I hate holidays!

[write]

I don't know whether it's years of holidays turning into family or marital disaster days, but there was nothing wrong today, I just felt really miserable.

4th July is a family day and everywhere are families having normal happy fun...just left me feeling a bit empty.

[Plucky as guest]

4th July is a family day and everywhere are families having normal happy fun.

I think you made a typo.  Allow me to correct it:

4th July is a family day and everywhere are families having miserable dysfunctional struggles.  Glad I'm not part of it.

Remember the family fantasy!

[mudpuppy]

Hi Plucky,

I think I know what you were driving at and I know it sometimes seems like all families are pretty screwy but there really are some pretty normal people having pretty normal lives.
The family I was born into turned out to be rather dysfunctional after I grew up, but the one I married into is loving and kind and fairly normal however you define it.
 I just want to hold out some hope that there are people, here and there, getting along, loving each other instead of trying to hurt each other.



mudpup

[write]

I hope that the people I saw were mostly just having good times...would hate to think they're all going through some of the stuff we have...

I actually had a nice enough day, it's just something about the holidays, I always dread them and just can't relax. Too many have been too stressful I guess.

When I lived with n-h I hated the way he'd not get up, and not join in, and I ended up running around trying to make everything seem wonderful.

As for my father, all his high days and holidays revolved around alcohol!

Oh well, it's over now.

Even my redneck neighbours who seem to have spent all their recent disposable income on firecrackers to throw along the road have finally gone quiet and I can put the puppy outside & get back to my version of normality!

[Plucky]

Actually write, I read something a while back about creating your own traditions and special days for people whose past made the holidays an awful experience.  I guess there are a lot of them out there.

Yes, mudpup, I know that logically you are right, it just seems that everywhere I look I see illness and wrongness and badness in families.

I think it is just a function of the exposure of the 'fantasy family' ideal.  (Thank you October for putting such an apt name on it.)  Surely all is not bad out there.  I just see it because I am finally seeing it and understanding it and not standing for it.

On the other hand, a lot is actually bad, so I don't think that 'wonderful family envy' should be a big thing with us refugees from our families.   For lots of people, their friends are a much better family.

But I digress.  Write, I hope your day was ok on the whole.  If your puppy is your only family today, then at least your family is loyal, honest, loving, and cuddly!

But making your own special days and traditions might be a good way for you to overcome the negative effects of the mainstream holidays (which have become so commercial anyway, that they have much more economic meaing than anything else - oh here I go again, sorry).  

I think I'd better go as I'm not succeeding at being positive and you don't really need more cynicism, now do you?  Glad you're feeling better.
So-called
Plucky

[write]

the puppy is the best thing to happen in a long time!

I just get so agitated around holidays where we're supposed to be having a good time...I can't sleep, it's almost 2 am here and I'm wide awake ( not good for Bipolar 1- triggers mania...fortunately I have some medication I can take )

STOP APOLOGISING for your legitimate comments and experiences Plucky: they're a big help.

I'm so glad I'm not alone in all this...

[October]

..

[Brigid]

Write, et al,
I agree with you about a dislike of the holidays.  For most years of my marriage, I was happy with them as long as I did not have to be with my parents, but now they can get very long and lonely.  I spent what time I could with my kids this long weekend and we did go watch the fireworks last night with my son's girlfriend.  That time is enjoyable, but always feels odd and incomplete.  I'm sure there are many unhappy families pretending to be having a good time, but I also believe there are many who actually are having fun together--even if there are one or two dysfunctional members of the group (every family has them).  

I have been trying to create new traditions, especially around Christmas as that is such an emotional holiday for me.  For the last 2 years I have taken the kids away from here and we have spent Christmas in hotels.  The kids have actually enjoyed it and asked me last night where we are going this year.  I guess time will tell.

Brigid

[dogbit]

Gosh, just reading about this makes me anxious!  Birthdays and holidays are truly a void for me.  When the kids were little, I did all the Christmas stuff but actually couldn't sleep for days.  I didn't know if I was doing it right and what if they didn't like this or that.  I don't even need to say this, but as a child my mother would be ranting and raving and my father was either not home or having a couple of beers to get through the event.  (I know many of you have been there, done that)
I couldn't do the big birthday parties for the kids because I would freeze in panic.  First, I had never had one and second,  what if I couldn't make everyone happy?  My husband was of no help.  Even if he was there, he wasn't there.  And he was the most important one to please.  He tends to get very angry at odd times    

I did start a tradition for Thanksgiving.  We would have the big dinner but would rent videos for the whole day to avoid having to sit around the table.  And for Christmas, the same thing.  Big dinner, presents, videos.  In retrospect, I'm realizing that a great part of it was my husband's subtle and not so subtle criticism of everything I did.  At the time, I didn't even take it as criticism.  I thought he was smarter and more experienced and more sophisticated than I so he must be right.  But his "suggestions" were the only thing he did.  None of the actual planning and work.

It's taken me well over 20 years to finally realize I "married my mother" and what that meant.  I have hope for future holidays since I'm getting a divorce and I know a hell of a lot more now than I did a few years ago.  Now I know why I was so frozen at holiday times so now I can do something about it.

[Anonymous]

I'm divided about holidays. I like them because I get off work. I dislike them because I end up having to do visit my parents rather than lounge around, enjoying the leisure time. Somehow, I rarely compare myself to others who seem "happy" - for some reason their situations seem so distant to me. I think I purposely tune them out.

bunny

[Stormchild]

Oh write.

I used to hate them myself... now, would you believe, I just don't do them. I have no immediate family now, and everyone I know is doing their own thing, so I spend them alone, pretty much routinely. Have for years; when I lived overseas I had no family near.

Not sure how to put this next bit, so bear with me. I enjoy being alone at these times. I don't invite myself to other folks' festivities... and such folks as I know at work and at home tend not to think about inviting me to theirs. I pretty universally don't mind that... because [here is the hard part] I'd rather be around the kind of folks who want me to join them because they like me and spontaneously think of me; I don't want to be with folks who include me as a sop, or an afterthought, or out of a sense of charity, or because I laid a guilt trip on 'em... or because they want to use me in some way, as a source of something that is inappropriate for them to want from me [as in gifts greedily sought, free taxi service somewhere unpleasant and expensive to drive to, N-supply type of attention, adulation, etc. etc.].

My 4th of July was glorious. The weather was perfect - I slept late, read stuff I really enjoyed, did some truly decadent cooking, played music (I mean a musical instrument), had hours and hours of kitty cat petting, took long walk in gorgeous dry sunny mildly warm weather, got a nice brownness on my skin. And the whole time I was thinking how incredibly lucky I was, to be safe, to be content, to have both my kitties still with me.

Sure, I was alone in the human sense, but oh mama, it was so much nicer than most of the holidays when I haven't been!

[write]

we just did a family beach day. It was nice, but n-h still has enough annoying habits to make me realise I cannot live with him. He's a lot nicer than he was, but it's like there's always some little thing wrong with him, makes it hard to just relax, and because we've had years of it I tend to get tense and jumpy even before he says anything!

Loved the sound of the sea, and a peaceful hour I spent reading in the sun though, and watching my son and the puppy playing in the waves.

And yes Stormchild- all the hours I spend alone have slowly gone from being lonely and anxious to peaceful and necessary, I can appreciate you enjoying that tranquility. That's a good place to reach.