Thanks, ((((CB))))--
I am so glad you and your M were able to get to the healthy, well-boundaried friendship that you have today. And that you have each other's backs still, if there were a crisis. (I am thinking of offering that support to M as well. He has twice said to me since I ended the romantic lifelong commitment part, let me know if you need anything, and I believe he meant it.)
I don't know if he would be punitive. I had a strong reaction to his comment about "paying a price" because I chose "'total' independence" -- and do think that was unconsciously punitive. But it was also his hurt speaking, I'm sure. Time will tell whether that punitive impulse was transient for him, or if it'll harden into a general attitude of blame or payback. If that happened, I wouldn't be interested in friendship anyway.
I did notice that he went swiftly back to formality in his emails "Do let me know if you have a change of heart" and that during the T session, he slammed the lid on his feelings. I think he'll mask all that. If he hadn't, had said truthful emotional things such as, "I'm feeling devastated, is there anything I can do to change your mind?" I'd have had more hope for us. He only said something about his feelings after I'd poured out mine: "I am hurting. I miss you. I have fears of living alone for the rest of my life, I have security fears as well, , etc." He just wrote back, I don't want to be alone in old age either. You are unique and you are the best." But it wasn't ... I don't know what. Revealing anything more, I guess.
One of the things that makes intimacy possible is both people willing to risk vulnerability with the other. I think both of us have had problems with that. I'm leery of letting down my guard because I arrive with my men-baggage and because he's so controlling, even if he often means well by his compulsion to "take over and fix this" -- it doesn't feel like empathy. And though he's fairly freely shared his neediness when he was in its grip, he came across like a frantic child rather than a vulnerable adult, sharing. Although I've been kind to that whirlwind child, I haven't felt warm about soothing him. Instead, I withdraw, which isn't the same as honestly saying in the moment, "I feel swamped and overwhelmed by your demands for attention."
On balance, I think his attachment to his mask of competence is very strong. And my fear of being dominated (a fairly realistic one, imo) is very strong too. Somehow, we have missed the boat on equal sharing of what's inside. In therapy, I'd pour out descriptions of how I was feeling or how I reacted inside to various incidents. M would mostly argue or defend himself with an alternative narrative. He never got to "empathic listening" but I think he never learned it. I also believe he may have the classic "protect the inner self from feeling shame at all costs" reactions. I've been learning that's why it's so hard for some people to genuinely apologize -- to admit ANY mistake is to risk internal meltdown, because the sense of self is so fragile. Those are SO hard to dislodge, and if he's a total-N, which so far I haven't wanted to believe, it would be nearly impossible for him, unless he threw his heart into deep therapy, which is basically what I've conveyed to him.
It would be amazing if he did, but I believe it's extremely, extremely unlikely. That would be one thing I'd listen for in October. Willingness to say something about whether he's continued, whether he chose the Sikh or remained with the less-insightful young MSW, and whether he is willing to be vulnerable enough to tell me anything vulnerable about what he was learning/unearthing. Without that, going forward or renewing anything would be very unwise on my part.
hugs
Hops
