

Oh! LOL!!!   Yep.  This is what is true!  Can't pack the appropriate arsenal for this one!! Maybe just a lot of alcohol and pills!!

[HeartofPilgrimage]

I was thinking a lot of really high-grade chocolate. 

[Ales2]

Hi Phoenix:

 

I was was emotionally abandoned by my mom... and the only way she knew how to communicate "caring" to me - was through things; OBJECTS. To this day, objects - material things - represent emotions for her.

This is very true but for my Mom, but a little different for me. My grandmother was a widow w/ 5 kids at age 41 and had lost the family home in a bomb/fire three years earlier when the British bombed my Mothers German countryside town.  Later in my Mom's 20s, I think she was/felt abandoned because my Granma was not able to help her with an education. She came to the US, cried every nite about not having an education.  My NM eventually married and had kids. She never did get her education but married a man with one (that was the 60s) and they were big on education. So, my NM feels she did the right thing by pushing/paying for our education. Now, the problem is that since she was abandoned by her Mother financially and hated her for it (NM wont admit these feelings, but I can tell by her response to certain questions how she feels) I think she vowed to herself to help her kids whenever possible, but she does it by giving and demeaning at the same time.   What shes done and the way shes done it was to rectify her own childhood issues rather than treat me and my brother capable individuals.  Its really cruel.

((((Phoenix))))  sounds like you're on top of it...but I know it hurts nonetheless.

All the best to you, Alesia

[Ales2]

Hi Bear - How about this - if NC means No Contact, why not define LC as Limits Conditions rather than limited contact?  I'm torn on whether to accept the beach house, but what I can propose is that if you decide to take the beach house, why not put a few limits and conditions on it? Explain to your NM that you'd like to accept the gift, but want to establish some guidelines. If the guidelines bother her then she is trying to lure you and control you and you can avoid the trap up front. 

Just my two cents.  Holler at me if you think I am missing something!

All the best to you, Alesia

[bearwithme]

Ales: thank you!  I actually thought of doing that.  Since she's opened the discussion about it, I can be my strong self and tell her that there are conditions, i.e., I want everyone to visit us, even my dad and his wife and if she doesn't like it then it's out.  However, since I'm going back to therapy on Thursday, I'm going to talk to my therapist about the issue.

Thank you for helping me.

Bear.

[Ales2]

Bear - how did it go w/ the beach house? Did your T have other advice? Anything you can/care to share?  Hope all is well with you! Best, Alesia

[swimmer]

Yes Bear, I hope all is well here.  I'm here to listen if you post on this.