I have been reading many of these threads, including responses to my own (Helping my kids) and am overwhelmed with a sense of kinship with many of you.
I have found a similarity in a lot of these posts. It is not some coincidence at all, but a simple thing. We, the "ex's of N's" are healers, for the most part. I would be willing to bet most of you, like me, are the kind of people that wouldn't hurt a fly. We care more about others' feelings than anything, including our own (but we are working our way out of that, aren't we?). We attracted N's because of our innate abilities to feel for others, and actually take thier pain for them. We are probably targets of our ex-N's still , as they cannot see why we won't do that for them anymore.
In this whole process, perhaps accentuated by religious training, family dynamics, life experiences, etc, we have lost our "seniority" over life. The result being that although we take the pain, we are not sure what to do with it, and it becomes who we are, the true self becoming lost under it.
There are very few places, religious trainings, self help books, traditional therapists, that help us to LET GO of this pain we so naturally attract.
There is a distinction here I would like to make: energetically speaking, we can also "attract" to us negativity especially if our core values about ourselves are so scewed that we are perpetual victims. I no longer am that, and every day I affirm that with my intention (lots of work) however, I realize that my true self is indeed a healer of sorts (by career, I am a teacher, no surprise there).
So in accepting this, I now see that people come to me, are presented to me, seek me out, because of that. Since I learned that my life is a choice, always, every day, and that my life and my life circumstances are two very different things, I have learned how to "drop" and transform this negative energy for myself, thus it would seem I attract souls whose only wish is to either learn how to do that for themselves (the ultimate in helping others is to teach them to do it for themselves), or to simply ask me to alleviate thier pain for them by taking it away for a bit (the "dumping or venting").
Certainly, as we all know, this "dumping" is temporary, for if they do not learn how to let go of thier own pain, they will be back, either ready to request more constructive help of you, or they will keep dumping on you repeatedly, as an addictive behavior. No it isn't healthy to be someone's addiction is it? (hey, we've learned that one, huh?)
This is where the "boundaries" come in. I have learned to trust myself with this. If I put "out there" (to the universe, God, whatever) that it is my intention to learn what those boundaries are, without malice of ego serving or vindictiveness (I work on that all the time with ex), I usually get a response... Either the person no longer wishes to talk to me, or the person actively attempts to learn and grow from thier pain, which is why pain exists for us in the first place and I am happy to share what I know and encourage them to seek this for themselves.
Whew! So after this long explaination I encourage you to trust yourself most of all, because you are sought truly because of your ablilities and kindness, not because you are a sap and doormat ( that's the ex N victim talking... that's not who you are).
WE are all perfect as our true selves, even the N's who have hurt us, and we all have a chance to find that out on this path.
As far as the "arrogance" of "fixing" others, (was it on this post or another?), I understand what you are saying, but I encourage you to be kinder to yourself. This negative self criticism only encourages a poor vision of yourself. So what if you thought you could heal people and didn't? Nobody can really heal anyone else, it is all intenal. May be that's what you meant. Let go of that image of yourself....is it constructive to hang onto that? If you have let it go, good for you!!!
