DD18 seeing nutritional response practitioner (NRP)

[lighter]

I am profoundly grateful for every response. 

Yesterday was recovery from travel in tandem with prepping 3 rooms for carpet removal and demolition.

And more travel.

I read your response, CB, while pumping gas in SC.  There's still no gas in Asheville.  DD20 won't have gas enough to get to work tomorrow if something doesn't open up.

I finished reading responses just now and....again.....I have such gratitude.  There are no words to express the depth of validation and compassion I feel.

I'll take a break later and re read.  You've all said things, in your own ways.....  It helps me find perspective and calm.

Lighter

[lighter]

Once we got home.....I can't remember what day that was....Sunday?  Yes. Sunday. We settled in to the house and it was a balm to all or our souls. 

Youngest had huge burst of energy... she went straight to her room and began editing an organizing. 

Oldest  DD sought out time with me.  She asked me to sleep in her bed with her when she was feeling ill from the J&J vaccine.  I was happy to.  Baby girl pug stayed in her bed, on the floor.... no whining.  Everyone slept well.

I pulled myself out of the girls' problems and focused on myself, my jobs, my priorities.... it's difficult to switch away from the girls as priorities.  I see that now. I see I'm not doing anyone any favors.  It's time to let them grow up while expressing confidence in their ability to handle whatever comes their way. 

After suggesting DD18 research a select an eating disorder T, she came to me a day later and said she'd been very busy doing just that.   She didn't find anyone, however and talked about the things she finds difficult in the process.  I didn't try to fix it for her. I didn't make any suggetions.  I just repeated back what she said to me and asked her how she was going to figure it out.  She's still figuring and I'm feeling so much better.....now.

Oldest is still making sad choices around food. I keep my mouth closed and focus on other things.  Sometimes I talk about what I'm eating an why.... not often, but that's it.

I have a new tablet and keyboard so I'm finally able to post with more than my right index finger.  Whoo hoo.

DD18 and I met with nuritionist this afternoon.  Both our gallbladders and adrenals are ON.  Our Sympathetic Nervous systems (SNS) are also ON.  She said our stomachs took a hit, and we knew exactly  why.....Thai meal last night.... so darned good.  Nutritionist said our SNS might take a hit too,but maybe not.

All in all, I feel pretty good.More energy. Moving closer to fitting into my amazing jeans... again.  I have to take them back to the tailor and have her sew them back together again. She used them for a pattern...... wasn't at all fruitful. 

I'm not on a mission to lose weight, I realize.  What I am is appalled that  "eating" regular food does so much damage to my bodies ability to function......handle toxins, etc.  I'm gf...... always.  I don't eat much, if any, stupid fast food, yet my system is overwhelmed and taxed and unable to do perform. 

I'm feeling less anger and mourning.  Maybe I'm on the downhill slope.  Things do seem to be easier, I will say that.  Not sure how much is being home after you guys talked me out of my tree last week. 

Maybe my brain has detoxed properly.  I know I  have to eat enough protein and fat to avoid sweet cravings. Salt cravings are usually stress related.  I can add a little pink salt to my water to help that.  I can add some grated apple to meatballs or grapes to chicken salad too...... I really enjoy chicken salad with lots of celery, Primal Kitchen regular mayo and grapes..... red grapes.  I boil 2 chickens for an hour, take them out, pull meat off and slow cook the bones for 24 hours..... just under a simmer.  If I boil them the bones break down and taste of liver, yuck.

I'm feeling less at the mercy of.  The responses you wrote helped that happen.

Lighter

[lighter]

DD18 is on a chocolate kick.  I mean.... dark chocolate.  This child never ever liked chocolate, so it's kind of dsconcerting to watch her eat so much of it.  Chocolate protein crackers, gf...... semi sweet baking chocolate......sugar free dark chocolate... she can't eat the 90%, but she likes everythig under that.

Nutritionis said it's a sign of deficiencies..... magnesium being a common one.  Sure enough, magnesium tested strong so we added that and a good all around vitamin. 

DD is eating every meal, joining in planning, shopping, cooking and general discussions...... she's engaged and on board, in other words.  This means I'm doing really well and focusing on the lake renovation.  I check in with her, but striing a balance concerns me. It takes energy and I'm really enjoying a recent uptick in energy.  It's in my nature to go down rabbit holes, research bathtubs to death, then select the best choice with a decent shipping date, zero yellowing and fewer reviews of product arrriving damaged, etc.  90% research, 10% execution, in all things, if I can swing it.  DD is more important than deep soaker tubs whick are tougher to find than you'd guess and more expensive than they should be, IMO.

Lighter

[lighter]

These sorts of things are so difficult to navigate through but can you imagine how much easier all of your struggles would have been if you'd had someone there to cook you healthy meals, drive you to places, talk through things that were troublesome, give you a hug and tell you that you're amazing, strong, loved, wanted, cherished?  That level of comfort you give to your girls, along with the practical skills and just the investment you're willing to make in them - they may not be fully aware of it at the age they're at but it's setting them in such good stead for the future.  They'll get there, Lighter, it might not be in a linear way, it might not be quick and it might seem a bit inelegant at times but they'll cross that finish line, because they've got you. xx xx

Tupp, thank you for that.  It was really comforting to read.

Lghter

[lighter]

Amber, CB and Hops:

I don't understand the whys of anorexia either, but I do believe it's cultural, mostly.   DD18 seems to believe that too.  It also involves control an feeling unsafe.  No doubt about that, IMO.

CB:  I have such compassion for your struggle with the food and your childrens' mental health struggles.  It feels like the struggle is IN my chest and heart, but it's inside my children.  I'd carry them both, take their medicine and do their work if it would help them.  I know it won't. 

You're right, Hops.... I can't fix it myself.  Running around trying is crazy making.  It makes me less responsive.  I'm trying really hard to gain some distance, breathe and focus on supporting, not fixing.  Dropping delusion so I can see real strategies seems clear....now.  It didn't last week.

Now.... breakfast.  DD18 is having what she refers to as her OCD shower. 

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Lighter, particularly with adult children, I'm coming to the conclusion that while Hol & my's relationship has left the parent-child era, some parts of that are going to linger; it's just built-in. We still do-se-do when one or both of us bump against it.

And most importantly, I've learned that to be of any use to her, while she's sorting out deeper self-issues or adult life challenges, I MUST take care of myself. Including protecting my energy, my head-heart space, and my physical energy. I have to be the best "me" I can be. And a good bit of that for me - is making sure I'm devoting at least an equal amount of energy to my inner work and the people and things I have going in MY life.

She displays the strong, overt "need to be needed" tendency; but she's also aware of it and trying to work through it, mostly on her own. Time apart, as opposed to covid enforced quarantine, is good for us. Making her own money again, is good for her self-respect - though she's immensely grateful I was in a position to financially get her through that year & a half employment drought.  What she was going through when she landed here, was as deep & thorough as a mid-life crisis. She's rethought and refined just about everything she believed about herself. And that process continues - as she's realized that you don't just get to adulthood, and then you're as developed as you're ever going to be and life is perfect. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. She sees that as continuing to grow & learn. Some of her friends, have found this a really unpleasant, disillusioning reality.

It's - most of the time - pretty cool to watch her transform herself. Reversing her judgements & conclusions made in the throes of early adulthood chaos. She's even coming to peace with going from the "maid" stage - skipping "mother" - to "crone". And that transition hasn't been TOO ugly, though I know it was difficult for her. She's not there yet; too full of energy still for accomplishing things. It's just the items on the list have changed.

B and I have talked about this alot too; his D is 19. And he's been the over-protective and restrictive Daddy; making all her decisions for her. I've finally gotten through his instinct to keep her safe and doing the best she can do, to get him to see that creates more vulnerability and sends the message that he's not confident in her ability to take care of herself. Not all kids go through a rebellious stage; it's not in their nature. But he needs to completely let go of her choices - voice his opinion, sure; make suggestions, sure - but let go control. They learn fastest and more permanently if they are allowed to make their own mistakes and learn from them. And even that philosophy isn't right for ALL kids, all the time.

He's doing a lot better with that now.

[Twoapenny]

I'm glad you've got a keyboard, Lighter, I can't imagine typing all of that with one finger!  Bless you.  It is hard to step back from the kids being your priority, especially when you've had so much to cope with on your own as well.  I think we often get into that 'I'll do everything' mode because we have to, but it's hard to know when and where that needs to stop (or reduce), especially when they're still dealing with problems of their own.  I'm glad you're all getting there, in your own ways, doing the things you need to do xx

[lighter]

 Tupp:

Making the kids our priority....that's a touchy one for me and I suspect for you.  We didn't have a choice, for years.  That's why our kids are doing as well as they are..... it had to be that way. I don't think it's possible to explain to people who didn't live that way, or experience it first hand for many years. 

Now..... it's blurred.  I see where self care and proper boundaries are better, more helpful, the right course to take.... now.  Now that I have the time, energy and ability....... and the will to learn how..... the Will to unlearn how I've been living, which is tricky stuff, IME.

Amber:  I suspect you're right about this being tricky stuff, without end, with adult children. 

I just got off the phone with my brother and I noticed the general slide into the past legal troubles, mostly regarding real estate theft and getting screwed by a Trustee purchasing property through a straw man...I thought it was my FILagain, but it wasn't...... I wonder if brother had simply validated it for me, what happened is likely still happening behind closed doors with the good'ol boy system in place (as far as us being denied permits and anything else we rely on the county for) AND my In Laws working against us alwas...... would I, COULD I have risen above it and skipped the spiral?  I feel pretty OK now,but there was mad pacing around the house as we spoke.  I pace madly when I'm holding myself back, not speaking my truth, being marginalized, patted on the head....... and honestly....... the problem is how I handle it.  Not that I'm marginalized or patted on the head.  I know this is true.

I lived the truth.  It's in my bones and nervous system.  I don't have to have the understanding of those who don't get it, though frankly I don't understand how my brother could NOT get it.  He just doesn't. He doesn't live under the same understanding bc he's never been crushed by it, held there, forced to fight through it with both hands tied behind his back, paying SO MUCH MONEY..... he's pretty  much always fought on an even playing field and not been consistently stolen from for years while everyone patted him on the head an TOLD HIM HE NEEDED TO LET IT HAPPEN.... it was good for him. It would end things sooner, even if it really meant 10 or 16 more court battles, sans the ability to use the hard won evidence given up at the last settlement agreement, weakening his ability to fight the next batch of battles, but hey..... it's a great reason to stay OUT of the court system, we both agree.  I had no choice.  I'm not sure he understands that completely.

OK, now I'm back in fight or flight,but I'm noticing it.  Taking stock of it.... how it feels, what it would mean to shift back out again...... and be out from under the weight.

I was holding my breathe...... I have to really focus on breaathing now....... interesting. 

The moss is moist and happy.  Perfect to blow or vacuum twigs and small things from.

I think I'd like to go and do that for a while.

I have a sticking point that keeps me in the kitchen right now.  DD18 shared her fear regarding the damage she may have done to her body.....functions.... digestion... going to the bathroom normally again,  particularly damaging nerves.  There's a name for it, but it's escaping me just now. 

I read up on it last night and told her flat out she's going to do what is suggested to HEAL these problems...... including getting her heart rate up daily, eating flax and chia seeds, etc........ no more wishy washy letting her lead on this and I really do think she wants me to put my foot down.

I'm WITH her a lot.  For a reason.  I'll ask her what she thinks she should do, but I'm not letting her make choices that slow the healing process.......if you guessed she's wants to see a gastrointerologist... fears she needs to have some of her guts cut out BEFORE trying her hardest to heal herself with good food and choices..... you'd be right. 

And that makes me angry. 

Just like DD20 desiring to have gastric bypass surgery as a quick fix to her problems makes me angry. 

There are no quick fixes.  There's more damage and harming the body....... shoved down our throats as healing. 

They can't wave a magic scalple and fix leaky gut, beaten down gut flora and organs saturated and overwhelmed with toxins. 

I know how nutsy that looks to read.

I don't really care right now. I know it's the truth in my bones and mabe it's the girl's DNA......... their father and his father are more sensitive to food and insulin resistence and that's a tough thing I never had to deall with before I had kids.

The eating disorders complicates the simplicity of eating whole, clean foods.  Oldest won't touch anything DD18 and I eat right now  I watched DD18 speak to DD20 with compassion last night.... ask her to join us (like we're a cult) and DD20 had a big NO! push back response I ignored completely.... didn't comment or look up.  Not once.

For F's sake...... there has got to be a lesson in all this for me.  It seems like similar lessons just keep coming up, again and again.

And I need to change my responses. 

::thinking about what it would look like to take myself completely out of the adult equation for the girls::.

To just let them go....
even as I plan to hold DD18's nose to the grindstone with regard to choices.....
I feel pushed and pulled to DO for DD18.  She wants me to lead then she wants to be grown up then back again.

And I care.

Too much.

Now is the time for me to step back, forget the history, and figure out what's best for us all NOW.

I stretched and left my arms and one leg extended, tense.....thinking about the attorneys an Trustee who got away with stealing and almost stealing MORE from my children...... and I release the tension and dissect it in words.

It's a physical thing, but it's created by my thoughts.  It shows up in my body immediately, which is alarming, but my nervous system is doing pretty good right now.  Shifting down and out of fight or flight.  I have the space to shift in and out of observer mode.

And I can't say there's only negative experience when I picture justice.... even some veangence.... holding the criminals accountable.  It FEEEELS pretty good to experience that rush of anger.... beginning the process of finding other people the attorneys have cheated an stolen from as Trustees an pretend realtors/stawman buyers. THAT is NOW very familiar to me.  I've proven it before, Iknow how to do it again. 

But it's time I could spend with my family.  Time I could spend in the moss.  Time I could avoid being thwarted in the good'ol boy system where the bad guys always win, even if you prove your case an "win."  I don't want to do that any more.  I know that, but the point is.... there are things I get from going ro0und an round with those thoughts. 

I haven't quite accepted, without reservation, the fact of letting go is better than hanging on in every single imaginative way.

Young Lighter will just have to trust me on this one.  She's pretty sure veangence could feel better than choosing serenity and peace.  I have to look at that with her.

My brother says "it's all behind you now....they can't hurt you now" and I know that's not real.  And it's OK.  I'll fight the dragons when I have to.  Like I always have.  The worst dragons are getting quite old, by now.  The dragons in crime don't have the same committment or shame in getting caught, which they were...... they don't have the same grudges or feelings of entitlement..... or so I think.

Whatever it is..... it's time for leaning into the present.  Letting the past go.  No leaning into the future as way of BEING.

And so..... what is best for everyone now?

My lips purse and my head shakes back an forth as I ponder Western doctors........ which may be where this goes, but it feels very wrong in so many ways.

::going to grind flax and chia seeds for DD18 and myself::.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Got a simple recipe for chia pudding, Lighter?

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

I'm afraid I've never made a chia seed pudding that didn't have the texture of a frog egg glob, Hops.  I might work on a recipe tasting good enough to make the effort worthwhile,  but I carmelized 12 lbs of organic meatballs last night.  Filling the fridge and freezer with easy to grab protein is priority today. Aldi's dark chocolate, with almonds, in the purple wrapper is getting us through our sweets craving right now.

Update on NRP.....

Tested FINE on myself:

The chocolate flavored Sweet Leaf brand Sweetdrop stevia liquid, in the dropper bottle.  I use these with 4th & HEART brand GHEE clarified Butter with Himalayan Pink Salt to bring back some comfort in dinking coffee AGAIN.  I had to find a replacement for whole milk and plain stevia that DIDN'T leave me despairing.  This is my go to combo.
BODYHEALTH PERECT GREENS Formula organic superfood powder. DD18 and I figured out lemon juice, lemon peel, a huge handful of Thai Basil and frozen blueberries, along with the PERFECT GREENS, ice and water make a fabulous warm weather icy drink.  Maybe add a little stevia if it's too sour.  SO GOOD!
ALDI's Dark chocolate with almonds (purple wrapper) they sell plain as well. A little piece of Laura Secord sugar free dark chocolate was in the bag, so I believe that tests OK too.  The blue wrapper one.

Garlic Salt tested fine.


______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________


TESTED BAD:

SIETE GRAIN FREE TORTILLA CHIPS, made from cassava. The ingredient list looks clean enough, but cassava turns to sugar in the body and NTP says cassava often raised in countries without quality control.  OFF the table. Interesting to note there was a day we wouldn't touch these chips. NOW they seem like delicacies. I was really hoping they'd test OK.  DRAT!

RUSSEL STOVER SUGAR FREE CHOCOLATEs with caramel and nuts tested like rat poison.  They're SO GOOD tasting. Really bummed about that.  I used to bring them to my type II diabetes father on holidays. 

Paprika, which we love, tested poorly on both of us.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

NRP said chocolate cravings can indicate Magnesium deficiency,which was the case for DD18 who's taken to snarfing down dark chocolate like crazy.  This is alarming, bc she doesn't even like dark chocolate.  When testing KREBS Magnesium Potassium Bioactive Mineral Complex on DD.... it wasn't what her body wanted.  We already had this, so brought it.
Standard Process Magnesium Lactate Dietary Supplement was what her body wanted. 
NRP prescribed Gymnema Supplement to curb the cravings for sweets. DD plans to take these at bedtime, bc they actually go very bitter in the mouth and render the tastebuds unable to taste sweet things.  It works, bc we gave them to my friend and tried them a couple weeks ago.

I had a great appointment.... NRT said one more visit like that and I can move to every other week, instead of weekly visits.

I posted a bit about my general strength, energy levels, ability to think clearly improving a good deal.  Also, my ability to remain level improved.  Less or zero reactivity where there used to be a lot. 

A very recent peaceful tranquility has decended on me.   I'm curious about it lasting or shifting into something else.... going away, etc.  No expectations.  Only gratitude and amazement rigth now.  I've never experienced anything like it.

::trying to close off open nostril an breathe through closed off nostril::

SO.
Noisy. 
And I feel like I'm suffocating.

DD's system was switched at this appointment,  so NRP took her through the one nostril breathing.  I was sitting right there, so participated too.  Again, so loud and NRP asked me to please stop...... and I did.  It was somewhat embarrassing,but now she believes me when I tell her how difficult it is for me. NRP's other patients experiencing huge shifts in anxiety when practicing this  for 10 super slow breaths.  I will try more often.... see if I can't catch my nose at the right time, more often.

DD18 super messed up from Russell Stover Candies, but at least we know what's causing it.  Have plan to address it.  NRP assured DD her digestive tract and organs will heal, can be healed, but she must tend to them mindfully.  Trying to reassure DD she can heal herself without Gastro doc. 

I've shifted out of the whiney/angry/sobby state..... such a relief.  I'm feeling strong, zero cravings, eating better is easier, become habit, I've found replacements for things I really missed.  I've never had to feel all this before, bc I didn't have the bandwidth to do so last time I made these choices.  I have full vision of the field and this is apparent all the time in my life.  I wonder how Icould have evere allowed X, Yor Z to upset me.  Just a new perspective I'm enjoying very much.  It occurs to me THISmight be what sociopaths feel all the time..... just very level, no matter what. 

Having meatballs made ahead, kept in fridge and freezer is very helpful.  DD LOVES them.  I combine turkey, beef and bison...garlic salt, a little oregano and garlic powder.... 2 eggs for 3 or 4 lb batches.  Pepper.  They're best when heated in a pan, like most things are.
Cooking a big pan of veggies ahead, to grab and go, is helpful.  DD adores zucchini an English peas.  I'll eat anything, in any state.  Cold.  Room temp.  Warmed lovingly in a pan..... doesn't matter right now. I just want to keep moving forward.

I purchased little Japanese stackable food containers for all the travel we do..... ZOE's Kitchen has chicken and shrimp kebabs with veggies that do in a pinch, if we can find Zoe's.  I'm not keen on purchasing roasted organic chickens and salads from the grocrey stores to eat while on the road, but if we skip lunch on the days we travel, end up feeling starved. Still figuring this out.

[lighter]

Thanks for taking the time to share all that, CB.

I think your point, about more complex carbs slowing down simple carb absorbtion, is important.  I also think the almonds are what make the dark chocolate from Aldi's something my body can handle, at this time, if I chose to eat it.

I understand popcorn and chips equal eating skittles in the bloodstream...... that's why I'm trying to limit carbs to one, once a week. 

It's likely I've been in ketosis, as you said.  There's no way to drop this much inflammation and weight in this short time.  Can't be, while I'm eating so much food.  So much protein.  So many greens and veggies.  Making sure there's healthy fats included.  I didn't stop eating fruit this time, however.  I think that's why there's not more change in my body.  I'm not really aware of my body, most of the time, so I don't notice increments. I don't weigh myself. What I do notice is how my clothing fits.  I turn aroud, one day, and all tthe layers of dimples fell off while I wasn't paying attention so it still seems very mysterious to me. 

NRP has us eating protein, fat and complex carbs...... lots.  We need the carbs to break down into glucose to unlock the cells to take in the nutrition...... is how she explained it. 

If we have spiked insulen levels, the cells can't open up to release the stored calories, is how I understand that process from DD20;s struggles with weight.  Her fasting insulen levels were very high. I'm sure they still are.  The processes are so complex.  Well beyond my uderstanding.  If my experience is any indicator, it's well beyond Western medicine doc's understanding too.  Some are able to admit it.  Some get defensive.  I feel pretty done witth them, frankly.

I can say this "prescriptive" way of eating (thanks, Amber)  is what will help DD20...... I don;t see any other way.  None.

Everyone's body is sensitive, needful, deficient in unique ways.  Things change, sometimes very quickly,  Cutting out more inflammatory foods in the beginning, so the body can rest, heal and start handling toxins and processes again means adding foods back in is possible.

Making unhealthy choices on occassion doesn't overwhelm or shut down function as long as we're tending to our health when it's back online.

That's how I see this working for me both times I've taken it on and it's overwhelming each time.

I've just eaten a big plate of meatballs with zucchini, pea greens and gooy eggs...... I feel full, but not too full.  When I eat cooked down cinnamon apples I feel sick afterwards.  Eating good foods doesn't upset me or make me feel ill..... consistently, it's just eating and getting back to work or whatever I was doing. When I was eating simple carbs there was heartburn, feeling sick I was so full, inflammation and sometimes pain, depending on the carb.  Wheat always leads to pain in several joints.  When I was eating it daily it hurt the shoulder I popped out of joint in martial arts.  Once in a while only hurts my big toes. 

How much we eat, how often and depending on our ability to handle it...... everyone has different food prescriptions if food as medicine is a focus, IME.

My sister added wheat back into her diet without pain..... every once in a while.  Her body can handle it.  Mine can't.  Not now, anyway.  I removed gluten years ago, so I have replacements, don't yearn for it and am quite sure it still bothers me, bc I got stupid on the island over the home baked sweet bread popular with locals and tourists.  Lots of sugar.  Marvelous stuff, but strictly poison if you care about such things.  It seems odd I'd DO that to myself, bc all the walking and working I was doing... I needed my body, out of pain.  That's where being around people eating stupid really hurts.  I bought the bread for DD18, then my brain pinged after having a bite and that lead to days of eating wheat bread without hesitation. 

DD18 agrees.... we can't have inflammatory foods in the house or they will get eaten.  That's admitting we're too weak to discipline ourslves consistently.  We lack discipline.  Discipline is lacking in our habits.  Ouch.  I don't like reading that.  Darn those exciting foods.

I'm sure eating this way will get much easier than it is now.  It's much easier than it was.

Lighter

[lighter]

CB:

It's been a while since DD20 has been to the doctor.  She was working out regularly at a gym....loved her personal trainer,  made an effort with food choices....I think not seeing much progress bummed her out then Covid shut down the gym.  She's gained so much and the bypass surgery quacks convinced her she has no power to impact her own health and weight.....they can fix her with a surgery.

Her fasting insulin levels, 9 years ago were significantly elevated and she had a whole body infection....I assume it was Lyme's disease another doc found  6 years ago.

When DD20 went toTherapeutic Boarding School she snapped at me...
"Stop trying to fix me!". I was stunned.  Shocked.  Terribly conflicted and hurt, bc I had spent so much time and resources trying to solve the mysteries of her weight and underlying causes....very high heavy metal levels, leaky gut, low stomach acid so she wasn't digesting protein I was feeding her a lot of....I wanted her to eat, not restrict and work out like a maniac ( her father) to control her weight....she was 18 and I stepped back. 
She's been to check ups with a regular MD practicing integrative medicine, but she believes the gastric bypass will change everything.

I don't go with her to doc appointments anymore. 

When we all 3 saw the NRP, who's also a nurse practitioner, DD20 dropped so much inflammation, it was night and day. I wonder how things would have gone if my mother didn't fall ill, if we didn't move back to GA to be near her, if we didn't drop the NRP bc I was overwhelmed with the custody case and mom's cancer....I missed her first chemo bc of an 8 hour deposition of the..... doesn't matter now.

DD20 feels pretty distant right now.  She doesn't want me meddling in her food, or telling her what to do.

I had no ability to balance anything but her healthcare, the girl's school and the legals  while living under the legal siege so many years.  I was tunnel visioned on DD20's physical health and the legals and school.  That's it.  My nose was on pebbles....I didn't laugh or dance with the girls.  I was too tired and tormented to be the mom she had before.  And she remembered who I'd been before.  She was really awful to me, which was super difficult to have in my safe spaces.  My MIL had a weekend of poisoning her mind when DD20 was 7yo and things really changed....I think that was a huge factor.  DD18 began hating DD20....every day was battle after battle in the house....and outside.  My relationship with DD 20 is complicated....even after she admitted to tormenting me for years on purpose..... she's very touchy....she'd say oppositional defiant, but only when she feels I'm overstepping.


DD20 needs to go to the dentist.  I'll try to set up a regular physical....and maybe be there for her in a way she won't mind, if allowed.  She should be handling these things on her own, but doesn't if left to herself with these appointments.

I'm curious about her fasting insulin levels and general health/ labs too.  Last week she was looking over workplace insurance programs and deductibles.....so expensive.

That's a lot of information.



Lighter

[Hopalong]

Lighter,

I remember when my DD's distancing began, her focus grew ever more intense on removing me and my:

considerable research skills
health education background
deepening anxiety for her wellbeing
love as I expressed it

....to the point that ANY (from me):

advice
instruction
affection
research
appointment setting
appointment accompanying
interpreting of any medical issue of hers at any time
mentioning
recording
commenting
pressuring
obsessing over
worrying

...from her orbit. It took me a loooooong time to recognize (and for us, it was too late) how my anxiety over her wellbeing had turned me into an entire fleet of BlackHawks, hovering, terrified for her, and so forth. My fears were suffocating to her. I couldn't fully control my anxiety and to her, it was an acid drip.

So, forgive me, but I'd say -- bless the bypass. Support her in going through it. And if it isn't the magic cure and she regains? Then you can step alllllllllll the way back and watch her, as an adult woman, make her own realizations and decisions about how she's going to live. Or not.

The rub is:
--She may be one of many (50%) who do succeed and are transformed and filled with hope and sanity, given the kickstart of the bypass.

--She may be one of many (*50%) who revert and create a second obesity crisis for themselves after the bypass.

[*updated because of conclusions from a substantial study of stats:
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/18392907/]

The bottom line is:
You can't know or control the outcome. I'd donate a metaphorical toe to help you release the trying, because the trying might contribute to her giving up her essential discovery of full autonomy. You can push on doorframes until the house falls down, but this is still her path to trod.

I think the only peace is in releasing the outcome and letting go of the love-and-guilt-driven, frantic campaign to change it all for your DD20. And very very soon, for DD18 as well.

It's not your fault, whether you were a distracted imperfect mother or not. It's what has happened in DD20's (and DD18's) lives too, so only they can find their right ways through it.

Support is one thing. Supervision is another.
Adult children rebel, often in self-sabotaging ways, against supervision.

MUCH comfort, empathy, hope for you--

hugs,
Hops

[lighter]

Thank you, ((Hops.))

Sharing your experience really helps me pry my fingers off the steering wheel in DD20's life.  Truly.

I'll try very hard to give advice ONLY when it's asked for. 

I'll attempt to shift my focus TO MYSELF and my business. 

I'll try to drop the guilt and story of the past to do what's best for everyone in the now.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

A big Yes.

And, she'll undergo this, too, which may help her in many ways:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3096263/