Everything randomly

[Pseudo Mouse]

I need to go no contact with my mother, unfortunately at the moment I live too close to her.

Everything I thought when I was younger about her having malignant Narcissism is true. I see it all over again.

Today, after a phone conversation she didn't turn her phone off and I could hear her and her husband talking about me. They are so petty and nasty, but also they don't talk about her husband's family that way. Her husband has a huge family and they are all somehow legitimate people but I'm the less-than human. They talk about me like I'm a piece of shit.

All I can say is I need to change my life and eventually just have her out of it.

She's an alcoholic and she has a personality disorder. She's a curse.   

Nothing ever gets better.

I really need to not think about her at all. Narcissism has a way of causing everything to be unpleasant and everything starts to revolve around the Narcissist's nonsense. Everything about her snowballs into some nasty dysfunction.

She is mentally ill and I definitely need her out of my life as it is toxic. 

[Pseudo Mouse]

I think it's no wonder I ended up with episodes of depression throughout my entire life along with 'generalized anxiety.'

Maybe I'm prone to anxiety anyhow. For certain having grown up with this as my framework for the world has not been a good thing. Now I'm an adult though and this still continues to impact me. I don't want to think about it because it sucks up too much emotional and mental energy. It's just very emotionally draining and discouraging to have Narcissism in one's family.

I've done nothing but repeated the same kind of thing here. I've said I know this is toxic, I know this is emotionally unhealthy for me. It makes life miserable. I feel stuck though. I feel like this is just the shitty hand I've been delt.

[Hopalong]

Mouse, what a courageous and wise decision. I'm so moved by your choice to not absorb that unkindness any more.

Perhaps the next level of your journey will be to get support in learning how to no longer be brutal or unkind to yourself, in your thinking.

It's really hard work --to change one's own thinking--and I'm still deep in the struggle sometimes. But I'd like to encourage you. It IS a path with rewards and actually different vistas, beauties and layers you just can't see or imagine when your curled up inside with the pain of rejection.

Not the same loss of a dream as yours, but I've been there. Curled up beside the path thinking that others can walk it, but not me. Very slowly, with a determination I'd never had before, I did set down a heavy backpack, full of core hurts.

I think the big ones affect us perhaps all life long. But I've come to believe that even with scars or limps or weaknesses or painful memories, we are equally deserving of love and fulfillment -- in whatever form they come that fits and lifts us.

As the deep bruise heals, healing actually feels like SOMETHING. It's a real process, not just an idea. And you're just as equipped as any human to seek out wise helpers and guides and get hiking.

Bravo.

Hugs
Hops

[lighter]

When you're ready to go NC.... you'll go NC, Mouse.

Don't be hard on yourself.  Give yourself the compassion your mother wasn't able to give you.

Acceptance will come.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Hi Mouse!

I like to think of NC as a way for me learn to care more for myself; healthy self-love. It honors what I've lived through and tried to change - with greater/lesser success over the years. I've found it quite freeing and empowering actually. And I don't see it as making me badly motivated person - it's just another survival tool.

Maybe you'll find your own positives in it, if you embark on it.

[Pseudo Mouse]

Heyo, Hops, Lighter, Skep.

Thanks. I just come here to deposit complaints. I think you've probably already notice so much.

[Pseudo Mouse]

My mother was pestering me so I ended up just telling her I was extremely depressed which is true. She reacts by getting angry at me which is expected. I don't think I've once ever in my life expressed that I was suffering to her in someway without her getting angry at me. I don't care, there is no point in even giving a carp about it, it's what she does. It's truly ill. I'm just tired of it. I think she enjoys it.

[Hopalong]

I'm sorry you're so depressed (((((Mouse)))))

I really remember that. Like a gray rock inside your chest. And it's treatable, healable. No longer turning to your mother for comfort, but you still deserve comfort and company of whatever kind evolves to work for you in a good way.

I think you deserve a loving, compassionate listener (or more) in your life. I don't know how to advise you on where to find it. Everyone has their own visions of how community or better human connections could happen or would fit.

For some it's one-on-one or group therapy (wish I could lend you my T, who is extremely empathic -- or guide you to a group, where you would no longer feel alone). For some, a religious community. For others, a community project that brings people together in service. For others, a hiking group that helps people bond in beauty. For others, caring for animals. For others, cultivating flowers or a garden.

I hope you won't give up or go down paths you've exhausted yourself on. Try a new walk. Just a baby step or two. Keep trying, Mouse. You deserve it.

hugs
Hops

[Pseudo Mouse]

So, yesterday I blurted out something to my mother that was straight how I see her, and I said she was an abusive alcoholic. I mean it just blurted out of me. Of course it's never good to say such things. Shrug, it came out.

Today she was on the phone with me and I managed to stay calm. Lots of times I don't stay calm in convo with her. She raised her voice for no reason then progressively had a verbal onslaught rage tirade at me. It's stressful. I don't feel calm but I pointed out to her that I hadn't raised by voice and it wasn't necessary and she said "I don't care" and continued screaming at me. There's not much point in going over it too much. She called me manipulative and something like shit face though I'm not quite sure what she meant by that shit face comment because it's a first. I mean she's called me a b*tch for no reason.

She's just nasty to me but almost everybody else thinks she's nice. After the convo I thought, wow what if that had been recorded, I don't think my phone does such a thing, but what if it had been recorded and I played it back for her and everybody who thinks she's the nicest person. It's pointless and I don't think I'd bother with something like that. It's just the idea of how she reserves so much vengefulness and directs it to me but is a different person around other people bothers me.

Apparently one time her sister/my aunt told her that she needs therapy after they had been talking about politics but I've got no idea what that convo between them sounded like.

She does drink a lot at night every night but I guess that's not my problem. She takes citolopram not sure why exactly 'depression' or whatever. Nothing like dealing with a depressed alcoholic w/ narcissism.

I know. It's nothing new, cuz it's the same old thing I've written here for years now. It's inconvenient I suppose. 

[Hopalong]

((((Mouse))))

I'm sorry she's so vicious.

How do the phone calls come about? Do you ever feel a compulsion (like a habit so deep you can't begin to imagine not obeying it) to call her? Or is it she who calls to verbally abuse you, lie to you, and be cold to you?

Maybe examining the pattern of connecting -- how, specifically (behaviorally) it comes about --would be a place to start reflecting.

There are all kinds of steps and solutions to unhooking that. But only if the underlying emotional state gets teased apart with some professional support, imo.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Oh, Mouse.... your mother won't ever stop being hurtful or stop accusing you of what she's doing or stop criticising you and avoiding conseqences for her behaviors, bc she's broken and she can't do any better.

The mom you deserved doesn't exist and she never did.  She's never been in your life and the hope she will change or appear is transposed over your reality like a template........ it's what you see and will see as long as you resist acceptance.

There'sa saying..." what we resist, persists "and that's been the case for me.

If you can't find a way to accept her in her broken form.... maybe evaluate what you're getting from the relationship and consider where to go from there.

Hops gives good advice to study the patterns of your relationship.

Im sorry you didn't have the mom you deserved ((Mouse.))


Lighter

[Pseudo Mouse]

Thanks Hops & Lighter.

I've currently got myself in a situation where I live near my mother but I've got no vehicle right now and I've occasionally had to ask her to take me to doctos appointments and whatnot. Of course if I were rich I'd not have this problem right.

Anyhow. It's cowshyt as usual.

I only come on here periodically to deposit my thoughts pointlessly. Where else can I flip out.

Anyhow, I don't know much of what's going on in the board.

The narcissism in relationships bores me I think so I don't write here much. Also whatever first motivated me to write on here I just don't want public anymore. If I write I can type it out and then just not save it because who really needs all the text.

It's a dead-end because it just does not ever change. It never really gets better, always a cure etc.

That's all I've really got to say I guess.

[Pseudo Mouse]

I've watched a handful of Narcissism videos online and I can't help but to notice that there is a wide array and vague ways that so called experts try to define what it is. Whatever it is, the people around a person with a PD can say they don't like the impact of having a relationship with someone who has a PD.

When I first found this board I don't think there were videos about Narcissism on YouTube but now there must be like 100+ I mean I didn't count them. I find myself getting bored and drifting off though when I listen to most of them because I don't know why, most of them are general and are trying to drum up patients/customers.

[Hopalong]

I like Dr. Les Carter's videos on narcissism.
Something soothing about his straightforward talk.

[Pseudo Mouse]

Oh yeah Dr. Les Carter, I've seen those.