Thanks, Hops. It's the valuelessness of the situation that has nibbled at me, I think. The mess the next day wouldn't have mattered if I'd spent the evening before laughing constantly or having a really interesting conversation, or he'd put up the roller blinds that are sat by the door waiting for me to get the time to do it. It was the overall futility of the interaction, I think, and I'm trying to whittle things down to their bare bones because I want my life to be so different and it still seems to me that it isn't my outward behaviour that's the issue, it's something much deeper inside that is still largely covered (to me, at least), that seems to have only two options - draw and attract arseholes (people, situations, circumstances) or avoid, deflect, hide away. And I don't want either so I'm trying to whittle it all away and figure myself out.
I think that ties in with what you said, Lighter, about making nice out of habit. For decades I unconsciously gave people what they wanted. I issued no demands, I took up no space, I prioritised the needs of others over myself at all times, without even realising it. There was just no me there. And when I started noticing and taking up space most of the people I cared about left, because they didn't have room in their lives for me. I was there to receive and nothing else. People say that's a good thing because you find out who your real friends are, but it doesn't stop it hurting or feeling lonely and rejected. I think what I realised was that when he asked to stop over, I didn't have a reason to say no - but I also didn't have a reason to say yes. He brings nothing to my life, even momentarily. He's boring, unintelligent, he has no interest in other people, he says many things that are subtle put downs and then does the 'I was only asking' or 'It was just a joke' thing when challenged. He smokes, he smells, he just isn't good company. But I didn't think of any of that (will I enjoy his company for the evening?). I just thought, well he's only up the road, one night won't hurt and he's not sleeping in the house so it's okay. So I think the next step for me is 'do I want this in my life' rather than 'is this going to be bad for me?' Because they're not quite the same thing and I think I've been stuck at the refusing bad stuff rather than only allowing good stuff for a long time now.
Your contractor story, Lighter, triggered something in me when you mentioned real fires. I think you're like me, in so much as you assume everyone else will be like you and do the job well, thoroughly and attentively. If you were around a real fire that fire would be safe. You'd take every precaution going, you'd check and monitor it, you'd make sure others were sensible and if it did get out of control, you'd be chucking buckets of water at it until the fire brigade got there. But I think so few people are really like that and I know for me, I've got to the point of checking really small details because it amazes me how so many people miss what seems obvious and necessary. Added to which I think a lot of people just don't think for themselves, they do the bare minimum they can get away with and nothing more. It's hard when you're not like that and I think it catches people out. And you end up covered in dust lol x