Farm Doin's - 2020

[sKePTiKal]

Well, I got the few presents I got for the kids wrapped today. Only real kitchen work is making my favorite bread - recipe makes 2 loaves - and I'll deliver a loaf and presents later. Hol & S have a friend coming out for a couple days. S harvested one of the drakes and Hol will make dinner tomorrow. I'll cook a spiral ham and some kind of sides tomorrow for sandwiches and take that and some sweets down. Hang out awhile.

We're still waiting on presents to be delivered. Obviously a rough year for that kind of thing. I woke up feeling as bereft as I did after Mike died. Coz Buck isn't here... and then I insisted on "doing something" until the mood lifted. Its been pouring rain all day and never really got light. No way I'm giving in to that kind of gloom. But I can't fake it either. I just WILL be OK on my own and live my life until he can be here.

Watching Fellowship of the Ring. Waiting on bread to rise.
This year's holiday will be what it will be. We're warm, dry, have good food.

[Hopalong]

Good (no, great) attitude, (((((Amber)))).

I understand the melancholy.
That human calendar has its hooks in us.

But you're doing really super well, it sounds.

Hang in there. This time next year I hazard you
and Buck will be feeling all the good holiday feels
together.

Meanwhile, big hugs,
Hops

[Twoapenny]

I'm glad you've got that 'go away, gloomy feelings' ability.  It's can be so hard to give ourselves that kick up the backside to get out of bed when you waking up feeling that way.  I hope the day feels easier - pressies, kitties, freshly made bread and some good films to boot.  Merry Christmas from over the pond xx

[sKePTiKal]

One of my fav "rock & roll" Christmas tunes...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yfY4b1NszpY

Yes, just getting up doing - what, at the root, was all stuff I WANTED done - helped me shake off the wobblies. And that's my motivation: it's stuff I want to do, really want to do -- whether anyone sees/acknowledges it or not -- because it's the kind thing, it's being neighborly, or spreading cheer & goodwill to all mankind... small gestures & smiles have a ripple effect... maybe especially when some people don't understand...

that is an effective teaching method.

[Twoapenny]

One of my fav "rock & roll" Christmas tunes...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yfY4b1NszpY

Yes, just getting up doing - what, at the root, was all stuff I WANTED done - helped me shake off the wobblies. And that's my motivation: it's stuff I want to do, really want to do -- whether anyone sees/acknowledges it or not -- because it's the kind thing, it's being neighborly, or spreading cheer & goodwill to all mankind... small gestures & smiles have a ripple effect... maybe especially when some people don't understand...

that is an effective teaching method.

Definite nodding to the small gestures, Skep.  I've said for a long time that people doing little things makes a big difference - holding a door open, saying good morning, leaving a pot of jam on a doorstep - it all makes a difference.  I'm glad you shook your wobbles off xx

[sKePTiKal]

My goodness it's cold here! But it's not so bad outside, at my house on the top of the cliff - as it is down in the bottom of the hollar at the Hut. The wind is forced through a tunnel of the two close ridges and with an ambient temp of 24-28 degrees - the wind chill goes to zero right quick! Both houses are pretty cozy; I still have a draft that I can't quite find in the living room but I just close the curtains and it helps.

I heated up my de rigeur spiral ham and cut it all off, packing up a couple pounds for the Hut, a loaf of my country white bread and a tin o' sweets and grabbed a bottle of champagne that had been hanging around in the fridge for a year or so... and delivered presents and hung out a bit. The friend who's staying with them, talks non-stop about herself - essentially an anxiety-tic - and I started to notice my "flee reflex" kick in, LOL... contant, repetitive noise drives me nutz... so I made my excuses while Hol was prepping their dinner and escaped back up the hill. To finish the Fellowship of the Ring, watch some past Olympic Gold ice skating performances, read, snuggle with kitties... and occasionally chat back & forth with B.  He's in a not sleeping mode again; phone woke me at 4m with a silly mistletoe pic from him.

I gave Hol a heads up that I'm going to shift into planning mode again next week - and doing mode, depending on weather - and that'll require a studio meeting, with all the lists. I haven't gotten an ETA from B yet; he keeps saying play it by ear. Hmmph. I think I'm about done waiting; within reason. And I'm into my "stare into the void" and "imagine the next steps" phase of my planning. The quiet part. If he wants to be included in that - he'd best make that known to me in a practical way.  I'll probably call him later today.

This endless waiting feels too much like how I felt after Mike passed. And that simple fact adds a layer of irritation and suspicion, to the mix. Is he serious or isn't he? It isn't a good idea to leave me alone - after saying I won't be. And I realize I might just be making a problem where there isn't one... so for now, I'm keeping that just between us girlz.

Found out last night that all of Autumn's household has tested pos for the virus; she & fiancee are sick sick; Logan has a cough... and the littlest, Ms. Harper - is asymptomatic. Told her to let me know if she needed anything. Hol & I can tag-team to help her out. So much for frontline people getting the vaccine, I guess.

Thinkin' maybe I'll start re-arranging furniture. Just for something different to look at.  :grump:

[Twoapenny]

Sorry to hear of those with the virus, Skep, and hope they aren't too badly affected and start to feel better soon.  And sorry that Buck hasn't lit a bit more of a fire under his plans yet so that you've got a firm date in mind - I'm guessing even if it were further down the line than you'd like any date would be better than no date.  So I hope whatever he needs to sort out gets sorted sooner rather than later so that you can just get cracking.  Waiting on other people does my head in, I've no patience lol.  Fellowship of the Ring and kitty snuggling sounds nicer than Hol's drone along friend   I hope you can get on with some planning and doing soon - I've had three days of doing not much over Christmas and I have to admit, I'm happier when I'm busy.  Cleaning today, re-organising food so we don't waste any and packing away the Christmas decs - I'm much happier!  Lol xx

[sKePTiKal]

Yeah. Open mouth and actually SAY what's bugging me after I said I wouldn't. SMDH. And no, it wasn't just going away; hence the expression of truly uncomfortable feelings. And no, I didn't bother doing the deep-dive analysis FIRST... and I couldn't ignore it anymore and just wait it out. SIGH.

So, it came out worse than my normal ungraceful delivery. Funny how some words simply can't be unsaid - and yet others are of no consequence at all.

But, B is not terribly sensitive, or insecure in himself - he let me have my say, explained yet again that things have to be a certain way in his logistics of the move and is just fine about my hissy fit over the long-assed wait and feeling like we haven't even begun an actual "relationship" -- and that I don't rate that high in his set of priorities. Anyone else (in my experience) would come back with a question about whether I still wanted to pursue this and take offense at my feelings. Even to the point of running away himself. Not B.

Yeah. All this bubbled up from the old "I don't matter" wound. And that was partly due to me, not really taking the time for the self-care I need this time of year. Kicking myself now - because I really do know better than this and where I got way-laid was too much alone time and letting my head have free-rein without the focus of doing what needs to be or can be done right now. Including things for me. I've been pushing all that to the back burner, bottom of the list again. And then, got frustrated over the online shopping/shipping delays - that I can't do anything about; and just felt just.... whiny, dis-satisfied, and generally unpleasant to be around (and trust me, it's even worse being me in that state).

So... I have a list (as usual). And I'm going to start knocking things off the list again. The worst thing I can do for my mis-wired brain is to sit around waiting for Prince Charming to show up and make everything OK - when there are things I have to do prior to his arrival and things to do for myself - and things that I am fully capable of doing for myself, including putting my head back into a better space.

[Hopalong]

I'm super-sorry the virus has hit your daughter, Amber. That's nerve-wracking. What is her job in health care (and is she healthier herself now?). Many good vibes heading her way. Do you mean by "spelling" that you and Hol will be going to her home?

I am very impressed by your honesty and openness about the bout of anxiety and irritation you had over the waiting time with Buck. And his response to it. I hope you won't bash yourself too much. You really have knit the reasons together now (echo of Mike grief, early abandonment wounding, insufficient self-care due to Type A Farmer behavior--okay, I made that one up).

Forgive yourself, make whatever amends you think you must, and you've already moved on. I do think it's a hint that self-care could include supportive Zooming with a smart counselor though, if you're interested. Might drain off the edges so both the waiting and the adjustment to your new shared life are easier and happier. ??

Speaking as one who permanently benefits from therapy. And who may Zoom it forever. I no longer believe I'll ever be rid of all my early wounds, and a happier life is about accepting there will always be vulnerable places (and some triggers). So, I commit to healing all I can--which can be a LOT, protecting the rest, and continuing to grow.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Funny you should mention the life-long need to deal with those issues, Hops. I had a similar thought, rereading my post searching for the inevitable typos.

Right or wrong, my choice about that is to simply accept that I have old injuries - like my rediculous ankle - that flare up from time to time. I choose to try to live with it. Because I don't think it can be "fixed" or will every go completely away - no matter how good I get at recognizing the signs. How much practice I have. Truth be told, I'm a tad proud of my scars. (Go figure.) Those old injuries are now part of my character - the story of "how I got to be this way" - like some people do with tattoos.

Most of the time, those old wounds only bother me because I can manage them, most of the time; I know what works - most of the time. And I've chosen to bear those myself without looking for someone to "take it out on". I am conscientious - again, most of the time - about not spreading that negative crap around. But we is all humanz.

And my priorities were amiss, my expectations too high (from Buck), communication too terse, by putting myself completely at the bottom of the list during the holiday. It's a CHANGE that this year, Hol & S are in the hut; doing their thing for the holiday. I wasn't excluded and invited more often than I accepted. But hey - that's all part of what went wrong. LOL. And while - by now - I should've seen this coming; I just didn't.

No permanent damage done; just more bumps & bruises. Un-necessary ones; but life happens.