What's New for 2021?

[Hopalong]

Tupp, your description of the congestion and stress of it makes enormous sense to me. No privacy, that sense of hypervigilance because people can see in (or you curtain yourself into clautrophobia, practically), the endless noise and shuffle. Well put. It's wonderful to hear you claiming that this is not what you want.

So much you had to do before is adapt adapt adapt, rather than identify, identiify, identify. You've by now done a huge amount of reflection and growth, and it's lovely to see that you are including your own needs for peace in the mix, not only the practicalities for son. And positive community too. I DO believe you'll be able to find both! And more. So that you will still wind up feeling you've lived a beautiful life.

Health, exercise and decluttering. EXACTLY what I need to focus on too. I feel a new willingness to confront my stuckness this morning....so let's imagine we're partners in all that. You've got my support!

hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Hops, I'm sending supportive, healthy eating, decluttering vibes from across the pond!  I'm trying very hard not to constantly berate myself for not doing more or not doing things better.  I'm sticking fairly well to the healthy eating - still finding I really want a sweet snack mid afternoon but I got some fruit and nut bars - they're not really that healthy but they're better than chocolate or biscuits so it's a step in the right direction.  I got son out for a walk in the rain today - he wasn't happy but he did it and if we can get past the weather avoidance stuff that will help out a bit so I feel better that he got some fresh air and exercise.  I didn't do much this afternoon and I struggle with not doing much and caught myself trying to justify watching TV.  So I thought "just give yourself permission to do nothing for a couple of hours and go with it".  It doesn't feel natural, I must say, but I'll stick with it.  We've got stuff to try to sell (mostly son's things that he doesn't use any more) and I did find myself looking at books today and thinking I could actually sell some of those as well.  I've hung on to old teaching books and university texts because I wanted to get back to that life and it felt like I was giving up on that if I got rid of them.  But we're in to a new phase now, I'm not going back so I could try to sell them (or give them away) - I can always buy them again if I do suddenly discover I can't live without the info in Chapter 3 or find it anywhere on the internet   Feeling up to being a bit more ruthless.  And the same with clothes; I've got stuff that I've kept for best or just in case but really, if I do get to a point where I really need a fancy dress I can borrow one for a friend.  I'm feeling the need to purge!  I always feel bad about selling or giving away things people have given me.  It feels mean when someone's gone to the time and trouble to buy something and send it to me.  But I've got quite a few clothes that a friend bought me that don't really suit me, quite a few books that people have given me that I don't really fancy reading, some bits of jewellery that people have given me that aren't really to my taste.  All given a long time ago but I think maybe some of that needs to go to the charity shop now (or when the lockdown is over!).

I think you're right, Hopsie, a lot has been about adapting rather than identifying and a lot of my stuff is to do with that?  Buying clothes that will do because they're cheap rather than getting what I really need, making do with shoes that don't fit well because there isn't money to buy new ones, hanging on to books because it's better than not having books. furniture that doesn't fit the room because someone gave it to us, etc, they're all to do with adapting and making do, aren't they?  Rather than deciding and making choices.  So maybe time for a big cull of adapting and making do to free up space for choices now.  That sounds quite exciting!  I did decide that whatever happens about moving, I'm not going until that paperwork's dealt with, even if that does mean it all ends up in the shredder.  I'm not lugging it all to another home and having it take up space there as well.  So I'd best get my bum in gear!  Lol xx

[Twoapenny]

It always amazes me how much work my brain does when I'm asleep.  It's quite often not a helpful thing as most mornings I wake up in the middle of reliving something awful or formulating a row or a legal argument in my head.  But sometimes it does sort other things I've been pondering and I woke up this morning in exactly the right mood for a massive clear out.

Wherever we move next, and whenever that is, I have to pay for everything I move with me.  And a lot of my stuff isn't worth any money at all.  I'd struggle to get 50pence for some of it at a car boot sale.  So much of what we have - and we don't have all that much, to be fair - but so much of what we do have I've kept because someone's given it to me, or because I needed it once so may do again (kitchen servers and platters, for example.  The last time we had a lot of people over for a birthday was many moons ago and I picked up some big bowls and serving dishes at the charity shop.  We never used them again but I kept them, just in case).  Similarly I've got about eight wooden spoons; people have given them to me over the years often as part of Christmas gift packs and they're all in a jar by the cooker.  I do use wooden spoons, but eight?  Do I need eight?

Some of it is linked to allegations - the paperwork, obviously.  Books and other obviously educational items - everything you need is on the internet now and we can borrow pretty much anything else from the library.  Or purchase again in the future, if they do become a daily necessity (I should just add that I actually love walls of books - a complex, higgeldy piggeldy second hand book shop with every kind of book you can think of is heaven on a stick to me - but I don't need it at home).

Clothes - we have spares of things, in case something gets lost, so that I can't be accused of neglecting son because he only has one glove or he doesn't have wellies and snow boots.  My clothes are old, patched, worn, mismatched - I barely spend a penny on myself so that I can't be accused of spending his money on me.  The whole house and our whole lives are literally a fortress against malicious allegations.  So obvious and yet I haven't seen it before, not as clearly as this.  Bloody hell.  Right.  I'm off to start decluttering.  Thanks, you lovely lot!  It's chit chattering away on here that brings all these things to the front of my mind and gets me going on the right path again. xx

[Twoapenny]

Saying goodbye to my old life is proving harder than I thought.  I've realised that all the photos I've got in frames around the house and up on the walls are either (a) from before the first set of abuse allegations, (b) pics of son engaging in activities or days out (proof he's not being neglected) or (c) 'motivational' pictures of me from times past that I wanted to get back to - holidays, evenings out with friends, that sort of thing.  It's a sort of homage to a life we used to have and it's made me realise how everything froze the day I got that first letter telling me they were convening a child protection conference.  We've lived in a sort of suspended animation since then and it just makes me feel empty and sad.

I took everything out of my wardrobe and only put back clothes that fit, that I like or that aren't in poor condition.  That was the sum total of my new running kit and one skirt   Everything else I own - and wear day to day - is old, make do from the charity shop or just too small for me (about half of my stuff is two sizes too small).  I'm just invisible in there.  I've had to put some of it back or I'd have nothing at all to wear but two thirds of it is now bagged up to go to recycling and I am making it my mission to focus on good quality clothing (which I can get second hand online so lockdown shopping is possible) and to buy things that I like and that fit.  I'll replace the tatty stuff as and when I can.  Where did I go?  I used to love getting glammed up for a night out or putting on a crisp, fresh suit for work in the morning.

I did the same with jewellery; I never wear it but I've kept a few bits for sentimental reasons.  The rest can go.  I've got a bag of make up that can't contain anything less than ten years old; I never wear make up.  I cleared a whole shelf of painted glasswear from the bathroom; one of the things I've found with the sort of facilities that son's been to over the years is that they all tend to do the same activities   So I've got loads of bottles and coffee jars that he's painted, mosaic tiles that he's made, one whole jar full of cheap plastic medals that they give out every time one of them does something well.  What I wouldn't have given to have swapped all of that for some speech therapy or a good OT that could have found a way for him to understand shoe laces.  That kind of stuff makes me sad - it's precious to me because he made it but it's no use to anyone else and there's nowhere for it but the recycling bin.  Books I have whittled down to literally a small handful that I do use for reference or that contain particularly passages that I do re-read regularly when I need a bit of lift or focus.  Old teaching books - they were hard to put in the box, particularly a number that a family friend bought me when I finished my degree.  No-one else paid any attention so it meant a lot that she went to that effort.  And I'm noticing how many things I've done to try to make our place more homely and comfortable - little things from charity shops, odds of fabric that have been turned into small curtains or window dressings, cushion covers and so on, just to try and brighten the place up.  It feels like I've been polishing a turd.

Anyway.  I'm cracking up.  It's just proving to be harder than I thought xx

[Twoapenny]

Just pondering things as we muddle along this morning.

Gadgets - generally I feel these add stress and strain to my life.  I've pulled a pile of gadgets out of son's room - a drone, a digital camera, a movie making something or other - all have been sitting for ages waiting for someone to look at them.  I can't get any of them to work, no idea what's wrong with them, have faffed online and tried various suggestions.  Have had to go through various log in things on my phone to download an app that eventually told me my device wasn't compatible with the other device.  So much of it feels so pointless and such a waste of time.  I guess we can stick things on Freecycle and if there's someone who knows how to fiddle with these things they can take them and see if they can get them to work but I'm thinking longingly of the days you put a biro in a tape cassette to rewind it and that was as much as you needed to do

We have sorted through some things to sell via an online shop so that clears a bit of room and gives us a bit of spare cash.  I think we'll just try each day to sell a bit, give a bit away and just recycle anything that doesn't fall into those categories.  I think it will be good once it's done.  I did some shredding.  I do like shredding xx

[lighter]

(((Tupp)))

Clearing stuff out will feel amazing once it's done, IME.

Doing it can feel excruciating, IME.

I'm sending cyber tea and energy for finishing the job ahead.

You're a wonderful person....one of my favorites, and a heroic mom. 

Your siege has ended.  I'm curious about opportunities to use your education and experience.....working with other special needs children, helping their families navigate the system, etc.  Something you can do with your son that might bring more companionship for him, best case scenario.

Not sure how grant applications work there, but you'd be great at managing a larger situation, imo. 

I'm with you...not letting go of the past, but knowing it's always with us.  Not behind or gone, but here, now.  We can turn to the future and be fully present, without regret.  Only acceptance, dear Tupp.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

(((((Tupp)))))),

You have been forging through some very heavy surf these last few days, with your confrontation of things and symbols and clutter merged. It's heroic. You made so evocatively clear the weight of each thing.

This was a privilege to read. I felt as though I'd read a classic how-to-declutter guide WITH moving, meaningful, poetic and luminously present personal commentary throughout.

You saw all the things, understood their meanings, and still found the courage to hold, lift and then release them. Exhausting, liberating work.

Pile on some extra self-love, self-respect, self-compassion right now, okay? Plus some extra nourishing food and extra peaceful rest.

You'll be okay for the next round if you do those things. You are amazing.

Extra hugs,
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Thank you both, so very much, for your kind words and support.  It means so much and I really needed that.  Very humbling.  Thank you.  I'm so grateful.

It does feel a bit easier this morning.  It was interesting yesterday to notice how many of my old stress related problems (largely absent during all this time at home) came on very strong - upset stomach, headache, brain fog, irritability.  It did reduce by bedtime; I went for a walk in the pouring rain and howling wind last night.  I was soaked and really cold by the time I got home but it blew the cobwebs away a bit and gave me something else to focus on for a while.  I'm just concentrating on one job at a time today, which is currently boxing things up.  At least things can be stacked out of the way while I get sorted.  I have had to throw quite a lot of stuff that son made when he was small in the bin and I hate doing that, not least because it's all stuff that will just sit in landfill.  It won't breakdown and decompose easily and I don't like the idea of contributing to that.  But there's nothing else to do with it now so I've bagged it up and it will go out with the rubbish tonight.

I've got two big bags of clothes; some of it I might be able to sell as it's nicer stuff that's too small for me, the other bag can go for recycling.  I sorted through my winter woollies drawer - five pairs of socks that don't fit, two pairs of gloves that are too small, two hats that are too tight and a scarf that was lovely but is so old now I may as well tie a bit of string around my neck for all the good it will do.  I've got two pairs of trainers with holes in them and a pair of boots that are nice but so uncomfortable I hardly ever wear them.  I'll just replace things a bit at a time.  I've got one nice fancy pair of boots that I've just hung on to for years because they were my favourites and I used to love wearing them but I can't see myself ever using them again.  And one niceish pair of shoes that I bought the last time I went on a date.  The date was disaster and the shoes have sat in the wardrobe ever since - again, hung on to just in case I did go somewhere nice one day.  But I think maybe I need to reframe things in my mind - nice now doesn't mean dressing up, it means a decent pair of waterproof boots so my feet stay dry when I'm walking or a nice top that washes and dries easily so that I'm not faffing about spending time doing laundry.  Maybe that's the way to look at it.  I'll keep you all updated as the day goes on   Waffle waffle lol xx

[Hopalong]

Some decent clothing might be more important than furniture, or at least get worked in as a sane priority? YOU are more important than household stuff, and good-quality though inexpensive clothing is possible to find. I find it online; shoes too. On sale.

It might help you feel better and less forlorn, which is good for both you and son. It's a positive mental health thing and you won't let it run away with your budget.

I'm still learning how to balance my Do Not Buy Meaningless Stuff principle with Now and Then Invest in Myself one. I basically hate acquiring and shopping, so that helps. But I do want to feel and look better put together, too. Supportive comfortable walking shoes, if you don't have those, would be #1 for me.

You GO, girl!

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

I just did that too, Tupp. Most of it was jackets I needed at the beach; and loads of toys we kept on hand when the littles visited. I think one of the reasons it's so hard to let the physical "proof" of our past lives go, is being confident that we're moving TOWARD something new - and just as important to us. Without diisparaging who we were in the past or what those goals were; to affirm that we've grown, changed and have new goals.

When you're shopping online - do check the clearance sections of your favorite department store or retailer. Sizes tend to be limited there; but often you'll find excellent bargains there in the better clothing...

[Pseudo Mouse]

Having what you need at the top of the pile is better than digging through stuff that doesn't fit. I guess anybody that lives in a revolving seasons climate is obligated to always have some stuff stored away out of practicality.

When I was a teenager I used to sew sequins on the bottoms of my pants, what a weirdo I was haha. I can't imagine taking the time to do something like that now. Sometimes I do wish I had space and discipline to sew some blouses. I buy the cheapest disposable junk clothes off of Amazon these days, flimsy leopard pants and sweatshirt type stuff but then I don't feel too bad about wearing it out either. I envy people who are into the slow clothing movement but it can get eccentric. It would be interesting to find out if the global pandemic has reduced the amount of garment trash that has been generated. I sort of feel like style and celebrities became less relevant for a while.

[Twoapenny]

Hopsie, I'm the same - I hate shopping for clothes, online or otherwise, hate trying them on and having to send things back if delivered, so for a long time grabbing something in a charity shop that's really cheap anyway just meant it would do, whatever it looked like, it just means I'm not naked and that's all I needed lol.  And there is a difference, isn't there, between buying new clothes every weekend just for the sake of it (which is what I did years ago; couldn't go out in an outfit I'd already worn) and putting some time and effort into finding good quality stuff at a good price.  But yes, a bit of investment in a few items now would be a good thing.  What has surprised me is that I've cleared about two thirds of the stuff out of my wardrobe - but I feel like I've got more to wear?  Isn't that weird.  It's also making me keep up with the washing a bit quicker so something I need isn't loitering in the laundry basket.

Skep, I think that has been a big thing with all of this clearing out - I know I don't want the future to be like the past - but I also don't know what I do want it to be like, or even what is or will be in my control?  That's an odd situation to be in (especially for a control freak like me).  The endless what if? questions keep me in a loop a lot of the time - if this happens what will I do, if that happens can I do that instead?  And with everything at the moment so up in the air it's difficult to know whether things that have worked in the past will work again in the future?  Hmmm.  It's a lot to think about.

Nice to see you, Posh   Yes, some things do need to be stored because they're out of season, but do you know what, I sorted through my summer stuff yesterday and out of a storage bag of clothes and shoes there's one pair of shorts that fits.  Everything else is too small or so old the elastic's gone, or it's full of holes, or even it just doesn't suit me any more.  Funny how having something feels more reassuring than having nothing.

I used to sew sequins on things as well!  And cut things up to make new things and put on patches or brooches, anything to look a bit different.  I used to love buying stuff at the charity shop and changing it into something else - a long skirt into a mini skirt, a long sleeve top into a vest top, a jumper into a cardigan.  It's nice doing it with things you didn't pay much for because if you do it wrong it doesn't matter too much (and I think you can get away with crazy looks when you're younger; I think corporate environments for adults tend to knock the sequins out of people ).  Lol.

In other news - I've had contact from my mum.  It threw me for a loop because for the first time in many years it wasn't nasty (just a little card to let me know my aunty had died) and she signed it from mum.  Usually she signs with her name and usually she's slagging me off for something or creating some sort of problem.  Not attaching anything to it, it was just interesting to notice how it felt like shutters coming down in my mind.  Partly because it wasn't nasty, I think - I recognise her writing and I brace myself so when it's mean it doesn't affect me too much.  I wasn't expecting anything else.  So yes, all is fine, it just threw me off my game a bit.

The local supermarket are doing clothing recycling at the moment so I can drop off a bag each time I get my food shop.  It will take quite a lot of trips doing it like that but at least it gets it out of the house and I don't need to deal with it later.  I've got two boxes off stuff to post off to an online selling service and another box of things to try to sell.  I might try listing one item a day on Ebay and then if it goes it's only one thing a day to post, which is easy to manage.  Most of upstairs is decluttered now; there are a few bits but at the moment all I'd be doing is moving them from upstairs to downstairs which is pointless.  So we're getting there.  The kitchen's not too bad; I don't have a huge amount of excess stuff and things I have noticed I've dealt with as I've gone along.  The paperwork will be the next big task but it does feel positive that I'm finally at the stage where I can really get on with doing it, rather than just keep thinking I need to do it.  Getting there slowly xx

[lighter]

Hi, Tupp:

Good on'ya for decluttering closets and upstairs.  My closet could use a good edit too.

I'm a bit paralyzed by all the family photos and things, but ready to make a plan and execute.  Whatever we do, it will have to be enough.  I guess boxing up stuff for everyone, then letting them handle it their way.  I have no idea what I'll do with mine.  I feel lucky and cursed to have all this family history.  I guess a family member takes an interest and handles it....usually?

How are you feeling about your Aunt passing away?  Was she the very kind relative?

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Hi, Lighter

Maybe you could do a family book at some point - a kind of 'This Is Your Life' type thing - important events with accompanying pictures that sum up each person.  Fairly brief rather than everything anyone ever did.  I think some of the photo shop type companies do it so you just upload the pictures and write the captions and then you can either print it or just email it to people?  I agree, it is hard to know what to do, it feels bad to just throw things away but they don't mean anything to other people so no-one else wants them.  Maybe if you do go down the air bnb/hotel type route with the lake house you could do a family history display in one of the shared areas, linked to a bit of local history?  It's not everyone's cup of tea but I always love reading about who was there before and how they got to be there.

I just feel a bit disconnected where my aunty is concerned; she isn't the one who's always been very kind but she also wasn't unkind.  It's just such a messed up family that healthy connections didn't happen with a lot of people.  I think the time we were kids played a part in it as well; in those days children were seen and not heard so when we went to visit we just sat there until it was time to go home.  There wasn't really much interaction between adults and kids so once we were old enough not to have to go we didn't, and then of course it gets that you only see people at weddings and funerals.  If I had an air bnb place I wouldn't be putting the family history on the wall lol, I'd send it to a psychology department or something   I just feel sad that she's passed, as have so many, and her final months were without visits from family and friends and she had two nurses by her bed when she passed rather than her own kids.  Funerals are limited to ten people at the moment which isn't even enough for children, partners and grandchildren so people have to watch it online which just seems so impersonal.  I know it's necessary at the moment but it does make it harder.  So, yep, it's just a tough time all round for people.  I'm glad she wasn't in pain, though, that's something at least.

Upstairs decluttering is more or less done - a few bits and pieces but not much.  I freed up enough space in the drawers in my bedroom to be able to decant a storage box of son's Lego pieces that was on the landing into the drawers.  Next step is to work our way through some of the tins we stocked up on through winter to free up a shelf or two there and then the CDs that are on the landing can go into that space and that's another area cleared.  I've got two boxes ready to go to the online shop so will post them today, and another one ready to go tomorrow.  I've bagged the clothes for recycling into smaller bags so I can carry them and I'll take them to the shop two at a time each evening; it will probably take the week and then they'll be clear as well.  Kitchen and garden aren't too bad and just need a good clean and a few bits relocating.  I've got lots of photos I want to sort out, lots of son's education stuff that needs sorting (with a new at home plan writing up) and then - the paperwork.

It doesn't feel too bad to deal with?  I've decided to invest in a multi-page scanner, so that I can scan a stack of pages at once instead of feeding them in one by one.  The best buy (from what I've read up on) is quite pricey so I'm going to look for a second hand one; if I can't get one I'll go for the next one down which was more affordable, and I can sell it on once I've finished with it.  It should make dealing with it faster.  I'm also going to prioritise things that will be useful going forward - I'd like son's capacity formally assessed so that I can apply for permission to act on his behalf instead of having to go through the process every time consent is required.  I also want to review the possibility of legal action with regard to negligence at birth as wires have been crossed there and I'm not sure exactly what happened, so I need that straight in my mind (and possibly sent to another sol).  He also needs a medication review and there's a small amount of paperwork needed for that just so we have dates, diagnoses and so on.  One file of current, up to date information and I've been working on a kind of instruction manual that gives (a) information to anyone taking care of him and (b) talks him through things he needs to do step by step.  I do keep wondering as well if I need to set up some sort of power of attorney for me, so that someone else can act on his behalf on my behalf if I'm incapacitated, if that makes sense?  Even possibly just having someone else who can access his bank account so that at least he's got some money for the things he needs if I get hit by a bus or something.  So I'll work on those things first as they're necessary and I can scan, sort and shred as I go.  That will take care of quite a lot of it anyway, and then hopefully the rest will be just scan and shred and it won't be too difficult to do.  I am feeling quite excited about having a big pile of paper on one side of the table, feeding it through the scanner, then feeding it through the shredder and then putting it out for recycling Lol.  It doesn't feel like a daunting task now, more like something I can work on a bit at a time, gradually clearing space as I do.  It feels like we're getting ready to move on, both in terms of physically moving as well as moving past everything that happened in his childhood.  Moving into a new phase as adults, together but with our own lives as well.  That feels like a good thing to work towards just now xx

[lighter]

That was an uplifting update, Tupp.  In terms of you moving through the steps and goals with purpose and energy.  Undaunted. 

No need for speed or leaning into the future.....just.....one day's work at a time.  It be I g enough.

:: nod::.

I've noticed my entire posture changes whenever I'm living in the future.  Neck forward.  Chin out.  It's uncomfortable and creates pain, actually.

When I correct it, I SEE my mind was on the next destination....typically happens while driving, so far.  Bring myself back to where I am tlrelieves the tension it turns out I generate, myself.  It's all old brain pathelways.  Noticing is how I'll change it for good.

About the scanner.....that sounds like a very wise investment in YOU, IME.  Your time, your effort, your dealing with the papers.  I wonder if you can rent the top if the line scanner then send it back when it's done IF it moves you swiftly through and out the process.  Not sure.  Just thinking you won't likely need that scanner forever....maybe?

Again, you sound centered and whole to me.  You sound very much enough: )
::nod::.

Lighter