So, I never finished the education program I was in. The first semester I did fine and got A grades in all the courses I was taking but then later I added an extra course along with realizing how creepy the politics was at the school.
I was fine with doing 3 courses at once but 4 courses started just feeling like too much for me and I seriously was thinking I needed to be on anti-anxiety meds and in therapy to get through it but by that time it was sort of already too late.
It was a grant and I totally lost the grant very unceremoniously. They seemed to think I was messing around at least that is the impression I get in my mind. It's like they come to the conclusion that I'm at fault and intentionally screwing something up etc.
I'm sort of slow, the masses of information they expect people to go through is so high and it was just way too much for me. Slapping stuff together makes me feel miserable. I get it though that is how people get stuff done imperfectly. At the same time people are paying for education not torture.
So it may have taken me a little bit longer but if they had allowed me to just do 3 courses at a time I would have already finished the program by now anyhow. I guess it's too much to ask or expect.
I even told them that I was dealing with anxiety and depression but it goes right over their heads and it never gets taken very seriously I guess because maybe people hear it too much.
Anyhow I've felt kinda of down about losing the grant thing but I'd have to say I'm not surprised because I am typically a rather unsuccessful person. When I was a kid playing baseball at school I ran backwards to first base instead of third base or homebase or whatever because I actually had never played baseball and I was just dumb. It feels like a metaphor for everything in my life.
So maybe I sound like a vulnerable narcissist here? Not sure. I expect maybe I'm along that spectrum.
I'm not sure if I should even write all of this out. It might make me feel worse for writing it out I don't know. Also, I usually don't write for the sake of getting feedback. I feel like I need to write sometimes to organize or clear my own thoughts into something manageable. I've been doing A LOT of ruminating I think. Writing this actually makes me feel like crying. I think I am genuinely tired of thinking, thinking, thinking. For as much as people claim to "raise awareness" about depression, anxiety and whatever it's BS people totally disregard it.
After I had explained to the lame sorry but I'm going to call them lame paper pushers. After I had explained to them that I was dealing with a lot of anxiety/depression they pretty much disregarded it and claimed that they would have needed to submit PAPERWORK for that. Some kind of waiver thing but they didn't do it.
I'm sort of rambling here. It's just that it's frustrating.
The degree was also probably entirely useless for me personally, I just wanted a degree period.
Alright, so the ruminating stuff feels like seriously unhealthy.
I guess this is sorta meta ruminating about ruminating but maybe it's needed idk.