Hey, Anna. I wish I could really sit with you and talk.
me tooooo
!!! > wheres the cocoa/?
I know how it feels to be so conflicted and have no one to bounce my feelings off of. I am glad you shared here. You have no idea how much reading that helped me today.
well.. im glad to hear that but sad you had a hard day... but theres -some- redeeming qualities in it then!! it feels good to be finally able to express myself.. but its =much= much better if its a two-way street for other people ;}} thats why i want to talk instead of just writing a journal or something. ive been alone with my thoughts, too long. so glad anything was helpful.
you know my mom wont talk to me........ i called my brother asking for 'emotional support' and he called me a 'shit mom' (ouch) and got all huffy about he'd 'never be in this position' and how he 'keeps his sh*t together' (but hes a drunk too, covered with tattoos, and does coke and speed and heroin! ) hes way weirder than i am..... (i think ive heard otheres talking about sibling dynamics like this.) so... i get nothing from family... and friends, they believe im outnumbered and since they are not creative problem solvers they see the only solution as giving up. useless!!!! ive had noone to talk with about this for a -long- time.
Your conflict about saying something and having repurcussions for you daughter with her N grandparents struck a chord with me. And the questions: what is the RIGHT thing to do for your child? .......... I think it's ok to be heartened by this.
im very heartened by this. as mudpuppy says.. its a lot about leverage.. ive always known i had it, but havent quite been in a position to use it. they have a lot to hide, and they covered it with this veneer of respectability but, ive just kept chipping away.... mantra = 'water on rock'. water appears to be the weaker force.... but it will wear away a rock, with that subtle gentle unswerving persistance. maybe im finally getting that slip of leverage..... have enough bricks in the wall..:}
im thinking of writing out to all my family, who ive been estranged from all these years, (the neutral ones that just dont know us too well) and laying it all out. not to be sour grapes or whatever but to expand the familys vision of reality. if he begins to think the veneer is really falling apart... he could just jump ship and abandon the whole project. it -is- all about veneer. if they sense they are failing.. they could just bail out before it looks worse for them...........such a poker game. and yes, you are the only people with which to 'bounce thoughts' and i value that just beyond words.
yes, its so difficult to know 'whats right'. i try to think of what i would have wanted.. but that doesnt always work becuase people are so different. at the school - there are rules we go by - one of them is 'always consider how this will affect the childs ultimate growth'.. thats what i try to do. i see this as building the adult she will be.. less than how its affecting her now.. sometimes things hurt short term but are still the best long term.
I hope you know that I don't think my situation even closely compares with yours
i dont think that way, pain is pain, you cant compare.
That he hides his income and is laughingly putting forth a ridiculous argument to DENY his CHILDREN money doesn't occur to him. He has always seen it as a ME thing.....
He had a chance to not have to explain his financial shenanigans in court but he is choosing to fight me..... why?
pathetic need to control you, of course. ongoing unwelcome litigation is a form of stalking.
I had a few real dark moments, realizing he will never "permit' me to leave.....all this took me to a sad state for a while. Your post is helping me move through this though...and pretty soon I will be back to my optimistic old self.
well thats good. unforeseen, but happy :}} i know hopelessness and feeling trapped well. its not a good place. being there with friends helps.
I wonder, though, if this won't end up being the best thing after all... So I will have to find more creative ways to make money for a while....that's the worst case. More than likely, he will regret this tactic of his.
he will definitely regret it if it fails to intimidate or harm you and only costs him money (that he says he doesnt have). so what if he gives you less cash.... its inconvenient and selfish but.. its good to feel that theres a 'lid' on the suffering and theres only so much he can do. hes just flailing, not landing all the punches he wants to.
thats a good place to be.
So, Anna, I got to thinking, maybe this is just how it is tumbling out....maybe the kids will finally have a voice (they do with me, but I can't speak for them). I always figure struggles are there for me to learn from...and in this past few years I have really learned a lot about life and myself. But maybe it's not about ME anymore so much, but my children learning and finding their power or their big lesson.
thats how it is, in most of these cases..... its often between two parents and it comes down to 'you against me'........ kind of naturally..... in this case.. its always been about her, saving her, rescuing her, from the fate i knew she would share, having lived it already. i saw myself as damaged, very damaged by those people, and that i swore from time i was very young that i would do better by my children. i wasnt so concerned about 'me' in this although i want to be happy, like everyone... i want my life back, for sure. but im already damaged. i want to save -her- BEFORE she is damaged.
i dont want her to be 40 years old and doing the crap we all are doing. i wanted her to have a chance at life like so many of us are still struggling to have.
its been difficult, for me understanding what her lesson would be, from going through this with them, what could -possibly- come out of it in the positive for her long term. the only thing i can think is, she will be strong, have convictions, which injustice cements in your mind..... but only if i can get her back and help her heal, put this all in persepctive. if not..i know they have hurt her enough, that without guidance she will not be able to process what they have done.
im an artist and she is my painting. i cant sit by and watch somene rip up the canvas with knives and not do anything. thats what i feel like. her beautiful free self is being desecrated and thats not acceptable.
im being screwed, but im already screwed. she could stil be saved.
those moments of hopelessness are hard, as you well know. Thank you for listening too....and sharing some light.
thank you for 'talking' with me :} its very nice, to think anything i said might have been helpful without knowing it, so it gives it some redeeming quality. :}
im really sorry you ahve to go back to court.
it is a helpless feeling. i hope he gets stuck in the elevator and misses the damn hearing. !!!!!
((((((mum & famly))))))
anna
