Jessica, I also have trouble getting my work and myself out there. I have been told my writing is quite profound, emotionally. I have seen how it heals others, or opens doors to healing. But, to put myself out there feels like running out in front of a mac truck. I know otherwise, but the feelings are still there. I work at it though, little bit by bit.
I was child #1. Parents, who together would make a complete narcissist, wanted a boy. They had three girls before the son finally came. Without a lot of history here (Perhaps later in another thread), I divorced after 32 years a manic depressive Narcissist who has 3 personalities (my observation, not a diagnosis). The divorce was quite dangerous for me physically and emotionally, but our 2 children were grown, thank goodness. MY second sister has a history of drug and alcohol and has MS - she functions best when telling siblings and mother (father dead) what to do. My next younger sister has been in bed on and off for a year with Reiter's syndrome,also an auto immune disease. She functions well as long as she perceives "God" has chosen her as his favorite. However, the obsessive fundamentalist part of her becomes threatened and attacks when her "best of the chosen" gets threatened. My brother was a multi millionaire at age 6, and functions very N like today. We sisters were not given that financial opportunity as children and it caused great pain as love/money got muddled together. My first child was born on welfare.
In looking back in my history, I search for a mentor. I know both grandmother's loved me, but I could not open up to either one of them. I don't think I had one in childhood. Still cannot open up to mother in order to tell her who I am etc (she probes) for she attacks me behind my back to my children and siblings...why go there?! I did have a mentor during the 2 year divorce though, who as far as I am concerned was God-sent. I could talk and talk and talk with no judgment. I also had a best girlfriend during the latter marriage years who helped me stay together during the divorce.
Trauma is a bear to deal with.
