Does breaking away ever get easier?

[tayana]

I'm trying to break away from my Nmom and live life on my own terms, and I do very well for a while, but then I fall back into the same old dance of trying to please her and win her approval.  It's like I take one step forward and a half dozen back, only to start over again.  It frustrates me.

I've been forced to live with my Nmom since I graduated from college.  First because I was pregnant and needed help getting back on my feet when my boyfriend left me (I believe he was also an N).  And after I got my act together again, my mom ruined my credit so that I couldn't move away.  I've finally gotten the credit mess under a bit of control, and I'm ready to move out and away from her.  But everytime I try to break away, she steps in and just destroys my psyche so that I believe I can.

I have some wonderfully supportive friends who live in other states, and I'd love to just take my son and run away.  The only problem, as I discovered when I tried living on my own the last time, is that my Nmom refuses to let go.  She's determined that I should be her emotional dumping ground, and that I should worship her for all the wonderous things she's done for me.  I can't reason with her at all, and if I move out of state, she'll just start stalking me once again.

So, I was just wondering if getting away ever gets easier.  Sorry, I ended up venting a bit.

[Tinkergirl]

hi tayana,

don't apologize for venting...that is one of the ways in which it will become easier for you to break away.  you sound like a very strong and intelligent person who has had too much trust and compassion for a woman who continues to abuse you in many ways.

i'm sure it is not easy to live alone with a child, but i have to point out that when you say "i try to break away...she steps in"..."i can't move away...she'll just start stalking me again"...you are allowing her all the power in this struggle.  i know it is scary and unnerving to truly break free of her, but for your health and your son i hope you can find the strength to take the active role in defining how YOU want or don't want her to participate in your life.  if you continue to allow her to bully you into a relationship via guilt and fear, you and your son will suffer tremendously.  

i'm not trying to be harsh, just my opinion after allowing my N mother to bully me for over 20 years (i'm 31 now) and i thought it would be too harsh, too difficult...etc.  but i realized i was sabotoging every relationship (including the ones with my children) by allowing her behavior to have such influence on my life.  i've cut her out and have never been healthier and calmer in all my life.  bizzarely enough, you come to depend/thrive on the drama but once you realize how enjoyable life can be without it, you will not regret your decision...ever.

my advice is to make a plan, your ideal and realistic plan for a healthy and happy life with your son, and get those supportive friends to help you achieve your goal.  your mother is not interested in your well being or your child's, only her own.  the sooner you take care of yourself and your son the sooner you will be on your way to a healthy, happy future.  take care.

[tayana]

i'm not trying to be harsh, just my opinion after allowing my N mother to bully me for over 20 years (i'm 31 now) and i thought it would be too harsh, too difficult...etc.  but i realized i was sabotoging every relationship (including the ones with my children) by allowing her behavior to have such influence on my life.  i've cut her out and have never been healthier and calmer in all my life.  bizzarely enough, you come to depend/thrive on the drama but once you realize how enjoyable life can be without it, you will not regret your decision...ever.

my advice is to make a plan, your ideal and realistic plan for a healthy and happy life with your son, and get those supportive friends to help you achieve your goal.  your mother is not interested in your well being or your child's, only her own.  the sooner you take care of yourself and your son the sooner you will be on your way to a healthy, happy future.  take care.

You aren't being harsh.  I assure you, I'm much more harsh on myself.  And the criticism and abuse my mom has heaped on me is nothing compared to what I put on myself.  I have let my mom ruin relationships for me.  And the one between my son isn't allowed to develop because she refused to let me be his mother, and she takes offense when I try to be.  We have totally different parenting styles, and I watch my child struggle with who to listen to.  I have stood up to my mom before when she's treated my son poorly, and she responds by withholding her love or else making me feel like an utter idiot.  She claims I live in a fantasy world and I've let my son build a fantasy for himself because I encourage his pretend play.  She claims that there is something mentally wrong with him because he likes to play pretend and act out characters and scenes from books and movies.  She reads about some illness or psychosis in a magazine or hears about it on Dr. Phil and then proceeds to diagnose me and my son.  She once told me that my son's behavior is because I didn't love him enough when he was in the womb, and he picked up on that and now feels I don't love him.  She blames everything on me, even if I had no control over the situation.

I have planned to move out of state, and I'm currently looking for a new job close to where my friends are.  I can't handle being around my parents or siblings unless I have some distance.  I want a chance to be happy with my life, instead of trying to build some sort of happiness from what I've got now.  My mother has always claimed she just wants me to be happy, and yet, she does everything she can to keep me from that.  She devalues my talents, my interests, even my fears in favor of her own, and I'm tired of that.  So, I've made the decision to put several states between us, take comfort in my friends' support, and start a new life.  I really don't know if I want to have any contact with them after I leave or not, and I don't know how such a move would affect my son after living with them for six years.

[Alan]

T:

I'm not sure where you are in your process, how much reading you have done.  I was going to use some of your quotes but I don't know how to do it.

But from what I see your mother is "projectiong" her issues onto you, controlling you.  These are typical responses from Ns.  Please read the following article.  It is the whole ball of wax:

http://www.angriesout.com/grown17.htm

[tayana]

Thank you for the article link.  I haven't done a lot of reading about narcissism.  I actually discovered the disorder while researching something else, and I'd read the definition just out of curiosity.  As I read, I thought, this is my mom.  So after that, I've started doing some more reading and I've started to recognize my own defensive traits.  I've been trying to correct them, and I have been able to stand up to my mother.  But sometimes, usually whenever an issue involves something I want to do or something that's very important to me, I just seem to turn into a frightened little 10 year old.  For example, I have a trip planned for next weekend, but I can't seem to muster the courage to tell her that I'm going on the trip whether she likes it or not.  

I am a writer, and I recently sold my first novel.  I have told either of my parents because they will just devalue the accomplishment.  My mother will say I should have gotten more money.  My father won't like the content of the book.  And so I celebrated with friends.  This morning my mother was far more concerned that my son knew all of his spelling words than she was with how I might be feeling, or what I had planned for the weekend.  Reading about N has made me see her very differently, and I feel like I've just had to stop and take a deep breath so I can process my newfound knowledge.  Then I can start the race again.

[CC]

Welcome, Tayana.   It sounds like you are well on your way to recovery but you feel like you need some reassurance for the most difficult steps: the initial breaking away.

Please visit the "Books that have helped you understand" thread below.. last post was on Sept. 24th.

I highly recommend that you do some reading (whatever book you feel would help you most from the descriptions we have given)  this will give you the validation and encouragement that you will probably need.  They will probably also prepare you better for the reprocussions you can expect after you do move.

Remember, knowledge is power.  The more you know about exactly what you are dealing with.. the stronger you will be to handle it.
Best of Luck to you.

[tayana]

Thanks CC,

I think I just needed someone to tell me that it's not my fault or problem.  Or else I just needed a kick in the pants to get me started.

I'm working on the reading list.  I have a couple of books from the library now.