fragments of my story

[Portia]

(((Sleepyhead))) just read your posts  

I was never afraid of death, in fact I used to think it was strange to be afraid of death (and there was no religion in my family, so I didn't think I would go to heaven),

Ditto many times over. Remember lying in bed at night trying to imagine ‘not being’ and finding it easy to think about. Was half-way there in a sense I guess.

No job here either but trying. Will work with you any day , and October too  (I’m in the UK too). Always wanted to work with people who simply aren’t self-absorbed sh*ts. It doesn’t matter what the work is so long as there’s some kind of achievement/goal and the people are okay! I know it’s too much to ask.

I was very quiet when I was a kid, it wasn't until I was sixteen that I started actually talking to people (this was at the same time as I got my first real, caring and good friends

Same again. Then I had a series of events in early 20s that led to me virtually whispering at work, people always telling me to speak up, even one-to-one. Voicelessness, sheesh.

So sorry about your mother. So sorry for little sleepyhead in the garden, at school, at ‘home’.

Sorry if I’ve missed it but do you have any children? I don’t, part of the legacy. Keep posting Sleepyhead.

[Brigid]

This lack of compassion you felt from your "mother" (in physicality only?) brought you to understand what compassion and love really should be. A backwards way to get that understanding, for sure, but you have it now.

(I'm so glad I finally learned how to do that!)

Mum,

I think you're onto something here.  Its nice to think that the abuse or neglect that we may have felt in childhood actually translated to a positive emotion within ourselves today.  I know that it taught me how not to be a parent and I have worked so hard to always make my children feel loved and valued beyond words.

Brigid

[longtire]

sleepyhead, congratulations on taking a chance and posting here.  Whether you realize it or not, you are opening up a little gate in your protective walls to let good things and good people in.  At the same time you can let some of the bad "things" and bad people out.  That is tremendous, thank you for sharing with us!

These are just a few fragments, but it still feels very hard to post them. I feel ashamed that these things happened to me (that I let them happen?), and I feel ashamed for "whining" about them now. It's not so bad, many people had it much worse. But I remember being depressed as early as at five, only I didn't have that word for it, I called it "homesickness", only I felt homesick at home too. I was never afraid of death, in fact I used to think it was strange to be afraid of death (and there was no religion in my family, so I didn't think I would go to heaven), and used to climb in high places above concrete or asphalt. I never fell though, for which I am grateful today.

I really identify with feeling like my story isn't so bad, many other people had it a lot worse than I did.  It wasn't until I went into group therapy and people cried (cried!) when I told stories about growing up in my house.  I was stunned.  It was so "normal" and accepted to me that I didn't even realize there was a problem.

One of the problems was that my parents were emotional imbeciles.  They didn't have any idea how to identify, communicate or use their feelings, they were suppressed and leaked out all over the place in damaging ways.  So it has been hard for me to identify a problem because nothing happened growing up.  But that WAS the problem.  Something is SUPPOSED to happen and there is supposed to be emotional interaction and support and teaching and I got NONE of it.

The other problem is that my parents "trusted" me to set my own limits.  They were too intimidated by me (little me) to set hardly any limits, boundaries and curfews.  I never got the feeling that I was loved because they never said anything like "we aren't letting you go out with these friends because we are afraid something bad might happen to you and you are too valuable to us to risk it."  I heard nothing and I pretty much dictated to them what I was going to do.  Once again, how could there be a problem is nothing is going on?  Because something is SUPPOSED to go on!  Parents need to set boundaries to let kids know that their parents care about them and about what happens to them.  That they are important.  Sorry, my hot button topic today.    I'll take the rest to my thread later.

In your case, you have some (probably a lot of) examples of overt anger, rage, shaming,  embarassment, neglect and lack of connection, caring, sympathy and empathy just to name a few.  What I have found is that it doesn't matter how far over the line the events were or what form your childhood problems took, they were "bad enough" to be over that line, and leave you with the unmet needs you have today.  The results prove the events were bad "enough."  You were born perfect, the way God intended.  You didn't get loved, cared for, instructed, taught and delighted in the way God intended.  It affected you the same way if would affect any other of God's perfect children.  

[Anonymous]

Hi sleepyhead,

Just adding my voice to say you didn't cause the abuse and you aren't whining either. Your mother has some very serious problems and was unqualified to parent a child. It was tragic that she attempted it. But you're okay despite her inadequacy.

bunny

[Stormchild]

Hi sleepyhead

I could see that poor scared darling child trying to figure out what to do... how to get into the house... how to find a way to use the toilet... poor baby, it wasn't your fault, none of it was your fault, you deserved only love and the best of care.

Brava for standing up for yourself when you broke that dish by accident. That was so brave! Even though you weren't heard or protected by the other adults, that was so brave of you. You knew what was the truth and what was fair. Even then you knew.

[And what kind of excuse for a mother sets her kid up like that, sending a littlie anywhere carrying breakables!!!!!! Agghhhhhhhhh!!!!!       Shame on her, never on you.]

So glad you're here. Welcome home.

(((((sleepyhead)))))

[sleepyhead]

Hi again all!

I want to reassure you that there's a lot of love out in this world.Hard to find sometimes? Yes.....

Thanks! I have actually found myself a bit of love, I have a wonderful fiance who tells me how much he loves me several times a day! (Even after almost seven years... )

For me....it's like puppy training.

I've always thought of myself as more like a kitten though!  But yesterday I really felt like a happy puppy, wagging my tail at all the wonderful responses I got... When my fiance got home from work I had to tell him: "People are being nice to me! They say nice things!" And he replied:"Of course they do, you're a nice person." I am lucky to have him!

(((Portia)))

Remember lying in bed at night trying to imagine ‘not being’ and finding it easy to think about. Was half-way there in a sense I guess.

Sorry to hear that you had to go through that crap too, I hope that you, like me, have put it behind you by now.

No job here either but trying. Will work with you any day  , and October too  (I’m in the UK too).

Sounds great!  We would have to find a job that we could do from Octobers home though... October, are you up for it?

Sorry if I’ve missed it but do you have any children? I don’t, part of the legacy.

Funny you should ask! I just had it confirmed from the doctor the other day, I'm pregnant! I completely understand those children of N's that don't want to have their own kids, is that what you mean by "the legacy"? For me I feel that it is right though, I had one (actually two) of the best teachers in how not to be a parent , and hopefully I learnt a little from that (I agree with Brigid here)! It still feels completely unreal though... There's a human being growing inside of me? No... you must be pulling my leg.

Longtire, bunny, Stormchild! Thank you so much for validating my experience and making me feel that I have a right to be upset. You have no idea how much that means to me... well, actually, I suppose you do, and it feels good to know that the people here really understand me and where I'm coming from. It's so good to not have to hear the usual: "I'm sure she meant well", "of course she loves you, she's your mother", and so on.

Gwyn: Since our stories seemed to be so similar, I checked out your first post, and was very relieved to find that I was not the only one to have posted about messing my pants , nothing new under the sun, eh? Unlike you, we were never poor, but we were always the poorest ones in our neighbourhood (my mother has this thing about wanting to live in a big house), so I can really relate to the clothes thing. Wearing your cousins (and your seven years older sisters) hand-me-downs and the cheapest of supermarket clothes, and your family not having a car, doesn't do you any favours in a neighbourhood where every family has at least two cars and the kids are wearing designer clothes ! And my mother is fond of saying how she's always put her children's needs first!

Yesterday I was doing a lot of crying and smiling (and wagging my tail), because everyone was so nice to me. Then I started reading "trapped in the mirror", which had finally arrived (ordered it four weeks ago), and today I am furious with my mother! It is one thing to know that you've had a lot of problems in life, because of how your parents screwed you up, but to read that this was (however unconscious), the intention!      Arrrghhh! I had to feel her bad feelings about her because she couldn't bear to feel them herself!? Here I have always felt so much sympathy for her over the years because I could feel how much she must really hurt. Well, she didn't feel that pain, did she? Nope, she just dumped it on to my head instead!  Next time I feel sorry for her, I will have to remind myself: "No, she isn't actually feeling the pain, I am." And save the pity and empathy and sympathy for myself and others who deserve it instead!

Anyway, I'm going away for the weekend, so I won't be able to talk to you for a while.  I don't really want to go, but I feel I have to make an effort to be social. At the moment I'm so confused that I don't even know if it's the "real" me who wants to stay home, or if that is just my mothers voice trying to sabotage something that might be fun.  Anyway, I'll miss you all, and if I have time I will check in for a bit later today.

(((((Everyone)))))

[Portia]

Sleepyhead BIG CONGRATULATIONS!  You’ll be a wonderful mum! I’m so pleased for you and your fiancé sounds like a good man too, good news all round.

Gainful employment: maybe we could run some virtual UK thing from our own homes (said the happy hermit)? And you can contribute part-time when the time comes? It sounds too good!

Hey have a great weekend and hope you do have fun. Having fun is a serious matter!    Hugs, P

[October]

Sounds great!  We would have to find a job that we could do from Octobers home though... October, are you up for it?

Funny you should ask! I just had it confirmed from the doctor the other day, I'm pregnant!

Longtire, bunny, Stormchild! Thank you so much for validating my experience and making me feel that I have a right to be upset. You have no idea how much that means to me... well, actually, I suppose you do, and it feels good to know that the people here really understand me and where I'm coming from. It's so good to not have to hear the usual: "I'm sure she meant well", "of course she loves you, she's your mother", and so on.

I think we could write a book about the funny side of living with Ns.  There is a lot of info here to use.  

Congratulations on the pregnancy - that is such lovely news!!!!

I too hear the 'of course she loves you' messages a lot.  People cannot bear the alternative, can they?

[Stormchild]

Congratulations Sleepyhead, what wonderful news! (((Sleepyhead))) (((baby))) (((Sleepyhead's fiance)))

That business about "Oh, of course she loved you"   just burns my --bleep-- . It's emotional cowardice, or even worse, laziness, from people who don't want to face reality because courage or work or both might be involved. Grrrrrrr. And to do that to you on top of what you have gone through already. GrrrrrrrRRRRRRrrrr. [Mum's dogs have definitely influenced my vocabulary lately   ]

"Trapped in the Mirror" sounds like a worthwhile read. I have often had the sense that the meanness some Ns display is intended. They just enjoy it too much for it not to be deliberate. Not all of them, but an awful lot of them.

[longtire]

Thanks! I have actually found myself a bit of love, I have a wonderful fiance who tells me how much he loves me several times a day! (Even after almost seven years... )
I've always thought of myself as more like a kitten though!  But yesterday I really felt like a happy puppy, wagging my tail at all the wonderful responses I got... When my fiance got home from work I had to tell him: "People are being nice to me! They say nice things!" And he replied:"Of course they do, you're a nice person." I am lucky to have him!

I'm so glad you have someone like that in your life!  I hope that you treat him the same way he treats you.  I think that if I come back, I will be a cat.  Hmmm.. maybe I WAS a cat before.  That explains why I like to lie in the sun and stretch a lot!

Funny you should ask! I just had it confirmed from the doctor the other day, I'm pregnant! I completely understand those children of N's that don't want to have their own kids, is that what you mean by "the legacy"? For me I feel that it is right though, I had one (actually two) of the best teachers in how not to be a parent , and hopefully I learnt a little from that (I agree with Brigid here)! It still feels completely unreal though... There's a human being growing inside of me? No... you must be pulling my leg.

Congratulations!  I I have only "known" you for a short time, but know you will be a great mom.

Longtire, bunny, Stormchild! Thank you so much for validating my experience and making me feel that I have a right to be upset. You have no idea how much that means to me... well, actually, I suppose you do, and it feels good to know that the people here really understand me and where I'm coming from. It's so good to not have to hear the usual: "I'm sure she meant well", "of course she loves you, she's your mother", and so on.

You are welcome.  We do know how it feels to be surprised when someone actually speaks sense to you!

Yesterday I was doing a lot of crying and smiling (and wagging my tail), because everyone was so nice to me. Then I started reading "trapped in the mirror", which had finally arrived (ordered it four weeks ago), and today I am furious with my mother! It is one thing to know that you've had a lot of problems in life, because of how your parents screwed you up, but to read that this was (however unconscious), the intention!      Arrrghhh! I had to feel her bad feelings about her because she couldn't bear to feel them herself!? Here I have always felt so much sympathy for her over the years because I could feel how much she must really hurt. Well, she didn't feel that pain, did she? Nope, she just dumped it on to my head instead!  Next time I feel sorry for her, I will have to remind myself: "No, she isn't actually feeling the pain, I am." And save the pity and empathy and sympathy for myself and others who deserve it instead!

I have done this for a long time with my wife, the N in my life.  I understand her better than she does, I am more upset about her problems than she is, and I am more angry at her mother than she is.  Actually, I should say "was."  These days I'm paying attention to myself and *my* issues, rather than to her.

Anyway, I'm going away for the weekend, so I won't be able to talk to you for a while.  I don't really want to go, but I feel I have to make an effort to be social. At the moment I'm so confused that I don't even know if it's the "real" me who wants to stay home, or if that is just my mothers voice trying to sabotage something that might be fun.  Anyway, I'll miss you all, and if I have time I will check in for a bit later today.

We'll be here when you get back.

[sleepyhead]

Hi again all! I'm back, and I did have fun! It was just tricky to lie to them about why I was not drinking, good thing I have so much experience from lying to my mother, actually it's not a good thing, but you know what I mean. I'm not telling anyone about the pregnancy yet (when is it that you're supposed to tell? after the ultrasound?), but I still told you guys. I guess that's because I have told you things I have only ever told my fiancé, and so feel so much closer to you than anyone else .

At the moment my name is like a rash all over the board and I'm trying very hard to tell myself that that is o.k.. I have been away and am catching up, I'm actually trying to help other people, I am usually on when no-one else is... We're supposed to post, right? That's the whole point, isn't it? Still it is so hard not to feel like an attention-hogging N, even though I love it when other people post a lot, so that I can get to know them.

Portia and October: Thanks for the congratulations! It would be great to write a book about living with N's, I think we would do a lot of crying and laughing while we wrote it! But we would have to move fast, because I'm moving back "home" before the baby comes. I will still be in Europe though, so not that far away. (even if we can't be the Brit Pack anymore, we can still be Eurotrash together). I feel shy about telling what country I come from, not to the people I know here, but you never know who's reading this. After all, even paranoid people can have enemies!

Stormchild:

That business about "Oh, of course she loved you"   just burns my --bleep-- . It's emotional cowardice, or even worse, laziness, from people who don't want to face reality because courage or work or both might be involved.

Wow! I didn't even think to see it that way, I just thought it was to weird for people to comprehend... But you're probably right, they don't want to see it, because it is painful and maybe it stirs up feelings in themselves that they are not ready to confront? Apparently most people who grew up in dysfunctional families feel such a strong need to be loyal to their parents that they don't even realise that anything was wrong! I don't get angry when people say this though, just frustrated that they don't understand, that they can't see that it's a painful realisation that needs to be taken seriously. I don't think anyone would say that their mother didn't love them if they hadn't given it alot of thought and were 100% sure of it. What really gets me mad though is when you read in magazines that "every womans best friend should be her mother". That makes me want to rip someones head off!

Longtire:

Hmmm.. maybe I WAS a cat before. That explains why I like to lie in the sun and stretch a lot!

Yes! I love it too! Sadly there is not much sun here in the U.K. at the moment... but I do sleep a lot and stretch a lot. Now, if only I could be as independent towards my mother as a cat would be...

Isn't it infuriating when you realize that you have spent sooo much time taking care of someone else's feelings and needs when they don't give a sh## about yours? After four years of being with me, my exNbf said that he thought that in a relationship you shouldn't have to make an effort of any kind (if you made an effort there was something wrong with the relationship)  Sounds as if your wife kind of has the same idea... Oh, but it is totally o.k. to let the non N person slave away for years trying to fix the relationship! And not even bother telling them that they think it's pointless!

We'll be here when you get back.

It's these simple things that just make my eyes fill upwith tears. If I were talking to you right now, I wouldn't be able to speak without crying.
((((Longtire))))

[Cadbury]

Congratulations! Although I have already said that in a pm!

Just a quick word of warning to the pregnant people. If you suffer from heartburen towards the end DO NOT EAT HOT CROSS BUNS!! I just had 3 (well I have an excuse!) and I am in so much pain I could cry!!

Also, Sleepyhead, I have read a lot of your posts and I really feel for you. You seem to be coping so well. Much better than a lot of people would have - so take strength in that. It is hard to express empathy in type without sounding like a sanctimonious idiot, but I mean well!! Take care everyone!

[Portia]

Sleepyhead, post away, I still feel like that; “Oh no! Three Portias showing at the top! Quick somebody else post!” Silly eh? And we can’t help the time difference! I feel kinda privileged that you told us the good news, the board’s a strange wonderful place isn’t it? I’m glad you’re here.

Cadbury. Put those hot cross buns down!   Three at once?? Stodge-city!

Anyone over the water: do you have hot cross buns? For Easter?

[Brigid]

Sleepyhead,

my exNbf said that he thought that in a relationship you shouldn't have to make an effort of any kind

You should enter that on the thread for most N comments.  Sort of like "love means never having to say your sorry."

Congrats on the baby.  I agree to keep it to yourself for now.  I think when you hit the 3 month mark its probably OK (and maybe starting to get obvious) to shout it from the rooftops.  I learned the hard way by telling everyone right away the first time I got pregnant.  I ended up miscarrying and then had to tell everyone that.  The second time I waited and it was much better.

Anyone over the water: do you have hot cross buns? For Easter?

Are those the things will small bits of citrus in them and a criss-cross of frosting on top?  If so, yes we do see them at Easter time, but I'm not fond of the citrus so don't enjoy them.  I think too much of anything will probably do you in when you're farther along in your pregnancy.  But it only takes a small amount of chili to do that.  Take it from one who had several sleepless nights (I was a slow learner) as a result.

Good luck to all you moms-to-be.  You have so much to look forward to.  Enjoy every moment because before you know it they're off to college.
       or maybe that should be      

Brigid

[Lara]

Dear Sleepyhead,
Congratulations on the news! You and your fiance will be such loving and understanding parents.

(Your ex's comment about not having to make any effort in a relationship rang a bell in my memory...it was my ex saying to me that 'we are so close, we can say ANYTHING to each other.' (And now I can see where that comment was coming from!)

Sleepyhead,take it easy....because you're worth it!

Sincerely,
Lara.