Checking In

[sKePTiKal]

What are your plans for the mum paperwork, when you're done reviewing & sorting Tupp?

[Twoapenny]

No plans for that, Skep.  My original intention was to sort through the paperwork with a view to putting together a document regarding my son, so that all the useful and necessary information is in one place, easy to read and simple to use.  So my plan was to scan documents, then pick out what was most useful and relevant and put that information in one document, with a link to the original so it's easy to find if needed (I'm thinking if I get hit by a bus scenario because no-one's going to wade through hundreds of pieces of paper looking for specific details and likely a lot of important stuff will get overlooked.

The mum paperwork was an unexpected side effect of that; I'd honestly thought all this time that almost all of the paperwork was relevant to my son but it's now clear that's not the case.  So I'm sticking to my original remit and working through what I need for him and getting that put together.  Everything else is put to one side for now; I'll deal with it when I feel the time is right for me.  She's not dictating anything anymore and all the stuff that's connected to her can wait until I've done everything I want to do.  It's just been a nice feeling for it to become clear that there is really something very wrong with her  At times I've thought it more personality clash, she's a product of her environment type of thing.  But going through it from the beginning, in a calm, non-stressed situation (ie not fighting a bunch of malicious allegations) it's clear that there's something about her that's unhinged and she's way beyond 'difficult'.  So for not I'm enjoying how easy a scanner makes everything to do; I can search for specific words, phrases and dates, cut and paste what I need into the new document, insert a link to the original document and then just press save.  Next step is the shredder   Lol

[lighter]

Hi, Tupp:  Sorry you're still going through boxes and trying to put together a cohesive document with every important THING in one place. I understand how imperative that feels, esp for you with your darling boy. 

It's good you and your sister are connecting.  I don't understand why the chit chat is so upsetting and the deeper stuff brings calm communication, but I'm glad that's brought some peace.

As for your mum's protective parts........I'm reminded of Mud's words......"There's no making sense of nonsensical PD behaviors that will never make sense."  I'm paraphrasing, but there's a bit of peace in there.  Whatever drives your mother... whatever fears and shame and installed software bounces around her head, it makes her dangerous to those who venture near,. IME.

I was reminded how powerful inner belief systems are when you posted you believe your mother's motives are likely about herself and nothing to do with you..... but for years your fears about your abilities and mental health kicked in and you assumed her motives were about saving or helping your son. 

My T said toxic words and attacks from others have zero power over us UNLESS we buy into them, even a speck's worth.  I have to assume someone put fear and shame in your child/mother's software and she's spent a lifetime lashing out to prove it isn't HER with problems.... so it has to be everyone else, right?

Your mum had no ability to self reflect.... her damaged/protective inner children believe they won't survive that, IME.  Her disordered thinking compounded and built on itself..... landed on you and your sister and children.

 Your protective and wounded parts believe everthing is YOUR fault..... on some level.... and that makes it easier for you to self reflect and see what's really there.  You're growing and educating yourself.  You're restoring choice and healing generational trauma.I'm not even gonna pronounce that a triumph..... I'm gonna suspend all judgment and let it be what it is. 

Your mother's protective and wounded parts believe everything is someone eles's fault.  She's manufactured a lifetime of false narratives around herself... and I agree with you..... it's all about her.  Nothing to do with you or your son or sister.

Writing that out helps me make peace with difficult things I wrestle with, Tupp.

It helps me release judgment.... more easily....more quickly..... sometimes skip it entirely... and that's turning out to be an important shortcut.

As for the people who believe the PD lies and don't do their jobs..... I've put myself in their shoes, mentally, many times.  It's circular and there are no easy fixes for PDs telling outrageous lies with sincerity and false motives.  I'd be overwhelmed completely in those jobs. 

As long as there's lack of training, education in mental health and abuse.... as long as the pay is low and the demands overwhelming and impossible to meet.... as long as there's lack of accountability and compassion, esp at the top...... this is the reality for people dealing with and stuck in the systems, IME. 

And.... the wounded and protective parts of people working in the system are the easiest to manipulate, IME. 

If I get some distance on it...... I see there are far more people who aren't buying into the PD craziness...... but it's difficult to SEE, bc disproving the PD crazy ATE YEARS OF MY LIFE.  Ate the years I should have been building fairy houses in the woods with my girls.... ate them WHOLE.

Lighter



   

[Hopalong]

Tupp...hon....

I'll just assert something that went GONNNGGGG in my head as I tried to catch up with the thread. (I don't know if it's insight or I've just made it up, but sometimes a thought hits in a certain way.)

I think it's possible that the main reason you were targeted by your broken mother is that she was unconsciously jealous of your stepfather's fixation on you. I started realizing that a lot of what was broken between my mother and me was her discomfort at my closeness to my father (and she was a child of a male abuser). Your stepfather was twisted and evil, but that was attention that you got, and any you got, she didn't. Once he turned his sick attention on you, she was no longer the big magnet at the center of everything. She lost a mjor form of power when he began to abuse you. (And of course you did NOT want his attention, ever.)

I don't know that your mother knew this was happening in her psyche, but I saw some version of that in my Nmother -- didn't understand it for most of my life, until I knew what happened in her childhood. She never left us alone if she could help it, tried to control and dictate my relationship with him, acted threatened if I had lunch with him sometime without her, etc. It was constantly strange, but after I learned more about her childhood from my cousin, it started to fit.

Does that make any sense?

I hate thinking of you carrying around this mountain of documentation of HER craziness, and spending your precious time going through it all once again. But your plan sounds so clear -- winnow it to the core documentation about and for your Son. I hope you won't even re-read (because it sounds like re-experiencing) the mother crap. Maybe it's only her death that will help you let go of her.

I am so sorry you drew her for the mother card, and him for the monster card. But you've played your own game of life vrey well and there's nothing either of them could do now, nothing whatsoever in any shape or form or fantasy, to hurt you again.

And I wish we could all come to the paper bonfire.

hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Thanks, both   Do you know the funniest thing is, I haven't thought about it again.  Any of it.  It's like it just magicked away.  The paperwork will need to be shredded, I think that's safest.  There are companies that do it but I quite like the idea of doing it myself.  But I don't feel any need or desire to deal with it just now, it doesn't feel like a pressing or important job.
My mum's current saga is following its usual pattern of escalation, isn't it funny how the pattern is always the same?  But she can't see it.  And it looks like no-one is giving her the response she needs to carry on in her usual way, I think she's genuinely worn everyone out now.  I almost feel sorry for her; your long trusted coping mechanism (however destructive it may be) not working during what is probably genuinely the most difficult time is hard, we've all been there.  And in some ways I'm very glad I've learnt some of the hard lessons I have earlier on in life, I wouldn't like to have to face reality for the first time in my 80's.  But I honestly don't feel any need to rescue, analyse, ponder, I've almost not thought about her.  Not quite, but very nearly, and she's a whisper of a thought in my head instead of the bloody freight train she usually becomes.  Interestingly I've been less anxious in general.  Some of my anxiety based habits have lessened, not to the point of not being there at all but they've dropped from hard to resist compulsions to feelings of wanting that can be ignored.

So that's where we're at.  The paperwork is done, son's document is almost there, needs a few tweaks and some double checking in places but it's nearly finished.  Son has embarked on a huge clear out of toys, books, games, clothes and anything else that's been shored up in his room for many years.  We're selling what we can, giving away what isn't worth selling and keeping a track of the money coming in so he can see the money for his next adventure adding up Going away camping soon and then hopefully away at least one weekend a month throughout the summer.  The cat doesn't like being left and I feel mean taking him to the cattery but when we left him at home with a neighbour popping in we came home to a forest of dead mice upstairs and that was a grim task after a long car journey!  The house is looking good, the garden's looking good, the weather's nice.  Honestly feel like we haven't got a huge cloud hanging over us for the first time in a very long time and it's a good feeling

[Hopalong]

Glad you are back in the present, (((((Tupp))))). Brava, you.

I'll bet spring in Scotland is amazing. I'm picturing heather, lambs on hillsides, fresh breezes (coastal?) and people with roses in their cheeks.

Hugs
Hops

[Twoapenny]

It is lovely, Hops   I was up very early this morning and sat in the garden drinking my tea and watching the bats flying around

Two interesting things this week; my compulsion to step in and manage other people's feelings for them seems to have left me, and so to has my need to endlessly manage what I say so I don't inadvertently offend anyone.  Someone local to us, an older disabled man we've got to know, had a bit of a situation going on.  I didn't really have any way I could help out, realistically, and for the first time I didn't put myself in a ridiculous situation of over promising or planning some miraculous rescue.  I just said I was sorry it was tough for him (which I am) but that I didn't have anything useful to offer (which was true) and I hoped someone else would be more useful.  I should add he wasn't asking for help, simply telling me what was going on but usually that makes me put my rescue hat on.  Just didn't happen and I only thought about it afterwards because I think it's the first time the feeling that I needed to manage that for someone else didn't come up.

Two situations this week where usually I would be very careful about what I said, but I wasn't.  I wasn't rude and it wasn't an outburst, but again there just wasn't any emotion attached.  I just said what I thought, standing up for myself in both cases, and left it there.  Haven't spent endless amounts of time mithering over whether I did or said the right thing, or justifying it to myself in my head either.  It just was, and that was that.

And on the back of that, an old friend turned up unexpectedly, I got a call early yesterday to say he'd be driving through later in the day and were we home.  Said yes, genuinely pleased to see him, but too many memories of old life.  Weed smoke (you can smell it on him), drinking (the smell and the talking about oneself - I hadn't realised before the reason I've spent so much time listening to others wang on is because drunk people just talk with no regard for who else is there) and a realisation that we don't actually have much in common and two hours was more than enough time to catch up.  Didn't feel bad about telling him I was wanting to go to bed, told him he was welcome to use the house as he wanted to and then I went off and left him to it.  Woke up this morning not feeling at all bad about being a less than gracious host and wanting to get on with the day.

Amazing.  Keep wondering if this is how some people feel throughout their lives and if that's why it seems so much easier for them.  Hoping it continues.  Hope pup is doing well! xx

[Hopalong]

Wow! I can feel your solidity and balance...what a good day that was. It does feel amazing when simple steps or internal shifts produce that feeling of "I am okay and it feels uncomplicated." You actually turned off the self-criticism. Brava.

Meanwhile, I turned cartwheels over delightful language things:
"mithering" and
"wang on"

Pup is a maniac. And so cute that my friend visiting brought him a basket of presents. She also brought her gorgeous elderly collie who was very intrigued until he began treating her like a jungle gym. He finally took a nap on her lovely tail. Amazed me how sweet and patient the old achy dog was with his bananas energy.

My house is an absolute wreck but he and I have settled into a pretty good routine. I still spend too much time waiting for the magic tidyup fairy. And the housetraining fairy. He's trying. Another dog-obsessed friend advised me that it really helps to behave like a demented cheerleader whenever he hits the right spot (puppy pad not just off it or in his blankie). Being a praise factory is actually good for my mental health. I'm so enthusiastic he looks at me like I've lost my mind, but it does appear to help him notice what he did right.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Puppies are assimilating so much new knowlege so fast every day, that it takes them a while to process all that stuff, Hops. That's one reason they take so many naps. And why training needs to be consistent. Even the words you use! Hol's 70 lb puppy is the same way - and that is a LOT more chaos inside than us old farts can manage. But Kiri makes up for it by being sweet.

[Hopalong]

I agree, Amber. All the puppies I've known have needed loads of sleep and patience and love and time. I'm certainly giving Pup all that...just enjoy writing some hyperbole about how it all feels right now. I'm smitten with him and he's very bright. We're bonding big.

Most of all, he's FUNNY. He doesn't have to try...his little face is all by itself hilarious. He looks like an old Prussian soldier with mutton chops. Then there's the long torso, and a wonderful curled up tail with a white tip. White paws, and a funny off-center white blaze on his head that somehow makes him look like a rocker. Dog parts from outer space all came together to make him something adorable.

We'll be starting puppy class within about a month, there's a great one here.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

It is lovely, Hops   I was up very early this morning and sat in the garden drinking my tea and watching the bats flying around

Two interesting things this week; my compulsion to step in and manage other people's feelings for them seems to have left me, and so to has my need to endlessly manage what I say so I don't inadvertently offend anyone.  Someone local to us, an older disabled man we've got to know, had a bit of a situation going on.  I didn't really have any way I could help out, realistically, and for the first time I didn't put myself in a ridiculous situation of over promising or planning some miraculous rescue. I see it like this... It's not so much new feelings or a new way of being.  It's more....things falling off.  Falling away. Paring you down to who you truly are, IME. I just said I was sorry it was tough for him (which I am) but that I didn't have anything useful to offer (which was true) and I hoped someone else would be more useful.  I should add he wasn't asking for help, simply telling me what was going on but usually that makes me put my rescue hat on.  Just didn't happen and I only thought about it afterwards because I think it's the first time the feeling that I needed to manage that for someone else didn't come up.
I believe helping and being helpful is an honorable way to live.  When there's no choice ... that's the glitch, IME.  The helpful hat you wore was sewn to your head by broken people.  Now it sits gently in your kind lap.  Available and willing, but now with discernment and choice.  Resting.

Two situations this week where usually I would be very careful about what I said, but I wasn't.  I wasn't rude and it wasn't an outburst, but again there just wasn't any emotion attached.  I just said what I thought, standing up for myself in both cases, and left it there.  Haven't spent endless amounts of time mithering over whether I did or said the right thing, or justifying it to myself in my head either.  It just was, and that was that.  I suspect you've acquired enough distance and perspective to feel what's real, what's threat, what's not....to feel it in your Nervous System and bones.  I also suspect you're sure you'll handle whatever comes your way, bc you always have.  You always will.  That's your truth and there comes a point where the doubt and fear, installed by others, pass away, IME.

And on the back of that, an old friend turned up unexpectedly, I got a call early yesterday to say he'd be driving through later in the day and were we home.  Said yes, genuinely pleased to see him, but too many memories of old life.  Weed smoke (you can smell it on him), drinking (the smell and the talking about oneself - I hadn't realised before the reason I've spent so much time listening to others wang on is because drunk people just talk with no regard for who else is there) and a realisation that we don't actually have much in common and two hours was more than enough time to catch up.  Didn't feel bad about telling him I was wanting to go to bed, told him he was welcome to use the house as he wanted to and then I went off and left him to it.  Woke up this morning not feeling at all bad about being a less than gracious host and wanting to get on with the day.  I'm glad feeling bad for not perfectly meeting the needs of all others fell away too, Tupp.  It leaves room to remember joy, confidence, clarity and, mostly, choice.

Amazing.  Keep wondering if this is how some people feel throughout their lives and if that's why it seems so much easier for them. I think there's truth in that thought, Tupp. Hoping it continues. Believe it's permanent.  Changes like this are, IME.
Hope pup is doing well! xx

[Twoapenny]

The pup sounds really lovely, Hops   They are crazy but I love the way they rush around and then just fall asleep, it's so cute.  Fingers crossed your deranged cheerleading tactic is working lol.  There's worse things to be in life

Thanks, Lighter, I am nodding Yes, things falling away.  They're all defences of some kind, aren't they, built up around us to keep parts of ourselves safe and then we've had them for so long we don't realise they aren't really part of who we are, they're part of who we had to become.  It's like seeing a lot of things for the first time and, yes, just being more realistic about what we can do for others without neglecting ourselves or those closest to us.

I think with regard to potential threats now - I kind of feel well what else can anyone throw at us?  We've got through friends and family members leaving/abandoning/ending relationships over simple boundary requests or the word 'no'.  We've survived years of lies and falsehood.  We've got through two decades of 24 hour care without enough outside help for it to be any real use.  We've managed years on a low income, multiple house moves, abusive neighbours and general bigotry.  And we're still here.  What else can anyone do?  I am like a cockroach lol.  And with regard to the old friend turning up, my only lesson there, I think, is that I was too casual in my boundaries by allowing him to visit.  I should have just said no straight away but didn't really think about it.  That's a lesson for next time, but an easy one to remember.  All is good   Hope all is well with you, Lighter xx

[lighter]

I'm ok, Tupp.  Spending Memorial Day weekend at the lake....doing projects.  Waiting for original contractor to show, but mostly not show.  He stood me up today, in fact. Again.

It's a challenging pleasure to make meals out of what's on hand....frozen white chicken chili this evening.  Just me to feed, so zero pressure.  My oldest niece is approaching food this way in her new self care regime.  Gratitude in honoring ingredients.  Nothing processed or wasted.

The weather's nice.  It's peaceful, but my ears interpret silence as unpleasant pressure.  I don't like it. 

Last night I noticed an easy dialogue between me and my younger self.  Short, but I recognized it at once.

"Let's brush and floss."
"Ok."

Such a calm moment of ease, safety....trust.

Like... release from a strong current I didn't realize I was swimming in. 

If I'm judging, at all, it's more difficult to see what's there.  If I'm in fight or flight.... I'm back on the pebble and it's not a question of escaping the pebble completely.  Nope.  It happens. Happened today, in fact and I let it carry me a good ways into the current, scraping along the pebbles..... understanding it, but leaning in.  In that moment, I registered being reactive.  I didn't register choice.  It's a difficult thing.

There are strategies for escaping rip tides, same as escaping pebbles.  Do it enough......
one day....
knowing/responsiveness replaces fear and fight or flight more often than not.  But there's still gonna be sticky pebbles, IME.

Escape or things falling away? 

Both and neither.  Like a stupid trap....we believe we're trapped without understanding the trap never existed anywhere but in our mind, bc we believe. 

::uncrossing eyes::.

Sometimes this journey feels like the movie Inception.
What's real? 
What's belief? 
What's someone else's belief, about us, stuck inside our unconscious beliefs about someone we believe is us, but never was?
Or something we pretended in order to be safe, then forgot it was just pretend.


Anyhoo, trust yourself and stand in your boundaries, ((Tupp.)) Next time you won't need to think about saying No, me'thinks.

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

I think what's real and what's belief always crosses back and forth.  It's picking out when it's helpful and when it isn't that's more difficult, I think.

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.  Do you know, I didn't even consider saying no, we've not had any kind of social visit for over four years now.  We see 'professionals' or we see people we go to.  No-one comes to us.  So it didn't occur to me it might not go well, I'd forgotten how ridiculous some people can be and I realised how comfortable I am with our routine and the way we do things.  The mess he left in the bathroom, bits of tobacco on the kitchen table, coffee cup and beer cans left by the sofa, I don't do things like that, my son doesn't do things like that, to my mind no fully grown adult behaves like that.  It's left me raging all week, that lack of respect for another person's home, lifestyle, comfort, security.  I don't have people like that in my life any more and I'd forgotten that there was a time when everyone I knew was like that.  He was an unpleasant reminder.  He messaged yesterday, wanting to stay again.  I said no, without explanation, he asked why and I ignored him.  If he pesters I will use the block function   No desire to fix, communicate, be nice or interact in any way.  I'm just done with all of it xx

[Twoapenny]

Do you know, after I'd written that I kept thinking about things and I started to wonder if some part of me keeps certain people around in some way because I feel superior to them?  if they're inconsiderate, selfish, lazy etc, I can feel better about myself because I'm not those things.  Is there something in those connections that I benefit from in an unhealthy way.  I kept wondering why I said yes to him coming over the first time and initially I thought it was because it would be nice to have company instead of being on my own.  But I like my own company, I don't really enjoy having others around for too long and he'd have had to have had a lobotomy to have undergone any drastic personality changes since I last saw him many years ago.  I know enough from other people he's the same now as he always was.  So I do wonder if a part of me sees an opportunity to show how much better I am than some of these people.  My mum's patterns have made me very vigilent of my own.  She creates drama, she can't do nice, normal, easy.  Am I the same?  Manifests in a different way but are the underlying themes there?  Hmmm.  From now on people need to be either useful, interesting or funny.  Dysfunction needs to be gone, my dysfunction needs to be gone.  Other people need to show they are one of those things before the drawbridge goes down.  Maybe I should get a pet dragon?  Honestly don't know at the moment if I'm having a lot of revelations/insights/understandings, or a breakdown.  Perhaps it's the same thing? xx