Author Topic: Nparent doesn't care to know about themselves  (Read 5099 times)

Aunty

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Nparent doesn't care to know about themselves
« on: September 04, 2004, 03:19:06 PM »
Well, it happened. She, (my niece, Jenocidal) sort of confronted her mother. Well, she sent her some narcissistic articles anonymously through the internet, but her Nmother knew it was her, because her Nmother, my sister, asked me if it was her. I did not acknowledge, and the conversation ended there. She was only mildly "irritated" by the e-mail, and it seems as though she is totally avoiding it, assuming she is always right about everything and failing to see her daughters desparate pleas for her to finally and for once see the errors of her ways and recognize that SHE IS that narcissistic parent that traumatized her only daughter, beyond comprehension. Do you think she could see it? Because I don't even think she cared enough to really look. If that was me, and my child was trying to show me something truthful and factual about myself, I would know instinctively that I needed to change something drastically about myself and would do everything I could to help my child and bridge the gap so that we could come together again.

It was not to be. Her mother is so wrapped up in herself that she never even noticed her daughter was destroyed, little by little over the years with nowhere to turn. I tried to be there, but I could not replace a mother. I could not stand in her place and be that parent for her, but I tried to show her while growing up that it wasn't her fault because I clearly saw her blaming herself and I saw her self esteem be more and more shattered as the years progressed.

Why won't the narcissistic parent CARE enough to at least LOOK at the possibility that it is them that is to blame? That the way the situation IS at this time and has been in the past, is due to the extreme behaviors that were destructive to her own childrens psyches? Why don't they care enough to stop themselves, get help for crying out christmas.

It was not to be. She is just going on with her self absorption and self denial letting her own daughter deal with this on her own, not only alone but with yet another knife in her back. Not just another knife in her back, but a twisted knife in her back, twisting it over and over again then feeling the sting of metaphorical salt poured in the wounds when even at this late date, she is still as abusive and in denial as she always was. We cannot trust her. For some things, and sometimes, we can. But when it comes to certain things, like her own precious daughter, she can only be trusted to bury the knife in her back yet again. It never ended. No one could believe the extreme nature of her pathology, unless you were a first hand witness to it. It is a cunning and baffling thing, this narcissism. And it never seems to go away. Meanwhile, a mother and daughter are not speaking to eachother "again". For the nth time.

Sorry for being so candid about this, but it really gets under my skin. I love them both, and I have had to stand by and watch their destructive relationship all these years, and how the daughter suffered as a result of a parent that never knew how to show they love them.

It was right there, in black and white, and even if she decided to read it, she never let it affect her and continues on in her denial, which still hurts.

It was her one last ditch effort to show her mother what has been wrong all these years. But it did absolutely nothing.

switzerland

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Nparent doesn't care to know about themselves
« Reply #1 on: September 07, 2004, 01:49:26 PM »
Yes, we know how hopeless N's really are in self-denial. Don't forget that it is because they really loath themselves to the core.  ANd since they perceive children as their property, they cannot help but loath their offsprings as well.  It is always best to distance away from N's and move on.  N's do not know what love is.

You are such a nice aunt!  Jen is very lucky to have you as an aunt and friend, and i am sure you have been a great help to her as exemplified by your concerned and supportive postings here.

I'm just curious, and you don't have to answer.  How did you survive growing up with your Nsister?  Did you have Nparents?  Any clue as to how your sister got the N?

Aunty

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Nparent doesn't care to know about themselves
« Reply #2 on: September 10, 2004, 03:16:23 PM »
"I'm just curious, and you don't have to answer. How did you survive growing up with your Nsister? Did you have Nparents? Any clue as to how your sister got the N?"

It was very hard to survive even with her, she was always hitting me too. That is why I cringed so badly when I witnessed her hit her daughter, because the same thing had happened to me. She would always strike me in the head. Then it progressed and I started to fight back until we were both of equal stature and she couldnt hit me anymore without getting taken down onto the floor. It was awful.

We havent had a brawl in years. But that streak still lives in her, she just represses it now because we are all adults now and she cant very well be violent to us anymore. The last violent episode I witnessed, she kicked her daughter in the stomach while she was laying on the floor, and she has an itestinal illness. She charged her mother with assault.

I took her to the police station to do it. I think that is the last time she was outwardly violent. (physically).

Now it is emotional violence. Her daughter could never find love, only bitter anger and violence!

This was her only role model in the world!

I have an Nmother too. Only, she abandoned me (us) and still abandons us when we need her to this day. Well, me. She abandons me and I am currently not talking to her. It is a painful experience to even think about her, let alone see her or talk to her.

As for your question, how did they become this way?

From childhood training, from our grandparents who were religious extremists who beat us in the basement to beat the demons out of us as little children. No wonder my mother and my sister grew up that way.

Thank you for your comments.

Stormchild

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Nparent doesn't care to know about themselves
« Reply #3 on: March 11, 2005, 09:53:37 AM »
Quote from: Aunty
 The last violent episode I witnessed, she kicked her daughter in the stomach while she was laying on the floor, and she has an itestinal illness. She charged her mother with assault.

I took her to the police station to do it. I think that is the last time she was outwardly violent. (physically).


Oh Aunty, how horrible for Jen. How horrible for you. How old is your niece.... is there any way she can get away from this? [Sorry if you said this somewhere and I didn't see it]. Is there anyway you and she could both get away from it? [She did the right thing pressing charges, and you did the right thing backing her up. 1000%! Just in case some more validation helps.]

Quote
As for your question, how did they become this way?

From childhood training, from our grandparents who were religious extremists who beat us in the basement to beat the demons out of us as little children. No wonder my mother and my sister grew up that way.


Oh, this is almost worse. Faith is supposed to comfort people, to give them a star to aim at, not do this to them.

I'm so sorry ((Aunty))((Jen))

bunny

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Nparent doesn't care to know about themselves
« Reply #4 on: March 11, 2005, 10:16:57 AM »
Jenocidal used to post here...it is a very sad story.

Sending Ns written material never works. They aren't ready to hear the information and it's ignored or evokes rage. It shames them and that makes them enraged. A pathological narcissist has a mental illness. So they won't react with remorse or sadness. More likely with rage.


bunny

Stormchild

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Nparent doesn't care to know about themselves
« Reply #5 on: March 11, 2005, 10:24:22 AM »
Thanks Bunny. How awful.

You're absolutely on target about the rage, this N sounds like a walking land mine.

((Aunty))((Jen))

((Bunny))

Anonymous

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Nparent doesn't care to know about themselves
« Reply #6 on: March 11, 2005, 01:08:04 PM »
1.  This mother does not love Jen, will not love Jen, cannot love Jen (and the order might be mixed up in that sentence, or is there any order possible?)

2.  It hurts terribly to accept this but the sooner the better because love isn't going to be part of the picture.

3.  The best thing Jen can do and Auntie, that you can do to help Jen, is to encourage her to love herself and think of her mother as unable to love, damaged, ill etc., deal with her pain, get on with her life.

4.  And distance is the safest way to do that, at least for awhile.

Sorry you had such a horrible childhood Auntie and are suffering, watching a mini-replay?? through your sister's treatment of her own daughter.  The best thing you can do for yourself is accept step 1 through 4 above.

Stormchild

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Nparent doesn't care to know about themselves
« Reply #7 on: March 11, 2005, 04:05:59 PM »
Quote from: Anonymous
1.  This mother does not love Jen, will not love Jen, cannot love Jen (and the order might be mixed up in that sentence, or is there any order possible?)

2.  It hurts terribly to accept this but the sooner the better because love isn't going to be part of the picture.

3.  The best thing Jen can do and Auntie, that you can do to help Jen, is to encourage her to love herself and think of her mother as unable to love, damaged, ill etc., deal with her pain, get on with her life.

4.  And distance is the safest way to do that, at least for awhile.

Sorry you had such a horrible childhood Auntie and are suffering, watching a mini-replay?? through your sister's treatment of her own daughter.  The best thing you can do for yourself is accept step 1 through 4 above.


Amen, amen, amen.

FlowerGirl

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Nparent doesn't care to know about themselves
« Reply #8 on: March 11, 2005, 09:56:46 PM »
My goodness, Aunty... what a nightmare. Jen is incredibly lucky to have you around - and furthermore, she is lucky that you have such a good understanding of what's going on - that is very rare. It is unfortunate that the reason you understand is your own tragic experiences with Ns.

I just wanted to add my "Good Job! You are doing the right thing!!!"

-FlowerGirl

katsy1t

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Nparent doesn't care to know about themselves
« Reply #9 on: March 28, 2005, 05:50:53 PM »
On behalf of all nieces everywhere - I would like to thank you Auntie for having such a powerful impact in your niece's life.  Without you near, she would have no one to turn to.

I too have turned to my Auntie to get past some of the things my mom has done.  She reassures me on what I need to do, how to get through things with my mom - and assures me that I'm not crazy!

My Auntie stands as the bridge between me and the most difficult person in my life.  I'm sure you're the Auntie standing there keeping your niece alive and sane.