Hypnosis and the 20%

[Ales2]

I went to a consultation with a hypnotherapist yesterday. Very nice guy, but not the right fit. 

I picked him based on his blogs and his POV on achievement and moving on in life.  Problem for me was that he wanted to get too much into "core issues" which while maybe a therapeutically correct direction, I was hoping for a more superficial approach. Sounds odd to want the superficial approach, but I did not want to re-open old wounds, felt I'd done enough of that.  I had hoped he could focus more on the 20% obstacles I deal with that have consistently derailed me from achieving the 110% life I want. I was hoping for help with productivity (he specializes in overcoming procrastination), completions and breakthroughs (from renting to owning, from single to married, from writer to author, debt to investing, anxiety to peace etc) .

The 20% are my own shortcomings, of my own doing and some are my responsive wounds from an invalidating, NMother, which is assertiveness, staying small to be accepted in her skewed world,  people pleasing - sometimes that works, sometime a trap that causes other problems) relationship avoidance when dealing with certain kinds of people etc.  Attracting bosses who marginalize, belittle and deprive me of opportunities like NMother did.   

I had no expectation of him understanding the NMother dynamic, just the obvious issues or symptoms like people pleasing and assertiveness and subconscious reactions to toxic or belittling people.  I didn't think hypnosis would change some of these core issues, just maybe alleviate anxiety with things like being more assertive or staying small, so I could move on.

I hope that makes sense.

[Hopalong]

Ales,
If you read this book you can do it yourself. At no cost.

The key is Chapter 9, "Autosuggestion." For the first time, I understood why hypnosis works.

https://www.amazon.com/Wisdom-Your-Subconscious-Mind/dp/0139614826/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1467306870&sr=8-1&keywords=the+wisdom+of+your+subconscious+mind

I found it absolutely amazing. It's now 40 years old, but I believe not dated...

love,
Hops

[Ales2]

Thanks Hops for this suggestion.

My guess is that for me, part of success in a therapeutic process comes from validation from another human being, someone I trust and respect that wants to see me do well.  Thus, do-it-yourself self improvement doesn't have the same effect.  I can believe in myself to about 80% but when constantly barraged with the remaining 20% of negativity I crumble.

[Hopalong]

I understand, Ales. You deserve validation and support.

I was hoping a DIY approach might help...but maybe this therapist is the one! And hypnotheraphy was a lifesaver for me (with a psychologist who specialized). Good luck.

hugs
Hops

[Ales2]

Hi Hops- You might have misunderstood my post - I appreciate your book and suggestions, was just stating the reason why I think I have bad therapy experiences in the past.

[Hopalong]

Not to worry, Ales--I did feel appreciated!

I understand how frustrating it's been to not click with the right therapist, and at the same time, how much that validation and support matters.

Really hope this new approach will work for you.
I think hypnosis is miraculous.

Hoping for you,
Hops

[Ales2]

Today was hellish.

I woke up this morning after having a nightmare where a previous boss hired another co-worker (from an entirely different different job) and lavished all sorts of promotions and praise on her while literally shoving me out of the way and interrupting and ignoring everything I said. Then somehow, we are all three in a car together and I am in the backseat. The other co-worker (who was mean, rude, selfish, dismissive and belittling in teh previous job) is in the passenger seat. Somehow, I manage to undo her seatbelt and shove her out of the moving vehicle. She gets hurt, but survives, kind of like working with this boss, everybody gets hurt, but survives.   

What kind of weird, subconscious meaning is behind this nightmare?  I was shaken all day by it. It tells me these people hurt me enough for me to want to hurt them back. Ouch. That is not my nature at all. My m.o. is more the resentful diplomat type. 

[Hopalong]

Those are really hard feelings...resentment is vicious. I felt it so much toward Nboss during my job that it was poisoning me.

Envy is another (the undeserving coworker being rewarded).

Powerful dream, Ales. And respect to you for paying attention to it.

Please don't be spooked by my mentioning this...because I have spotted these things in myself from time to time. But envy can be associated with narcissistic stuff. Feeling intense envy, coupled with rage (which your dream-self was grappling with)...might be a signal of N traits to reckon with.

I've written here before about how I've found in myself at times, particularly during periods of great stress, what I call "Nspots." Types of thinking or reactions that if I looked closely enough to name them, I'd call narcissistic traits. They were modeled for me powerfully and they're in there. I think we all have the capacity for these to various degrees, and children of narcissists can be especially alarmed by any evidence of them.

One is resentment (cousin of envy). Another is entitlement (not frequent any more but I'd catch a train of thought on a parallel track to the resentment that fit the term). I found a trick that works really well to shut it down. Has been a good while since I've had that kind of thought...but here's the tip.

If a description of any of your trains of thought or feelings about another person could be started off with the phrase "How dare he..." or "How dare she..." -- that's a strong clue to entitlement, imo. (I made this up, but it feels true to me.)

When I was struggling with intense resentment (my Nmother, then Nboss)...that stuff was swirling. I was so horrified by it years back that I asked my therapist over and over, am I a narcissist? Mercifully, I finally believed him. I'm not. (He said, the pure agony you feel at even the prospect of occasional N-ish thoughts? It's the opposite.)

But I WAS raised by one. And he said it's not uncommon to internalize some of the damage by now and then manifesting some of the traits.

It can give you chills to "Nspot." I told my T I was playing whack-a-mole with anything in myself that reminded me of narcissism. He said, and that's it. The difference is that when you experience moments of that toxicity in yourself, you WHACK it. You name it, own it, and wrestle with it until you find your way to a healthier way of feeling.

Otherwise, I think something like Buddhism, or anything that emphasizes compassion, is the kind of practice that heals that stuff. I even managed compassion for Nboss and Nbrother at times. By the end of Nmom's life, I was all the way there for her.

Lastly, with powerful or disturbing dreams I always remember what a professor said once--"There is no such thing as a nightmare. All dreams are your subconscious processing hopes or fears, and trying to signal you to take care of your inner life."

Your dream showed you envy and rage and entitlement, and where they can go (inside, not that you'd act them out) if they remain unhealed.

Good for you for noticing. Good for you for naming. Good for you for how disturbed you felt by it. (I don't know but I wonder whether severe narcissists would even have such a dream or much less, be so perturbed by it....)

Hops

[Ales2]

Thanks Hops for your very interesting thoughts and analysis of my nightmare. I do think there are some N traits in there and when I recognize them it concerns me and I go back to the low self esteem me. I think that being treated unfairly (its not just that she got the promotions and the praise, he actively diminished me, even if she had not been there he would be a horrible boss to work for)  is universal - i.e not simply an N trait, when people are cooperative adn seek win-win situations (I achieve my work objectives, company pays me and gives more responsibilities for me to contribute more, thus earn more) the abusers become very obvious very quickly and the win/win types can find a new position quickly, probably because they excel at their job, without waiting for approval from the boss.

When re-reading it, what I found was that the co-worker is actually a victim too, she is only hurt (by me) because of how she was treated by the NBoss and my reaction to that treatment. He is in a sense, using her, just as he is abusing me and in the end, the pain is directed not at him but at her. Its like he deflects and protects himself. Now THAT is the part that is really sinister here.

Your suggestions were great Hops, thank you. It was also helpful to post here and acknowledge these feelings because I know I would get positive feedback and not feel judged. Posting here  made them feel less scary and more normal considering what I have been though over time and time again.  My sense is there would only be something truly wrong with me if I acted on these feelings or seemed comfortable with them. So, I think I am good, they were subconscious thoughts, not thoughts I chose to think about. 

Thank you!

[Hopalong]

You're welcome!

Now, how do we get your old Nboss and my old Nboss together in a locked cage?

 

Then again, Ns deserve actual compassion. Like tigers do. From a very safe distance and without any delusions about their nature.

(Pretty cool that on review, you discovered compassion for the coworker and also recognized how projectioN and maNipulation were parts of that scene...)

Hops

[Ales2]

There are days like today when I wonder what issue I have with other people that I cannot see. Its something about me, probably not related to being the child of a Narcissist but something I do repetitively that subtly turns people against me (without doing things like lying, cheating, manipulating, not that stuff - those traits would be obvious).  Not sure what it is...wish I knew and could ask some of these people what they see that I don't. (i.e in many instances, I can't ask because they will not be honest with me, some of it is their filter, as much as it my actions/words/attitude).

Ive seen so many co-workers from this one job go on to enormous success, and I feel that I am/was just as smart, talented, focused and creative (in the TV writing sense) as they are. Somehow, this one boss I worked for is very powerful in TV and I know she served as a reference for all these people and yet not for me. I have to feel I did something to deserve this treatment, we did not get along perfectly, but I have to wonder what those folks did that I didn't that made them her ally and why she promoted them and not me.

She has always given me a glowing recommendation as long as it was not in TV. I was the only one of the six people I am referring to that was in TV dept. and yet, they all got into TV from the feature side of our company and now are thriving.

[Twoapenny]

There are days like today when I wonder what issue I have with other people that I cannot see. Its something about me, probably not related to being the child of a Narcissist but something I do repetitively that subtly turns people against me (without doing things like lying, cheating, manipulating, not that stuff - those traits would be obvious).  Not sure what it is...wish I knew and could ask some of these people what they see that I don't. (i.e in many instances, I can't ask because they will not be honest with me, some of it is their filter, as much as it my actions/words/attitude).

Ive seen so many co-workers from this one job go on to enormous success, and I feel that I am/was just as smart, talented, focused and creative (in the TV writing sense) as they are. Somehow, this one boss I worked for is very powerful in TV and I know she served as a reference for all these people and yet not for me. I have to feel I did something to deserve this treatment, we did not get along perfectly, but I have to wonder what those folks did that I didn't that made them her ally and why she promoted them and not me.

She has always given me a glowing recommendation as long as it was not in TV. I was the only one of the six people I am referring to that was in TV dept. and yet, they all got into TV from the feature side of our company and now are thriving.

I've had situations like this, Ales, and I don't know what the answer is, I'm afraid.  The only thing I wondered is whether it might be possible to ask your boss if there's a particular reason?  I don't know enough about what you do to know whether there might be or not, or whether it's possible she thinks you don't want the promotion or something like that, but I did wonder if there might be a review or a possibility to ask for a meeting so that you can talk it through and see if you can get to the bottom of it?  Must be very frustrating for you so I hope there's a way forward x

[Hopalong]

Can you write and ask your ex-boss what it was that caused her to withhold her recommendation? You could very simply say what you said here--that you are struggling to tune into whether there's any behavior on your part that you are unaware of that may explain why you're having difficulty finding new employment.

And that you're asking her only for candor and an honest brief assessment, for which you will be very grateful.

Nothing to lose and perhaps insight to gain.

Good luck,
Hops

[Ales2]

Thanks Two and Hops. Part of the problem is this is very much in the past, over 10 years ago. I've had other positions including one she gave me a great recommendation, but knowing it would be the wrong job for me. It seems that when its a job she knows I would want and do well at, she can't be reached, but something not right for me, and she is right there with a glowing recommendation.  When I worked for her, she was very careful never to say anything negative, she would never say someone is not qualified, she would just rant on about another candidate who is qualified and suggest that person.  Before my job ended there, I went to the network and interviewed there, but I know she spoke to the guy I interviewed with and that was that.

I also notice that she is a friend on facebook with everyone from the previous company, but never accepted my friend request. She excluded me on purpose (which I am fine with) which just proved my suspicions that I was excluded from the group of co-workers.

[Hopalong]

Ouch. I hear you.

Not exactly analogous, but I was stunned when it sank in that after 8 years helping build a very successful company, I only have one friend from there remaining. Others I interacted, bantered and shared with there for years haven't reached out at all.

Then again, I remember that they have all been under the cloud of Nboss, and there's probably an undercurrent of fear that keeps them from being brave enough to say hello. Even the young CEO whom I championed, listened to, supported, traveled with. Sigh.

I don't think I'll ever expect "normal" relationships in a workplace again, only very very careful professional ones. Seems wiser as the toxicity can always sneak up on me. (Including my own, pushed far enough.)

Hang in,
Hops