Farm Doin's - 2020

[Twoapenny]

Oh Skep, I'm really sorry to read that you've crashed a bit.  So much going on for you and you've had a lot of stress to deal with for such a long time now (often other people's!  Such is life).  And now poor kitty as well.  Second opinion sounds like a good idea.  I'm no expert but I've seen so many pets adapt to whatever injuries or difficulties they have so I hope someone else can suggest something more positive.  Would dearly love to be there just now to make you cups of tea, run errands and keep you tucked up on the sofa watching films and giving yourself some much needed TLC.  I hope you're able to go at a bit of a slower pace for a while and let everything catch up and settle down again xx

[sKePTiKal]

It'll be OK Tupp; it always is.

[lighter]

Rest ((((Amber))))
Cry when it comes up...just let it all come out without stopping it.

It's going to be ok.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

3 early mornings this week, no downtime... move move move.

Maybe "downtime" is uptime.
The chance to float, to rest, to let yourself lift on the currents of what YOUR life force wants you to do. Nobody's else's.

Comfort here for you. Any time.

Big hugs, chamomile, quiet, stillness and peace--

Hops

[sKePTiKal]

4th early morning; only open time orthopedic vet could see Stinker yet this week is 10 this morning. One, maybe two days of sleep schedule adjustment I can handle - not this many. My whole being rebels.

Didn't help that Hol kept picking at me - to the point of implying that I was selfish - for not running myself into the ground to try to help the poor little kitten that can't help himself. Great teaching moment, though - I think she heard me, when I said if I don't take care of myself FIRST I can't take care of kitten... and being badgered about it, was counterproductive. The words that came out of my mouth weren't so tactful. Told her to back off; she wasn't helping me get past feeling overwhelmed by constantly pushing me to do - in that very moment - the opposite of what I needed to do. And barely taking a breath before she presented yet another reason or option or personal opinion about me simply not being ABLE to step up and do exactly what she would do - and suffer no ill effects. She goes non-stop when she's "on a mission".

Last night's sleep was better. Going over the mountain this morning was NOT on my agenda and I'm missing all the decent weather to take care of some things that need doing here - not to mention the baking. But Stinker has been super-cuddly; I think the medicine is helping. But the virus protocols bother me; I don't like not being in the exam room with him - because I see things the Doc doesn't see about kitty's reactions.

This is mostly about having my schedule - and my sense of autonomy - completely blown to hell, as I'm at the mercy of the vet's schedules. Just like Mike's dr. appts... plus covid protocols... plus being in the mindset to accomplish OTHER kinds of things... plus missing B... plus just the dumb holiday pressure crap -- which yet again, is so completely disupted from "normal" it just doesn't feel anything close to "right".

Shopping this year, has been all online - and I'm fighting items being backordered; and not finding out until after I've checked out... and shipping mixups - not just with my change of address, but the mail in general. Everyone I know is purging their home... so what to buy that isn't going to be just taking up more space?? Yes, I got creative... to get around that. I still haven't cut any greens yet.

Both jeeps needed minor work & inspections this month... and Hol is transferring her old jeep to me to register as a farm use vehicle - and that's waiting till next week. Then there's the financial stuff, business, etc. Most importantly - I get into "fight mode" when other people attempt to impose what they believe my priorities, and therefore my schedule should be. Mind yer own damn business, and I'll mind mine. 

So, exhaustion. Thankfully - it doesn't seem like anyone feels the need to travel & get together this year. That would send me right over the edge; B already has his hands full trying to keep me grounded - even though he's just as busy. He's tolerant of my long silences - because I've been in the car so much and I just can't talk/text and drive at the same time. For some reason it's easier if someone is sitting next to me, but the technology crap shuts down my driving response. So I just don't do it in the car.

And to top it off - she was trying to tell me her way of overcoming my feeling exhausted and overwhelmed with "too much at once"...... LOLOLOLOLOLOL..... as if ANYONE could do the same to her and she wouldn't just throw something and walk away. I don't need anyone to manage my feelings, thank ye just the same. I just need the time/space to do it myself. Jeezeeeee Louise.

I think she's bored. But she rejected my offers to come with me on some of these excursions. She has to stop 3-4 places and take her time looking at things while I just go get what I want and get home again. And that's just perfectly FINE... we be different. And she's free to do as she likes; I only want the same.

[sKePTiKal]

I just sent this to Hol; she identifies strongly with being an empath. But as described above - she dives across the co-dependent line (just as I do) a little more than she should. Puts on the super-hero cape, ya know? It's very helpful to hear the descriptions of both compared, explained, and what the healthier options are.

It's just very very clear, heard this way.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v_gW-u3CB8I

[Hopalong]

Fantasy script:

A feels overwhelmed with too much to do. Shares that with H.

H has choices
1) Mom, you're incompetent and clearly ready for a nursing home.
2) I've got time, how about letting me take Stinker in for his checkup?

Is Hol able to drive? If so, be nice if you were able to delegate something like a vet visit. Surely she's competent to bring you a clear summary.

I'm trying to figure out if maybe an Amber-has-to-do-everything-herself mood is in play? Or if it's that there are other reasons it doesn't feel right to delegate a Stinker vet visit to anyone else.

I'm also figuring out that the interpersonal tensions are way more complex and nuanced than I'm getting, which makes sense. So guessing it might also be intrapersonal is just that, a guess. Feel free to toss my thoughts or tell me to stop over-interpreting That Which I Do Not Completely Understand!

I'm just really sorry you're feeling this way, Amber. I hope soon the stress will reduce and you can relax. All the ordering and worrying about this equipment or that tool, etc. sounds really tiring to me too. Toss in holidays and a pandemic....

Big hugs, more chamomile, more opting out of That Which is Not Essential....
Hops

[lighter]

I watched twice, Amber.  Great message.  Thanks for posting it.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

I liked it too.

Having a quiet day. Watching the Hobbit.

Hops - Hol did offer to drive kitty. But time & effort wasn't the main issue. It was her trying to make the decisions about my kitty... and the prioritization of kitty's needs over human needs. All I really needed was a few hours of peace & quiet instead of having an argument thrown at me every 5 minutes. And I couldn't just ignore her; she'd show up and continue making her case. Sigh.

We worked it out. All is well. She is very much like her dog - a pitbull - when she thinks a little too much of her "right" to step across boundaries and there is a poor defenseless creature who isn't being tended to her standards. Stinker isn't in pain; and he's even getting around OK. I opted for more information, better imaging and a second opinion from the orthopedic surgeon vet. They'll send me an estimate for surgery - which apparently is quite pricey, and doesn't guarantee he won't reinjure it later doing something else he shouldn't. He is saying the surgery isn't absolutely necessary - but Stinker will probably be more of a house cat, than outside cat. And always limp.

His point was many people in the world don't have access or money for adequate healthcare; and to spend so much on a cat - even one as sweet as Stinker - is an odd ordering of priority. No mention of having to put the cat down by Dr. Morales either. Stinker wasn't going to go outside till spring anyway.

Now there's a chance of a decent snow mid-week. Things should be real quiet then. 

[Hopalong]

 I understand, Amber, that makes sense.

If Stinky isn't in pain I'd be content with a mild limp and indoor life.
If $$ doesn't permit more extensive treatment.

Much as I am in love with pets, I've always felt I'd never give
them chemo, for example. Rather a gentle appointment for a gentle exit.

I'd also not like anyone else, family or not, telling me what to do with a pet I love and have accepted responsibility for. I'm sure you'd never let Stinks suffer.

(I do get the picture about Hol's pushing. My D gave me a great deal of grief about my final appointment for our previous dog, whom I loved deeply. She just didn't want her to go and I, who had observed B-dog closely day in and out for years, knew the joy of life had left her and she was dealing with both chronic pain and incontinence. She 'told me' she was ready. In fact, another time I'd even do it somewhat sooner.)

hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Well Skep, my kitty means as much to me as any human (in fact she means more than most humans do to me!) so I completely understand getting different opinions, accepting a 'less than perfect but still very nice life' option if that becomes the best one available and spending as much money as is available if that's needed.  I have spent a small fortune on my cat over the years but it's what's kept her healthy so it's money well spent.  I was watching an animal rescue programme yesterday (I am a sucker for those rescue shows) and two cats had legs amputated after accidents and both were whizzing around on three legs without a care in the world.  So I don't imagine a pain free limp is going to hold Stinky back much in the future.  It sounds like you're doing the sensible, rational thing to me.  Maybe you need a number code to get in the front door that you can change when you need a bit of peace and quiet   Lol xx

[sKePTiKal]

Tupp - that's funny about the doors, 'coz those are the locks on the Hut. She has a key to my place - a precaution that's sensible. But out here, we don't lock the doors. Yet. Don't have to.

Yes, I think a reasonable amount of care & repair for pets - especially for pain relief - is essential. But I'm not going to spend more for more care for an animal than many humans get. This surgery can cost a grand or so. And then, there's the really long recovery period which will make eating & kittybox a challenge to say the least - AND hurt more.

The first vet jumped to the extreme worst-case scenario - and according to the surgeon, a lot of the potential consequences apply more to dogs than cats. But since I knew kitty wasn't in pain it shocked & scared me to hear all that. So I declined his referral to his preferred surgeon - who he said was only in Winchester a couple days a week anyway - and called another one of my choosing. And when Hol heard the worst-case - she immediately jumped to: must save kitty at all costs mode. Her anxiety has been just a tad intense lately (virus stuff).

That's where her lawyerly argumentative characteristic comes from too. She only pauses long enough to breathe and find another angle to a) guilt someone into doing what she thinks is the correct thing to do and b) appeal to reason using all the available logical consequences of each choice -- in a biographical, footnoted exhaustive fashion. Anxiety and competitiveness (I will be the MOST comprehensively caring person EVAH) contribute to this. I know this about her, not a surprise. And sometimes it's actually a good characteristic. It has it's uses.

I was juggling way more that week than I normally have to - and deadlines were involved too. So her coming at me, that way, wasn't helpful to ME. And she simply didn't want to hear about my feelings - or acknowledge them as "the right feelings" for the situation. Previously, my fight/flight reflex would've reacted as if she were a threat. I could see it start to build... so that's why I told her to back off. It's a little raw; but it's direct and a warning about a boundary. And she doesn't take stuff like that personally. We can say worse than that to each other w/o repercussions or spiraling. Situationally dependent of course.

Stinker knew; and gave me some cuddle time right then... and in 5-10 minutes the whole overwhelm state had passed. Hol & I parsed the whole interaction later. I think she finally "saw" how her doing what she fully believes is the right thing to do - goading someone else into her way of thinking/action-oriented response, at whatever cost to oneself - isn't always the best tack to take. She even linked it to the origin of this behavior. So it really did turn out to be a teaching moment... and she'll be more intentional about when to apply that in the future. That behavior is why a lot of people label her as "intense". And while it has it's place - it's not a universally applicable interpersonal strategy.

And I think we uncovered another layer on her deeper anxiety too. For the first time, she grieved over some of her personal life choices and just really WAS the feeling. As cerebral as I am -- she puts me to shame. But I've learned how to let myself just FEEL my feeling till it passes. She's just beginning. I think it'll help her some. I know it relieved a lot of internal pressure that she was trying to keep contained with logic and rationality.

I'm going to try to appeal to her need to physically work today - there are a few things we have to do in preparation if there really is going to be upwards of a foot of snow here next week.

[sKePTiKal]

PS - I'm actually feeling much better now. Like I said - everything passes. None of this is earth-shatteringly devastating either. Just daily, run o' the mill variations.

And I know why-fore it seems every day it's someone else's turn. So trying to maintain constancy as I can. 

[Hopalong]

Glad it's lifting, (((((Amber))))).

Imo, it's good that you honored and articulated your UNhappy feelings while they were surging. For me, doing that is half the reason things can pass and change.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Back to Kitchen Wench mode (and we're all ready for a foot of snow - so now we probably won't get it; note to self: look for snowshoes). Just need to clean woodstove and split some kindling again.

Today's confection - Chocolate dipped coconut macaroons. I want to make a quick batch of fudge and dark chocolate sea salt caramels... then leave everything else to Christmas week. Pistachio shortbread, mixed nut chocolate covered toffee... etc. Whatever I feel up for. Of course, I wanted to make "everything" - including the homemade marshmallows. Backing off; spreading it out; it's gonna be a long winter.