Somatic vs Cerebral N's Questions....

[(dre)]

I posted this weekend, and you all have been a wonderful help to me. I've done a lot of web-surfing and found articles on Somatic-highly sexed N's vs. Cerebral-asexual N's. I wonder if anyone has any input on this.

I'm still trying to understand my ex's sexual trouble. We went of long periods where we could sleep peacefully next to one another, but no relations..Like a cerebral. He even said he's lost his sex drive, and just did'nt care anymore.

The past few months he said he's been very frustrated and wanted to, buy I can't "please him". He said I was too much like a friend, and he didnt' want to "hurt me". Yet his answer was an extra girl, group sex, "having people watch" which falls under a Somatic.  He tried very hard selling me on how great this could be, and that he would "love me more" if I would please him this way.

I also read that somatic's go from conquest to conquest, with little or not feeling towards the person involved. They prefer one nighters, so they can walk away easily. They will do anything for that "high" they get from attention and the conquest. They also have a big ego over their capabilities....

So, I'm wondering if anyone has dealt with either one of these types, from unusually cold to opposite extreme, constantly talking about sex, referring to it, and making very sexist comments about women.

[mum]

dre: do you think knowing this differentiation will help you?
I can't quite make heads or tails of it, mostly because both options are so unpleasant, and with your story, I'm not really caring WHAT he is, catagorically, I just feel happy for you that you are NO LONGER WITH HIM!
My second husband was a bit "conquesty" ( is that a term?) and still is, but with "serial monogamy"...still the comments about women and bodies, I always thought just to keep me worried and model thin (thank god that's over!!!)
My friend's ex husband would not touch her (rarely) and told her they were more like friends....but he was secretly screwing men he didn't know, so who knows what category that's in!!! (gay, trying to pass as straight?)
All I know is, THANK GOD I don't and my friend doesn't have to deal with these guys anymore, at least not in the bedroom!!  Hey, maybe you don't have to either!

[chandra]

Hello Dre,

My exN was somatic in that he is pretty obsessed with his body and appearance and sex (but mostly with himself aided by pornography). In our courtship phase, he would say things like he can only have sex with someone he is in love with to the core, and we were having great sex.  When he was leaving me several months later, he said he could no longer have sex with me because that is "reserved for someone you are married to, at least in your heart." But then, shortly after he left me, I knew that he was seeking anonymous sexual encounters with transsexuals and she-males and t-girls and even straight men. My ex's ex-wife told me he lost interest in sex pretty quickly into their 8 yr. marriage. I really can't make sense of all this contradictory behavior and don't even try anymore. If you find more on this topic, please post because I'd be interested in learning more.

Chandra

[sleepyhead]

dre: Don't know if this helps, but I have read somewhere that they can switch from somatic to cerebral (and vice versa), that they can go through phases of being one or the other. I suppose they feel they have to keep them separate . Take care!

[wildrain]

I am still in a realtionship with an N.He and i have been in this realtionship for almost three years,known each other for for almost 5 years .It has been a nightmare.I only rencently realized after rading book after book that he is a N. I have no idea how to get out of this realtionship.Iam 100's of thousands in debt and he is still after me for more money. (We had a  together) His commitment issues,his constant want ""more" from me has affected my health. He cant touch.sex is very cold (Though when we were in the early stages it was very good) He says he loves me then will treat me like dirt. I have never been in such a relationship. He is very charming when he wants to be. Lately he has ben surfing the net,writting sex chats to women and emails. He said he stopped but he is also a good lier. He has always chased very bizare women. Gay's and women that are very slutty. He cant touch ,me and has never kissed me on his won. (I have always asked)... How do i get out of this twisted situation?
I have come to fnd out that my mother is also a N. I had no idea as well as my Dad. Anyone who can give me advice please do. This man can be as cold as ice. He told he in the three years he was married (devorced now) He never once held his wife"s hand. I guess i have tried to understand the why"s and hoped there would be something that i could do. I still lvoe him and now he is out of a job it has become more then i can deal with. He seems to be blaming me for his lack of money and job. Anyone know how i can deal with any of this?

[mr big]

Wildrain,

I was wondering...are you asking how to get out of this relationship because you are afraid of how he'll deal with it or....is it because you still love him and find it hard to let go, yet you know it's not good for you?

[sleepyhead]

Wildrain:

I have no idea how to get out of this realtionship.Iam 100's of thousands in debt and he is still after me for more money.

The longer you stay, the more in debt he will get you. It is always hard to leave. I am not trying to upstage you here, but thought that a bit of my story might help you in someway... When I broke up with my xNbf I had to leave the country I was living in, my job, and move back in with my Nmother. Aaaarrrghhh! It was not an easy decision to make, but finally having made it (oh, I'd put it off for years, because I felt so sorry for him), I felt so strong and so proud of myself that you wouldn't even believe it! Now, seven years later, I can't even bother to be angry at him any more, I pity him, because he will never have what I have: A great relationship. And you can get it too! Just not with this man...

He seems to be blaming me for his lack of money and job.

In a roundabout, sick, twisted sort of way he has a point. If you left him he would have to get off his a## and do something!  (Hope you don't take this as criticism, I mean well, promise.)

Take care of yourself, because you are worthy of your care and love, and he is definitely not!

[Brigid]

Dre,
I am going to tell you a little about my soon-to-be xH of 23 years because it has some relevance to your story and a couple of others here.

We were very sexual before marriage and it was good.  Once we were married it dropped off considerably and it was only when we were trying to get pregnant that it picked up a bit.  During the last 10 years, it would be only once every month or two and quite often he would lose erections during intercourse.  Toward the end, he would not let me touch him at all and would basically masturbate himself to an orgasm, only engaging in intercourse right at the end.  He had all kinds of excuses for this, but did not feel we needed to seek counselling.

After I found out he had someone else he was interested in (he only admitted to being sexual with her after he moved out) and we were in counselling, he finally told me that for many years he had been using pornography and masturbating rather than being sexual with me.  I was in complete shock.  I only think he told me in the hopes I would choose to kick him out rather than him having to leave on his own (looks better to family and friends).  I, however, did not do that and was willing to work to save the marriage.  During the 6 weeks we were in therapy, he quite suddenly became very interested in having sex with me and during that time we had more sex than in the previous 10 years.  This was very baffling to me when he then just up and walked out while in a joint therapy appointment, 2 days after our last sexual encounter.  My therapist (who was seeing both of us at that time) explained that he had already determined that he was leaving and the counselling was just another ploy to look good.  Once he knew he was leaving he could view me as something other than he wife or mother (he got those roles confused) and I became a play thing.  He wanted me to look and act like one of the women in his porn videos and since I was desperate at the time, did exactly that.  I look back on that time with great pain and humilation and know that he truly enjoyed taking advantage of me like that.  

He is still (I think) in a relationship with a married woman that he started seeing while we were still together.  My therapist says that in addition to being an N, he is also a stage 1 (last I knew) sex addict.  He also feels that there is a good chance he will take it to higher levels now that there is no one around to monitor his behavior.

I'm not sure how all this fits into somatic vs cerebral, but the bottom line is that you do not want to be in a relationship with someone who has these issues.  Had I known years ago what was going on with him, I would have made other decisions if he had not been willing to seek help.  Forever more, I will wonder what he has done that I don't know about, but I'm probably better off being kept in the dark.

Good luck to those of you still trying to work through this.

Brigid

[Portia]

Once he knew he was leaving he could view me as something other than he wife or mother (he got those roles confused) and I became a play thing.

Bingo, thanks Brigid, now I understand someone in my past a whole lot better. It's so simple I could kick myself. But I won't

[Anonymous]

dre,

Your ex is a woman-hater. It doesn't matter whether he's cerebral or somatic. He will set out to crush the soul of any woman he's with. He will use various sadistic methods to do it. Be very glad you're out of this relationship.

bunny

[mum]

Wildrain: your post concerned me a lot.  Are you ok?  I think there may have been a typo, but you said you had a (?) together?  Child?  tough, but still leave.     Business? less tough...still leave.
No one ever deserves this kind of treatment from a partner.  What is it that holds you there?
When my ex first cheated on me, I was too weak and unaware that his cheating actually KEPT me there, as I disliked myself sooo much, it's what I thought I deserved in life.  Plus I thought things like, how will we ever decide who gets the stereo!
I went on to have two children with him (which I would not trade, don't get me wrong).  If you think it's tough to leave now, it will not get easier if you don't do some work empowering yourself.  It will get more and more complicated and you will lose more and more of yourself (money is only money....your life is more important!)
Are you in therapy (by yourself)?  Please go.  Love yourself enough to get help.
Bless you.

[longtire]

dre, wildrain, brigid.  I identify very much with your stories.  My Nw was sexually active before our marrige, but not after.  Of course, it was always my fault that she did not want to have sex.  She told me that I needed to touch her more in a non-sexual way, like a pat on the shoulder or a hug.  When I did that she accused me of only having sex on my mind and that she didn't want me touching her if that was the case.  Huh?!

I always had to initiate sex and find that special 1 or 2 days during the 2-6 month period when she was "willing," never eager, only willing.  In hindsight, eeewww!  When I pointed out once that it had been 6 months since we had had sex, she told me "I don't believe you, that doesn't *feel* right to me."  So what did she do about it?  She started keeping a sex calendar marking down each time we had sex so she could later prove to me that I was wrong!  When we discussed this recently, within the last 6 months, she said that her calendar showed that it hadn't been 6 months between, but only 3-4 months maximum.  I pointed out to her that she only started keeping her calendar AFTER we "talked" and that it proves nothing about what happened previously.  I also told her that I thought it was entirely possible she had used the calendar then to know "when" to have sex to keep it from ever being 6 months so she would be "right."  She didn't really have an answer to that.

Anyway, despite many claims to the contrary, she was never able to discuss sex with me.  She claims to be totally open to discussing everything about sex with me, but when I start talking about it she distracts, finds a way to blame me for womething, gets angry, whatever to avoid the discussion.  I've given up at this point.  It was only in the last 6-8 months that she could realize that I am not her mother.  Yes, but you're just like her.  You act just like her.  No, you've tried to pretend all this time that I'm you're mother and you have totally missed knowing me.  Anyway, when you factor that I "look" like her mother and she's operating on an 8 year old emotional level, its not surprising that she would do anything to avoid sex.  OK, I needed to get that out.  Anyway, I was more hurt by the lack of verbal and emotional intimacy than sexual.

What were we talking about?  Oh, yeah.  Leaving a relationship with an N.  I'll let you know when I figure it out.  What I'm doing is getting in touch with my feelings and working on understanding and enforcing my boundaries.  I guess that I'm hoping when I figure out what I want and what I'm willing to accept, I'll know what my decision is.  As for cerebral vs. somatic, its hard to identify my wife as cerebral anything, she really goes for every physical comfort.

[Anonymous]

Longtire,

Your wife keeping a calendar of when you had sex sounds like something a zoo keeper does to keep track of when to feed the animals!!

That must really hurt!!!  The fact that she kept records of something that is supposed to be so beautiful--the making of love between two people, to prove her correctness about frequency, is sick.

This woman doesn't have a clue about intimacy and never will.  I'm sorry that you have had to endure trying to achieve it with her.  What a waste of your time and energy!!

[mum]

Longtire, your post about the calendar is disturbing. If anyone made me feel like I had to keep records to "prove" anything...I would be gone...it is so sad for both of you.
I have to keep "records" of things with my ex because he has dragged me into court numerous times, I can't stand him and I am NOT married to him.
You two are married.....?
I remember something from my religious upbringing....a line in the Bible, perhaps (mudpup can fill in the blanks...) it's about love not keeping a record of wrongs.  
Love doesn't keep track of anything....it flows and questions understands and forgives all the time.  Can you two find that again?
Otherwise...why are you together?

[mum]

Lontire< I'm sorry, my last post was very judgemental.  I just feel so frustrated for you.  If you were my personal friend, I would be advising you if you asked. You didn't, you were just expressing yourself. I am sorry if my response may have made you feel unsafe.  


I guess I have felt from your posts that you are a kind and caring man...and
you deserve so much
more than you have accepted for yourself.  Please accept my apology.  You will be able to figure it out.