Author Topic: Farm Doin's - 2020  (Read 5506 times)

Hopalong

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Re: Farm Doin's - 2020
« Reply #435 on: September 09, 2020, 08:12:40 AM »
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This past year has been excruciating for me. I knew what I was signing up for, so I can't really complain can I?

You sure can. I'm glad to read this. Not about your being in so much pain, but because it's unvarnishedly compassionate to yourself to call your experience what it was and what it has felt like to you.  If that's "complaining" well, bust me too. Bust the world.

Good news about B's house being about to be listed! Have you been there, or seen pix? It must be in a growing area (if anything's growing right now, economically) if a developer is eyeing it. Or an area of good land, anyway.

Wondering....the details about what B's daughter is going through prompt me to ask:
--have you ever met and talked to her? sorry if you did report that and I forgot
--is B relaying the story about her loneliness and anxiety and boredom? It's really good three friends of hers are there too. So if I have it straight: She has moved away from home (to a different city? same state?) into her own apartment and for two weeks school will be online only, then restart more conventionally (presumably with social distancing). When I was young I would've found that really hard too. The dorm, the other newbies, all of us stumbling through it together, was really where comfort was.

Is her college in a southern state? Generally, some have been slower to embrace virus guidelines. I hope she's smart and safe. If she's influenced by her Dad though, I bet she is.

Even more good news in your post:
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I'm no longer gonna sit around & mope & wait for the phone to ring. Winter is coming. And with the cooler weather, I'm finally able to heave-to and get my stuff done.

Knowing that Hol and S are almost out of your private space (with Hol still available) feels miraculous. I can imagine that it's been a relief lately with them almost-gone to have the time and uninterrupted head-space to shift into Amberlife, Amberchoice, Amberdoes, again.

I can almost feel that subtle new vigor of fall, like the coolness slipping into the air.

I am hoping for an iota of your productivity this fall.

hugs
Hops



"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

sKePTiKal

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Re: Farm Doin's - 2020
« Reply #436 on: September 09, 2020, 09:28:09 AM »
Thanks Hops. Emotionally, this whole past year has been a rollercoaster. Not being a stranger to these kinds of things - when has my life ever been consistently stable?? - I at least have some knowledge/skills to manage, maintain & take care of myself.

I've pics of B's house; not quite the full on realtor showcase - but snippets of different places. He is also a fireplace type...  :D

His D is in a dorm on campus. But yes, alone in her room. For now. I've not met her, but seen LOTS of pics. Very pretty & talented young lady. And yes, she finally knows that I exist and how I figure in his planning. I haven't talked with him about that yet. For all he can focus, his attention wanders a lot. LOL.

She's in a smaller university city in a southern state. But the school virus rules are a pretty high bar. I think she'll be fine; this kind of thing is normal. I've dealt with enough freshmen while working, to know a lot of the things they experience during that first month of being out on their own for the first time - even with the massive support structure of the college around them. They're all different of course; it seemed to me that international students were more independent and self-sufficient - but perhaps that's the result of self-selection to attend school in another country?

Just like I'm gradually reclaiming space in the house - and adapting that as my creative whim prompts - I'm doing the same thing with my overall "me space". So much activity going on around here... around me... and I'm generally the rock in the stream that it's flowing around. But this rock is starting to grow moss... and feels like it's time to roll around a little bit and maybe settle into another spot and show another side of itself to the sun.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

sKePTiKal

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Re: Farm Doin's - 2020
« Reply #437 on: September 14, 2020, 08:18:09 AM »
I have no idea how Hol is going to fit everything else she has to move, into the hut.

She had friends here camping over the weekend, and busted her butt all week prior, to get the hut functional and cozy.  I hung out for a bit Sat afternoon, through dinner... but it IS a smaller space, 9 people (including her & S) is a lot for me... and I took my cue to leave when they went to enjoy the bonfire. Too many conversations, too many egos, too many separate goings on in one space for me. She even said last night, she was happy to see them go just to be in HER house with S and the dogs... and unwind.

She wants to do some internet research, so will probably be up today, since she gets no signal down there, to speak of. Our internet is still kinda wonky. But it's happening across the country... B's had issues too. So I suspect there's something going on upgrade wise that's causing glitches/outages... or something else, that the big providers don't want to admit.

On the one hand, it's REALLY feeling good to have my space back... and be alone... and some of the tension is finally releasing. My routine is already gravitating back to what worked for me, before she and then S, moved in. But there is still a lot of her stuff occupying my space. No way it's all going to fit down there, even with her genius for fitting 10# of stuff into a 5# bag. Be interesting to see how she deals with that... and how long it's going to take. Contractors are back again today, but their work is in the downstairs bath and outside now. So it won't be much longer that I will be having to navigate the constant in/out traffic and paying them. I put off upgrades on my house & studio, to get her situated this year.

LOL... separate houses is the ONLY way, it was going to be possible for us to co-exist here. When we do sit down & compare notes, the wavelength is much better than it was. We're both more relaxed and in a better head space. Less stressed.

So, today is just going to be my taking stock of where I am with MY STUFF... I picked up the stone to finish the wall in the bedroom. I still have to trim the closet door that doesn't fit now the hardwood is down. I have a sun shade to attach off the back deck so I can have my hidden little private outside space... and there is a lot of stuff Hol borrowed for the weekend that needs to come back and get put away.

I've called my handyman project guy to put up a new gate, where we changed the end of the driveway... and the alarm system goes back up - and gets expanded. Hopefully, it'll receive a signal down at the hut. She needs her woodstove connected too... night time temps are going down into the 40s in the next couple weeks...

I have SOOOOO much to do outside, to get caught up, that I think I'll finish what I can on the bedroom stuff first - that way it'll be "done" and off the list completely.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

lighter

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Re: Farm Doin's - 2020
« Reply #438 on: September 14, 2020, 09:41:04 AM »
Amber:

I remember when you started posting about the hut.....it seemed a distant plan, but here you guys are!  Finishing the hut!

Woo hoo!

Lighter



Hopalong

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Re: Farm Doin's - 2020
« Reply #439 on: September 14, 2020, 10:12:05 AM »
Amen to that Woo-hoo, and add a Wow!

That's such a huuuuuuge thing to check off a To-Do list.

My mind boggles.

hugs and congrats!
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

sKePTiKal

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Re: Farm Doin's - 2020
« Reply #440 on: September 14, 2020, 02:46:23 PM »
We're both exhausted - LOL. And enjoying having separate spaces - even though we're "neighbors" and visiting back & forth, for short amounts of time...

I'm going down later to drop off mail and pick up a kitten. (He's a cutie - if it's a he.)
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

lighter

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Re: Farm Doin's - 2020
« Reply #441 on: September 14, 2020, 05:00:18 PM »
Are you hoping for a boy or girl kittie?

sKePTiKal

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Re: Farm Doin's - 2020
« Reply #442 on: September 14, 2020, 05:32:02 PM »
I'm good with either one; right now he/she has a new bed in the bathroom under my sink. With Freddy around I figured it would be good to keep them mostly separate for a bit till kitty adjusts to not having mama & it's litter mates. I did let Freddy in for a minute and he went right for the wet food bowl - piggy face. He wasn't happy to get ejected... but baby kitteh needs to get a little bigger before they get acquainted. About 8 weeks old.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

sKePTiKal

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Re: Farm Doin's - 2020
« Reply #443 on: September 15, 2020, 12:08:39 PM »
Getting caught up on sleep and resting and playing with both kitties (Freddy's pride is injured that I brought another cat into the house).

Going out today to resupply the kinds of food I eat - since the kids have transferred most of their stuff to the hut and have plenty left over from the weekend's camping gathering of Hol friends.

I have to start setting up to run the woodstove. Weekend temps are looking more like Halloween or November than September.... and  I still have some herbs to get in the ground - they're looking pretty rough now, as is. Need to set up to finish wall... and catch up with my "spring clean up" that I didn't do. And I JUST. DON'T. FEEL. LIKE. IT. Still.

Hol continues to drop in and chat over coffee or get a better cell signal. But she's starting to sound like me, about my tools & kitchen... and the usual suspect is the reason why. Her friends who came to visit also got on her nerves this time for the same reasons - I guess she should've enjoyed her pristine house for a few weeks on her own before inviting people who can't be expected to know how to care for things or treat hers like their own to spend a weekend.

Buck is busy purging the stuff he's kept for 20-30 years, and didn't even remember he had... before preparing for the next load up here. And dealing with more med stuff... now the stimulator is trying to exit his body; again, looking as tho it wasn't properly secured in a pocket during the last surgery. It's coming to the surface through his skin. It doesn't help he doesn't have much body fat - just muscle and skin. He figures 45 days before it becomes enough of a "crisis" that the hospital will have to do something. He's waiting to hear back from the surgeon's office as it is, after showing the T, the pic of the situation. And no, the Navy still hasn't processed his retirement paperwork (expected no sooner than October) ...

I'm glad I finally decided to just stop obsessing on a specific date when he'd be back/finally moved in. Otherwise I'd be totally nutz by now. Just continuing on with the stuff I know I need to do. Tired of waiting for Hol, too. So... now I'm just dealing with me again and I'm finding out just how many levels of exhaustion exist in attempting to cope with other people around me... expecting my time, attention, compassion, help, caring, and keeping entertained... so as to not go nutz themselves.

Hol was the big one. EVERY time, I tried to just have some down time to relax... there she was again; needing... and taking it poorly that I just wasn't overly engaged. Handle your own shit, kid... the consequences of your choices, your own frustrations, etc ad nauseum... NOT. MY. PROBLEM. Why are you talking to me - and then not liking what I have to say, again?? Go away, kid, ya bother me. (W.C. Fields)

And that boys & girls... is why mom built you your own house. NOW GO HOME. LOLOLOLOLOL.

I'm only now beginning to feel like my nerves are calming down. Living with her - and her crisis mentality (catastrophizing PLUS imagining what-ifs and "all the things") - was taking a bigger toll on me than I realized. Yes, I'm a verbal processer too... but I talk to my SELF, and don't NEED others in the processing... LOLOLOL. Not all our interactions were like that. Some real positive ones, and reciprocal giving back too.

But it's finallly stopped LONG ENOUGH for me to see what it was doing to me. It's not that she's toxic for me, per se (she CAN BE if my guard isn't up; is working hard not to be... and is just as difficult in her overcompensation that way). She's just EXHAUSTING, energy-wise.

Today looks like it might be another "Hi, I'm back day...". She was here for coffee & to grab a few things to move this morning and has been texting coordination info back & forth...

NO WONDER I've been redoing my room and setting up a private patio... where I can hide again. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Hopalong

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Re: Farm Doin's - 2020
« Reply #444 on: September 15, 2020, 12:35:30 PM »
I hope soon Hol stops her over-dependent stuff with you, Amber. Finds a T.
You are wise not to manage or analyse any more than you feel compelled to.
That kind of connection, while comforting, can also become like an addiction.
She's got a ways to go but it's a good step that she has her own damn building now.

I too find it odd that she invited a bunch of friends so quickly. But I forget youth.
Wonder how she'll weather real mountain solitude should she become solo again some day.

Sending you peaceful patio vibes.
It'll all get sorted, all of it, one day at a time and no faster.

hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: Farm Doin's - 2020
« Reply #445 on: September 15, 2020, 12:50:41 PM »
Amber:

I hope your patio is ready for the fall.  Maybe keep it to yourself and turn off your phone when you're there?

I won't give advice, but your last post seemed a bit stressed around Hol.  Maybe drop all judgment read through it again. 

You seem to be doing well with letting her carry her own stuff.  Even when she wants you to climb under it with her again.  Well done.

I hope B ' s device gets sorted.  I've come to the conclusion he must be Super Man, so will resist writhing over his lack of competent medical care....for once. 

So.
Frustrated.
For.
Him.

Enjoy your new 😸

Lighter