Sorry for the lag in response, guys. I try to come and visit the site daily, but sometimes things get a little hectic around here at work.
Hopalong, I always think it suprising when someone sees me the way you mention. I generally feel like an emotional wreck and wonder when I will ever overcome the raw-ness of this grieving process. But it really does feel more "healthy" to address and acknowledge the pain, rather than suppress it.
And it really is a grieving process. I learned of NPD in May 2005. (my d's 5th birthday, it was). Interesting, because 5 is a VERY, VERY significant age in one's development. Particularly rough for me, because when I was 5 I attempted to make an outcry to the adults in my family that my male, teenage perverted cousins were "playing with me." Despite what I now distinctly remember as pain in my private area, nothing happened, no response from the parents. I had been in denial about all the subsequent "bad things" that happened to me until my mother and I, who had become very close in the 2 years following my undergraduate college, "fell out" over whether or not I should marry my h. I love him immensely and tried to get the two of them to bond. He was so willing, he adored her facade, but she showed her real colors when she told me that "Guys like him, (meaning attractive ones), will probably cheat on you." Heyyyyyy, I thought, Is this a knock on him or me?!!! She followed up with "Well, I'll just be there for you when he leaves you."
That was 2000 and although that broke my heart, it was only recently that I realized that I don't really have a "mommy" or a "mom" or a "ma," I have a biological mother. Those fantasies of a loving, responsive, mum died in May 2005 and now I'm left to grieve the mother of which I was deprived. I recently initiated "limited to no contact." And it has sucked so badly. She is not aware of what I've discovered about her (and my dad and possibly my sister) or of the awful repressed memories that have recently resurfaced.
A week ago, I did go as far as to use the words "bad mother" to her. Suprisingly, she was stoic and calm as she asked me to enumerate for her what exactly my "perceptions" were of what she did to me. So long, so long, I have waited for her to WANT to know what she DID to me. And when the time came, I could sense in her the willingness to defend herself before I even got out my sentiments. I guess she could sense my intense feelings. She seemed to be bracing herself somewhat, but was still on the pre-defensive. I initially told her, "Mom, you know what you did" and left it at that. I didn't believe this would torture her so, but she pleaded to know what she did that I considered "so bad". So, I tried to focus on her most recent assaults on my business and my financial livelihood, (I am also at the end of un-enmeshing process with her).
Her apology, yes she was ready with an "apology",: "Well, I'm sorry, you saw it that way, but I've been sick, sooo sick and I have to do something to try to take care of myself, I'm getting older." Another apology wrapped in a criticism. She was upset, because I have been ignoring her, not telling her of my problems, not coming around to visit, not asking for advice. Hence her assault on my business, I suppose. She wants me to know that now that she's getting older and less capable she would like to rely on me to help maintain the well to do livlihood to which she has become accustomed. Her M.O.: she strips you of the resources she initially insisted you take from her, then she waits for you to humbly return, poor and begging her forgiveness.
She has been recently been diagnosed with sleep apnea and asthma. She went on for infinity about not being able to sleep at night, having heart palpitations, and being terrified of being left alone. (Both sleep apnea and asthma are controllable with meds and medical equipment). IMO, I think her past negative acts are catching up with her and she has much anxiety about it. I think she is frightened about her future in old age, and she wants to somehow "right" everything, in order to make her own Nsupply come more organically. What's better than the authentic, chipper, cheerful, heartfelt Nsupply of a forgiving, forgetful daughter whose adoration is just what the doctor ordered? Not anymore, I have a clue now, things are different. No more sucking me dry of good emotions like pride, happiness, hopefullness, and faithfullness. I am kicking her out of my head, but not my heart. I love who she could have been had her own Nparents not killed her spirit so many times over. But I'm not going to allow her warped sense of vengence terrorize my emotional life anymore. It can be paralyzing. Then she's won.
Most of my help has come through my strong ties to God. I came to know Him as a child in a cult-like Fundamentalist religious group. Really out there, church 6 days a week, puritan facade but worst-case scenario abuse behind the scenes. But still, I could see God in the Sunday School lessons and Vacation Bible School and Church Plays and Pageants. I strayed away from God/church during my college years, when, not suprisingly, I exhibited a lot of the Nish traits I grew up on. I've recently rekindled the relationship as His teachings and Bible promises now have SO much more relevance to me. There are actually scriptures that refer to God's setting parents and their offspring at variance with one another for some higher reason/calling. So to all you creative, beautiful, special spirits out there maybe you ought to see yourself and your past as somewhat preparing you for a greater good. If you can detect and recognize evil in your own parents (who, if NPDs were probably trying to cover it up), imagine how you could be protective to other unsuspecting innocents before what damage you suffered happens to them. It's the stuff of superheros.
Jessica, sweetie, I'm sorry for hi-jacking. Your initial post sparked such a feeling in me. I hope my ramblings have some meaning or significance.
Tiffany
