Hi Sally, yes I left my N mom for good and many Ns far worse than the one I am struggling to leave now......
I did not have contact with my N mom for nearly 20 years. I cut it off entirely only after repeated attempts (about 8 years on and off) to get her to love me and to get her to be a "mom" to me. Then I just stopped all together (cold turkey after 8 years!
) and what a wonderful feeling I had finally! Freedom. I hadn't know what I was missing. If not for the foster care system I may not have ever left her. I was forced to leave. I still suffer for not having a family and yet I know now I would have suffered not having a family anyway had I stayed in contact and yet would have paid the price of striving for nothing.
By leaving I learned that in reality I'd never had what I'd feared loosing.
I contacted her again a few months ago and was so glad I hadn't bothered for all those prior years. AND, I also learned a lot about myself and about her by seeing her again.
Interesting that although I barely lived with her at all after I was about 10 (foster homes etc. instead) I was reminded anew a few months ago when I saw her how much I'd ingested during that first decade when I was so impressionable. I knew I was/children are sponges yet seeing her again taught me more intimately and emotionally what I had understood generally and intellectually. It lit a fire under my arse to rid myself of the remnants. I also became much more clear about my husbands Nism and how I respond to him and how I learned to be responsive to some folks who act like self absorbed butt heads by being raised with her.
I also have more compassion for her than ever. Still, I do not desire to spend time with her other than on a few rare occasions and that is mostly for the purpose of trying to get information about my background and to perhaps (if and when it suits me only) toss some comfort her way for the things she did to right as a parent. I really have little to offer her anyway. I cannot feed her desire for image vs. reality even when she isn't at the moment presenting an insulting or defensive version of her falseness. She has people in her life to give her that.
As seeker wisely noted in her post about forgiveness - it is not synonymous with reconciliation. I forgave my mother long ago. By that I mean I came to recognize emotionally as well as intellectually that she did do some things right as a parent and that she is just a human who under conditions only really experienced and knowable to herself became the damaged soul that she is. My guess is that had I lived every moment of her childhood I'd have turned out very similar to her. Our genetic make up as I understand it really only gives us very subtle differences in temperment. An identical twin's chance of getting schizophrenia is still much more a result of environment than by genetics alone. As for siblings - they each experience a different aspect of the same family so I don't count that as a fair comparison - to say they had the "same" childhood as she did. They are all messed up in their own way anyhow.
Sometimes I do feel guilt still- I haven't returned her last call for a month.
And, I get through it with shear ease. I am able to respond to it, to myself, rather than react. I just say to myself " hmmm, interesting, that is guilt I am feeling". Without much thought I can instantly visualize what my life would be like if I let myself become beholding to her attempts at guilt. Had I never left I don't think I'd have had a real understanding of what I was missing and so would not have been as motivated to stay away and have boundaries now. The foster homes were mostly hell yet I learned to keep moving. I also have no trouble realizing that she let me grow up very alone and having to find other sources to look to and that she also has done without me for 20 years. When I was taken from home by social services due to a policeman discovering I was being locked in the backyard she said it was 99%my fault and 1% hers for being human. She would point up at the hospital windows when we went to a Dr. appt. and she was worried they'd notice my bruised and she would tell me that their were children in those rooms whose parents burned them with cigarettes and I was lucky that she didn't do that. I have not trouble recalling that if I dare utter one word about responsibility for the past her rage with uncoil like a striking snake. I can still hear the veiled hardness in her voice when I spoke with her this summer. When she visited a few months ago my having had melanoma was of no expressed concern to her only that we weren't going to the museum she had wanted to go to. She barely contained her anger and it rattled in her voice. Yet regarding my health there was not even a tinge of care.
Now I am working on leaving my N husband.
I have left much worse Ns that him (before I knew about "Nism") and it always took me longer than I had hoped and yet I have learned so much each time and have graduated to lesser versions of N men over the years. I believe that seeing my mother again and finding this site and the support here and realizing there was this constant pattern in my relationships I now will never get up close and personal with an N type again. I really feel in a knowing way that is true.
With each departure I learn more about how to avoid the road back. Meanwhile I still am struggling with getting out of my current situation.
Not a black and while all or nothing answer and yet I hope this helps illustrate some of what leaving (and even leaving again for good) can be about.
Take Care.
Accappella - signing in as guest because I don't want my N-traited husband reading my posts, he found out about this site...arrg.
