No Subject

[Meh]

Because one is taught to be quiet and feel shame, shame generates more and more shame. Shame of not being acceptable, shame that others can not see an only makes a person "weird" and incomprehensible.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/peaceful-parenting/201811/why-do-break-ups-hurt

Parental attachment style, the pain that keeps on giving. My personality really is a toxic waste dump. One does become a type of social leftover but with too much awareness to blissfully forget it. I just have to write it; I don't want words of encouragement. I write things sometimes for just some self-awareness, to acknowledge the self, to have "a voice," and to have a personal reckoning and expression that basically says "yah, the painful stuff it's deep, it's there, it's part of you, it forms your personality, it's not going away, it does define you." I don't want to be alleviated; I just want to understand and get through the days. To accept all the emotional deformities that society rejects, the broken and hidden self.

[lighter]

To accept all......

Yes.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

I hear you, G.

I am grateful you're here.

Hops

[Hopalong]

G,
This article on "toxic positivity" made me think of your post.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/wellness/toxic-positivity-mental-health-covid/2020/08/19/5dff8d16-e0c8-11ea-8181-606e603bb1c4_story.html

Hops

[Hopalong]

And, something I also recommend:

Bright-Sided: How Positive Thinking is Undermining America
 by Barbara Ehrenreich

(Same author who wrote Nickel and Dimed after working at a soulless job for minimum wage.) She's very intelligent and a goooooood writer.

Hops

[sKePTiKal]

A pox on toxic positivity!!

And all the other fake "feelings" that are only intended control people's authentic emotions.

P-tooie...

[Meh]

Must work on my computer, resisting it. Every minute and hour I procrastinate the worse I am making it on myself. I need to do the right thing for myself in this moment here where I am and that means getting some work done today. Yes today. Yes today today today.

[Hopalong]

Yes.
Fifteen minutes.

Start with that.

You are okay, G.

hugs
Hops

[Hopalong]

Thanks, CB. That book had a big impact on me.

I was about to argue with #3, about purpose.
Because I wanted to say that even those who feel lost and hopeless and have lost purpose are not responsible for their own murders.

That's true.

But then I also tuned into what it said about losing a sense of purpose contributing to mental and physical decay, and I'm living proof. I've been telling Ts for years that "I've lost interest in my own life" .... that's purpose. Now I'm literally losing a ton of muscle from mentally escaping and being physically passive all day long, almost every day. At my age, this level of inactivity and giving up is dangerous.

It worries me intensely but I haven't found a way to re-engage my will. I know that when I was working for the very old folks, I kept up a better diet, more exercise, etc., because someone needed me. But I don't need another job, I need my own job within my own life, and I know what it should be.

My challenge now is to reconnect with a feeling of need for myself, valuing myself enough to write. My novel, my own poetry. That's the best purpose to keep living I've been blessed with but it's not calling me loudly enough. I do church work and some volunteer stuff and "counsel" close friends who turn to me. But I don't find the courage to clamp on to my own purpose, which I know is my own creative writing.

Back to YouTube...I'm disappointed in myself but guilt trips don't fix it either. I hope in contemplation I'll tap into something deeper within me. Talking about it with T. I know it started when I lost my D. But going backward to relive that won't help. I need instead to ask myself if I still matter, now that I'm no longer a viable mother.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

First of all, re: the OP - I can definitely relate to the need to validate yourself, just the way you are - warts & all - and learn to accept it for what it is. Jounaling helps some; but it's almost better to put it somewhere like this and allow other people to provide input, feedback, their perspective - what they see in you - TOO. For me, that allows me to ask if I'm being unfair to myself in my judgement of myself... and start to work at uncovering the why, and figuring out what if anything I can do about it.

And briefly - HOPS, it's not fair to say to yourself, you're not a viable mother. You are. Whether your child, or some other, is in your sphere or NOT. (And the why they're not doesn't matter in your case. You tried your best. She didn't want it.) Maternal instinct is within you and not going anywhere.

<insert Kermit meme: And that's all I think about that.>

[Hopalong]

Thanks, ((((Amber)))). The maternal instinct is alive in me, mostly enacted on Pooch, who quite likes being my reason for living!

I think another way to go after it is to ponder how I could connect with a desire to be my own mother. What would I do to show my inner child/creative/yearning self that life is rich and my talent is lovely and opportunities for joy come again as sure as the sun will rise.

(((((CB)))))) I don't have direct answers to those questions but I love the permission and the expansiveness and the encouragement. Thank you so much, for that invitation to just love myself and accept myself and celebrate whatever I want to. That might in an indirect way clear the emotional path.

I'll have a lot that's more constructive to bring up with my T in a couple days.

Grateful hugs to you both!

Hops

[bean2]

G,
I read what you wrote last night, but then my internet went down before I could reply (at least I could not watch any of the Republican National Convention!).

i just want to say I heard you and what you said really resonates with me.  You pretty much described me as a child, "quiet" and "with shame."  This stuff is hard to escape, sometimes I catch myself back in the old place as well except now I'm an adult and not quite so forgiving of myself.  I will probably read what you wrote a few more times this week, I really think what you're saying is important.

(((((((G)))))))

bean

[Meh]

Today we have the second worst air quality index in the world at the moment's it's surpassed San Francisco. Or actually we have moved up to number one, yeah we win. So worse than China or India. Luckily it's anticipated to improve in next few days but who knows it's the weather. So I'm inside WITH a legit mask on that I've stored for many months and never though I would use it, looks like a diaper on my face and wearing earplugs and trying to just concentrate and the boring stuff I need to do. It's not boring though why am I having concentration issues... I think it's the overwhelm of a too long to-do list. But doing it slowly.

I'm lonely out of my mind, the more I think about it the worse I seem to make it. So if only. If only I could stop thinking about it. I feel like I just need to get through this month you know. Not get too behind on work. Limp along.

It's better to limp along than to lay down prostrated in the middle of the road giving up, so just keep working on whatever it is one must do I guess.

[Hopalong]

Yes, limp. Keep on limping, G. It's still perambulation.

I hurt myself again recently in a fall and today really HAD to hustle (not too fast) to get some things done and then in the car go several places, none of which I'd done in weeks. (Bending, getting up and down, twisting low to get in the car and torqueing back out.) Then sat in a too-low chair visiting a pal with the blues for a few hours. Details don't matter but the upshot was/is some pain marching around my musculo-skeletal systhem.

Since I had to keep going (which you're dealing with too, on your own), when I was hobbling around tonight doing laundry, I noticed things hurting and just stayed calm, and thought about people 15 years older than myself (that'd be 85) who live alone still and have that sort of pain ALL the time, not just sometimes, and who, UNLIKE ME BUT MORE LIKE YOU!, keep getting up and making their beds and cooking some oats or eggs and going off faithfully for their slow morning walk...and just enduring loneliness I can't even describe. Sometimes I've faced it and sort of felt as though I pushed through it to a real and un-gauzy new place, but mostly these years it doesn't get as bad as despair. Just some painful days.

Thinking about those "invisible elders" around me and having just had some good company today, I felt grateful. And, what I wanted to tell you about G, was I honest to gawd think my recent mood lifting has something to do with ashwagandha. It's the first new medicinal thing I've been putting into my body morning and night for a long time and my mood/loneliness/depression moments are easier to flow past with than they've been in a long time.

I'm so very sorry you are feeling that aching hurt of loneliness. I have been there many times in 70 years and hope you will find it softens and passes. Life force brings you back.

If I were there I'd put a mask on you and drag you to a nice patch of grass and pull out a very good cold microbrew for you.

hugs
Hops

[Meh]

haha thanks Hops, I mean I just need to say it, whatever is going on sometimes I just need to say it is all

The chronic pain is though Hops, it think it can make a person grumpy u know. It's a good point though you make about still doing stuff because doing LESS too often makes matters worse. Healing is often slow.

I think if someone is down there is an impulse to keep it to oneself. It is difficult to tell everyone around you many people don't take it well and it leads to uncomfortable and bad conversations so I guess I reserve it for some anonymous post here.

Anyhow I did get drunk last night I think due to too much stress building up. I'm sure the stress and depression and anxiety and pressure on oneself all gob into an emotional ball together. Not to worry I haven't had beer for a couple of months. I'm infrequent but when I do it, I do it. Anyhow.

Here we are:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mH6Spfsntjc


I've got asthma so I should be freaking out but I'm not. The thing is it makes my throat sore more than it hurts my lungs. Also there are no filters on this house where I am at it's just open vent style, old house. Anyhow doesn't matter. I've got so much work to do. If I really want I can stick the diaper mask back on my face although it's very humid inside that mask.