Raining on my parade

[Overcomer]

Hello All!  Kelly here (again) to lament the raining of my parade.  I recently found a new network marketing company which is new to the South Dakota area (where I have some friends.)  So I was telling the family at lunch that I was going up there to see old friends and my Nmom asked why?  Well, I figured I couldn't lie so I told her that I was going to go up and tell them about this ground floor opportunity!!!

Well, silence fell upon the table and my mother's face was so down-trodden.  Then she was silent for awhile.  Well the interesting thing about that is that SHE made all her money in a network marketing company and is all about it - except for me!!  Why?  Cuz I am in business with her and am somehow obligated to her!!  Help me to shake off these feelings of her raining on my parade and making me afraid to be successful!!!

[jophil]

Hello Kelly, Gee this sounds familiar - N parents trying to undermine their kid's strivings for success. It is all par for the course with ratfink N's.
There are several 'rules' in NPD families ( here's some are of my family's rules)

1. The NPD parents *own* all the glory,success, kudos, peer approval and rewards.

2. The kids get to have what the parents decide to 'graciously' give them or allow them to have because the child's life is owned by the parents .

3. NO kid,whether still a juvenile or a grown adult, is allowed to out-achieve the parent(s).

4. It is your job to supply the parent with cheap labor, obedience and gratitude for their grand gestures like feeding and housing you.

5. If you strive for independence or self-sufficiency then you are labeled, selfish ,callous, disloyal and greedy.

6. The parents are to be honored with unchallenged respect at all times because they cannot make a mistake or an error of judgement.

7. You are to recognise that their cruelty is really loving  discipline which is imposed on you " for your own good".

I could elaborate, but maybe others can add to this dogpile....John.

[bunny as guest]

Hi Kelly,

Keep telling yourself that your mother's unhappiness is not your responsibility. And here is a suggestion from my own experience: DO NOT TELL HER ANYTHING. SHE CANNOT BE SUPPORTIVE. AVOID HER WHEN YOU NEED SUPPORT. TELL US, NOT HER. Y'know?

hugs,
bunny

[Overcomer]

Hey Guys!!!  Yes, I agree, Bunny!  I didn't tell her until she point blank asked me why I was going to South Dakota.  And since it is not in me to lie, I told her the truth.  I guess I should have said "Oh, I just miss my friends and decided to go bond with them a little bit."

Jophil:  You pegged it.  Every one of those "rules" is appropriate.  I think we lived in the same family!!

Thanks for your support.  I am going for it.  I even wrote on my mirror my goals so they are always in front of me.  And I am going to go and go and go until I AM successful because it will give me so much self satisfaction to be able to do life without my mom's overinvolvement.  She has always had the "power" because she has the money.  And with money comes power.  People in this forum don't understand but I need the money to get my kids through school, etc.  But when I am successful in this business venture then I can graciously say, thanks but no thanks, I can do it all by myself!!!!

[Plucky G2]

People in this forum don't understand but I need the money to get my kids through school, etc. But when I am successful in this business venture then I can graciously say, thanks but no thanks, I can do it all by myself!!!!

Hey Kelly,
rest assured that there is very little that people on this forum do not understand.   Thanks jophil for your list.  It is 100% accurate for my family.  

Kelly, my mom has less money than I do, but still insists on having the title of beneficient giver. In fact she has actually cost me a lot of money, and when I point out that she is doing or asking for something that will cost us, for example insisting that I drag our family of four to visit her, interrupting my kids' education, 4 plane tickets, rental car etc instead of her coming to visit us, she immediately starts to say that if we are having money problems, she can help, etc.

All this to say, that when you achieve independence financially, don't expect the money hijinks to be over.  She will have a hard time with it, and you, you will will be paying for her help for a very long time to come.

Plucky G2

[kelly as guest]

Well I guess it is obvious that you cannot change a leopard's spots!  So no matter what, I will never get my mom's blessing on anything I do that is not what she wants me to do.

But don't you get some satisfaction in knowing that you can do it all by yourself?  And isn't it wonderful to think that no matter what she says or does - IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER??

I'm am getting there and the icing on the cake will be when I don't need her anymore!!

[Plucky G2]

So no matter what, I will never get my mom's blessing on anything I do that is not what she wants me to do.

As long as you remember this, forever and ever, amen you will be ok.  Start now.

But don't you get some satisfaction in knowing that you can do it all by yourself? And isn't it wonderful to think that no matter what she says or does - IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER??

But your mom is ill.  What she thinks in her twisted mind doesn't matter NOW.  You don't have to wait.

I'm am getting there and the icing on the cake will be when I don't need her anymore!!

That will be a wonderful day!  Yahoo!  

But remember that had she not crippled you with a difficult life so far, you'd be that much farther ahead.  So in a way she owes you.  Don't think you owe her or she is doing some fab thing for you.  She is just paying a fee to keep you right where she wants you.   It is worth it to her!  Watch what happens when you don't need it anymore!  Just watch!

[hey_dahl]

Help me to shake off these feelings of her raining on my parade and making me afraid to be successful!!!

Hi Kelly,
I think that horrible feeling of your mom "raining on your parade" is because you are looking to her for approval, which is like looking to a tiger for a big hug. I've found that seeking my "mommy's" approval has been the hardest thing for me to shake. She was never pleased, so for some bizarre reason, I just kept trying harder, hoping that one day, if I just found the right thing to say or the right way to say it, or the right time of day to say it, that she'd rain down the glory of her approval. But you will never get that approval, unless of course you've done something which makes her look really fab.

My t told me over a year ago, that in order to get over that constant desire for her approval (and to please her), I would need to begin to mourn for the mother that I never had and for the mother/daughter relationship that I never had. I only heard it as "words" at first, that I could understand in my head, but not in my heart. It took about a year before the mourning actually began. But once I went through the intense sadness of not ever having the "mommy" I so badly desired, I was finally able to start seeing my Nmom objectively as someone I would never be friends with had I met them in some other situation. And now, her approval of my life, of me, of my achievements and whether she's pleased or not, has become so much less important to me. Not that it's gone entirely, because I think it's there in my core still, but I don't feel like I'm going to wither and die now.
Also, it helps that I haven't spoken to her in about 3 years!

hey_dahl

[Anonymous]

Hi Kelly,

if I were you I would have been glad that I told her.

i would consider that in being able to that, I am totally healed.

because my vision is my business   .

i think that in not being able to tell her, it shows my fear of her. Well, to me anyway! and that disempowers me. that stays with me in the dark hours. "why am I afraid"?

like in thinking "if I tell her, what will she say" and shuddering. this is about control, and imagining who is in control. imagination plays a big part in this.

if you are going to manage a large network marketing business then you need to be able to practice controlling of your imaginings of your mother's real impact and influence. it's really Wizard of Oz type stuff in the bigger scheme of things.

disregard her. she gave you birth. so what!    big deal!  

give her no thought other than her true due and what she really deserves. and that really your right and is for you decide.

learn thought control . everytime you find yourself thinking "what would mother think or say or react to" no matter how satisfying or obvious, reject it all! even the idea of success being the best revenge has it's own equal and superficial and revolting opposite. the good and the bad - in balance- in most of us -  create benign in most of us.

you can lose her power by overlooking her opinion or influence totally by rejecting her rights or involvement on a mental level.

paint her out of the picture totally in every of your endeavours. give her no place. especially without your permission.

whenever she appears, either as an incentive or influence, dispel her totally. give her no control.

be successful for you and yours alone. for nobody else. not for gratitude, not for revenge and not for ego. Just for you. think about you and your pure and true dreams and remain true to them.

stay fast to your hopes. keep all nay-sayers and controllers out of that area always. your life is for you to live. your life is yours, no-one elses.

I'm really rooting for you Guest

[Overcomer]

Well thank you all for giving me such great advice!!  The thing I have found out about myself is that I HAVE broken the total control over my life a few years ago and it caused HUGE angst.  There was out-and-out war between us and she labeled me "unstable" and hystrionic!!  So now I choose to never tell her anything of what I am doing because I KNOW she will rain on my parade.  But when I am forced into a corner and feel like I cannot lie without being exposed as a liar (and you know, called a liar and labeled a liar by her................) then I tell the truth and have to endure the disapproval.  But part of me is so ready to do my thing that I think I will be MORE successful because she is my WHY!!  Why am I doing it?  To break free from my Nmom!!

It's also ironic in that my mom was nominated to be on the main board of directors in our industry.  The ballot came through our store and she gave me the ballot and said "You take care of this."  (With a smile.)  I voted for her and put the ballot in the mail.  Meanwhile, I volunteered for a board in our marketing group (a board that she used to be on - but now she was interested in bigger and better boards!!!)  So today she called me and told me she didn't win!!!   So now I am on a board and she is not.  And believe me, if I know her she is steaming mad!!  She said she was ok with not being voted in but I know it is driving her crazy because her whole reason for living is to be well known.  She loves her picture in magazines and being introduced at convention.  I think she may shrivel up and die!  And for some reason that is SO enpowering to me!

[Plucky G2]

I think she may shrivel up and die! And for some reason that is SO empowering to me!

Yes!  I hear ya.  Go with it.  Conjure up that image when she is spewing her N-ness at you.    Keep it handy to make you smile.
PS I am not going to pretend with you that I don't know WHY that is so empowering...

Feeling excessively
Plucky

[Overcomer]

I have to really watch myself to not gloat at the thought of her not being on top.  All my life my mom has been so motivated and so successful and so well thought of.  I have lived my life in the shadow and domination of my mother.  

She is fighting her aging with plastic surgery.  She has had two facelifts starting when she was in her late 40s.  She also had a tummy tuck.  So now people truly think we are sisters.  I am heavier than she is and have not had the benefit of facelifts, etc.  Anyway, I think it must be so hard on her to do everything she can to stay on top, only to be defeated by someone I am sure she feels is inferior to her!  But I think that people are finally realizing that she is losing her edge.  I think she is getting Alzheimer's and she cannot hide those lost thoughts and fumbling for words.

So for the last couple of days I have literally prayed for forgiveness when I start to smile when I think of her losing!!!!  I don't want to be as bad as she has been.  I just want to be happy for her when she does well, and sad for her when she doesn't!!

Can we not feel some kind of sick satisfaction when our N parent fails>?

[mum as guest]

Hey, Kelly:
Couple of thoughts: One about plastic surgery: My sisters and I laugh about this one (I am the youngest at 47, so it's a topic!!)
I think if I keep my face and body endlessly "young" with plastic surgery, it will be that much harder to let go of life when my time comes to die...
at least if I am very old and also look it, it will be a whole lot easier to look in the mirror and say: "ok, I'm done! I can move on....."
But, of course, your mom is all about control.....even controlling time....jeeeeepers.

And I saw a parallel (which you may or may not see....that's ok) beween your mom and my ex NNNNNN.
My ex is failing....he is losing work, his marriage stinks and he is losing the respect of his children.  It was and is all his own negative doing.
One reason I can't find any joy in his obvious downward spiral, is that he is still trying to take me and the kids with him .  God help him (but of course, he "doesn't need help"). If he werent' such a jerk to us, I'm still not sure I would find any happiness in this....it's more like pity, that he will never be happy.  What a wasted life.

I think that as soon as you can extricate yourself from the energy play between you and your mother (as in it is no longer YOUR focus, either) then you will be free of her.  As long as you still care what she thinking, feels, etc, about you or your successes, you are still keeping that energy (good or bad) between you going.  I believe this to be true for me as well......and it is definately easier said than done.  (If I finally do it, I'll let you know. )  However, your moving on, with your own life and goals, is no small part your mother's decline.....and (it's the case with my ex) she will no doubt get worse as you get better.  I think that's inevitable....as you pull out of that game and stop supplying her, she will make some counter moves to get you back into that.
Keep moving forward, and keep in your head what YOU want from your life. It looks like you are doing this already, right?

I'm also sorry your mom is such a miserable b****. But someday you will thank her (maybe not to her nipped and tucked face) for teaching you how NOT to do life!!!

[Plucky G2]

Hi Kelly,
Others can take the high road.  I say, if it brings you joy, be joyful!

I have to really watch myself to not gloat at the thought of her not being on top. All my life my mom has been so motivated and so successful and so well thought of. I have lived my life in the shadow and domination of my mother.

If you so-called mother had been supportive of you, you would feel happiness at her successes and sad when she fails.  Instead, she has torn you down and diminished you whenever she could.  What kind of door mat would you have to be, to be happy for her as she furthers her sick goals which enable her to continue to destroy you?  I ask you.

She is fighting her aging with plastic surgery. She has had two facelifts starting when she was in her late 40s. She also had a tummy tuck. So now people truly think we are sisters. I am heavier than she is and have not had the benefit of facelifts, etc.

As we all have heard and all pay lip service to, true beauty is internal.  There is no facelift for your mom's infected and twisted soul.  You, on the other hand, are lifting your soul through understanding and reaching towards health.  Forget about her and her ridiculous goal of competing with you.   How wrong to try to show up her beautiful daughter!

Anyway, I think it must be so hard on her to do everything she can to stay on top, only to be defeated by someone I am sure she feels is inferior to her!

Poor, poor mom.  No scratch that.  Serves her right!   HAhahahahahaha!

I just want to be happy for her when she does well, and sad for her when she doesn't!!

  Why?  Don't deny your true feelings,. remember that's how we all got into this mess.  Just don't get TOO into it.  Chuckle, and move on.  And don't be silly enough to feel guilty.   If there were no consequences for her wicked actions, the world would be an awful place, now wouldn't it?

Kelly, feeling vindicated is a natural, healthy reaction.  Don't quash it!  That would be going against nature.

Plucky

[kelly as guest]

Well, when my mother and I had our huge blow up about four years ago and I finally was successful in drawing some pretty definite lines in the sand (and she labeled me unstable.......................because I yelled and screamed and slammed doors.....maybe I was unstable but I just blew up.....years of control finally got to me and I had had it.......) my main goal in life was to discredit my mom.  And I was successful at work.  Everyone at work thinks she uses smoke and mirrors to make people think she knows what she is doing.  They also resent the fact that she won't listen to them and does what she wants in the business but doesn't work out on the retail floor and really doesn't have a clue how it works or runs.  So a part of me felt vindicated.  Someone finally knew what I had gone through all my life and that felt good.  I still have a problem with talking badly about my mother in front of employees.  It's almost like an inside joke between me and the long time employees who realize what she is all about.  But now it seems that the industry is starting to realize it, too.  I know she has been in some committee meetings were she has a hard time bantering back and forth.  When she has something to say, she makes everyone stop talking and listen to her.  And if someone interrupts her, she stops and asks them "Can I please finish before you interrup me?"  Well anyone knows that in a committee meeting there is a lot of talking back and forth, brainstorming, etc.  Someone said something like "oh, she's your mother?"  That made me feel good, too.  Like, "You poor girl, she's your mother??"""