What's New for 2021?

[Twoapenny]

I've emailed the EMDR lady today to arrange an appointment for the new year.  I have felt so stressed and anxious today, completely out of control.  I am going to do some deep breathing and some yoga (again) but it's been crazy making, even though nothing in particular has happened to cause it (I had a letter and a phone call to deal with, neither a big deal but both just tipped me out of the edge).  I can't keep going through my day being set off and then having to work hard for two to three hours to calm down afterwards.  Something that did hit me (and has completely freaked me out) was that I was thinking back to the first child protection letter (this is where my intense reactions to letters comes from) and it occurred to me that, quite horrifically, the last eighteen years of my life have been completely controlled and dominated by the fabricated version of events that exist only in my mum's head and nowhere else.  Does that make sense to you guys?  I know it sounds messed up, but I just suddenly couldn't get it out of my head.  Even though she was wrong, even though she lied, whether consciously or unconsciously, her falsehood and her mistaken/fabricated/invented interpretation of events has actually controlled and dominated every single thing I've done since, either directly or indirectly.  Even down to the fact that I now have to spend an hour doing yoga and deep breathing to calm myself down again, because I had to call to cancel a doctor's appointment.  It just suddenly got in my head and it's really shaken me up.

[sKePTiKal]

Tupp, I think I need to send you a paper shredder. Shreds are useful compost, as those crosscut snibbles of things that are no longer relevant to your life; the things that you do NOT need to keep around anymore as they can never be important again.

The past decade of my life has generated a gigantic amount of paper - estates, sale documents, taxes, etc. Boxes & boxes of this crap. Haven't done it lately, but I'll put on some relaxing music, make sure I have lubricant sheets, and then have a massive shredding session. Empty the bin into a trash bag (you'll still never contain the mess) and repeat. Until the boxes are empty and the stacks are gone, leaving ONLY the things you might conceivably need in the future.

It's amazing how therapeutic this simple task is. For me, at least, it opens up so much more emotional space and the side benefit of more physical space helps too.

[lighter]

That spiral is SO familiar, Tupp. 

Stop judging yourself.  THIS is a physical thing.... you can move yourself out of it, but you have to address your hijacked biology. 

Push on a doorjamb for a few minutes, as hard as you possibly can, and breeaaaathe from the bottom of your lungs... filling them through your nose.... pooch out your tummy, then breath out slowly.... FOCUS on the pushing and breathing. 

Check your pain/discomfort... where is it?  What exactly does it feel like?  Put a number on it 1-10.  Focus on that discomfort and breathe some more... maybe waver your hand in front of your face 10 times(one back and forth is ONE time).. about 18 inches out, and breathe while focusing on those physical sensations.

Check the feelings... have they improved?  1-10?  If it's getting better, continue till it's a zero. 

If it stops getting better, focus on a place of ease in your body, and breathe some more. 

You're getting dragged BACK into the moments you were in danger, under fire, in crisis and battling for your survival. 

Your survival brain is in charge when you're spiraling like this.  It's OK.  You can sneak up under it with breathwork and nonjudgmental focus and unhook your survival brain. 

Once you've done it enough the brain calms enough tp process the memories and sensations AROUND THE MAIL, and phone calls, IME.

That the same triggers keep setting you off seems daunting, I know. 

It will get better.  You don't have to live this way forever.

When we're under stress we do what we've always done, and that's just not working anymore.  Try the breathing, pushing on doorjambs, or cross your arms over your chest and pat your shoulders gently, one at a time, like a mother comforting a baby.... and breathe, Tupp.

Give attention to the anxiety..... find it in your body.  Put your hand on it.  Name it.  Describe it.  Give it a number 1-10.  Breathe into it, and really focus on it.  Add the EMDR waving your hand in front of your vision if you remember.  10 times.

Check your distress.  You can move yourself OUT of that spiral, ((((Tupp.))))

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Tupp, I think I need to send you a paper shredder. Shreds are useful compost, as those crosscut snibbles of things that are no longer relevant to your life; the things that you do NOT need to keep around anymore as they can never be important again.

The past decade of my life has generated a gigantic amount of paper - estates, sale documents, taxes, etc. Boxes & boxes of this crap. Haven't done it lately, but I'll put on some relaxing music, make sure I have lubricant sheets, and then have a massive shredding session. Empty the bin into a trash bag (you'll still never contain the mess) and repeat. Until the boxes are empty and the stacks are gone, leaving ONLY the things you might conceivably need in the future.

It's amazing how therapeutic this simple task is. For me, at least, it opens up so much more emotional space and the side benefit of more physical space helps too.

Ha ha, I have got a shredder, Skep, not a huge one but fine for doing the normal bits and pieces that you have to get rid of.  It's Winter Solstice here so I've got a picture in my mind of naked dancing round a big fire by the light of the full moon   Lol.  Yep, the thought of it all being gone is kind of almost too good to grasp right now.  But I am reaching my mind to it as best I can xx

[Hopalong]

I'm so very happy you're going to a new T, Tupp.
Trauma really is the word for what you went through and are trying not to recycle over and over again. Perhaps also PTSD...plus the stress of solo disabled-son-raising with little money or support. Good god, that's a lot.

I can relate to some of it, though I haven't been through what you have and still go through. Forgive all this repetition but I sort of have a point by the end:
When my only sib (sociopath/malignant N) attacked me through the courts and spread lies about me abusing Nmom (oh the irony), he put me through several years of psychological and legal hell. The other area isn't legal, but when my D walked out of my life, and it finally sank in that love could not fix this....she was utterly out of reach due to mental illness (and I confess now, I believe NPD)....that was the biggest trauma of my life. All of this stuff: Nmom's death and betrayal, SocioNBro's betrayal and court attack, D's everything...happened during the same period, while I was also working for increasingly-nasty Nboss. That time was a level of daily trauma I'd never experienced before and never will again, unless I'm abused by someone when I'm helpless. I can't imagine anything being that bad, anyway.

As to when it's over....hmmm. I swiftly recovered from Nmom's death because I had had the time to ponder, pre-grieve and forgive her, recognizing her as part scorpion-who-couldn't-help-being-a-scorpion. She was not a "malignant" N like my bro. She was broken and self-obsessed, but still tried in moments (she had a decent value system that blocked her from rage or abuse, though she did manipulate endlessly and lie a lot due to myth-making). Bro, like my D, was gone instantly when the money was. Him I never think about and have no plans to see again. D I do think about, but less, and with less anguish. I'm ambivalent about the prodigal myth. I'm not sure how I'd feel if she reappeared now, because I don't have fantasies about her transformation. Simplest answer is my heart would leap at the sight of her face (at first anyway) but my mind would be extremely wary. No need to fantasize anyway, because hope is an enemy in that situation. Reality is my friend, ultimately.

[Another REAL thing was the support of this board, you real people, which is beyond expressing.]

Eighteen years is shocking, Tupp, but I get it. And here's my biggest point (sorry for the re-narration of my stuff here): During almost every single week/year of this, I HAD THE SUPPORT OF A WEEKLY APPOINTMENT WITH A KIND, 3-D THERAPIST. Still do. In addition, I HAD BY THEN A PHAMILY OF SORTS, in my case at church,  NOT A PERFECT BUT A GOOD-ENOUGH CIRCLE OF GOOD PEOPLE I SOMETIMES SIMPLY SAT WITH, AND OTHER TIMES ACTUALLY BEFRIENDED A FEW. (Just two or three I know are permanent.) That happened because of long-term repeated exposures, is all.

It was goodwill (positive/forgiving take on humans being good, which is not virtue on my part but a genetic personality trait I inherited from my father) + repeated showing up (me to them). I couldn't control/predict it all, it was at times a fumbling process to believe I could attract or belong to phamily (few solid friends, is all that is) and there were many disappointments/moments of hurt along the way. Ultimately, I had a feeeeeerocious determination to build a life, create/find/blunder into a wee phamily of sorts, and re-open myself to the possibility of good things happening. (Couldn't control or conjure up a host of SPECIFIC good-thing requirements or a must-have list. But I did have a couple particular needs I listened to, about home and no-more-Npeople.) Just found that in general, life gradually began to contain more good experiences and good people than agonizing ones. Looking back, it feels like a miracle, but I realize it wasn't. Just getting T-help and continuing to aim in directions that made sense. Endurance seems like a badge but it's just plodding on, really.)

I don't know which pieces of my story could apply to you, dear Tupp. But I'd bet my buttocks one key missing part for you has been not just phamily, but therapy. Whether a T is perfectly wise or right or comforting in all moments isn't as important as whether they are kind, have decent education/training, and are genuine in wanting to help you. I am positive you can identify those qualities. It's NOT religious certainty, therapy, it's just experiencing enough trust in another human in 3-D to release more of the anguish and fear you've been through, and then finding out that T is still sitting there, taking it in and not judging. Then working out WITH you (not ON you) ways the T can help you do more healing. Perhaps EMDR is going to be that method and relationship-with-T for you, Tupp. Whether it is or isn't, I can't express how positive I feel about you going to be with a T.

I think all this I've written is awkward, contains wayyyy too much meeeeeeee, but I hope in some way it offers you a little sense of not being alone.

I believe in you, Tupp. I truly do. Your humanity and insight glow from every post, you are honest and vulnerable, you are quite brilliant intellectually, you are grounded in reality, and you have the heart of a panther crossed with a tortoise.

Errrr....poet attack. Panther as in beautiful and protective mother. Tortoise as in you are so wise, woman, that I believe you will live a hundred years, even if your progress across the sand looks slow.

Big hugs,
Hops

PS--I can imagine how deeply difficult "regularly showing up" is for you, with son's needs, your own exhaustion, etc. When I can just hop in my car and go to an appointment with a T, or a meeting or circle or service...my only person to worry about is a dog. You are coping with much more stress and isolation, so I don't imagine that following anybody else's prescription for exactly how to build a phamily or do T or find peace makes sense. Maybe BITS here and there will help, and maybe the new T will.

It seems deeply rational to me that you're exploring ideas of community based on shared or nearby housing. That obviates some of the son-sitting and calendar challenges a whole lot and I so hope something along those lines does work out for you, Tupp.

You're in MY phamily, that's for sure. All-a y'all are.

[Hopalong]

Any time you need someone to even begin to comprehend your life, Tupp, I hope you'll have this article to share.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/2019/12/12/she-was-arrested-leaving-her-special-needs-son-hospital-now-moms-are-rallying-behind-her/

Consider us among that crowd of mothers who appeared to support her.

Hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

That spiral is SO familiar, Tupp. 

Stop judging yourself.  THIS is a physical thing.... you can move yourself out of it, but you have to address your hijacked biology. 

Push on a doorjamb for a few minutes, as hard as you possibly can, and breeaaaathe from the bottom of your lungs... filling them through your nose.... pooch out your tummy, then breath out slowly.... FOCUS on the pushing and breathing. 

Check your pain/discomfort... where is it?  What exactly does it feel like?  Put a number on it 1-10.  Focus on that discomfort and breathe some more... maybe waver your hand in front of your face 10 times(one back and forth is ONE time).. about 18 inches out, and breathe while focusing on those physical sensations.

Check the feelings... have they improved?  1-10?  If it's getting better, continue till it's a zero. 

If it stops getting better, focus on a place of ease in your body, and breathe some more. 

You're getting dragged BACK into the moments you were in danger, under fire, in crisis and battling for your survival. 

Your survival brain is in charge when you're spiraling like this.  It's OK.  You can sneak up under it with breathwork and nonjudgmental focus and unhook your survival brain. 

Once you've done it enough the brain calms enough tp process the memories and sensations AROUND THE MAIL, and phone calls, IME.

That the same triggers keep setting you off seems daunting, I know. 

It will get better.  You don't have to live this way forever.

When we're under stress we do what we've always done, and that's just not working anymore.  Try the breathing, pushing on doorjambs, or cross your arms over your chest and pat your shoulders gently, one at a time, like a mother comforting a baby.... and breathe, Tupp.

Give attention to the anxiety..... find it in your body.  Put your hand on it.  Name it.  Describe it.  Give it a number 1-10.  Breathe into it, and really focus on it.  Add the EMDR waving your hand in front of your vision if you remember.  10 times.

Check your distress.  You can move yourself OUT of that spiral, ((((Tupp.))))

Lighter

Lighter, thank you.  I'm just responding quickly right now; I've a terrible cold, haven't slept the last two nights and am generally feeling dreadful, but am trying to push door frames and look after myself.  I'm very behind with the board again and am hoping to catch up over Christmas.  I do appreciate it all so, so much.  Thank you.

[Twoapenny]

Any time you need someone to even begin to comprehend your life, Tupp, I hope you'll have this article to share.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/2019/12/12/she-was-arrested-leaving-her-special-needs-son-hospital-now-moms-are-rallying-behind-her/

Consider us among that crowd of mothers who appeared to support her.

Hugs
Hops

Hops, thank you, I'm just replying quickly as I'm full of cold and conscious that I've lots to catch up on on the board as well.  What you say about the T is interesting; I'll give the EMDR a go (and am hopeful as it seems to be helping Lighter so much) but what I've found with the last few therapists that I've tried is that I have felt judged by them.  And it was interesting to read you saying about non-judgement, because I've felt when I've tried to go (I'm thinking of three at the moment, there was another one who was lovely but when we moved the last time I couldn't get to her again because of transport issues) and explain my situation I felt I was being judged for not doing the mindfulness/law of attraction stuff and accepting that I can't control what happens to my son once I'm dead.

For me what's wrong about that is on a societal level - there's just such a deep seated acceptance of poor treatment and outcomes for people with disabilities here that there is a general assumption that I should just accept it's not up to much and stick him in a home anyway.  And that boils my blood so very deep inside, and I think that's why I haven't clicked with those three therapists - I didn't feel that they got me at my most basic level and I did feel that they were judging me for not being willing to just bung him somewhere and get on with my life.  I am realistic enough to know that it might come to me just having to give in and accept I can do no more but I'm going to give it a bloody good shot before I get to that stage.

So it was interesting you saying that because I think that hit the nail on the head and what strikes me with what Lighter is doing is that they seem to be focusing more on what comes up physically and what's painful to process, not so much on whether or not she should be feeling what she's feeling (at least that's the way it's coming across to me, I might have got that wrong!).  But it feels like that acceptance is there and they're just dealing with 'I feel scared' rather than whether or not she ought to be scared, you know?

That helps, thank you.  I'm skimming through and being brief but I'll catch up on everything properly over Christmas and you'll have plenty of reading to do when you get back from holiday   Lol, have a lovely time xx xx

[sKePTiKal]

Tupp, love.... I often don't know what to say that could be helpful for you; our situations are/were different and experiences too. And I hesitate to toss around "shoulds" these days; should be, should do. Even if I can clearly see something that perhaps you don't yet.

One thing I can say NOW, unequivocably, is that any T you decide to work with "should" be one who understands that part of their job is validating the righteous emotions you do have; that come up as you face similar life challenges over & over again. IMO, someone who "gets" those feelings, validates them, empathizes with them... will begin the process of leading you to finding the right tools to let those feelings calm, not come up in reaction to echoes or shadows of the past, and consciously manage them in a way that works for YOU. Maybe that's stating the obvious. But honestly, there is healing in just that much even before you start trying out various tools and practicing with them.

In some of the "group therapy" that's going on at the farm, something that people seem to hold in common is a belief that post-trauma, one can be reborn as if the trauma never occurred. This takes a lot of different forms. Hol is strong in ability to say "that is the past; it can't affect me now; and I choose to be/do this instead". Not everyone can do that, certainly not so clearly and strongly. (She also readily admits that it's not 100% perfect as a tool.) Matthew confessed that he expected to exit the hospital completely well again; and has been punishing himself and hard on himself simply because he still needs to work at being healthy like everyone does. John is struggling as well with some things.

And I recognized that during the court session, when it seemed that Hol's lawyers weren't going to show...  dissociation set in for me. It was mild; strictly emotional level; but I was that terrified. It was allieviated with some retail therapy in a well-stocked grocery store. For me, it's likely why I struggle to trust myself in certain situations. And I still work on this, probably always will. What helped today, was realizing that this minor dissociation was actually HELPFUL for me under the circumstances and was actually more positive all around for everyone, even though it was thoroughly intense for me. In that situation, I was irrelevant and so were my feelings. For me to say or do anything would've been completely inappropriate and decidely NOT helpful. The lawyers did show; and I almost tearfully ran to hug him. LOL.

Humans have the capacity to feel a whole universe of emotions and mental states. Yoda say: there is no "should" or "try" -- just "do". No matter how uncomfortable a feeling or emotion is... it is our life experience and IME, feelings have their own language and syntax, and LOGIC, and are valuable in assessing our current state and choosing what you WANT to do about it, if anything. I'm grateful for ALL my feelings. And most of the time, they pass and change on their own without any conscious effort on my part. I get up every morning, understanding that this is another opportunity to do something different, be different, be present with whatever I "am" that day.

No "rules", NO JUDGEMENT. Just being.

[Hopalong]

(((((((((Tupp)))))))))) snuck back in, knew I would though I should be packing....

Just a quick pingback on what you said about "feeling judged" by three therapists.

Maybe they were all judging you and wishing you'd just hurry up and warehouse your son. Hmmm.
But MAYBE, as with possibly some social situations, you were at times mind-reading or guessing based on inner emotions that might have been responding to the present moment, but also might have been kicking up emotional debris from the past? For example, maybe one of them actually wasn't judging, but what looked like judgement cues might have been facial expressions that echoed how difficult/frustrating your situation is? (My current T has rather narrow-set eyes and a habit of suddenly leaning forward and staring at me intensely while frowning. Took me a while to figure out that those moments signal when she is actually feeling a big wave of empathy and concentrating hard! LOL. I trust her; she's shown she understands a lot about me.) Maybe even T's can't have all the solutions but help you anyway by giving you a safe space to work through it all, not alone?

Just a possibility. On the other hand, if your interaction-nuance-radar is highly tuned, you might be right? Just like nearly all of the bureaucrats, most Ts are not trustworthy? (A gentle challenge about whether your thoughts about your feelings might be leading you to conclude that most Ts are judgmental, thus cannot be allies.) That said, mine isn't a blanket endorsement of all or any Ts, for sure. (I've had terrible, neutral, and amazing-thank-god-I-found-you therapists. Been at it a looooong time in different places. Overall, I have just recognized that I am a human who needs T and likely always will, and that's fine with me. So it remains a priority.

I LIKE what you said about the present-focus and physicality of EMDR. Focusing on what actually is happening within the body/memory, not evaluating its legitimacy. Big hopes for you on this.

Like you, I'd toss anybody pitching mindless positive thinking out the window. With my brain, meditation doesn't seem to be an answer though it would probably help. THINKING about the present moment helps a lot, though. Maybe for you some CBT-style thought-challenging could be worthwhile, but not if having thoughts challenged registers as being judged for having them. EMDR sounds pretty exciting. It is hard to imagine how anybody who's been through what you have, and still faces indifference and obstacles as you have...wouldn't start from a wary place about professionals of all sorts. I hope the next T you meet helps you get through that.

I'll have all fingers and toes crossed for you, in hopes that a regular and continuing relationship in 3D with a compassionate, well trained and decent T, based on whatever philosophy or approach turns out to be what you need, will show up for you.

Big hugs,
Hops

PS - I think therapy could also go better if you make sure to speak up and say what you're feeling, after you've managed to summarize the basic fact situation. As in, "I have had difficulty when I've tried therapy before, not feeling judged. I might not always be reading it right but thought it might be helpful to tell you that." A wise T values everything you are willing to share that can help them understand and work with you. Particularly information about how you feel, not just-the-facts about your journey. I'd suggest mentioning to any T how many pages/boxes of documentation your story is contained in, at your home. That mental image says a lot.

They need to know not just the facts-past but also your feelings-present, and it takes a good deal of time and repeated visits. I sooooo hope this can be managed. I'd come over and sit with son every week so you could make it to your appointments!

[lighter]

Tupp:

IF this T comes across as judgmental....
IF you feel something familiar that makes you reflexively defend yourself....

you have my permission to notice, then let it pass you by like a cloud on a windy day.  Discard as necessary without judging back.

Your journey is yours, and you don't require this T SEE it like you've experienced it, IME.  She's human...  she might have sore spots and triggers too IF she's no doing her own mindful work on herself.   I hope she is. 

EMDR is very quick, IME, but it's not about dropping goals or belief systems without doing work.  I can't imagine an EMDR T asking that of you.   

EMDR is processing those tough emotions and sensations.... a good EMDR T should fearlessly bring those things up for you, help you put the story on the shelf then move into processing fearlessly....never dismissing or judging, IME.

Hopefully your T does yoga, and practices mindfulness, and nonjudgmental focus on her own journey. THAT will help her drop judgment, ego and expectation around your journey, which seems obvious, but sometimes, Tupp...

sometimes....

ego gets in the way.

If I'd know that all those years ago,  when other Ts said stupid things... .maybe I would have noticed it, had compassion for the T's shortcomings, and just turned away from that, and into what I needed from the T.

I didn't know what I needed. I was roiling with discontent, and suffering, and the injustice wasn't cool, and it would neverBE cool and is still NOT COOL, and having to defend that point is not productive.  Been there, done that. You shouldn't feel the need to defend anything, Tupp. 

Some of us require more education than others regarding PDs.  That's a very sad statement when we're talking about Ts and Judges and attorneys, and social workers, but there it is, Tupp.  The systems are imperfect, yet we have to navigate them, and somehow do our best within them.  The third party enablers are almost more maddening, IME.   The systems.... are part of your journey, and we need our entire brain, calmed,  and firing on all cylinders to DO THAT, IME. 

I deserve not to be stuck any longer.

YOU deserve not to be stuck.

Even if the T doesn't "get" everything you're trying to explain... please remember... you aren't explaining so the T undertands.  You're speaking from the heart, and telling a story so you can finish processing it. The sensations around it are the important bit.  This T has skills and training that might be just what your brain needs to finish processing and get on with the life intended for you.

You deserve to freedom from the tyranny of your stories, Tupp...  they're in the past,  but it feels like they're right there, in your face, in your present moments. THIS is the mission... to finish them, and leave them behind so you can be here, now. 

You can fix that, and move on so you're no longer reacting... so you're responsive and present in the here and now. 

You so deserve a release from the past.  Don't assume this T will repeat mistakes of other Ts.  Know you're a good communicator, and you'll help her understand should she require more education. It's going to be OK.

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

I'm still very behind on everyone's posts

This Christmas has heralded the end of an era for me, I think.  I've had a terrible cold and still feel pretty rough.  My anxiety was so bad the week before Christmas that I did go to the doc for some medication.  I don't usually, because I like to work through how I feel rather than just numbing it, but it was just too much so I got a script and, fortunately, it started to work very quickly and I've been virtually anxiety free since.

I'm very tired, even though I've been resting a lot.  Son and I have talked about college; he is still keen to go so I am thinking about him attending just a day a week for a while, to see how he gets on.  He is much less work for me when he's at home and not getting so tired.  That's kind of the issue, is how much more I have to do for him to go to college.  So we'll compromise on a day a week for now and see what happens after that.

I think this Christmas is the loneliest I have ever felt.  Just that lack of close relationships (in the real world) really hit me hard this year.  I think trying to get out more in the evenings, so that I can meet people, is probably a good thing to try and do as time goes on.

Still thinking about moving - looking, reading, thinking.  Still thinking communal might be the way to go.  May get over to the commune I mentioned before this coming weekend.  But no firm plans yet.

[lighter]

I'm glad your anxiety improved, Tupp.

Sorry you're feeling so disconnected.  I hope getting out and meeting new folks changes that soon.

One day of college a week sounds like a workable compromise. 

A new year is upon us.  I pray everyone gets more of what they want, ((Tupp.))

Lighter

[Hopalong]

I know there are people who will be new and calming and good in your life, Tupp.

I am sooo sorry for how Christmas felt. It's a special kind of lonely some nothingness dreamed up, like a cold draft on the back of the neck.

I hope your own magical version of Tupp-hygge will drive it out so you can enter 2020 with peace.

Hugs and hope,
Hops

Ps--have a hotspot for a few mo, but full catchup back in San Jose where internet doesn't depend on monkeys....

[Twoapenny]

I am reading everyone's replies but not quite able to form responses yet lol, my brain seems to be fuddled at the minute and I can't seem to get the words out   But all are very helpful and I am taking on board, thinking, processing, breathing.

I am, quite consciously, moving away from physical achievements - moving house, paying off debt, organising support for son - and trying to focus on inward achievements - calmness, happiness, boundary setting, enjoyable hobbies (what are they?  it's been so long I don't even know anymore).  I have spent my whole life thinking if I can do a, b and c then I'll be happy, life will be good, I'll get what I want and so on.  And I never reach my own standard, it's always too high.  And then I feel worse for not doing it and so it goes on.  So I've been trying really hard these last few days not to strive, not to aim for anything, not to make myself do things, and just to do what I feel like (which is mostly watching B movies and catching up on box sets) and NOT LETTING MYSELF FEEL GUILTY OR THAT I'M NOT DOING ENOUGH OR I SHOULD BE DOING X, Y AND Z INSTEAD.  I'm putting it in caps because I have to remind myself a lot that, given the circumstances, the fact that I'm still standing is nothing short of a miracle and anything else that occurs is a bonus.

It doesn't mean I have given up any hope of moving or life getting better or anything like that, just that I'm focusing more on me, the inner me that doesn't get to speak up much about anything, and just letting her make the decisions - instead of making them for her all the time.

The anxiety meds have helped - side effects were minimal and only lasted a few days and I can really feel the difference.  It's a low dose and if it means I can get through the day without having to put half my energy into coping with the anxiety than that is a good thing.  EMDR lady as been in touch and we're going to have a chat on the phone as a first port of call.  Son wants to go back to college but interestingly only so he can tell everyone what he did over the holidays.  I asked him what he likes about college and he said being able to tell everyone what he did at home.  So we'll try a day a week.

Car is going back to the lease company on Monday; it's been lovely having it but money is tight and we'll have more in our pockets each month if we use the bus so I'll get that sorted out today.

Tie dyed some pillowcases but didn't tie the knots tight enough so they just dyed a plain colour and the washing machine did that thing you see in comedies where there are bubbles out the door and all over the floor.  Looked a bit crazy.