Is it normal to feel...

[ZsaZsa]

Like a loaner when you are the product of a N? I never allow myself to bond with many people...I think it's my own defense mechanism to protect my heart from being broken as it has been so much in the past. I feel safer and more in control when I remain casual with people. The only one who knows me well is my wonderful husband. The only other person (outside of my gram, who's with the Lord) that I allowed myself to truly love was my niece..we did everything together...then she was put in a foster home at 8 then back w/her druggy parent and I wasn't allowed contact w/her at all. It was hit and miss when she was 12 w/phone calls ..then we as a family fought hard to get her into a good foster home(since neither one of her burnout parents(my sister) would allow us to raise her)she went in at 15. The foster mom liked my H and I so she said we could visit w/her (against the court orders) Well one day when she was over, I said "I'm going to have to get to know you again...it's been a long time" We started to build our relationship again...then one day she stole from me...a diamond ring and $50. ...I was crushed...my heart was torn out of my chest and stomped on by her....she wouldn't admit that she stole the money or the ring...but sent a card in the mail that said I would owe her a big apology when my $50 bill showed up! Well it came in the same mail! I questioned her on it and she told me to "get over it!" She has been diagnosed as borderline N by her therapist (all kids have to have therapy in foster cacre in NY). This is one of the reasons I find it hard to really get close to anyone other than my H. Am I normal for feeling like this? I'm not anti social I'm just careful with my self. Thanks! Zsa

[Anonymous]

ZsaZsa,

It sounds like your niece was damaged by her druggy parents and foster care. Hence she has attachment problems. As a result she will steal, manipulate, and screw over people she envies. It's not about you. It's about her pathology and what happened to her. I repeat, it's not about you. But you need to have boundaries with her due to her dishonesty.

If you have baseline standards by which you judge people (not judging them harshly, more like discernment), you could probably start trusting more people. It's all about observing behavior and gauging whether or not it stands up to your fundamental standards.

bunny

[October]

This is one of the reasons I find it hard to really get close to anyone other than my H. Am I normal for feeling like this? I'm not anti social I'm just careful with my self. Thanks! Zsa

The important thing about feelings is that you should not try to regulate them; to find out whether they are normal or abnormal, good or bad.  Feelings are allowed.  Whatever you feel is part of you, and in accepting your feelings you accept yourself.  

If you find it hard to trust other people it may be because you are going for 'all or nothing'.  This is very common.  You either trust people or you don't, with no middle ground.  Perhaps you could think about trusting some people just a little, and other people a little more, and a very, very few people absolutely.

Anyone who has been hurt will find it difficult to build up trust in other people again.  This is 'normal', if you want to find that word somewhere.  But you can learn to trust again, bit by bit.

Your niece sounds as if she has had a very difficult time.  She is still very young, and stealing by children is very often - perhaps always - a cry for help.  I am not sure if you are able to see her again, but if you could, and you feel able to tell her that you want her to tell the truth, but that if she does, you will forgive her for stealing from you, because you know that she did it because she is in a lot of pain, then you might be able to rebuild the relationship together.  I think she needs you.  Children have to learn empathy by example; perhaps nobody ever showed her how to care for and about other people.

When children do something like this, very often they are trying to get you to reject them.  It is what she has learned to expect from everyone around  her, and she now expects it from you too.  She is saying, if nobody wants me, then I don't want them either.  If you can show her love instead, you may save her from a great deal of pain, and gain a great deal yourself as well.

However, if you are not able to do this, because you are afraid of getting too involved with an N, then I can understand that.

[miaxo]

Zsa Zsa

I'm not a product of a N but was married to one for seven years.  My experience with N has hardened my heart some.  I have a VERY difficult time trusting others and I am the most suspicious person I know.  


It sounds like you have found a wonderful man who treats you well and would prefer his company to others.  There is nothing wrong with that.  I feel exactly the same way towards my hubby.  So much of my time has been wasted that I now want to focus on the people I know I can trust and who can trust me which consists of my children, husband, Mom, and my brothers.  Of course I have friends and acquaintances but I do enjoy my family time more and have no problems with admitting that.  

So sorry to hear about your niece.  The foster care system is horrid.  In another life I was a social worker and had many young children on my caseload who were in and out of foster and group homes.  I don't think I could name one case where foster care was beneficial to any of them.  As a matter of fact, many children became more abused in these homes (were pulled from their parent's home for physical abuse and ended up being sexually abused in foster care) and as a result they became more disturbed.  I will say a prayer for your niece that she won't continue down the same dark path she is now traveling.

[ZsaZsa]

Thank you for your replys! My niece is now 20 and we haven't spoken in about 3 years...the last was on an instant message when I said to her do you know how much you hurt me?...She did apologies but I don't feel it's sincere or she would have tried to stay in contact with me. This was when I cut myself loose from my N mother b/c she couldn't believe that her grandaughter stole from me even when mommy dearest went to the foster home and got the diamond ring back! We ended up going to my nieces therapist w/the Fmom and my mom and H. The therapist said it would be tough love to teach her..b/c she she didn't feel any remorse for stealing...i.e. no movies, out to dinner,no shopping,etc....the therapist said "don't any of you be the week link"...I knew my mother would be...so when I spoke with her I said "mom, please don't be the week link"....pregnant pause on the phone..............then we ended our conversation w/small talk. I hung the phone up and told my H that my mom was going to cancel Christmas dinner...I had a feeling (this was early Sept. and the only holiday she ever had us over for)....sure enough that Sat. morn I got a mess. on the machine..."this is your mother...your father and I are going out for Christmas dinner this year...so I won't be cooking!!!"   at this point I was done w/ my N mothers attitude and have disassociated myself from her since and feel better daily b/c of it...my niece...I miss her but am afraid she will only hurt me again if I let her back in my life...I grew up w/ enough disfunction that I distance myself from any of it.....Thanks, Zsa

ps my nieces foster mom was an answer to a prayer..she was truly one of the good ones and I thank God she was a part of our lives even if my niece couldn't appreciate her!

[Anonymous]

ZsaZsa,

This is one of the reasons I find it hard to really get close to anyone other than my H. Am I normal for feeling like this?

Well, is it normal for a kid to stear clear of a stove after they touch a hot burner? Sure, its perfectly normal. But at some point he or she might want to learn how to cook.
 So maybe you could look for people at your church or some other area you're comfortable in, to work toward becoming closer to. People who seem stable and have stable seeming friends. You're always going to find warts when you look close enough, but that usually goes both ways, although in a Gabor's case I suppose it would be called a beauty mark.

This all presupposes you want more really close friends. Maybe you just want validation for the way you are. Frankly you seem to be doing fine to me. If you are happy and have a fulfilling life then maybe you could count your blessings not your friends.

As far as your niece, some say that Nism can be reversed at that age with proper therapy and influences. It would obviously require a desire on her part. Doesn't seem to be there at the moment, though. Just don't take it personally, she is quite understandably mad at the world not you.

mudpup

[mum]

Zsa Zsa:
being "close" requires a lot of blind faith sometimes.  There is risk involved.  I have been living proof that one can "unzip" themselves, open up to others, get hurt and survive.  Only you can decide to open.  
I happened to have had a really cool family that supported and supports being open, so my "scaffolding" is pretty much built to do that. If yours was not (duh, huh?) maybe this wonderful husband of yours can serve as your example.  Had you not opened to him, you would not be so in love, it would be superficial, not deep.
There are all kinds of relationships.  Even in my pretty cool family, there are those who I am intimate with (not in a sexual sense obviously....I can hear my daughter going "EWWWW" at the word) and those I have a more reserved relationship with.  And some relationships have changed over time.  But I only learned how the relationships would or could be by being brave.....opening up to everything...even the pain.  Dont' be afraid.  Pain tells us things....and in relationships it tells us whether or not we even want it in our lives!
You don't really have to trust others, here, you have to trust yourself...that you are capable of opening up AND recovering if things don't go as you expect.  You have one really good relationship in your marriage........geez, how many of us can say that?  So you have evidence you CAN be close to people and do it well.
It's all up to you.  Expect things to go well, but if they don't.....it's just not meant to be.  You are fine.  Find comfort in your husband, and move on.

[ZsaZsa]

Thank you! I needed to hear that! I will give the big guy a smooch and then some!

God Bless, Zsa

[Anonymous]

You don't really have to trust others, here, you have to trust yourself...that you are capable of opening up AND recovering if things don't go as you expect.

I think what mum said here is really the key.
LM