I'm so very happy you're going to a new T, Tupp.
Trauma really is the word for what you went through and are trying not to recycle over and over again. Perhaps also PTSD...plus the stress of solo disabled-son-raising with little money or support. Good god, that's a lot.
I can relate to some of it, though I haven't been through what you have and still go through. Forgive all this repetition but I sort of have a point by the end:
When my only sib (sociopath/malignant N) attacked me through the courts and spread lies about me abusing Nmom (oh the irony), he put me through several years of psychological and legal hell. The other area isn't legal, but when my D walked out of my life, and it finally sank in that love could not fix this....she was utterly out of reach due to mental illness (and I confess now, I believe NPD)....that was the biggest trauma of my life. All of this stuff: Nmom's death and betrayal, SocioNBro's betrayal and court attack, D's everything...happened during the same period, while I was also working for increasingly-nasty Nboss. That time was a level of daily trauma I'd never experienced before and never will again, unless I'm abused by someone when I'm helpless. I can't imagine anything being that bad, anyway.
As to when it's over....hmmm. I swiftly recovered from Nmom's death because I had had the time to ponder, pre-grieve and forgive her, recognizing her as part scorpion-who-couldn't-help-being-a-scorpion. She was not a "malignant" N like my bro. She was broken and self-obsessed, but still tried in moments (she had a decent value system that blocked her from rage or abuse, though she did manipulate endlessly and lie a lot due to myth-making). Bro, like my D, was gone instantly when the money was. Him I never think about and have no plans to see again. D I do think about, but less, and with less anguish. I'm ambivalent about the prodigal myth. I'm not sure how I'd feel if she reappeared now, because I don't have fantasies about her transformation. Simplest answer is my heart would leap at the sight of her face (at first anyway) but my mind would be extremely wary. No need to fantasize anyway, because hope is an enemy in that situation. Reality is my friend, ultimately.
[Another REAL thing was the support of this board, you real people, which is beyond expressing.]
Eighteen years is shocking, Tupp, but I get it. And here's my biggest point (sorry for the re-narration of my stuff here): During almost every single week/year of this, I HAD THE SUPPORT OF A WEEKLY APPOINTMENT WITH A KIND, 3-D THERAPIST. Still do. In addition, I HAD BY THEN A PHAMILY OF SORTS, in my case at church, NOT A PERFECT BUT A GOOD-ENOUGH CIRCLE OF GOOD PEOPLE I SOMETIMES SIMPLY SAT WITH, AND OTHER TIMES ACTUALLY BEFRIENDED A FEW. (Just two or three I know are permanent.) That happened because of long-term repeated exposures, is all.
It was goodwill (positive/forgiving take on humans being good, which is not virtue on my part but a genetic personality trait I inherited from my father) + repeated showing up (me to them). I couldn't control/predict it all, it was at times a fumbling process to believe I could attract or belong to phamily (few solid friends, is all that is) and there were many disappointments/moments of hurt along the way. Ultimately, I had a feeeeeerocious determination to build a life, create/find/blunder into a wee phamily of sorts, and re-open myself to the possibility of good things happening. (Couldn't control or conjure up a host of SPECIFIC good-thing requirements or a must-have list. But I did have a couple particular needs I listened to, about home and no-more-Npeople.) Just found that in general, life gradually began to contain more good experiences and good people than agonizing ones. Looking back, it feels like a miracle, but I realize it wasn't. Just getting T-help and continuing to aim in directions that made sense. Endurance seems like a badge but it's just plodding on, really.)
I don't know which pieces of my story could apply to you, dear Tupp. But I'd bet my buttocks one key missing part for you has been not just phamily, but therapy. Whether a T is perfectly wise or right or comforting in all moments isn't as important as whether they are kind, have decent education/training, and are genuine in wanting to help you. I am positive you can identify those qualities. It's NOT religious certainty, therapy, it's just experiencing enough trust in another human in 3-D to release more of the anguish and fear you've been through, and then finding out that T is still sitting there, taking it in and not judging. Then working out WITH you (not ON you) ways the T can help you do more healing. Perhaps EMDR is going to be that method and relationship-with-T for you, Tupp. Whether it is or isn't, I can't express how positive I feel about you going to be with a T.
I think all this I've written is awkward, contains wayyyy too much meeeeeeee, but I hope in some way it offers you a little sense of not being alone.
I believe in you, Tupp. I truly do. Your humanity and insight glow from every post, you are honest and vulnerable, you are quite brilliant intellectually, you are grounded in reality, and you have the heart of a panther crossed with a tortoise.
Errrr....poet attack. Panther as in beautiful and protective mother. Tortoise as in you are so wise, woman, that I believe you will live a hundred years, even if your progress across the sand looks slow.
Big hugs,
Hops
PS--I can imagine how deeply difficult "regularly showing up" is for you, with son's needs, your own exhaustion, etc. When I can just hop in my car and go to an appointment with a T, or a meeting or circle or service...my only person to worry about is a dog. You are coping with much more stress and isolation, so I don't imagine that following anybody else's prescription for exactly how to build a phamily or do T or find peace makes sense. Maybe BITS here and there will help, and maybe the new T will.
It seems deeply rational to me that you're exploring ideas of community based on shared or nearby housing. That obviates some of the son-sitting and calendar challenges a whole lot and I so hope something along those lines does work out for you, Tupp.
You're in MY phamily, that's for sure. All-a y'all are.