the way forward...?

[les]

Hi everyone,

Hello again to you all. I would appreciate your advice on the matter of what to do with an old N mother.

Christmas day was so revealling. My mother brought a friend (who has 3 grown daughters of her own but is alienated from them by the sounds of it) This friend was loud and charming and had NM steaming with jealousy throughout the night.  "Well, isn't SHE the life of the party!!" "Look at that, she never shuts up." "Doesn't she think she's something." "Well, I had NO idea she was this freindly." and on and on to every relative there.  Her friend's energy and dynamism seemed to emphasize my 91 year old NM's diminishing vigor and ability to be the centre of attention.  According to reports from others she would rudely interrupt any conversation in an attempt to get it focused on her. Full colours flying

This morning my husband and I sat down to make a plan under headings of Understand that...Be resolved that.... Action... We see NM slipping, we see her desperation, her wide eye terror really ("I'm so afraid', she kept saying to me) She seems unable to get passed the need to be how she was as a younger woman no matter how much praise and reassurance is offered by people. Basically she is in fine shape for 91 but all she can see is the slippage.

I wonder - is there any way to reach people with NPD? Is trying to help her accept the natural changes of old age useless (it would seem so) I worry and wonder what might happen to her in a Retirement Home -if she bombs out there (as did my grandmother, several times) we might be the last option.  She talks about retirement homes but the beautiful one she saw
filled her with disgust - all those old people with walkers.  I am afraid we may get left holding the "baby"  She has always said to me,"Don't let THAT
happen to me! (meaning don't stick me in a home) But I have also told her that we couldn't live together.  I think she thinks I will outgrow this petulance and let her in.  Just confused at this point but working towards clarity I hope.  How to take care of all these needs and not be gobbled up in the process - the age old question I guess. thanks for listening!

Les

[OnlyMe]

Walls Up!  Glass dome surrounding you!
Your home is not an option, period.  Your life and your home are sacred, and your safe place, and no matter what, your home is not available to anyone who does not respect you and your life in it.  That is the one place where you are free to be YOU, and it is time for you to be free to be all that You Are.
Your NMother is grasping for help, and she knows that you are a kind soul, and she hopes that you will crumble.  But, there is a big world out there, a wide variety of places for her, many long-term places both private and public (we had to move my NDad around three times because he could not be happy in any of them - and then he just stopped eating....and died - lost Control - but that was his choice, no guilt here...). Furthermore, you are not her only child, you just happen to be the only compassionate one.
So, (((Les))) that is my emotional response to your situation.  Protect Yourself and your home....
~onlyme

[flower]

Hi Les,

(((Les))) From my perspective, I agree with OnlyMe about protecting your home and yourself. You'll probably need the sanctuary of your home just to renew yourself to deal with her living somewhere else.

Just my two cents.
Take care,
flower

[les]

Thank you Only Me and Flower.  Plexi- glass dome over entire house as we speak.  It is so important to hear such firm unwavering advice. No wiggle room here. I can't believe I get to a point where I think I must entertain the idea.  I start with - Well, this is my mother... So the first entry husband and I have put under the 'Reslove' heading -is, resolve that NM must never move in to this house. I realized at Christmas dinner that I feel panicky even when I am  in the same room as NM. My sister-in-law kindly sat us at opposite ends of the table.

Home as sanctuary, home as sacred - yes, I need to more fully understand this. thanks  

There will come a time I think when I will be choosing very obviously, my life over hers, by putting her in a home -putting my needs so clearly ahead of hers. I feel like I should be further along on here  but this really hangs me up.  It will be so clear then. I guess there are no"perfect" solutions only workable ones.

Good to hear your strong clear voices!

Les

[bludie]

Les,
Even though we champion each other in taking care of ourselves and not reverting back to situations that we know will harm us, it still isn't easy to sift through this stuff.

I have chosen some distance with ALL of my family right now for reasons too lengthy to get into...suffice it to say that my deceased N-Dad did a bang-up job of divide and conquer. He made his mark and it has wreaked havoc on my entire family in subtle and not-so-subtle ways.

Thank you for sharing and good luck in looking at/dealing with this situation with your N-mother. And as flower and onlyrenting1 suggested, keeping your home as a sanctuary will fortify you in between visits. Hopefully you (and your N-Mom) can have better interactions with some distance and space in between.

[les]

Thanks Bludie ... yes I need to remember that an NM in my house would mean emotional chaos day and night - whereas distance and space from her whether she is in her apt. or in a Home would allow us to interact civilly for short periods of time.  This really is the only option..how I lose sight of that I don't know.

The divide and conquer routine is so damaging to family relationships. In my family it feels like we are just poking our heads up now like frightened gophers and assessing what really happened.  At least there is a name-NPD and a pattern that makes the story a little easier to unravel. I wish you well in your recovery Bludie.
Les

[flower]

..how I lose sight of that I don't know.

Hi Les, Bludie, OnlyMe and others,

In my case, I lose sight in intervals of the clarity of the rightness of my decision in regard to my Nmom . I'm not quite sure of the internal mechanism, but I think it has to do with how I was trained by Nmom being interwoven in my emotions and my sense of duty.  IMO This is just part of our struggle with having an N parent or any relationship with a N. It seems that this losing sight is why we need support. I appreciate the support you and others have given me here on the board.

 In my growing up family, the alpha N was my mom. Bludie, it looks like in the case of your family your dad was the alpha N from what you write here.  It seems that would be really hard as well to have the dad be the main N. Seems a bit frightening as I imagine it now.

flower