Is my mother N ?

[ZsaZsas]

I have just come to a revelation that my mother is a N, I think. This happened by chance talking w/a friend about her husband and I applied what I heard to my mother....what do you think...Some background on me: Mother is a musician ....got prego w/me while still married to husband #1...adoption agancy was in the hospital room to take me...but someone changed her mind....I've always felt like an inconvenience to her as far back as I can remember....she would have me and my sister frequently beat for waking her up or other horrible things ( in her opinion) by my 374lb father. I remember one of my 1st beatings b/c I tripped up the steps and  fell down 2 of them...I had just turned 3...he held me by the throat and shoved my body thru the threshold of the front door and by the force of it tore my new dress b/c they told me to walk up the steps......

In 1st grade, my teacher would make me sit with a dunce cap on or take my desk in the hall or visit the principal..for what I can't remember....I never told my mom. until I was in my 30's..she asked me why I never told her.....well I didn't have the nerve to say.."you never made me feel like I could tell you anything!"I falled 1st grade but didn't have any problems the 2nd x arround(diff. teacher)...no caps or desk in the hall and no principals office....hummmm! I was always involved in theater and synchronized swimming as well as chorus...but whenever a concert or a water show would come aroung...she would say..."do I really have to go to another h2o show or concert!" Inconvenience!

"Mom, how do you spell"......." go get the dictionary" she couldn't be bothered even helping me with my homework! She also can't function in a crowd unless she's on the bandstand!

When I was 18, I met the man I would marry. After 6 weeks, we were engaged! I showed my mother my diamond ring and she said " I figured as much." Sure doesn't make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside!  We had an engagement party...she didn't want to come from the neighbors house b/c she didn't want to be with the "Jewish rat race" (please, no offence to anyone) I never saw this attitude in her when I was growing up...it surfaced that day. I had 2 bridal showers...she didn't show up to either one....the ladies where asking me "where's your mother?" I felt so small. She would'nt help me to pick out my wedding gown saying that "that's your maid of honors job." She didn't come to the rehearsal dinner and came late to the wedding, sat in the back row...sang one song w/the band and left to go play her bass and sing at someone elses wedding! I don't understand her behavior...I was a good kid...no drugs, good grades...no teachers calling the house..only once when I had trouble in 8th grade math....you get the picture...my sister on the ohter hand is a drug addict burnout that has 5 children w/4 different fathers!

During our marriage we decided to start a family after being married for 13 years....I suffered my 1st of 3 m/c. The 1st was after 1&1/2 years of trying...6 weeks. No sympathy. The second took us another 3&1/2 years to conceive only to loose him at 16.5 weeks. That following mothers day, I didn't call her until 7:30 p.m....she said"why did you call so late? your other sisters called at 11:30 a.m....I said " I didn't feel like talking to anyone today" she said "why not?" "b/c it would have been my 1st mothers day." She said "well I had 3 m/c and it took me less time to get over them than your one!" Five years later I had another m/c at 5 weeks. We've been at this for 11.5 years trying to make a baby and she has not been the least bit interested. My husband and I will be married for 25 years this year! We don't ever get an anniversary card from her!

I have just basically stopped talking to her for the past 3 years...I'm no longer trying to get her to notice me or even like me....she is on my mind a lot b/c I always wonder why...what did I do to make her act this way to me..I would love a normal mother daughter relationship but I refuse to go back to the one I've always had with her. I just chalk it up to a mental illness and now, I think I've finally put a name to it after all these years! Sorry for the book....so...do you think mommy dearest is a N?

[Anonymous]

She sounds extremely disturbed. A massive narcissist. Your father isn't any better (possibly worse).

I'm very, very sorry you had to suffer in your childhood. The teacher you had should be in prison. And my condolences on the miscarriages.  

Your mother is seriously destructive. Do you have any surrogate parents who are supportive for you, or a therapist?

bunny

[Anonymous]

zsazsas,

so...do you think mommy dearest is a N?

Don't know. Probably, but not enough info. She's certainly a creep whatever she is. Have you looked at the DSM IV criteria for NPD?  Have a look and see if she has some or all of the characteristics.
 She is certainly selfish and demands attention. Those are N traits. Is she dishonest? Does she unreasonably expect people to do what she tells them? Does she use people and have trouble with interpersonal relationships? Does she always have to be right? She certainly seems to lack empathy. Does she have a grandiose sense of self importance? Does she need to be admired?

she is on my mind a lot b/c I always wonder why...what did I do to make her act this way to me

C'mon, you know you did nothing to make her treat you like this, right? How could a three year old make a mother treat her daughter like that? She has problems that predate you. But they are her problems. You can give them back to her. It hurts not to have a real mom but sometimes it hurts more to try and pretend they are something they're not. Sounds like you have realized that.
Sorry for the m/cs. But it also sounds like you still have time. Often just when people give up they succeed. Another thing that seems to work well is to adopt a child after years of trying naturally. It seems to almost guarantee a full term pregnancy.
By the way I loved your sister Eva in Green Acres. Although I never understood what she saw in that grouch of a husband. Definitely Nish.

mudpuppy

[ZsaZsa]

Thank you for your response! I haven't  seen a therapist since 8th grade...she had me for weeks and said there was nothing wrong w/me...well I didn't tell her everything that went on in my house, it would have only led to another beating.

My husband and I have just moved 1000 miles away from where we called home...we have some wonderfull older neighbors who have taken us under their wing and some great folks from a Bible study we go to...they have made us feel loved...and it does feel nice!

I couldn't tell you what happened to that 1st grade teacher....I went to 7 different schools before 4th grade....don't even remember her name!

Thank you about the m/c's...God has a plan...hopefully before I'm 45!

As far as my father...he never goes out of the way to call me...he will speak to me if I call him, though.

I feel bad for both of them..they have missed out on sharing a nurturing family relationship with us...we are happy together and sometimes I feel guilty that I am happy with this man...but I get over it real quick!

Be well! Zsa

[Anonymous]

By the way as bad as your parents were/are it sounds like you are blessed with a good and faithful husband.
And don't apologize for the book. It does a world of good just to pour it out on the page and cleanse yourself. Write another longer one if you like. A couple of my posts were twice as long as yours, and they didn't kick me out.
There are a lot of good and kind people here who want to know and help you. I know I have been helped tremendously by the understanding and sympathy of people like bunny.
Good night all.

Sorry for the dumb Green Acres joke.

mudpup

[Anonymous]

Good for you and the bible study. You may not have much of an earthly mother and father but you've got the Father that counts.
Now its REALLY good night all.

mudpuppy

[ZsaZsa]

She deff. does need to be admired...and yes, I have caught her in a lie...she blew me off in a restuarant in front of my lady friends ( luckily, I told them of here nature when I saw her in the rest.) I found out later from my older sis. that she said " I treated her like a snob"...treated her like a snob...she never even aknowledged me......All I wanted to do was introduce her to my lady friends...her loss! She also said one time that my cousin would never come to my house again b/c I was upset w/her that her newborn threw up on my rug....huh! Well that's news to me! So I'm guessing she's fitting the bill! I can go to my Maker knowing that I was a good daughter (Honor thy mother and thy father is the hardest one for me!)
Thanks for your response! God Bless, Zsa

[ZsaZsa]

Thanks Bunny and Mudpuppy! I will see you again!

ps, I named my 2 cars Ava and ZsaZsa !after the Gabor sisters...now all I need is Eva! LOL!

[mum]

Zsa Zsa:  Your post was not too long,  it was exactly right.  What a life.  I am sorry there are people like your parents around.  But I'm glad you are.  You seem kind and thoughtful and not at all a big mess, which would be understandable under the circumstances.
I had one miscarriage at 12 weeks.  I was devastated.  I cannot fathom a mother who would not cry just as deeply along side her daughter over that.  You had three.....I am so sorry.
Your mother sounds like a sociopath who certainly did not deserve YOU!  She is perhaps so very damaged, like many, that she will never be able to see that.  It's ok.  As long as you've seen it, you can know it's never been your "fault".  
YOU are amazing.  To come throught that trash into the articulate woman you are is really something.
Thanks for posting.

[Anonymous]

ZsaZsa:

I am very sorry about your lack of a childhood and also nuturing  parents.  Your mother is a truly sad creature.  I caught the Oprah show today and they were discussing the Petereson case with a forensic psychiatrist.  Apparently sociopaths have a very traumatic upbring.  In Peterson's case his mother was the narc......he was an extension of her.....a golden boy. She made him into what he is today.  I am very thankful to see that God has protected you from your narc mother and  has made you into a real survivor.   I am also thankful you have a wonderful husband.

Maybe with God's Grace you will also have a child.  We will pray for that. Please keep posting here and also maybe see a therapist as well.

I was married for 20 some odd years and my family only visited one time.  If there were any other visits, phone calls, gifts etc.........I made them.  Eventually I stopped.    Their indifference was and is still amazing.

Much love Patz

[Anonymous]

ZsaZsa,

ps, I named my 2 cars Ava and ZsaZsa !after the Gabor sisters...now all I need is Eva! LOL!

Gosh I was in love with your sister (Ava that is) when I was a kid and I didn't even know how to spell her name.   I guess it just wasn't meant to be.  
Well at least I gave you an excuse to get a new car!

mudpuppy

[LaBoo2U]

Nina Brown's "Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grownup's Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents" is a good self-help read in general, but her section in the last chapter on giving up your fantasy about a healthy relationship with your Narcissitic parent is very helpful in letting go and grieving the loss of something you can never have. At least I've found it helpful. The biggest lesson I've learned over the years is that it's not (your) fault - it's no one's "fault" really, and that focusing on un-doing and re-doing is just more of the continued assault on your "self" that's been directed on you unfairly your whole life.  The best book I've ever read - EVER - for overcoming damage to the self, is Erich Fromm's "The Art of Loving".  I find that if I focus on LOVING - something solely within my control,  rather than on BEING LOVED, something totally beyond my control,  I can build a healthy self.  It takes practice though after all of these many years of self-denial.

Best wishes in letting go...

[ZsaZsa]

Thank you for all your replys! I will check into the 2 books. I've been smiling alot since last night when I found this site...I feel a sense of relief...there is a name for my mothers behavior! YAY! It's not me! Thank you !!!!

[Anonymous]

ZsaZsa,

I've been smiling alot since last night when I found this site...I feel a sense of relief...there is a name for my mothers behavior! YAY! It's not me! Thank you !!!!

That's neat. You're on your way, ZsaZsa!
   mudpup

[miaxo]

Zsa Zsa

I've been smiling alot since last night when I found this site...I feel a sense of relief...there is a name for my mothers behavior! YAY! It's not me! Thank you !!!!

I had that same lightbulb moment a few months back regarding my ex husband.  It helps to know what it is you are/were dealing with.

I am so sorry about your childhood.  That is so heartbreaking.  Good news is that you are living well now and have faith in the Lord.

Best wishes to you  and your family.

Thanks for sharing.
Mia