I've had 2 T appointments and will jump straight into this morning 's.
T asked me to ask"the do'er" part to sit in waiting room so I could be present and curious about the "vertigo firefighter" part. The "do'er" is the one who readied the lake house on her own, juggled new furnace attempted repair then replacement, the soot, the regular readying/work AND dead mouse I couldn't look for without the world spinning completely out of control.....like the morning vertigo began. Wheeeeee!
The "do'er" moved to the waiting room, willing only now, bc she got the Thanksgiving lake rental on track. It felt like circles and circles of work, getting smaller and tighter and completed through intuition....certainly not through executive function and organization.
I noticed a lifelong pattern of putting others first.
For instance, when we had Hurricane refugees at lake, I committed to having the dad guy and his DD for Thanksgiving......bc he's lonely. My firefighter"do'er/fixer solved that problem, but created 5.....for my DD22, who dislikes him. For myself, who is uncomfortable with his attraction to me AND his need to be liked solely for himself.....he doesn't want to spend any of his huge inheritance, bc ......his wounded and protective "parts" neeed to know his money isn't the attraction. Once he asked me if he was pulling his weight in our friendship and I reacted with YES, just to avoid the conversation. I didn't help either of us.
He doesn't realize how always giving less, not handling his fair share burdens others who would enjoy him more, but for the restrictions and imperatives he imparts on relationships.
In fact, I've been NC with him, but for one short text. He could be a bright spot, but he's a heavy burden to carry and why don't I speak more truth to him? He holds it against me, as I've been good enough friend to gift my truth to him.
He sent a 6'4" schizophrenic after me, when I rebuffed his stated romantic intentions. He laughed when I told him how horrible it was that he DID that aaaaand we're back to my Vertigo part being done with my she has...zero tolerance and requirement I set boundaries, state consequences and get that shite done and dusted sans any energy wasted on angst,bringing if hands or gnashing if teeth.....needing things to be different. It was so clear. I see it, but through many pov. All my parts need tending and my presence.
Sad news this morning is....dd24's roommate was invited by her father for TG, but when she asked for clarity ....he didn't extend the invitation. He wanted me to do and make and give and handle TG, but I can't do that. I won't. DD's roommate is sad and perhaps crying, and I care about her. I just can't afford to care to the detriment of my friends emotional and physical safety. Not anymore. Not again.
And that clarity comes and goes, just as it's strengthened and becoming an imperative, if only a thready thing, during tough times. It's here. Inside me. Anchoring me.
It's a desire and needful prayer I'm working to internalize and strengthen......
and vertigo will come to trust me on that.
Back to the T session.....
Vertigo was on my head this morning, when I checked in with her....she was focusing hard on me.......focused on my altering the imperatives I live by.......she requires presence, discernment be allotted to her/me/all my parts. To be priority. Without fail.
All the parts......are me, btw.
The vertigo is a part I sent.
Being present with them, instead of dismissing or wishing them away, is what they want.
This is the shorthand, but pretty much how appt. Went.
Vertigo moved from my head to my R side when I asked her to work with me, alongside, instead of against me. I assume her intentions are good, note them, express gratitude for her and all parts.
When I asked Vertigo if there was anything she wants to give up to the light/fire/water, etc......Vertigo sent fear of my failing health into the light and was absorbed, leaving only tendrils of herself.
Mission, now,is .....to be present. Ask what I need before committing to anything.
I'm not saying vertigo is completely gone. Feels more like fogginess. Not a solid thing ruling vision, balance and place in space.
More like...... tendrils. No longer inside my body. Maybe......acting on my person, but very faintly. From a distance.
Lighter
PS. To get back inside my body I locate and focus on the light inside my body.....always chest area.....solar plexus....focus on what's around me, peripheral vision. I gave myself 2 weeks to work on this before next T appointment.
