Author Topic: Have you left a narcissist behind for good? What's it like?  (Read 11363 times)

sally

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Have you left a narcissist behind for good? What's it like?
« on: December 01, 2003, 10:01:52 PM »
Has anybody left a narcissist behind for good?  Your father, mother, husband, wife....?

I did it a few years ago and am still alive and feel pretty good, but sometimes I think I won't survive it.

Any experiences out there?

guest

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Have you left a narcissist behind for good? What's it like?
« Reply #1 on: December 02, 2003, 01:38:05 AM »
I broke off an engagement to a narcissist a number of years ago.  We were together for 2 or 3 years, living together most of that time.  It was the hardest thing I'd ever done and it took me three years to completely get over him.  I thought I was going to die without him.  But time heals just about everything, and in light of what I now know about his NPD, I realize I came perilously close to a life of total hell.  He recently got married and I thank God every day that she's his wife and not me.  

If my N father weren't still married to my mother, I would never speak to him again either.  I used to think it was terrible for family members not to forgive each other and reconcile.  Now I've realized it's a healthy choice when the family member is too personality-disordered to be capable of a human relationship.

Good luck with whatever choices you make.

Anonymous

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Have you left a narcissist behind for good? What's it like?
« Reply #2 on: December 02, 2003, 02:23:32 AM »
Guest,

I dated my N for two years too.  I used to wonder why I would get so stirred up about him for.  I did not realise until I was away from him that the reason I was so confused most of the time with his actions is because they were so off the wall.  Laughing one minte telling me how much he loved me, next minute I was a slut and he couldn't stand the sight of me.  My head spun 24/7.  They mess with your mind but I will say one thing, He may have crippled my thoughts for a while, but I would bet my last dollar if we would have married these men, our thoughts would be paralysed.  

I almost felt if I would have left him I would have been letting him down as well as myself.  I am not a quitter.  I work hard at what I want in my life and damn it I wanted him.  But it is what it is and I thank goodness that he was the type of N who walked away and with no  contact  That hurts like hell because it only proves to me that every word he said was a lie.  We have been broke up for around 6 months now.  I can finally see something good out of our relationship.  I finally realise that I can love somebody more than I had ever dreamed.  I actually think about what we could have had if he would have been, "Normal".  He would have been the one.  Instead I realise now that he is the one missing out.  I gave it my all and for the life of me I can't understand why any of us had to experience this.  Reading it out of a book and living it are as different as night and day.

You have been out of your relationship for 3 yrs?  Great, 2 1/2 more years before I can have another genuine smile, until I dont have to turn my head so the people around me can't see my cry.  I think if he would have given me the respect that I deserved and been a man and ended it in a different manner, I wouldnt be near this affected.  I think their lack of feelings sends us scrambling for all of the answers.  I have been asked out numerous times over the past 3 months.  All I can say is I hope for my sake that I can believe another man.  I might just be letting a hell of a guy go because of the emotional scars this man has left me with.  An apology would have gone a loooong way.  Nah, he decided to do a restraining order instead.  How bizarre is that?  I exposed him to a few of his friends and called his daughters school to make sure her safety was maintained.  I told him he needed to be held accountable for his actions by somebody in his lifetime.  He of course now says I am psychotic, well hells bells, N is enough to make anyone nuts.  

Nuts, nah!  I finally am now holding him accountable for his dirty deeds.  I just can wait for my time in this mental prison to be finito.  I will take your word that I only have 2 1/2 yrs left, guess thats better than a life sentence of hell.  

I am very proud of those who can muster up the strength to leave once they have been in that situation for a long time.  I only had two years and I was definately a weaker person because of it.  I am slowly but surely working my way back up.  Letting someone take your spirit away from you is actually worse then the broken rib I got.  Words cut so deep, to bad they do not have the capability of ever knowing how bad they hurt us.  Life goes on for them and we all realised we had to go on.  It is the hardest thing I have ever done, but I know I will be looking back on this one day.  Soon I hope, soon!

Jaded

sally

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leaving a narcissist behind
« Reply #3 on: December 02, 2003, 07:55:24 PM »
Thanks for your replies.  Very interesting, very helpful.  I'll spend some time thinking about them.

The narcissist I had to leave behind was my mother.  A wicked, hard person.  Verbally and emotionally abusive, of course.  You could write the book on N about her.  Well, actually she wrote her own book.  All about herself.  Her memoirs.  About how wonderful she is.  Nobody would publish it.  She paid a fortune to have it printed.  Nobody bought it.  She couldn't stand the disappointment, so she went to bed.  She's been in bed for 5 years now and has a staff of nurses and servants to give her attention.  She became quietly enraged and made everyone miserable--as usual.  

I'd put up with this same kind of hysterical and selfish behavior from her for 47 years.  Tried like hell to make her happy.  I had to quit.  I moved out of town without telling her and started a new life.

Four years ago, I cut the neurotic ties.  I've not seen her nor talked to her. It's been wonderful.  But very frightening.  I was used to spending 90% of all my energy dealing with her, so I have all kinds of time and energy to myself.  Glad it's over, but I sure feel beat up and worn out.  And sometimes very cruel and heartless.

Anastasia

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It's wonderful and why did I wait so long?
« Reply #4 on: December 03, 2003, 09:37:01 AM »
Read any of my posts and you will get my feedback on this.
WHY did I wait so long?
On hindsite, should have left that imbecilic brother of mine 25 years ago.  He was just a waste of my time and energy.  Obvious why he has zero friends...what a jerk!
And my mother, once I matured, I realized where she was coming from and it just caused me pain:  everyone wants their mothers to love them, I would assume, so she was always such a disappointment to me.  So, I left the situation for 21 years and am glad I did.  God knows how messed up my child would have been had he been raised around her!
Leave and save yourself if that seems right for you.  It was for me and I wish I had done it years and years ago.  
How is it to leave?  It's worth it!  It brought me peace of mind. :D

CC

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Have you left a narcissist behind for good? What's it like?
« Reply #5 on: December 03, 2003, 02:21:19 PM »
Hi Sally,

No, I've never left one behind.  But I have really been thinking about it lately.  I think you may be braver than I, and I envy those with the strength.. though each choice is probably equally as difficult.  You may want to read some of my early posts, because the N in my life is my mother too and she lives in the same town.  I'm 35, and still dealing with this crap.  Things have improved, but there are setbacks, and this month was the biggest one in years.

See my new post "Free ticket to the theater, starring an N.."
CC - 'If it sucks longer than an hour, get rid of it!'

Star

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Have you left a narcissist behind for good? What's it like?
« Reply #6 on: December 04, 2003, 07:02:52 PM »
I left my N husband for good a year ago. For the first six months, I thought I'd die of the pain and hurt.It has been quite a process for me. to  Now, I feel so much better. I am loosened from the false belief that he was good for me in any way. When I see him at all (we have kids together) I am shocked at how much of a crazy spin he puts on everything- even a brief converation. It is dizzying.

 In my marriage, I took that as normal. I hung on to the belief that there was so much special about him during our marriage--and that someday it would fully emerge and all the bad stuff would go away. It doesn't, ever. I've starting to see him as the immature, selfish, damaging  fool he really is. I've experienced more happiness from within myself in the past month then I did in 22 years of marriage, but it has taken a while. These N's ARE NOT SPECIAL, only especially sick. My N has talent, sure, but so do a lot of other people, so big deal. The years of walking on eggshells made me and my kids sick. But we are getting well. Thank goodness for boards like this. There's just no chance for happiness when we're with N's. We're not missing a thing--except emotional torture.

Discounted Girl

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Have you left a narcissist behind for good? What's it like?
« Reply #7 on: December 05, 2003, 03:09:02 AM »
I know what the slant of this thread is -- but, I am prompted to say that as a child of an NQueen and later years NDad -- I WAS THE ONE LEFT BEHIND !!!!

cindy

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Have you left a narcissist behind for good? What's it like?
« Reply #8 on: December 12, 2003, 09:49:07 AM »
I left an N husband, and 5 years later he's still stalking, although he's had a relationship since before our separation.  Thank you, Star, for your story.  It sounds so much like mine.  It just gets better and better.  The stalking is minimal compared to the mind games.

Anonymous

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Have you left a narcissist behind for good? What's it like?
« Reply #9 on: December 12, 2003, 01:19:04 PM »
Hello everyone,

Guest, I just had to reply to your observation.

Quote
I used to think it was terrible for family members not to forgive each other and reconcile. Now I've realized it's a healthy choice when the family member is too personality-disordered to be capable of a human relationship.


Thank you.  I also felt this way.  I couldn't understand families that couldn't "get along".  This contributed to a lot of the pain I felt when I said "adios" to the exploitative members of my family.  But I'm through it now (it does take a while!).  But I feel so much better realizing that I'm still a "good person" and a healthier one for finally walking away.  After working on it, I have been able to forgive this person and get past the anger and get on with my life, regardless of that person's feelings about me.  I feel so much better about myself.  And those new feelings are not tied to how that person feels about me.  Bonus: it does lead to more free time to do the things that are important to oneself!
Best, Seeker

Discounted Girl

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Have you left a narcissist behind for good? What's it like?
« Reply #10 on: December 12, 2003, 05:23:44 PM »
Yes, I totally agree -- I have always thought it was quite shameful for in-family estrangements -- that it was for low class people and the Jerry Springer Show. Then, when the brick wall came down on my head and I finally washed my hands of my NQueenmother and all her evil ways, it has indeed freed up my time. Knowing that I won't ever have to hear that horrible voice hollering at me and accusing me and shocking me and expecting unbelievable things from me -- it is a true relief. However, it is still sad any way you want to look at it. I am sure she still tells her lies about me to any ear in the room, even if they don't believe it, she has been granted their respect (really bizarre). I am just glad I am done with her. I ask myself each day if I think I will ever feel guilty or when she dies feel like I made a mistake, and the answer is always NO. I had no choice but to cut with her -- she hates me, she always has and zeroed in all her weirdness mostly to me (she has others on whom she feeds, but I was her main source), so I had to protect myself and live my life. It's mine, not her's. Do I miss her? NOPE ... I am serious, I don't miss her at all. My past holds no fond memories of her -- never. Anyhow, if I die today I don't feel guilty. I ask the Lord about it too, and I never feel like I am holding a great burden or need to come clean. My Dad should have taken steps to get me away from her -- I will never understand why he chose to live with such a misery all those years. But, he is gone now, so, there ya go. Peace.

Guest

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Left Many....
« Reply #11 on: December 12, 2003, 07:12:37 PM »
Hi Sally, yes I left my N mom for good and many Ns far worse than the one I am struggling to leave now......

I did not have contact with my N mom for nearly 20 years. I cut it off entirely only after repeated attempts (about 8 years on and off) to get her to love me and to get her to be a "mom" to me.  Then I just stopped all together (cold turkey after 8 years!  :lol: ) and what a wonderful feeling I had finally! Freedom.  I hadn't know what I was missing.  If not for the foster care system I may not have ever left her.  I was forced to leave.  I still suffer for not having a family and yet I know now I would have suffered not having a family anyway had I stayed in contact and yet would have paid the price of striving for nothing.  By leaving I learned that in reality I'd never had what I'd feared loosing.  

I contacted her again a few months ago and was so glad I hadn't bothered for all those prior years.  AND, I also learned a lot about myself and about her by seeing her again.  

Interesting that although I barely lived with her at all after I was about 10 (foster homes etc. instead) I was reminded anew a few months ago when I saw her how much I'd ingested during that first decade when I was so impressionable.  I knew I was/children are sponges yet seeing her again taught me more intimately and emotionally what I had understood generally and intellectually.  It lit a fire under my arse to rid myself of the remnants.  I also became much more clear about my husbands Nism and how I respond to him and how I learned to be responsive to some folks who act like self absorbed butt heads by being raised with her.  

I also have more compassion for her than ever.  Still, I do not desire to spend time with her other than on a few rare occasions and that is mostly for the purpose of trying to get information about my background and to perhaps (if and when it suits me only) toss some comfort her way for the things she did to right as a parent.  I really have little to offer her anyway.  I cannot feed her desire for image vs. reality even when she  isn't at the moment presenting an insulting or defensive version of her falseness.  She has people in her life to give her that.  As seeker wisely noted in her post about forgiveness - it is not synonymous with reconciliation.  I forgave my mother long ago.  By that I mean I came to recognize emotionally as well as intellectually that she did do some things right as a parent and that she is just a human who under conditions only really experienced and knowable to herself became the damaged soul that she is.  My guess is that had I lived every moment of her childhood I'd have turned out very similar to her.  Our genetic make up as I understand it really only gives us very subtle differences in temperment.  An identical twin's chance of getting schizophrenia is still much more a result of environment than by genetics alone.  As for siblings - they each experience a different aspect of the same family so I don't count that as a fair comparison - to say they had the "same" childhood as she did.  They are all messed up in their own way anyhow.  


Sometimes I do feel guilt still- I haven't returned her last call for a month.  And, I get through it with shear ease.  I am able to respond to it, to myself, rather than react.  I just say to myself " hmmm, interesting, that is guilt I am feeling".  Without much thought I can instantly visualize what my life would be like if I let myself become beholding to her attempts at guilt.  Had I never left I don't think I'd have had a real understanding of what I was missing and so would not have been as motivated to stay away and have boundaries now. The foster homes were mostly hell yet I learned to keep moving.  I also have no trouble realizing that she let me grow up very alone and having to find other sources to look to and that she also has done without me for 20 years.  When I was taken from home by social services due to a policeman discovering I was being locked in the backyard she said it was 99%my fault and 1% hers for being human.  She would point up at the hospital windows when we went to a Dr. appt. and she was worried they'd notice my bruised and she would tell me that their were children in those rooms whose parents burned them with cigarettes and I was lucky that she didn't do that.  I have not trouble recalling that if I dare utter one word about responsibility for the past her rage with uncoil like a striking snake.  I can still hear the veiled hardness in her voice when I spoke with her this summer.  When she visited a few months ago my having had melanoma was of no expressed concern to her only that we weren't going to the museum she had wanted to go to.  She barely contained her anger and it rattled in her voice.  Yet regarding my health there was not even a tinge of care.  

Now I am working on leaving my N husband.  I have left much worse Ns that him (before I knew about "Nism") and it always took me longer than I had hoped and yet I have learned so much each time and have graduated to lesser versions of N men over the years.  I believe that seeing my mother again and finding this site and the support here and realizing there was this constant pattern in my relationships I now will never get up close and personal with an N type again.  I really feel in a knowing way that is true. With each departure I learn more about how to avoid the road back.   Meanwhile I still am struggling with getting out of my current situation.  

Not a black and while all or nothing answer and yet I hope this helps illustrate some of what leaving (and even leaving again for good) can be  about.  

Take Care.
Accappella - signing in as guest because I don't want my N-traited husband reading my posts, he found out about this site...arrg.

mcg31360

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Leaving an N for good
« Reply #12 on: December 14, 2003, 12:44:22 AM »
Sally:
I left my  Nfamily behind, except for my aunt(Nmom's sister).  After struggling for years, cutting them off periodically, and then going back for more of the same,  I finally reached my limit one day.  The way I look at it is that I wouldn't tolerate that kind of behavior from a stranger, so why tolerate it from a family member? :wink:
My cousin committed suicide several years ago, and that was the final straw for me.  Do you know what the Ns in the family had to say about that? "She had a lot of problems!"  Well, I guess so!  She ran away from home in the first grade!!!  It never occured any of them that THEY were the problem. :roll:
I am 49, and it has taken me this long to get where I am in this situation.  I can honestly tell you that I am happier than I've ever been in my entire life.  I am remarried to a wonderful man with a beautiful family.  They can't even fathom belonging to a family like mine.  I never miss any of the Ns that I left behind and don't feel the slightest bit guilty.  I don't wish anything bad on them, only pity for being so screwed up.
"Misery loves company" is the phrase that comes to mind when thinking about my Nfamily. They are all miserable. They are backstabbing, manipulative liars. They talk about each other and everyone else behind their backs. I'm sorry that their lives are so miserable, but that's no reason to let them keep ruining mine.
I hope you find the courage you need to keep up what you feel you must do. Only YOU know what's best for you. My heart goes out to you.  Good luck!

Hugs,
Cathi

Guest

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Have you left a narcissist behind for good? What's it like?
« Reply #13 on: December 15, 2003, 10:31:14 AM »
Quote from: Anonymous
Guest,

I almost felt if I would have left him I would have been letting him down as well as myself.  I am not a quitter.  I work hard at what I want in my life and damn it I wanted him.  But it is what it is and I thank goodness that he was the type of N who walked away and with no  contact.

I actually think about what we could have had if he would have been, "Normal".  He would have been the one.  Instead I realise now that he is the one missing out.  I gave it my all...

until I dont have to turn my head so the people around me can't see me cry.  

Jaded


These words you write are straight out of my experience & heart as well.   If my xN had have been "normal", he is the first man ever, that I would have considered marrying!! (and I am over 35-but younger than 40  :wink: )

I'm definitely getting better after 4 months, thankfully,  but I'm still quite upset at times, and there are also so many times when I just can't believe all of this has happened.   Am I in a Twilight Zone episode?   Sometimes I still hold out hope that I'm going to wake up in bed, in a cold sweat, and that it will all have been a bad dream.   Nothing that a nice glass of water wouldn't cure!   :(

Anonymous

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Have you left a narcissist behind for good? What's it like?
« Reply #14 on: February 12, 2004, 11:19:14 AM »
it's been over a year now since I stopped taking my father's calls, and I can no longer hear his voice in my head.
I forgive him, but I still don't want him in my life.
The rest of the family don't understand this, or how calm and happy I am.
But I finally relaised its up to me, its not about them and its my life.