Well I have opened a great big can of worms for myself. Lol. I was thinking about it while I joyfully danced around the kitchen joyfully cooking dinner and wondering about it all. And of course, it all came rushing back. I think this is why this stuff is so hard, you never know when you're going to let something out and you don't know what it's going to be or how it will affect you - or those around you, by default.
No memories of any joyful adults, ever. No memory of joy being encouraged. Anything I liked doing was mocked or criticised. No simple pleasures - no memories of playing in a sand pit or being pushed on a swing, cuddling up for a story, anything like that. Warnings not to be 'too much'. No real opportunities when young, no money, no effort on the part of parents to do anything with us. More sinister when getting older - 'joyful' behaviour around step-father excited him and we know what happened after that so that had to stop. Similarly with men in general, any signs of enjoyment seemed to be read as wanting sex or sexual attention - dancing, laughing, chatting. Always had to be on the look out and watching your back. Criticisms and/or lack of encouragement for things I enjoyed doing and maybe could have become good at if I'd had a bit of support when practising. Having a wide circle of friends who mocked others who showed signs of enjoyment. Why did I do that? Why did I get in with people like that? Critical of the things others enjoy. Silly of me. It's what felt familiar, I suppose. Mental health problems, and any sign of enjoyment from me was taken as evidence I didn't feel as bad as I said I did. Likewise re sexual abuse, any sign of interest in men or enjoyment of sex and it obviously couldn't have affected me that much. Probably lying. And with my son over the years, any joy or pleasure on my part seemed to diminish? his disabilities or care requirements in other people's eyes. Even just recently, he had a medical appointment, there's an assessment I think he should have, he needs a referral. Spoke to the doctor about it and his comment was 'well he seems happy enough'. I first heard that 19 years ago when I first raised concerns about his development. Isn't it an odd thing to say, from a doctor as well? That if you're happy you can't be ill? Or need any kind of test or assessment to see if more could be done to help you? Isn't that weird.
Anyway. It's a long list. I've worn myself out thinking about it. But it makes sense. Of course I haven't experienced joy. But now - I can find it in everything
I'm off to joyfully tidy the kitchen and then I'm going to joyfully go to bed
xx
