Play Hookey

[Meh]

Well after many months of showing up and being dependable at my job I called in sick today. I was not sick. But I have about a weeks worth of sick time built up and if there is one thing I have learned from all my previous jobs 1) use that time up because one very well may see it just go poof 2) coworkers might feel the burden when you are not at work and that could be good or bad. 3) My boss leaves work early all the time and is doing personal stuff during the day all the time and so are my coworkers... and my coworkers call in sick a lot. I needed to shrug off the feeling of burden and responsibility because I am NOT making a living wage and I don't own the business. Lots of times I work through my breaks and I am covering for my coworkers while they goof off and hang out. If only I could just journal at work or something. My boss when she fills in for us her underlings says how brain dead she is at the end of the day because it's detailed work with non stop interruptions. WAS IT an act of agency to call in sick I don't know.

I got very little done today. I sort of had a personal emergency. I still got very little done.

I came across an idea somehow of PASSIVE ENDURANCE. Frankly I think this meshes in with the idea of depression and yet I've NEVER heard anybody talk about passive endurance. Reminds me of mules. Domesticated beasts just stuck doing people's shit.

The job is a service job that focuses on people and it's very busy and you know meant to be one of those multi tasking things which I do not excel at.

So that is it. I've named this real problem of passive endurance. Can't slap the label resilient on that. Because it's not really resilient it doesn't feel resilient. I think I am too tired to have any more thoughts about it. Oh the other thought is how it is so easy to go off track and totally forget the big picture. My job isn't just part of my life... everything I am doing is revolving around the job AND that IS a problem. It's also logistical issues of why this is the case.

I didn't want to call in sick but some part of me just had to be like you know what I don't have to. I don't have to try to be perfect. Look I don't take my job for granted but I get like too wound up in stuff. It's pathetic. But I'm dependent on a job. Money is all there is in life. I don't have a career and I think this must contribute to this passive endurance thing. Doing grunt work that takes up a lot of time but nobody wants to do it. It's not quite the same as being skilled. My boss says how exhausting it is to be fake nice. I feel like I should tell her how exhausting it is to be fake nice, fake rich, fake okay. I mean I'm not fake rich I just always feel judged like one of the directors/owners looked at me up and down with my stupid thrift store jcrew blouse on and all I could think was "LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE" my hair is not flat. It's not. I have frizzy fucking hair and yeah I am tired of having a job where you have to look good. I want a job where I can look like crap because you know what a lot of people look like crap. I guess I applied for the wrong job though it's not like I can be that picky. I got some fake gold earrings that look like round disc gold nugget things. Kind of cheap and slightly tacky looking. Not sure why I am reflecting upon my fakeness. Probably has more to do with how I am really feeling not okay in my personal life but I don't know what to do about it.

I'm rambling aimlessly.

Maybe if I just see my time at work AS two blocks of four hours. Maybe if I just see it as they are paying me for my time and they are paying me to do certain tasks but some of it's NOT written. I've habitually almost taken on more than I have to perhaps.

Then there is some kind of weird nepotism going on but eh what do I care.

My stupid job is not supposed to take over my entire life. That doesn't happen to other people they just don't care that much.

Maybe I should take my cellphone to my work station like my coworkers do. There is nothing happening on my cellphone it barely works but if I could just kind of hunch over and tune my coworkers out while also doing less than I normally do then I would be doing exactly what they do. But there is nothing I want to do on my phone. I'm not a phone person. I don't know.

The point is I have to stop passively enduring everything forever.

There is no point. I can see that if I leave this job my coworkers probably won't have anything positive to say about me.

[Hopalong]

Really good to hear your voice, Meh!

I'm glad, so glad, you took a sick day and I think mental health is about taking care of yourself. Recognizing your deep fatigue and granting yourself an extra day of rest sounds sane and responsible to me.

Sorry the job is so unfulfilling, and I like the idea of passive endurance. Sometimes that's what gets us through.

You sound clear. Making choices. Accepting gravity.

I think the endurance it takes for many, many people to keep on going is something like learning to float. Floating on the surf of it. The surface. So a tedious, underpaid job doesn't suck you all the way under.

Maybe passive endurance is just a survival instinct. There's real dignity in it, is all I know.

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