Everything randomly

[Pseudo Mouse]

So, I don't live in the city right now and transportation is an issue for me.

On Monday my mother had said she could go to a car dealer with me and look at cars which I would be paying for. It's not like I can call a taxi out here and just get any place I need to go easily and quickly. So today on Wednesday because she had some appointment cancellation she decided she wanted to go today except we hadn't talked about it the previous day. I wasn't really ready to go and I didn't want to go to a car dealer unprepared and waste the time there. I also wasn't feeling too good anyhow and I don't want to go on a long drive with her when she is in a foul mood and I feel bad anyhow. So she starts nagging me and making demands and it starts to feel like not only am I isolated but she is controlling my every move. She started raising her voice with me. I told her I didn't want to argue with her and then we ended the phone call. She then texts me saying weird stuff how now she doesn't want to go on FRIDAY which is what we orignally decided. She has no reason for not wanting to go on Friday it's just part of the nonsense. She even acted like she forgot that we had agreed on going on Friday. She does this A LOT she pretends to forget important things but only when it's related to me. She then insinuates that I need to talk to a counselor. I'm a problem. It's exhausting.

If I say I wasn't planning to go today, I'm not prepared right now and I don't feel good don't wanna do a long car drive she doesn't LISTEN or hear any of that, she doesn't care and then she starts arguing with me. In the end it feels like it's plain sabotage. Somehow she translates all of this as a reason not to go on Friday like we had originally talked about. I also by this point am feel stressed and miserable.

It's a typical cycle.

I really don't need or even want a response. I just feel I need to type it out. I guess I could write and delete it. I really am just writing it for myself because all of this happens and it's like it's insignificant. I think it's significant that when I need to do something important and we agreed on it then it devolves into a weird manipulative argumentative nightmare. It feels horrible. This stuff is the exact reason why I grew up feeling insignificant, unimportant etc. It's also why I ultimately need to distance myself from her when I am able to. 

I'm tired of people talking about support groups and whatnot. I never have a support group whatever that is and it's ridiculous anyhow. Nobody really wants to know how emotionally stunted your family is. And yes I'm too old to need a relative to take me to a car dealer etc.

It's just stressful. I feel like there are families that would do these things without so much stress and the intentional arguments feel like emotional abuse. It's toxic and I absolutely hate her. It might sounds juvenile but I have to say it. I'm beyond exhausted with it. 

Therapy is something a person does when they actually locate a therapist they want to see. I'd only want to see a therapist that understands or specializes in Narcissism and I'd rather see someone in person at this point. I also don't have health insurance but the fact of the matter is a therapist isn't going to help me find a car nor any other practical things I have to do.

I feel like there is a lot of emotional stuff that goes on. It all gets compressed and ignored. So I just have to write it out.

Most people don't say they have an abusive relationship with their mother it sounds whiney or whatever but there's something very wrong, there is no joy in the relationship I had with either of my parents. They rarely smiled genuinely. My mother actually never smiles at me. I get it she is fked up. I'm still dealing with it though because here I am.

The times I've talked to therapists they didn't really seem to understand but I also don't think I had ever articulated the word Narcissism and alcoholism to them. You pretty much have to already grasp what is going on to be able to describe it to someone otherwise one just feels like they are personally flawed and just 'depressed.'

So I figure it's no wonder people end up with depression and anxiety. When I had gone to therapists before that is what I went in saying that I was 'depressed.' It never goes anywhere. I actually start to feel like I am going insane when I talk with my mother. I think she is neurotically selfish. I'm just trying to get a car & be able to get to where I need to go on my own.

 

[Pseudo Mouse]

So, I never finished the education program I was in. The first semester I did fine and got A grades in all the courses I was taking but then later I added an extra course along with realizing how creepy the politics was at the school.

I was fine with doing 3 courses at once but 4 courses started just feeling like too much for me and I seriously was thinking I needed to be on anti-anxiety meds and in therapy to get through it but by that time it was sort of already too late.

It was a grant and I totally lost the grant very unceremoniously. They seemed to think I was messing around at least that is the impression I get in my mind. It's like they come to the conclusion that I'm at fault and intentionally screwing something up etc.

I'm sort of slow, the masses of information they expect people to go through is so high and it was just way too much for me. Slapping stuff together makes me feel miserable. I get it though that is how people get stuff done imperfectly. At the same time people are paying for education not torture.

So it may have taken me a little bit longer but if they had allowed me to just do 3 courses at a time I would have already finished the program by now anyhow. I guess it's too much to ask or expect.

I even told them that I was dealing with anxiety and depression but it goes right over their heads and it never gets taken very seriously I guess because maybe people hear it too much.

Anyhow I've felt kinda of down about losing the grant thing but I'd have to say I'm not surprised because I am typically a rather unsuccessful person. When I was a kid playing baseball at school I ran backwards to first base instead of third base or homebase or whatever because I actually had never played baseball and I was just dumb. It feels like a metaphor for everything in my life.

So maybe I sound like a vulnerable narcissist here? Not sure. I expect maybe I'm along that spectrum.

I'm not sure if I should even write all of this out. It might make me feel worse for writing it out I don't know. Also, I usually don't write for the sake of getting feedback. I feel like I need to write sometimes to organize or clear my own thoughts into something manageable. I've been doing A LOT of ruminating I think. Writing this actually makes me feel like crying. I think I am genuinely tired of thinking, thinking, thinking. For as much as people claim to "raise awareness" about depression, anxiety and whatever it's BS people totally disregard it.

After I had explained to the lame sorry but I'm going to call them lame paper pushers. After I had explained to them that I was dealing with a lot of anxiety/depression they pretty much disregarded it and claimed that they would have needed to submit PAPERWORK for that. Some kind of waiver thing but they didn't do it.

I'm sort of rambling here. It's just that it's frustrating.

The degree was also probably entirely useless for me personally, I just wanted a degree period.

Alright, so the ruminating stuff feels like seriously unhealthy.

I guess this is sorta meta ruminating about ruminating but maybe it's needed idk.

[Pseudo Mouse]

Ruminating is weird.

It's mostly worrying and doing nothing.

[Hopalong]

I wish there was someone somewhere who could advocate for you with the school. I don't know your age but do know 4 classes would be impossible for me. Even 3.

I hope they'll accomodate you as you deserve it.

hugs
Hops