Author Topic: Relationship/s  (Read 61122 times)

Twoapenny

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Re: Relationship
« Reply #15 on: March 20, 2019, 07:24:41 AM »
Meeting up with all of you from the board would be such an amazing thing - we can all hope to do it one day :)  But in the meantime, get that passport application in!  First things first lol

Hopalong

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Re: Relationship
« Reply #16 on: March 31, 2019, 08:27:54 AM »
Done! Passport in, Oslo and Paris friends contacted for reunion. Dog sitters set for interviews (Pooch will pick the one she likes best).

And...love has been declared. On both sides. Well, his in a series of escalating emails from Costa Rica, where he and his brother have been doing some maintenance at his ridiculous house. (Which also has a "couple" in a "cottage" who do the rest.) Sheesh.

I got right up to the wire, then told him email "can't have everything" and I wanted to see his face when I told him how I feel. He knows. I know. And it's pretty amazing.

His key question so far has been: "What's to be done with two pianos?"

We'll start this week slowly taking steps and talking a ton and gradually figuring out how these two lives might merge. It's only been two months, but here we are. Maybe age escalates things. Something about limited time makes carpe diem easier than in the years when everything could be analysed into particles. For months.

I am in a state of gratitude, astonishment, etc. His only apprehension is fear of loss since he knows how awful grief can be. Mine is not as much that as fear of upheaval, leaving here one day not far away for the other side of the continent. But much as I love my wee house, cocoon, and all the familiarity I depend on, I have also faced the fact that as long as I live alone here, I'll never be truly happy. Sometimes for periods I will be, but not in a sustained way. Friends are dear and wonderful, but none are in my life so closely that even a phone call comes in every day. It's just not the way life is happening. For him, the world is jammed with important people to love, and adventure and work and all sorts of very full activity. I will need my retreats, but I think he's bringing me back to life.

He comes back Wednesday and I asked if instead of a restaurant evening, we could hang out in "jeans and socks." Because he's such a foodie he immediately plans the  meal he'll make. And I said Cheerios would be fine. He said no, scallops. I do not care. This is one area we'll stumble over now and then. His near-obsession with food and my desire to focus more on nutrition than pleasure. Makes me boring but too much fixation on it makes me fat. (And he shows that some, himself.)

So of course he had to order me a collection of fabulous socks. I tactfully refused a string of pearls he brought me from S.F. It turned out to be a wonderful exchange, in which he exuberantly hoped I'd wear them with my own tiny ones (from my Dad) to the formal thing coming up (which I am SO not looking forward to). He mentioned it more than once. I had to wryly but unmistakably explain that I am a Card Carrying Feminist Who Never Lets Anyone Tell Me What to Wear. He not only got it, he loved it. He raved about my independence and honesty.

Knock me over with a feather.

xxoo
Hops

PS - As though to compensate for the pearls thing, I told him I hate my socks, I will greedily accept all the socks he wants to buy me, and he went ridiculous. Raved about Bombas and ordered me a set and backordered all the bright colors. This is FUN! Then he wrote me a whole other thing about loving that I am happier with a gift of socks than pearls. Whew.

PPS - Why I am weird about pearls: As lovely and lustrous as they are, to me they are a reminder of many oppressive dictates about "ladies" as I grew up. I can't escape that association and don't want to. Coco Chanel can go sit on a tack, I just can't do pearls. So he proposed that we make an excursion to a nearby larger city where I get to pick out something that I really do like, and I said sure! (I think something that doesn't cost hundreds and maybe from the art museum's shop.)
« Last Edit: March 31, 2019, 08:34:57 AM by Hopalong »
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: Relationship
« Reply #17 on: April 01, 2019, 07:12:14 AM »
Hops:

That's quite an update!  Wowsers, and I'm so happy for you: )

Continue speaking your mind, and holding your space.  Don't give it up for a man.  Any man.

If he's truly happy with your independence, he won't crush it... not in small ways.  Not at all.

Hold you ground, Hops.

HOld.

Lighter
ps  I like the idea of you selecting a handmade piece of jewelry that brings you joy, while skipping the pearls. 

sKePTiKal

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Re: Relationship
« Reply #18 on: April 01, 2019, 10:29:17 AM »
OK, so I'm giggling over here... you sound head over heels, Hops! And I LIKE IT. I also like that it feels right to you and that he is responsive to your likes/dislikes and respectful.

Go figure; the ancient tomboy that I am... just loves pearls. Maybe for the rediculousness of the contrast between my carhartts and muddy boots. Coco would have the vapors just from the juxtaposition...

Maybe one of the pianos can be donated to a senior center or nursing home?
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Hopalong

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Re: Relationship
« Reply #19 on: April 01, 2019, 01:52:12 PM »
((((((((Lighter)))))))), thanks. I'm not about to dissolve. He is just as vulnerable (in the good sense) as I am. His feelings are uncalculated and transparent. I'll have to deal with his professor ego and giant-size intellect at times but for some reason I feel comfortable being myself. No pretzeling into someone else's fantasy.  say No pretty well, and that's key. Boundaries feel right. He's so excited that I'm the one reminding him to breathe!

(((((((((((Amber))))))))))), you got that country sexy that could TOTALLY carry off pearls and muddy boots!


xxoo
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: Relationship
« Reply #20 on: April 01, 2019, 02:14:28 PM »
Just a gentle reminder that red flags can pop up after the initial hoop hopping has passed, IME.  After you feel fully grounded, and set on a certain particular joyful path, IME.

These flags tend to creep in.... over small things.... once we've put expectations in place.  I think I've heard it explained like this..... "They've been good enough, long enough, that they can do anything to us, and we'll take it."  In other words, they did what they needed to do, to gain our complete trust, and belief in them.   That complete trust is a powerful thing.

If we hear it, and fail to speak up that first time....

If we see it, and close our eyes that first time....

it's that very first excuse we make to explain away a red flag, to ourselves, we have to watch for, IME.

We can't make an excuse.  We have to call them on it, state that boundary, and follow up with the consequences SHOULD THEY FAIL TO COMPLY WITH THE BOUNDARY, and be prepared to follow through, IME.  That's the magic in avoiding unhealthy attachments, IME. 

I think you'd see it, and remain fierce feminist Hops, but I had to put it on the board, just in case.   I'm watchful that way.

Again, I'm so happy for you, Hops!

Lighter

Hopalong

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Re: Relationship
« Reply #21 on: April 01, 2019, 03:27:31 PM »
Yes, thanks Lighter.
I will never allow myself to overlook any serious red flag. I promise.

When I married my second husband who shortly became Mr. Hyde, I let the whole mess endure for seven years, believing in words more than behavior. What I boiled into my bone marrow after that (and being single since 1995 and saying plenty of Nos) ... was that if it meant leaving on my honeymoon, leaving after day one, week one, year one, for the rest of my life I would exercise my right to LEAVE.

If it became necessary, I'd do it again. In a heartbeat. I am not afraid.

xxoo (but thank you for your wariness anyway, I'm really grateful, and feel free to remind me ANY time you hear me rationalizing something here, please.)
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Twoapenny

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Re: Relationship
« Reply #22 on: April 03, 2019, 02:51:37 AM »
Oh Hops, this is so lovely to read :)  Wow.  You two really do sound like a good match.  I understand completely the sort of 'let's just get on with it' feeling - and in some I'd see that as a warning sign but, as you've said, you've walked these paths before and your eyes are very open.  He does sound great and I love the fact that he isn't upset or offended by your refusals or requests for something different.  I've found myself thinking about relationships a lot lately and I think the ones that work are the ones where the other person knows our blindspots and our dark areas and embraces them as part of who we are (and that we are able to do that for them).

Completely understand the pearls thing, I have the same issue with heels, which I used to wear a lot because it's what "women do".  I am finding I'm rejecting a lot of femininity as I get older, particularly with regard to things like dying my hair (to cover the grey) and worrying about wrinkles.  My son has concluded that the bath is some sort of anti aging device, as you wrinkle when you're in it but the wrinkles smooth away once you get out :)

I love the image of Coco Chanel sitting on a tack :)  And yes, I get what you say about friends.  I have friends, I have places I can go, I have things I can do but there isn't anyone to sit up late with and just talk about whatever we want to talk about.  I miss that.

I'm delighted for you.  He sounds a much better match than B, sweet hearted though he was.  Can you just keep the two pianos?  I like the idea of one for everyday and one for best :)  Lol xx

lighter

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Re: Relationship
« Reply #23 on: April 03, 2019, 09:25:03 AM »
 Tupp, now I have this image of Hops having crazy dueling piano dinner parties; )
Lighter

Twoapenny

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Re: Relationship
« Reply #24 on: April 03, 2019, 10:31:47 AM »
Tupp, now I have this image of Hops having crazy dueling piano dinner parties; )
Lighter

Lol, whilst having "who can wear the craziest socks" competitions and flinging strings of pearls from upstairs windows :) I can't wait to hear all about it :) xx xx

Hopalong

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Re: Relationship
« Reply #25 on: April 03, 2019, 10:31:50 PM »
Since they're both grand pianos, we could put them end to end in some long room...great idea! Nah, I'll likely keep my little house mostly furnished as it is right here, and come back for long stretches. Maybe we'd redo the larger bedroom as a retreat for us both and it could be our pied a terre if he wants to come too. I dunno, but we'll sort it all out. His present ridiculous house is enough space for a family of 10. But given the generations of family stuff he's archiving, he might need it. Not me. I am living light as a feather compared to him and I do not envy the affluence. (I like the basic security for old age part, a LOT, but NOT the "stuff." Ugh.)

Pooch had a great time skittering around on his fancy carpets and charging up and down stairs. He stuffed her with milkbones and although she was vigilant as before, she was more relaxed. The nice thing is he's sensitive and observant. We both noticed when he reached out his arm toward me (to stroke my hair) along the couch she tensed up and watched with concern. No leaping or biting, but she has that memory: man's arm heading toward woman's head, not good! She caught on, though. It's safe. He's great with her and genuinely loves dogs.

Dinner and talking in 3-D at last was wonderful and we had a huge long conversation, still filling in loads of stories and gaps which will go on for ages. Lots of hugs and happiness. And I did get to look him right in the eyes to tell him how I feel and that felt great. We're in a good place, and what's been different for him was that he was on the dating site for one week before running across me, and I had been on and off these sites without success for MANY YEARS. He simply couldn't process that it happened so soon. But he's caught on and is happy too!

So. One day, one email, one time together at a time, and we'll just start accumulating each others' stories and figure out who we are. Since he's a cultural historian, every single anecdote about his family wanders in and out of a huge family tree and he explains somebody's relationship to somebody general such and so and detoured to some ambassador and industrialist A and industrialist B and I am as lost as I would be in a math spreadsheet. But it's how he narrates his world, with constant detours, so I get it. I just talk about people and insights and behaviors and what drives folks. Because the dates and timelines wreck my brain.

Turns out, being miserable and thinking so hard about why for so very long is actually a nice place to be as an older person. I feel WISE! And appreciated, and he's so pragmatic and driven and accomplishment oriented that he's a great balance for someone with negligible executive function.

(I forgot to take the pearls to him. Will do that Saturday. He's already ordered me more socks. This is ri di cu lous.)

love you all, so gratefully...
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

sKePTiKal

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Re: Relationship
« Reply #26 on: April 04, 2019, 11:08:01 AM »
I'm so happy for ya Hops!

Could be you're developing a real connection at the same time, you're having loads of fun - as you each share about yourselves. And you ARE WISE! we have all benefited here from your insights and perspective.

Maybe... just maybe... this is the "missing piece" in your life, that balances the inward looking?

Two of my favorite people finding "partners in joy" - you and Hol - are encouraging me to not give up on my own search for another "Mr. Right" for "Right Now".
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Hopalong

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Re: Relationship
« Reply #27 on: April 04, 2019, 01:03:31 PM »
I think so, (((Amber))).
I really do think for both of us, we're what's been missing.
He's been telling me that in terms of how I think and observe, I'm something he's been lacking his whole life. I respond with compassion to a vulnerability and he's poleaxed. He's been over-driven, forever. Something about that weighty family tree has been holding him down, or holding him back from joy, I believe. So that's what I get to do and it's fun! I also make him laugh which makes me feel delighted, since there's not much I enjoy more.

I was relieved last night when he said there really could be up to two years to sort out the bi-coastal or whatever, and that made me feel less pressure. My hope is we'll turn it into shared creativity and adventure. Meanwhile, it's all so new that every encounter, every email, is full of discovery and fun.

For a renowned professor, he uses exclamation points and hyperbole like a teenager on twitter. (But they're all about MEEEEEEEEEEE.)

It's funny, and wondrous, and ridiculous, and human, and I am so so so lucky.

YOU? Hell yeah, woman. I'm telling you, there's the educated cowpoke survivalist of your dreams in the next holler over, for sure. Once he gets the internet working in his custom mahogany double wide, he's gonna find you. And one look at those boots and pearls and he'll be hitching up his Bobcat, whistling for his bluetick hound and making his way over to dig some postholes to try to impress you.

xxxxooo
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Twoapenny

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Re: Relationship
« Reply #28 on: April 05, 2019, 06:18:54 AM »
I have tears in my eyes, Hops, I am so genuinely delighted for you and so happy to read that it's just sort of happening?  Without lots of angst or ignoring problems or pretending things are fine.  Is serendipity the word?  When things just seem to happen?  I'm glad Pooch approves as well and am so very happy for you.  I am really looking forward to reading more about what's happening and what you learn about each other.  Gosh, you really deserve a happy, fun filled chapter in your life :)  I'm so happy for you xx xx

Hopalong

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Re: Relationship
« Reply #29 on: April 05, 2019, 06:25:35 PM »
So do YOUUUUUUUU, Tupp, so do you.

When you're down please remember:
1) How truly amazing and smart and wonderful and deep and VALUABLE you are, and

2) If ole Hops can receive a random act of kindness from the universe at nearly 69, it can happen to you too.

I don't think there's any magic potion except that I really did work on accepting whatever is while ALSO insisting that I find some way of being that kept space open for the possibility of good things happening. I'm no "Secret" believer, but I do know thinking that way made life better. Even if M had never responded to my profile, I was still feeling more open. Just...open. Not expecting.

Meanwhile, for you to be moved for me moves me. Thanks, dear. I really mean this gratitude.

(Of course, should M and I unexpectedly hit the dust or I discover some awful deal breaker, where else would I recover? Right HERE, thanks to you and everyone.)

Love,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."