Author Topic: Checking In  (Read 7220 times)

Hopalong

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Re: Checking In
« Reply #30 on: May 28, 2024, 03:27:50 PM »
Only "raging" stuck out to me, ((((Tupp)))), so it sounds as though his unkempt/inconsiderate reflexes were a trigger of some deeper stuff. As slobby as he sounded, his sins seemed small.

You've had so many invasions of your peace of mind over the years that maybe you feel fierce about it. I do too, have often been very uncomfortable having people in my space recently. Anxious, even. I'm just rawer than I used to be, and I think that will change again. We're not fixed in stone and all our traits can ebb and flow.

Maybe something simple like, "I've realized I'm just not comfortable having people in my space -- set in my ways!" would explain it to him without hurt.

I don't think you're breaking down, I just think your built-in sensors got overloaded by his visit.

hugs,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: Checking In
« Reply #31 on: May 28, 2024, 09:03:17 PM »
Tupp:

Hops said she's more "raw" but I simply feel less inclined to make nice and pretend all is well when it's not.

Esp with contractors.  I silently raged today, sometimes screaming in my head, while helping the original lake contractor re do the bathroom celing tiles. 

My sis and I took down the 12"x24" porcelain tiles.  I taped off the new shower door, floor, walls and made sure there was padding to protect the glass.  I scraped, hammered and otherwise chiseled off the old thinset then handed the tiles to the contractor to put back in.  You know... he didn't even check LEVEL once and so we figured out why the old tiles came out.  Nothing level. 

I'm rambling, but I should have tracked down another contractor, by now, and taken care of this.  I NEEEEED to speak plainly and not make nice, all the time, bc that's what I used to do, mindlessly.

Mindfully..... I'm not that nice all the time.  I'm not. 

::coughing up thinset dust::

I'm poised to be very plain spoken.  I think Hops said something about feeling raw.... and maybe it's simuilar to that.  I think feeling, honestly, is a bit shocking when one is used to doing doing doing and making nice, out of habit. 

Ya.

Hope you guys are dong OK. 

I'd like to hear more about how things are going for you and pooch, Hops. 

Lighter

Twoapenny

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Re: Checking In
« Reply #32 on: May 29, 2024, 04:34:00 AM »
Thanks, Hops.  It's the valuelessness of the situation that has nibbled at me, I think.  The mess the next day wouldn't have mattered if I'd spent the evening before laughing constantly or having a really interesting conversation, or he'd put up the roller blinds that are sat by the door waiting for me to get the time to do it.  It was the overall futility of the interaction, I think, and I'm trying to whittle things down to their bare bones because I want my life to be so different and it still seems to me that it isn't my outward behaviour that's the issue, it's something much deeper inside that is still largely covered (to me, at least), that seems to have only two options - draw and attract arseholes (people, situations, circumstances) or avoid, deflect, hide away.  And I don't want either so I'm trying to whittle it all away and figure myself out.

I think that ties in with what you said, Lighter, about making nice out of habit.  For decades I unconsciously gave people what they wanted.  I issued no demands, I took up no space, I prioritised the needs of others over myself at all times, without even realising it.  There was just no me there.  And when I started noticing and taking up space most of the people I cared about left, because they didn't have room in their lives for me.  I was there to receive and nothing else.  People say that's a good thing because you find out who your real friends are, but it doesn't stop it hurting or feeling lonely and rejected.  I think what I realised was that when he asked to stop over, I didn't have a reason to say no - but I also didn't have a reason to say yes.  He brings nothing to my life, even momentarily.  He's boring, unintelligent, he has no interest in other people, he says many things that are subtle put downs and then does the 'I was only asking' or 'It was just a joke' thing when challenged.  He smokes, he smells, he just isn't good company.  But I didn't think of any of that (will I enjoy his company for the evening?).  I just thought, well he's only up the road, one night won't hurt and he's not sleeping in the house so it's okay.  So I think the next step for me is 'do I want this in my life' rather than 'is this going to be bad for me?'  Because they're not quite the same thing and I think I've been stuck at the refusing bad stuff rather than only allowing good stuff for a long time now.

Your contractor story, Lighter, triggered something in me when you mentioned real fires.  I think you're like me, in so much as you assume everyone else will be like you and do the job well, thoroughly and attentively.  If you were around a real fire that fire would be safe.  You'd take every precaution going, you'd check and monitor it, you'd make sure others were sensible and if it did get out of control, you'd be chucking buckets of water at it until the fire brigade got there.  But I think so few people are really like that and I know for me, I've got to the point of checking really small details because it amazes me how so many people miss what seems obvious and necessary.  Added to which I think a lot of people just don't think for themselves, they do the bare minimum they can get away with and nothing more.  It's hard when you're not like that and I think it catches people out.  And you end up covered in dust lol x

Twoapenny

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Re: Checking In
« Reply #33 on: May 29, 2024, 11:53:18 AM »
Do you know what occurred to me as I carried on thinking about all of this today?  I never, ever, ever ask myself what I need.  What I want, yes, I can give you a full blown description of my perfect life right down to the colour of my shoes.  What I need to do, yep, I can produce three pages of detailed notes on everything from putting the dishes away to making a million pounds to put away for my son.  What my son needs, yes, I can deliver a care plan in 14 minutes flat.  But what I need?  Basic, ordinary, day to day?  Do you need to sleep, Tupp?  Rest?  Have some fun?  Eat, drink water, go for a long walk, drive to the seaside and watch the waves?  Phone a friend?  A good night out?  Some dancing?  What do I need?  Right now?  Dear Lord, can I really have overlooked such a basic thing for so many years?  I asked myself and what came to me is sleep, so I went back to bed for two hours.  Then water, so I drank some.  Now I'm going to have a bath.  Really have I missed out the basic in amongst all the drama and angst and naval gazing?  Might it actually be that blooming simple?

lighter

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Re: Checking In
« Reply #34 on: May 29, 2024, 04:05:50 PM »
I don't see it as naval gazing, Tupp.  More.... distraction and distracted, IME.

Asking yourself what you need is a habit or can become habit, me'thinks.  I thought about that today as I sweated in the outbuilding heat while looking for things I need to finish the counters....wood distressing tools, industrial fan, respirator, etc. 

It was too quiet so aI stopped, asked how I could restore comfort, put on favorite Spotify playlist and danced happily through my tasks.....breezy outside.....enjoying what I could enjoy.  It was good.

It was also like exploring a haunted building, bc.....generations of history, including items, photos and once cherished things from my li fe.....my old lives, rather. Childhood.  Teens.  Single adult life.  First marriage.  Second.  Children and family...I felt a Grandfather's presence and found important things quickly, rather than getting badly side tracked.  I kept returning to what I needed and remembering to be mindful of wants, as well. 

Remembering....I want to drop judgement.  I don't want to feel haunted.  I don't want to get mindlessly distracted. 

I want to find joy in the present.  I want that new default to be set and it be what I'm modeling for my family, bc we're all haunted, if I'm truthful.

So, ya.  Your post resonates loudly today, Tupp. 


Lighter

sKePTiKal

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Re: Checking In
« Reply #35 on: May 30, 2024, 09:30:37 AM »
BINGO Tupp!

Yeah, needs get pushed down when "doing" means survival and safety. But it's easy to focus on needs instead of the old stuff, because now you're more settled and safe.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Twoapenny

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Re: Checking In
« Reply #36 on: June 04, 2024, 02:18:45 AM »
Thanks, both.  Weird, isn't it, how things just drop into place.

My latest self help adventure is the Andrew Bernstein method for managing stress.  Apparently has been about for years, I had heard nothing about this :)  Very early days and must confess to not understanding how it works yet but am trying the exercises and noticing a big drop in my reactions and responses to things.  I am keen to do more!  Lol

lighter

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Re: Checking In
« Reply #37 on: June 04, 2024, 11:10:40 AM »
Looking forward to hearing more, Tupp. 

Lighter

Twoapenny

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Re: Checking In
« Reply #38 on: June 28, 2024, 04:46:21 AM »
One little revelatory moment I have noticed (and whether it's because of these stress management techniques or not I don't know - possibly it is) is my endless sense that there is something seriously wrong with me is receding.  I have always felt that my failings (as I saw them) in life were down to some deep flaw on my part.  My mother couldn't accept me, no-one else came to save me, I haven't been able to maintain friendships, relationships, people ask too much of me, I always end up being the one to do x, y and z when no-one else does, and so on.  I've always felt that showed a deep flaw in me that needed to be fixed.

But - an incident happened a few days ago that has made me rethink all of that.  One of the neighbours asked for a favour, framed it initially as a small favour and then after I said yes gave me further information and it's actually a big favour and one I would have refused, had I known what it really entailed (it's to do with taking care of pets and was initially presented as a small thing but is actually an extended holiday, several pets, medical issues to take care of and so on).

I've had a few days of why me?  why do people do this, why was I deceived, why do I now have to figure out a way of getting out of it, what is it about me that says 'mug'?  And so on.  But - and this is where the stress management comes in, as it's about turning the problem round and looking at the opposite side of it - I realised it isn't 'me' that attracts this.  We're the newest neighbours on the block - she's probably done this to the others so now they all say no and I'm the only one not in the loop.  She knows I'm home with my son so fewer excuses for me relating to not being here.  She was, in my opinion, quite deliberately manipulative.  If I ask someone for a big favour I start with "It's a big favour.  Feel free to say no or take time to think it over".  And then I'll spell out exactly what I'm asking for.  She did the opposite, presented it as a small favour and then once I said yes, drip fed the rest of the information.  So this is about her, not me.

That then got me thinking to friendships.  I've always felt I couldn't maintain friendships because i don't 'attract' the right sort of people.  Again, there is some deep flaw in me that attracts incompatible types.  But looking back over many years, I can see that my requirements for friendships changed.  At one point anyone that would drink or take drugs with me would do.  I straightened myself out from that but still had very low self esteem, so would take any kind of behaviour without complaint.  I pulled myself out of that but was still in a lot of situations where I gave a lot and didn't get much back.  I put boundaries in place and lost most people then.  Then it wasn't just about how I was treated, it was about what I got out of other people, and with some it wasn't much, so I dropped them.  And that's what I think has been happening.  It's not something wrong with me, it's that my standards kept getting higher.  For some reason that hadn't been so clear to me before.

And I think it's across the board, in all situations.  My home life has meant very limited opportunities for meeting different kinds of people as we're mostly limited to groups for those who are disadvantaged in some way.  They're not right for us.  It takes all my energy to manage our own limited situation, I've nothing left over for anyone else's.  Again I've felt that there's something wrong with me for not enjoying these groups or finding them the great relief that others seem to.  But the truth is most of the chat is local gossip, what's in the news, people talking endlessly about themselves and/or what's on telly, and I've no interest in any of that.  Nothing wrong with that.  I'm just not with like minded people.

So it's been one of those situations again where a lot has come to light, and it's good.  It's funny but years ago something would suddenly make sense and I'd feel euphoric.  Now it feels less exciting.  Just more along the lines of, "oh.  So that's how that bit works".  But it's good.  Little by little it's all making sense.

lighter

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Re: Checking In
« Reply #39 on: June 28, 2024, 05:46:44 PM »
Really good insights, Tupp.  Astonishing how perspective changes everything.

Hopalong

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Re: Checking In
« Reply #40 on: June 28, 2024, 07:13:24 PM »
Tupp, you are an insight MACHINE!

I followed everything you said closely and it all made such sense.
Both your awarenesses of how your old reflexes can trip you up, and how your newer identity doesn't cooperate with the over-cooperative "previous Tupp."

What do you plan to CHARGE this woman for the elaborate "favor" she's asked you for?

I loved your awareness that you said "Sure!" too quickly (old Tupp) and now are thinking about how to limit the burden of the task. I hope you find whatever compromise that will help you either: take care of her pets because you love animals anyway, and/OR: take care of yourself by explaining: "I'm sorry, I didn't realize what a job you were asking me to do, and I can't commit to that."

hugs
Hops

"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Twoapenny

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Re: Checking In
« Reply #41 on: June 29, 2024, 06:28:53 AM »
Really good insights, Tupp.  Astonishing how perspective changes everything.

Definitely the change in perspective, Lighter, it just takes out the charge behind everything.  Still took me a few days to figure it out but practise, right?  Slowly but surely :) xx

Twoapenny

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Re: Checking In
« Reply #42 on: June 29, 2024, 06:34:50 AM »
Tupp, you are an insight MACHINE!

I followed everything you said closely and it all made such sense.
Both your awarenesses of how your old reflexes can trip you up, and how your newer identity doesn't cooperate with the over-cooperative "previous Tupp."

What do you plan to CHARGE this woman for the elaborate "favor" she's asked you for?

I loved your awareness that you said "Sure!" too quickly (old Tupp) and now are thinking about how to limit the burden of the task. I hope you find whatever compromise that will help you either: take care of her pets because you love animals anyway, and/OR: take care of yourself by explaining: "I'm sorry, I didn't realize what a job you were asking me to do, and I can't commit to that."

hugs
Hops

No charge, Hops, because I'm not doing it, I'll tell her next week.  I think the other thing that tripped me up is that my mum used to do this; guilt me into pet sitting for her because it was so expensive to pay for pet sitters/they didn't look after them properly/ they work so hard they deserve a holiday and they can't afford one if they have to pay for pet care etc.  This has elements of that in it, how expensive it is to pay for kennels, how busy they are in the holidays so it's hard to find spaces.  All of which is true, which is why the cost of the cattery is the first part of any trip away I calculate and i book the cattery space at the same time as I book our accommodation so i know it's all done and costed.  They've had this holiday booked for over a year, that's why it didn't occur to me it was this she was talking about as I'd have presumed she'd have had the pet care sorted out ages ago.

What it has drilled into me is that I need to stop assuming everyone thinks the way that I do and check details before I agree to anything, and practise that "I'll need to check and get back to you" phrase.  I think she just caught me off guard and my mouth worked quicker than my brain :)  Lol.  It's no biggy, I just like getting to a point where these things finally make sense to me and I feel like I can adjust myself and do it better next time.  I'm aiming for a life with relatively few bumps in the road!  Lol x

Hopalong

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Re: Checking In
« Reply #43 on: July 01, 2024, 08:03:39 PM »
I dunno if the sun is shining today in Scotland, Tupp, but I feel the rays and hope it is.

I'm just so tickled by your post, which sounds so calm, unfreaked out, rational and centered. Especially centered. In yourself, not in a tizzy over somebody else's presumption or overreach.

Just you being healthy you, setting a boundary comfortably, taking care of yourself comfortably.

LOVE IT!

hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Twoapenny

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Re: Checking In
« Reply #44 on: July 03, 2024, 03:46:42 AM »
I dunno if the sun is shining today in Scotland, Tupp, but I feel the rays and hope it is.

I'm just so tickled by your post, which sounds so calm, unfreaked out, rational and centered. Especially centered. In yourself, not in a tizzy over somebody else's presumption or overreach.

Just you being healthy you, setting a boundary comfortably, taking care of yourself comfortably.

LOVE IT!

hugs
Hops

No sunshine, Hops, it's cold and wet :)  It is nice not endlessly questioning myself about what's okay and what isn't.  Having that feeling of well, it's not okay for me, and that being the end of it.  And looking for ways to avoid the situation again, where possible.  Going over to tell her later today.  May or may not be a little white lie - I'm not quite at the point of being confident enough to say, sorry, I misunderstood what I was being asked and wouldn't have agreed at the time if I'd realised.  That is the next step, I guess.  But for now I will be telling her we are unlikely to be here ourselves at that time, which is true.  It's not definite but I don't want to be committed to someone else's pets, I do want to not be here if that opportunity comes up (which it might, I'm waiting to hear from someone).

In other news, we had someone come and view the house yesterday.  I was feeling very anxious beforehand and thinking should I offer them lunch/drinks/snacks as they had driven a long way.  Also worrying about the house itself, was it tidy enough, was the garden neat enough.  Then my son, what should I tell him/them, what shall I do about the cat.  Long list of questions to myself.  Thought about it and realised my social anxiety stems, of course, from my mum, and the endless criticism of everyone and everything, all the time.  For me, any kind of interaction with people is an invitation to them to criticise everything about me.  So I put on a persona; it's not even about me doing everything 'right', it's about creating someone else to do everything so if there is criticism, it's not me personally being criticised.  Even now I'm only just seeing how much damage was done when i was a child.

So - I reminded myself that most people are not like my mum and, if they are, they are not people to listen to or take notice of.  The people arrived, I did not offer them anything, I tried not to 'fawn' (I have been reading about this, this people pleasing of being so nice there's no room for a single negative thought from anybody and I do it ALL THE BLOOMIN TIME).  So I did none of that, I was polite, showed them around, answered their questions.  They are, of course, nice people and there is no need to go into over the top, full on perfection mode because most people don't need or want that and those who do are best avoided.

We are looking to move, as much as we love it here the workload for me on my own is huge and I can't do it.  I have exhausted all avenues of support and been told no.  I collapsed at the weekend, my back went and I ended up on the floor, unable to move.  What kept going through my mind was what would happen if I end up unable to drive/walk/lift/manage stairs, all of which are essential, all of which, for a brief time at the weekend, I couldn't do, and all of which I am doing now but only with the aid of painkillers and gritted teeth.  So we do need to be closer to facilities, public transport and more healthcare specialists (very thin on the ground here).  Fortunately as we're in local authority housing we can swap with another household which makes it quite cheap to do; the people who visited have a single storey home near a bus route which in turn is near a decent sized town with a reasonable amount going on.  So we're waiting to hear if they want to go ahead and if they do, we'll be able to move quite quickly.  We'll see what happens.  It's a shame but reality is what it is and there's no point pretending otherwise x