dialogue in my head?

[write]

Since I sent the angry email to ex-n the other day it's like I've kept up a stream of dialogue in my head: what I want to explain to him, what I will say if we ever speak, what I want to hear him say...it's awful, I keep switching it off then a few minutes later it's back.

I don't want this man in my life, but I'm still furious at the cavaliar way he treated me and obviously continues to treat others.

What can I do to forget about him?

There's a new man in my life, just very casual at this stage, hardly know him. I wonder if that's why I'm replaying this last relationship all the time? I am really scared of getting involved, and getting hurt yet again. New guy doesn't seem like a narcissist; in fact dare i say this but I didn't even fancy him at first, he doesn't have the arrogance which all the other men do ( and I clearly find attractive for some reason- gish this post makes me look really sick! )

Sometimes I wonder if I'll go crazy thinking about things I cannot change.

Oh and my father has cancelled his visit, can't afford apparently; he was happy to come when he thought we'd pay for everything...in a way I'm relieved, but also- disappointed that he knows I've been ill and having a rough time, and wouldn't a real parent want to hurry out here and make sure their daughter was ok?

I'm just having one of those weeks where all these bad relationships have come back to haunt me.

[October]

Since I sent the angry email to ex-n the other day it's like I've kept up a stream of dialogue in my head: what I want to explain to him, what I will say if we ever speak, what I want to hear him say...it's awful, I keep switching it off then a few minutes later it's back.

I'm just having one of those weeks where all these bad relationships have come back to haunt me.

This sounds to me like symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder.  It feels like going mad because you can't stop thinking and thinking about a scenario; what you should or should not say/have said or do/have done.  It is called ruminative preoccupation, and it is a normal response to stress; it is part of the 'fight or flight' mechanism that kicks in.  It is like being confronted with a tiger and searching for a safe way out.  Same thing, but in a modern setting.

A feeling of being haunted by the past is also characteristic of ptsd.  You might like to look into this further, to  help take your mind off these people.   

One place to start:

http://www.sidran.org/

Meanwhile ((((((hugs))))))

[Stormchild]

What a wonderful site, October. What a gift! Would you consider posting the URL on the "What Helps?" board?

[write]

Thanks October. Am working my way through the articles on the site, it's very interesting.

Last year was extremely traumatic, and one of the worst things is I trusted and confided in this man- his betrayal was the last straw I guess.

I think I'll call the doctor; maybe I need some anti-anxiety medication.

I've been doing so well I down't want a setback to turn into another bout of illness.

[dogbit]

 

think I'll call the doctor; maybe I need some anti-anxiety medication

The dialogue goes off in my head also.  Anti-anxiety medication has helped me.  Also having two good friends who knew me before I married Mr. Entitlememt!  It's getting better meaning two out of three days are good.  I also have dogs who tell me how life should be  .  Oddly, I have decided not to help or save anyone anymore.  That is what got me into trouble before with my family and my husband.  I'll do anything I can for someone I can respect and like but I ain't going to save the world anymore.  As soon as I feel sorry for someone, I take a time-out to reconsider.  My husband also was very arrogant.  I mistook it as confidence.  DUH!  It's taken some time but I think I am learning to take care of myself.   I'm glad you are angry.  I think it is a very healthy way to look at your ex-N.  I don't know how to turn off the dialogues but, for me at least, they are growing dimmer.  I guess we just need to have them?  And to recognize them for what they are which is a venting we were not allowed before.

[October]

 I don't know how to turn off the dialogues but, for me at least, they are growing dimmer.  I guess we just need to have them?  And to recognize them for what they are which is a venting we were not allowed before.

One way to deal with the dialogue is to write it down.  This gets it out of your head, and also helps you to resolve lots of tangled thoughts into a structure of some kind.  One thing to do might be to write a long, detailed letter to the person concerned, telling them exactly what you think of them.  Then seal it into an envelope, and put their name on it.  Then reward yourself for a job well done in whatever way seems best to you. 

What you do with the letter then is up to you.  Very satisfying to take it into the garden and set light to it.   

I would not recommend sending it to an N, though.  Regard it rather like Top Secret information, that must never fall into the hands of the enemy.  They do not deserve to be given such a gift.

[bunny]

Since I sent the angry email to ex-n the other day it's like I've kept up a stream of dialogue in my head: what I want to explain to him, what I will say if we ever speak, what I want to hear him say...it's awful, I keep switching it off then a few minutes later it's back.

I don't want this man in my life, but I'm still furious at the cavaliar way he treated me and obviously continues to treat others.

What can I do to forget about him?

I might ask myself why it's important that he give me satisfaction. I would think: I am okay and I don't need him to satisfy my requirements any more. He can do whatever he wants. He cannot break me. The time when he could break me is over. He goes his way, I go mine. Vaya con Dios. (Not easy, but that's how I'd frame it.)


Oh and my father has cancelled his visit, can't afford apparently; he was happy to come when he thought we'd pay for everything...in a way I'm relieved, but also- disappointed that he knows I've been ill and having a rough time, and wouldn't a real parent want to hurry out here and make sure their daughter was ok?

It depends on the circumstances, I wouldn't automatically expect this of a parent. If they can't afford it, but will talk on the phone, or email, or something, I would give him a break. I don't know much about your father, though. Maybe he's a selfish pr((k.

bunny

[Portia]

Hiya Write, Bunny said:

I don't know much about your father, though. Maybe he's a selfish pr((k.

which did make me smile! and i just want to ask.....you can guess.....what is your Dad like? Want to talk about him? I can't remember you mentioning him before (much, if at all)? Does he still live here, in the area that is now savagely deprived?

[write]

I don't know much about your father, though. Maybe he's a selfish pr((k.

bunny

oh, you know him?!

Actually I'm pleased he's getting on with his life, and I do believe I've been one of the 'enablers' to keep him stuck for many years...he only built a new life after I told him I was cutting contact.

I think in his own way he does love me, but I'm the oldest child and was a sort of scapegoat in my family.

No, he's not short of cash, but he's always had these strange expectations of me.

Yes, he's still in the Midlands.

***

I upped my medication and the dialogue is fading; I feel a lot better today. Thanks y'all!

[Moira]

Hi " Write". I can relate. For months before I kicked my N. to the curb, I coresponded soley by Email with him simply because it was not the crazy making abusive sick communication face to face. After I dumped him, I was deluged with emails, notes, viocemail etc. alternating between " Oh baby, I really love you...we can work through this, PROVIDING YOU GET SOME COUNSELING BECAUSE YOU CLEARLY HAVE A MENTAL ILLNESS FOR TREATING ME LIKE SHIT", verbal abuse, wild accusations etc. I returned one email and boy, was that a mistake. The only way to guarantee your N will stop contacting you is to faithfully IGNOE any and all forms of communication. DON"T respond to ANYTHING. Ns thrive on negativity and argument as much as adoration. If you refuse to engage, you aren't giving them anything. They will quickly move on to a new victim. I am bipolar and OCD- my illness is something my ex N used to the max to exploit me. He knew that it is very difficult for me to find a man who will not only understand my illness but accept it and support me. He tried out for that " PART" and got the part. Passed the audition with flying colours! I became more depressed and agitated throughout the pretend relationship and he delighted in it under the guise of " trying to get me help". My physcial health was trashed- stopped sleeping, lost alot of weight and I'm thin anyway, got sick constantly. It's now been a month since I stopped responding to him in any way and I've heard nothing. Heard through the grapevine he found a new group of people to bleed dry. He joined NA and now is living in a swanky gov. paid for rehab. open ended treatment, can stay as long as he wants, is financuially supported and has people to unsuspectingly buy his tales of woe. Better them than me! Hang in and use all your supports. Build new ones. Reconnect to life. I am nervous- this is just my opinion- about your finding a new guy so quickly. You're just ending the most destructive and sould destroying kind of relationship and now you're getting into another relationship immediately. Be brutally honest and ask why you're doing this so quickly and why now? I don't think, no matter how " normal and nice" the man appears to be- remember the N. who also appeared great at the beginning?- this has any potential of developing into a healthy relationship. What kind of man would want to start a relationship with a woman just exiting such abuse? doesn't he see you as extremely fragile and vulnerable? Not slagging your friend- BE CAREFUL. The one you need to protect is yourself. Be friends and take your time, if he's worth it, he'll understand and not want to jump into something. you need- as we all do- time to explore why you chose your N and endured the abuse- and heal. It is possible. Be good to YOURSELF instead of pouring everything into another relationship