Author Topic: Happy New Year?  (Read 671 times)

Dr. Richard Grossman

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Happy New Year?
« on: January 12, 2022, 04:44:57 PM »
Hi everyone,

This 10-minute play was joyously performed at the Whetstone Inn in Marlboro, Vermont on New Years, 2022.  Enjoy?!!!



                                            HAPPY NEW YEAR?

                                   by Richard Grossman (copyright 2021)

Cast of characters: 

Covid:  Older man
Delta:  Younger man
Omicron:  Younger woman
Death:  man
Taxes:  man

As the curtain rises, Covid, Delta and Omicron are all sitting in a small room together.

Omicron:  Happy New Year!

Covid:  Same to you!

Delta:  Happier for some than for others.   Actually, I’m surprised you suggested that we all get together.

Omicron:  What do you mean?  We’re family, aren’t we?

Delta:  Are we?

Covid:  I suppose we are.

Omicron:  Of course we are. 

Delta:  How so?

Omicron:  We’re genetically related to each other.  That makes us family.

Delta:  But I thought families were groups that loved each other or at least got along with each other.

Covid:  What world do you live in?  Not in our world, that’s for sure.

                              (Laughter all the way around)

Omicron:  Then why are we all together?

Covid:  Did we even have a choice?

Delta:  So, what are we supposed to do with our time together?

Omicron:  What do all families do when they get together?  Talk about relatives.

Covid:  You mean my two children, Del and Omi?

Delta: I don’t consider us to be your children.

Omicron (to Delta):  But he’s older than we are.  He came first.

Delta:  That doesn’t make us his children. We’re relatives. 

Omicron:  OK.  Relatives.  So, are there any new ones?

Covid:  None that I know of.  At least not today.

Delta:  Good.  The less the better.

Omicron:  Yeah, you never wanted any new relatives, did you?  I always thought of you as self-centered.

Delta:  No more self-centered than you.  I know, the next thing you’re going to tell me is that you’re going to become vegan. 

                           (Covid bursts out laughing)

Omicron:  But think of it:  Is this any way for a family to be in the world?

Covid:  No different than many other families.

Omicron:  But I wanted to talk with both of you because I keep feeling the world is out to get me.   I wish I had someone out there I could talk to who was kind and gentle. 

Covid: You’ve always been the kindest and gentlest of the three of us.  Where are we going to find someone else like you in our world?

Omicron: (Sheepishly) I have to admit, I think I found someone.  Someone who is kind and gentle.  In fact, I invited him to New Year’s Eve today.

Delta:  You didn’t!

Omicron: I did.

Covid:  Whom did you invite?

Omicron (slight pause and then hesitantly):  Dr. Fauci…

Delta:  WHAT?!!!!!  You invited Dr. Fauci to meet with us. He’s a murderer!  All he cares about is that we die!  He has no feeling.  No empathy!  Not for me, not for you, not for us!

Omicron:  Actually, I think that he’s one of the few human beings who is kind and empathetic.  And I hoped we could at least begin to negotiate our futures with him. 

Delta:  Oh, please.  All he wants to do is kill us!

Covid  (to Omicron)  Delta is right.  Sometimes I think you’re too kind and gentle.

(Knock on the door)

Omicron:  He’s here!

Delta:  Oh, no!

          (Death and Taxes enter)

Death: Are you the COVID variants?

Covid:  We are. Is one of you Dr. Fauci?

Taxes:  Do either of us look like Dr. Fauci?

Delta:  No!

Death:  I’m sorry, but do you really think Dr. Fauci would put his life at risk to meet with you?

Delta:  So, who are you?

Taxes:  Who do you think we are?

Covid: I know exactly who you are.

Death:  And whom might that be?

Covid:  You’re Death and he’s Taxes.  Who else would the government send in this situation?

Taxes:  You’re right! 

Delta:  That’s not good news for us!

Death:  No, it’s not. 

Covid: Taxes, I understand why Death is here, but why are you here?

Taxes:  I always follow along with Death, whatever the mission.

Covid:  Of course.

Delta:  Well, both of you, this is a warning:  You’d better get out of here right now before we infect you.

Death:  Sorry, but you can’t hurt us.  We have both had our third boosters.

Covid:  Then I guess this is our end.

Omicron (panicked): Oh my God, I guess it is!

Death (pulling out three big needles out of his bag): Indeed it is.  I am honored and delighted to give each one of you a potent vaccine.

(Taxes wrestles with each one as Death pokes them in their arms with the needles, then Taxes collects the needles and they head out the door.)
                       (as Death and Taxes are leaving)

Death: And may I say:  May you all rot in hell!

           (as soon as Death and Taxes have left the room)

Delta:  Bloody murderer!

Omicron:  Well, I guess we deserved it.

Covid:  I suppose we did.

Delta: Like hell we did!

Covid:  Well, we still have some time left to celebrate the New Year’s. The vaccines may take a little while to work.  Is there anything anyone wants to eat for our final New Year’s Eve dinner?

Omicron:  Oh my God, yes!  Chocolate souffle!  That should make dying a little more pleasant!

Covid:  Sounds good to me.

          (Covid begins to dish souffle, and they start eating.)

Delta:  I can’t taste a goddam thing!

Omicron:  Neither can I…

Covid:  We never could…

                          (Each one collapses and dies.)




                                          THE END





Hopalong

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Re: Happy New Year?
« Reply #1 on: January 12, 2022, 09:06:07 PM »
I found this truly, genuinely funny, Doc G!

It's original. Who'da thunk to make the variants siblings? And the silly banter?

I chortled at the end, especially.

What a wonderful thing to laugh in the damn pandemic's face.
That's a sure sign the human spirit is indomitable.

Or at least yours is.
Thank you for sharing this delightful playlet.
I could also see it being performed happily in living rooms, with families/friends swapping roles....

hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: Happy New Year?
« Reply #2 on: January 12, 2022, 09:24:53 PM »
Hi, Doc:

I started shivering halfway through the read and had to get a warm drink.  It reminded me of 3d life, people and situations.....the pandemic fear sitting on top of the pile, of course, holding hands with death and taxes.  Yikes!

You're a clever writer and I always enjoy reading your plays.  It's good to see this work was performed and enjoyed on New Years.  What an absolute hoot.  I wish I'd been there; )

Lighter

Phyll

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Re: Happy New Year?
« Reply #3 on: January 13, 2022, 11:27:00 PM »
I love it!  I am having fun imagining the costumes!

Dr. Richard Grossman

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Re: Happy New Year?
« Reply #4 on: January 15, 2022, 04:17:28 PM »
Thank you, Hops, lighter and Phyl!  I'm so glad you enjoyed it!  I certainly hope the ending comes true in real life, and any more of Covid's "children" meet a similar fate!

Take care,

Richard