Conversations

[Meh]

So a friend described to me how she often feels like the "bad guy" during conversations with her mother. She hasn't identified her mother as Narcissistic. There is definitely something off about their relationship though.

Today I had a not so great conversation with my mother and when I think about it no matter how the situation goes I always feel bad in some way. It feels like she sets up lose-lose situations. I feel bad regardless of what happens. I see how she pushes me around, she sounds shrill and louder and talks in this irritating whiny voice.

I don't like being dragged into it, I refused to get into it with her. I pointed out that she doesn't speak to her sister or her neighbors the way she talks to me. When I point this out she says nothing about it. She definitely doesn't want to hear it.

These conversations with her do give me a certain level of stress. It's nothing new. Nope definitely not new. It's just that every time I feel I need to write it out or something. There is always these need afterwards to get back to equilibrium, to really manage the anxiety of the experience. There is always this need to not be beaten down emotionally.

She is on some sort of antidepressant medication her husband can't even stand her when she hasn't taken it. She is rather nasty when she hasn't taken it but I don't think it's really an issue of depression in the common definition of it.

I don't want to psychoanalyze this. I'm just writing this in an attempt to de-stress. I feel frazzled and de-railed from whatever I was doing after speaking with her.

Tonight I guess I should call a friend just for a change of pace.

[Hopalong]

Oh wow, I feel for you, G.

Especially when I read this:

I see how she pushes me around, she sounds shrill and louder and talks in this irritating whiny voice.

I can't help it, but I can't overlook voice quality. It genuinely affects my capacity to take in whatever the person is trying to convey....because if they have a teakettle, blackboard fingernails, or whiny piccolo tone....

I just want to do a little homicide. It's biological for me. It's intense. It makes me tense ALL OVER.

Recently I discovered that a reasonably nice woman in my covenant group is SO much more interesting on Zoom, because her naturally awful vocal tone gets diluted somehow.

If it were a parent? Who was already unsympathetic and guilt-tripping? I'd be in Idaho.

Don't know the solution but just want to send you solidarity on this. It's weird but REAL.

hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

G, I understand the need to vent and get back to normal afterwards, I think it's almost like a debrief?  You kind of have to connect with normal again to process everything that just happened even if it doesn't make any sense.  I always had the same thing when I spoke with or met up with my mum.  It was as if she couldn't be satisfied until she'd made me feel bad.  She'd push and poke and prod and I'd ignore or change the subject or stay calm whilst talking - and eventually she'd hit the spot.  I remember quite clearly talking to her on the phone one morning and by the afternoon I felt so bad I knew that if I described my feelings to a doctor, they'd say I was suffering from depression.  But I'd been absolutely fine before speaking to my mum and for the week or so prior to that.  The less frequently I spoke to her the more I could notice the effect she had on me.  So I do understand where you're coming from.  And yes, especially the voice!  My mum used to do this thing where if I talked about anything in my like that wasn't going well she'd do this kind of sing song, "Oh no!  Oh no!" over and over again - the way a child might respond to an unpleasant situation.  It used to drive me nuts and the one time I told her I was explaining the situation because I was hoping she might be able to empathise or advise me she replied that no-one had ever empathised with her and I'd just have to get used to it.

I do think in a weird way that not feeling good after you speak is a good sign - it shows you're not on the same wavelength and I don't think that is a wave length you'd want to be on.  But I do remember how much it used to upset me.  I hope writing it down helped a bit and that you were/are able to connect with a friend on the phone as well and that you can get back to how you felt before xx

[Hopalong]

she'd do this kind of sing song, "Oh no!  Oh no!" over and over again - the way a child might respond to an unpleasant situation.  It used to drive me nuts and the one time I told her I was explaining the situation because I was hoping she might be able to empathise or advise me she replied that no-one had ever empathised with her and I'd just have to get used to it.

Allow me to share my primal, deep from the roots of earth, guttural, heartfelt, body-felt, brain-felt, incredibly loud, granite-cracking

UGH!

hugs,
Hops

[Twoapenny]

she'd do this kind of sing song, "Oh no!  Oh no!" over and over again - the way a child might respond to an unpleasant situation.  It used to drive me nuts and the one time I told her I was explaining the situation because I was hoping she might be able to empathise or advise me she replied that no-one had ever empathised with her and I'd just have to get used to it.

Allow me to share my primal, deep from the roots of earth, guttural, heartfelt, body-felt, brain-felt, incredibly loud, granite-cracking

UGH!

hugs,
Hops

Lol, Hops, yes, I feel the same! xx

[Meh]

Just sitting on a sofa drinking a beer while listening to some ambient music and a space heater with a wobbly fan blade.

No new conversations to report but I will leave the Subject as such. Conversations are sort of all we have when distancing and I've called a couple old coworker friends this past week. Conversations are like a tonic sometimes for everybody. We like them, we need them. Is it because we get to talk about ourselves or out of boredom. Sometimes it's unknown... really I think people do need to connect, I'm always thinking about the selfish ulterior motive in everything but really I think people just need to know they are still in that web of humanity and that is why we talk.

Saw a slithering garden snake today and some dental work fell out of my mouth (of course it would now) but without pain so it's no emergency. Other than that the day was uneventful.

[Hopalong]

I think people just need to know they are still in that web of humanity and that is why we talk.

And that's why we post, too!

Sorry about the dental glitch, G. Hope you can soon get it fixed. I figure doctor's offices should be among the cleanest places to go....

Good to hear you sounding peaceful.

hugs
Hops

[Meh]

Noticing how I seem to have a generalized anxiety issue. It's just so easy for me to go into anxiety and outside factors don't help much. I'm tired of stress and anxiety, in a way it's not fair to feel bad all the time. Not that anything is fair. Though when a person has anxiety it just becomes a normal norm. Normal norm. The typical.

It just doesn't help much it makes life unpleasant. Anxiety sort of branches out in life and effects moments throughout the day. I'm so wired towards anxiety, definitely my brain has just had a lot of practice on that subject. I always jump into a nature versus nurture moment. Doesn't matter where it came from I simply don't want all the stress anymore. But I guess the problem is we don't control everything in life it's really not possible to cut it out.

Blabbering.

[Hopalong]

No blabbering in my book, G.
I think you're very descriptive about anxiety and how it feels.

I was tortured by anxiety disorder for a couple decades. It got sooooo much better in time, so chin up....same time, I can imagine what the pandemic does. Like pouring gasoline on a fire.

Hope you find some calming ways to cope.

Hops

[Meh]

Yeah Hops anxiety does come and go but then it always does seem to come back again eventually like a theme song.

[Meh]

Well now that I chatted with a friend I've come to think that perhaps this isn't just GAD or pandemic induced anxiety and depression but instead it might actually be mid life crisis malaise (HAHAHAHA) because things are fucked enough already. I'm thinking maybe I should write something about but I don't feel too strongly on writing about the topic. Just now watching Tedtalk videos about the subject that are all hosted by highly accomplished people and pretty much just saying how great they are. So what am I doing. Am I bored. Am I stressed... who knows what's going on anymore. We are inside and not going to places without worry.

What if all these important things are happening in life AND it's all just getting ignored. What if we are turning our own TV's off but we are the TV and we refuse to listen to ourselves...

[Meh]

Occasionally I come here and I write random things. This morning I wanted to yank the covers up and stay in bed, half because I stay up too late (listening to music) and half because I don't want to face life stuff as it just lacks excitement and positive emotions and feelings I guess. So this leads me back to that good old self care idea. The basics of it. Exercise even in it's mild forms I think is part of that self care. Exercise never seems urgent or essential to me personally. Exercise is an extra add on of a thing that is good to do, if I go for a walk but don't get my heart rate up I say to myself well I went for a walk. It's been since high school since I've taken my heart rate. So of course I googled the heart rate numbers because I had no recollection in the faintest of what it should be. I jogged a little bit in place for a while under the porch area in the rain semi sheltered. Without too much strain I was able to get my heart rate up. When I do it I enjoy exercising, I tell myself yes I really can do this more often. Maybe not on a daily basis in all circumstances because it sort of depends on where you are at right. Though for now really I can do it. My feet get more sore than they used to when I was younger and I figure that is probably part of losing collagen which seems like it buffered everything when people are young.

Daily there is always a list of priorities and non priority things to do. Sometimes maybe it's good to pay attention to how I am spending time and if it's either on a priority or non priority. I don't watch a lot of TV but all i have to do is log into Skype or Facebook for a few minutes to see if anything important or interesting is happening and then I can waste too much time doing that. Facebook I find is a wasteland. I've got at least a couple friends who use Skype and it's probably worth virtual conversing with them because they are pretty smart and in the process of chatting with them sometimes I discover new things or think about something differently.

Even when one has time it can still feel like there isn't enough time. I wonder where this comes from. If it comes from not getting stuff done fast enough. Not getting enough stuff done with drastic results. If time drags on during this situation. If there really is low energy and depression. -- Even when there is a lot of time it can feel like I am still skimming the surface of my life. Some of this I think comes down to distractions and the amount of effort it takes me to focus on any one thing. I would venture to say that this time has been meaningful for everyone. Meaningful because we get to spend some time with ourselves noticing how we live, what we think. Meaningful because we also have this future world to inhabit and some anxiety for me at least between exposure risk and doing errands/tasks/making a living.

There is a lot of discouragement and frustration that I notice in myself even as an adult. Maybe it's a result of how my mind habitually works. Definitely I get annoyed with myself because I wish my mind was more keyed in and focused at times. I check out. Some of it could be due to boredom, I don't often acknowledge boredom to myself in fact I have a very hard time knowing when I am bored.

[Twoapenny]

The skimming through life thing resonates with me, G, I often feel like I'm just kind of treading water and getting through the day.  No idea what the answer to that is, I wish I did!  I think boredom can be such a big part of life that it just becomes normal.  Having to settle, maybe?  Not getting what you want, maybe not even knowing what you want because the opportunities to figure it out don't come along?  Hard to know.  I hear ya xx

[Hopalong]

I'm not on Facebook, G, but I can really relate to the idea of slipping down endless rabbit holes on the internet. It's a true time sink for me, but also soothes my own anxiety.

Lack of focus is the key feature of ADD, which is my biggest challenge. I think with enough motivation I can power through that, or I often did when I was younger. And I was always able to work hard to earn my living. That said, on my own now and without the pressure to turn up at a job every day, that spacey side is ruling.

I'm arguing with it some. My most recent answer I described on another thread, but it was cutting loose with silly self talk, to get myself going through a tedious task.

I wonder if you might be depressed, as in chemically? Have you ever been prescribed antidepressants? A lot of docs are doing telemedicine now.... just a thought from NOT-a-doctor Hops.

I hope some light comes in for you soon.

Hugs
Hops

[Meh]

I read you: Two and Hops.

Hops: If you have focusing challenges/ADD then how is it that you are such a good writer? It's just curiosity on my part. Does the focus problem have any impact on your writing at all?

Sometimes my thinking is so disorganized or maybe even comes to me in a clump that my writing doesn't feel organized sometimes. I also wonder if my thoughts have devolved into lazy, messy, anxious thinking.

Anyways I don't have time to properly respond to the two of you. All of a sudden it randomly occurred to me that I had not been here for a while and I should at least say a minimal 'hello' to the board.

Yeah I have been diagnosed with depression at times and anxiety, I took pills for it long ago. After years of not taking anything I live with the ups and downs. I suspect that something more than chemistry is underneath it all. I have evidence too not just suspicions. I don't subscribe to fixing everything with pills anymore because they often don't fix anything. I do get something out of writing here, even if some of it sounds constantly down which I guess I am sorry for if it does. There is usually one key idea or line which I can end up putting in bold - an idea that holds a lot of weight for me.

Even when there is a lot of time it can feel like I am still skimming the surface of my life.

This above stood out for me for two reasons. Believing that I would do something if only I had more time is a false belief. So if time isn't the catalyst we often give it credit for then what is the catalyst? Also, skimming the surface of my life - well it's a fucking deep thing to notice and I'm pretty sure many people at some point can feel like this. I'm slowly toying with the significance and meaning of that idea. Maybe I will give myself all summer to work on that one line there.

Anyhow, talk about focusing. I need to toggle back over to where I was. The maniacal part of working on a computer is that it's a portal to the universe. Hiya people out there in the universe.