Author Topic: Farm Doin's - 2020  (Read 4069 times)

sKePTiKal

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4490
Re: Farm Doin's - 2020
« Reply #330 on: Today at 06:29:50 AM »
Lighter, if I could, I would lock things up. Logistical reasons; practical reasons; why that's not possible. But that, IMO, is the least of the issues here. This is more of a - you don't bite the hand that feeds you lesson for S... and no work-y, no eat-y. I've gotten several spontaneous genuine "thank you" hugs from Hol - but never once have those words left his mouth... like he's a "little prince" and just expects everything to flow to him from everyone.

Yes Hops, I still own everything; I will pay the additional taxes on the hut - and it's my house too, until I ride off into the sunset. The land lease lets them rent use of X amount of land and gives them a legal basis to residence in the hut, without it being a rental situation or creating an additional income (and taxable income) situation for me.

It's an understatement to say I don't like this aspect of him. And given that the rest of the time, he simply lurks around here like a ghost (except for working on HIS stuff) I truly don't know much else about him. But often our children hook up with people we don't like. I don't have to like him... but one thing you simply do NOT do, is make a personal demand from one's benefactor (his checkbook balance aside) in an attempt to protect your male ego territorial rights. Especially, when you don't step up into that role of protector, provider and equal partner. I can see where B would threaten him that way. But then, most people would try to talk through those kinds of things and get to know - or at least SPEAK to a new person that's coming into your home, or at least where you're living, if you were concerned, right?

B isn't a physically big guy. Divers are necessarily smaller to get into awkward places working on ships & subs. He also doesn't project a dominating, controlling or "bad person" menacing energy around him - in public or private. He's capable, yes. So this is all S's insecurities, and I haven't seen enough redeeming qualities to consider him a permanent "feature" here. Not with how close he is to ex-girlfriends. One of which, seems to have the same entitlement attitude he does. She was dropping broad hints to Hol during the last visit (oh, yes... I'm so intolerent & rigid, right?  /read: sarcasm) about designing/building her own house out here.  EXCUSE ME???? I don't think so.

It's not like I had much of a choice about S moving in here. Hol presented it to me; was dead set on it; and it would've definitely risked our relationship for me to say no. And I've been bringing my wishes & concerns to her about his behavior ever since. That has covered the continuum, of me asking her to ask him - since he doesn't talk to me or acknowledge me when I talk to him - to modify his habits/behavior... to my nuclear melt-down over the tools when I was trying to work.

She is definitely squarely in the middle here. And I know the same things that irritate me are going to irritate her when they don't change. I know that he doesn't have clue one what the word commitment means. But it's like if she brought home a stray dog that had problematic behaviors that weren't able to be changed or commandable - and has the clear & obvious traits of turning on you. (And yes, that fact about not being able to change people when they tell you who they are, came out my mouth during the group meeting in front of him.) I am going out of my way to not make her misery any bigger than it is, and to remain non-confrontational or force her into any decisions. But I'm not letting her try to polish this turd and pretend she's happy when she's not. She brings up issues often, before I utter a word. And since I express emotions with my whole body - she clearly knows when I'm upset or angry.

Until she makes the decision on her own, that this isn't what she wants to live with... I feel like my hands are tied. But then, I've also been running through a couple hard & fast "no's" that might be forthcoming after I've calmed down a little. As far as I'm concerned - if B's presence here, without any overt actions on his part - is so upsetting to S that he must leave - I don't really care. And if Hol is fool enough to chase after him, I won't try to stop her. This guy is a player, a taker, and he doesn't WANT to fit in and participate and shoulder the work here. And he doesn't care anywhere in his psyche want anyone else wants.

Not something I want around here. Period. My concern is Hol; and getting her the therapy she needs to stop repeating this pattern. Her anxiety levels are off the charts; and so is her energy to "do". She is positively excited about moving into the hut and his resigned, OK, I'll help you do that - if we can do this tomorrow - and no, I require a nap or food, or a walk right now instead - is truly grating on her. When she wants to be heard & her feelings/thoughts/ideas validated she seeks me out... because he really only sees her as the object that provides for his needs/wants and just isn't there for her - or gets angry at her for disturbing him.

I know what happens when resentments build up over a long time of trying to resolve a problem that only gets pushed off the table because it's not "convenient" at this very moment.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.