(((((((Amber)))) Responded about Hol over on Farm Life. Meanwhile, I'm grateful you brought up my struggle with M not accepting a NO. (Not before an endless campaign of ignoring it and/or verbally pounding at me over and over about it, until the NO becomes overwhelming.)
I think in many smaller matters I have intentionally turned my No into a Why Not or Yes. Yes, I'd like to please him. He turns almost every effort I make to give to him into his issue of no no no, I am the one who provides, serves, is generous and sacrificial. I had to talk to him about receiving...how if he deflects every gesture I try to make to express love and gratitude to him, that hurt. He worked on it. Doing the surprise birthday dinner for him was a big one. But even there, he turned to me and said, I'd be happy to pay for this...one look and he gave it up, but his compulsion was still there to take away that opportunity from me. HE is the Giver, the Big Person, the Magnanimous Papa figure. It's not all ego, a lot of it is how he was raised.
Recently, I took my biggest No, contemplated loving him and wanting to bring him happiness, and flipped it into a profound Yes. He wound up kind of letting loose of my gift in a way that puzzled me, but it was still a happy thing to do and share.
On the other hand, I think my boundaries are too rigid in some ways. My T has said to me several times that she feels I am not over-reacting to his pressure. But she only hears my narrative, not his.
I identified for M recently that the pattern I worry most about is that although I delight in him as a companion (we are crazily compatible talking, dining, traveling, bantering, exploring, laughing, socializing with others) ... where I have the most trouble is when I believe he is crossing personal boundaries into my personal autonomy. I may be over-threatened by these in others' eyes, but here they are:
--My Family. He trespassed into my relationship with my D by sending her a message behind my back about my feelings, and then by talking about "his plan" to contact and help her, that he would "let me know" when he has decided "what he intends to do." I was in fury until he grasped that he is not to do ANYTHING in her direction unless he explicitly ASKS ME about it first. She is my child, not his. For now, we've dropped that discussion. He was fantasizing a paternal relationship with her, "the daughter I never had" that was both kind and clueless (her purpose in the world is not to make him feel more saintly). He understands nothing at all about her mental illness, my loss and how it feels and kept poking at it, bringing it up over and over and over because it made HIM so sad--and thus making me re-experience an anguishing loss I'd grieved as much as I could without dying. (Repetition, repetition....). He FINALLY realized how grave this was for me, and dropped it. Though there've been a few very subtle gestures about her lately. (I think he resents me having drawn such a firm boundary there.)
--My Health. He directly ignored an explicit request my friend conveyed (nicely) for me when I was in the ER, that I did not want him to come back yet into the area where I was being treated. He told my friend, "Oh she's confused. I have to be there, I'll 'take the heat':... ) and persuaded her to let him take over. When I asked later, did she convey my request that you NOT come back? He said yes. I asked, so why did you? He said, "My feelings compelled me to." So the wishes of the stressed and overwhelmed patient, me, were irrelevant because his feelings were strong. It was NOT comforting having him in the cubicle; it added to my stress while I was in the middle of a stroke and focusing on responding to the providers. The next day I was (and remain) so grateful to have him there and very moved by his overall support (though he kept interrupting my conversation with my doctors). But the night before, he did not care about my privacy, my vulnerability, my humiliation (I was having medication not only injected but stuffed up my ass and was NOT ready to share that moment with a boyfriend I hadn't been intimate with) or my CHOICE. He found his choice romantic. I found it disrespectful and, honestly, selfish. (So I hesitate to trust him with health issues. A recent example, his insistent drama about the monitor, magnifying HIS sense of crisis into a routine appointment I was managing calmlly. Another: The other night I shared something about how ADD affects my time management and he responded dismissively, "Oh, I don't think you have ADD. You may have gotten some diagnosis, but I don't perceive it." And "Somebody wanted to put one of my sons on ADD meds!" I don't even take Rx. I was 60 when diagnosed, and immensely relieved by it. But what got to me was his entitlement to dismiss it and attitude of superiority about his knowledge. So that's another health thing I don't feel safe sharing about.)
--My Friendships. I had a tiff with a friend, coincidentally also a professor, and shared it with him because it was sad. It was just a friend story. He said, Oh I'll take care of this because as a professor I can reach out to her with some invitation because we're technically colleagues. I didn't want him to do this. I wasn't looking for him to take over and issue some invitation. I am capable of resolving or making decisions around my personal friendships myself, and didn't need or want his involvement, which would've made the whole delicate dialogue with her much more difficult. (So I regretted confiding in him about something I'd ordinarily love to share with a partner. By the way, she and I are okay again.) After the bday party he made a big deal of writing my friends to thank them for coming (which was very nice, and appropriate) and at the same time declare to them that he was extremely grateful and wanted to thank them for being good friends for me (which struck them as odd). They've been my personal friends for decades, barely know him, and frankly don't need my boyfriend to praise them for caring about me. It's...paternalistic. Well meant, but still.
--My Time. When I periodically need to retreat to recharge (as an "introverted extrovert") he emails, calls, sends intense messages about how he needs to drop off food gifts even after I politely decline ("But it's fresh! You don't even have to answer the door!") etc, etc. It ensures that I keep thinking about him, I'm guessing. I'm probably thinking about him anyway, but don't need my sanctuary time structured around his desperation to not sense the umbilical cord stretch. (So now, thanks to Tupp, I have to spell out--radio silence.)
--My History. I shared with him in France the story of a very painful hurt I'd experienced with my second husband. (Which I'd grieved, recovered from, and basically put away...I rarely think of him.) M brought it up about TEN TIMES since because it made HIM so sad. I finally explained that I appreciated how compassionate he was about that experience, but that it was many many years ago, that I had healed from it and moved on, and that I'd really appreciate it, now that he understood it, if he would not bring it up again. "I promise. I'll never mention it again," says M, as he often does. He brought it up again yesterday. (This is what I mean about repeat, repeat, repeat.) He had a pretext. Doesn't matter. It makes me not trust his "I promise." He is appalled, "You've said you don't TRUST me! My intentions are always pure and good! Because I love you so DEEPLY.") Oy.
--My Body. In the most vulnerable of situations, he persisted in a way of touching that was uncomfortable and distressing to me. I said No over and over and he ignored it. Shhhhh! Shhhhh! I left and burst into tears when I got home. I had and have much compassion for why it's an emergency to him and in some degree, how his own anxiety and goal focus overwhelm him. But despite compassion, I can't abandon my own self, my own body, to his agenda without knowing that if I say Yes, or No, in the moment I will be heard. (Not after he's repeated and repeated whatever he wants....over my objections.) He apologized profusely and sincerely by email, but also came back when I tried to talk about it in person. "I wept too" and more, which pretty much shut me down. The other day I told him I didn't feel heard and that experience was still unresolved for me. He said he wanted to listen and we should take time to sit down and he would. I'm doubtful but hopeful. For me, it's a traumatic memory, if that word isn't too extreme. So all that's on hold and I'm reluctant to re-engage at that level. Not without help.
Looking for some good news? Talking with my T, I asked her to recommend couples counselors to interview. She said it wasn't if we needed it, but when, and it's time, and suggested names. Happily, he's agreed and is also asking his T for suggestions. We'll see one from each list to find one we both like, etc. I had told him recently, when he asked again about marriage (repeat repeat) that I honestly now have doubt I didn't have before. So he's taking it very seriously. That's good. A relief.
He's never wavered about how much he loves me and wants me as his lifetime companion and no one else will do and I'm the love of his life. I believe his feelings are real; it's only some behaviors that get to me. He says if I know his intention is good (I do) that nothing else should matter (I don't agree, and told him even when there is real love, sometimes relationships still don't work.) I'm wavering now, but I do still love him, and I'll be very sad if it doesn't work out. However, I am also clear that my life would continue. It would be a lot harder, and having a stroke I'd be helpless and without a direct advocate (my friends are great but not THAT available), and I won't pretend that security isn't one of my motivations. I'll be 70 this spring. Having him to love and live with and care for going forward I believe would be a happier life for me than continuing alone. Winter is coming, literally and metaphorically.
And....for most of the hours we've been together, he's been a delightful companion. I believe we will both do our sincere best in the counseling, and that the hope lies there. Maybe all the baggage two people this age are dragging is just a little complicated. And at heart, he is an ethical person, and has kind intentions. We're also just beginning to take a look at how some things I find smothering are actually cultural differences, as CB referenced...in how he shows love. That's helpful. Dunno if it'll save us but it reduces my worry, to see some of his behavior in a less personal context.
Meanwhile, we're off to California later next month to "meet the kids" and I'm truly looking forward to it.
Thanks for listening to all that, all-a y'all.
love
Hops
