D's 13yo friend looking at porn

[onlyrenting]

Well this is the first week with D's friend, we are expecting to have her here for the next 13 weeks.

All has been going fine, then today I had to leave for a short while. D was meeting her friend at the school where they had made plans to skate board. When I got home her friend had not left the house but was on her way to the school. 

My computer uses dial-up, I wanted to call D but soon realized the computer was on-line.
D had her internet connection logged on with an old user name, I checked the history and the last 10 were porn sites.

I called D, to let her know what I found, she asked me not to say a word to her friend.
I explained this child should not be looking at these sites and I was very upset about the affects the pron would have on a 13yo.

I know this can be an addictive behavior and for now would expect D, to remind her friend to keep off the sites, or to even be accountable to D if she feels the need to look.

I will be looking into software to block these sites, I know D was not looking at these sites before today by looking at the history of her computer. I do check and just yesterday cleaned my system of cookies and temp files.

How do I expect my 13yo to handle this and be helpful or should I not expect her to confront this without some other intervention.  Any suggestions.

thanks for any thoughts OR

[Hopalong]

Dear OR,
My feeling is that it would be very good to get that software for your computer immediately, like yesterday, and take the hard-drive out or remove the computer until it's been installed. I would use every parent-controlled protection possible if I had an adolescent child again, and I would even restrict her to the public library's computers for homework if there was a single lapse...

I am quite fearful of what those images do to young girls. They are implanted and I believe at a very dangerous and hugely impressionable age.

I have close experience with what porn does to young women and girls and I think in some ways it's as dangerous as injecting drugs into their bodies. That poisonous and even dangerous.

(I know that might sound hysterical, but I believe it.)

The other common thing I read about is the wisdom of being certain that the kids aren't alone in private with the computer. Instead, it needs to be in the living room or dining room with a parent frequently strolling by and taking note of where they are. I do not believe they are safe alone with the Internet, nor would they be alone with an automobile at that age. Or alone with strange men (which is what porn is).

I am sorry you've had this enter your D's life. I hope you can set huge boundaries around this issue.

((((((((((OR)))))))))))))

Hops

[onlyrenting]

Hops

I have close experience with what porn does to young women and girls and I think in some ways it's as dangerous as injecting drugs into their bodies. That poisonous and even dangerous.

I talked to D, explained the telephone cord is removed until further notice. She does not want me to talk to her friend, so I will respect her wishes for now.  I told D if her friend wonders why the cord has been pulled to tell her the computer has a virus and I must put special software before they can go on-line.

The girls grandfather dropped off her computer, that one is in Ds, room but  not hooked up to the internet.
Ours is in the living room where I can see them.

For now I will take the phone cord out and they will have no access.

Hops I agree about the drug like affect.. OH BOY!!! Lord help me!!

[Hopalong]

what a good mother you are, OR.
I believe your D will be fine. And you've helped the other child too.
(Pull the phone cord? That's genius!  Guess you can tell I'm a Luddite.)

What an excellent mother you are.
(Only question I have is whether protecting your D's feelings about embarrassment is more important than having a serious talk with both of them about the dehumanization of women. It really is a question, I don't know...maybe others will have a thought.)

Hops

[Brigid]

OR,
I see the viewing of porn (or at least naked female bodies) as fairly normal by boys at that age.  I don't condon it by any means, but when I was growing up it was the Playboy mags and now they can find it on the web.  I guess I see girls doing it as little more disturbing (are they looking at men or women?), but for the most part, probably just a phase. 

I do think that if this girl is going to be living in your home, that you have the right to treat her as you would your own child and give parenting advice and explain the rules of your home.  I know your D doesn't want you to say anything, but I see this as an opportunity to help this girl with a life lesson.  She is probably not getting any guidance in her own home and you can provide some while she is living with you.

As someone whose ex was addicted to porn, I am pretty sensitive to this issue and feel it's important to explain the ramifications of actively viewing this kind of material. 

You are a great mom who has had to struggle with some very difficult issues in a short amount of time.  Bless you for being willing to take on someone else's child and her problems as well. 

Hugs,

Brigid

[Chicken]

I agree with Brigid that it's natural to have the desire to look at porn when you're hitting puberty, hell, I did!  -I found a porn magazine on the road once and thought all my Christmases had come at once!

...However, there's a huge difference between your straightforward playboy and the limitless world wide web!

Those porn websites include things that disturb me on a level I don't think I could ever recover from, and I am in my thirties...  sex with minors, with animals...  the list goes on... 

could you tell the friends Mother and ask her how you should deal with it?

I really hope your childs friend (is your child's friend male or female by the way?) did not venture past the straightforward sex sites.

It has happened now, so don't beat yourself up. 

[Hop guest]

Hi again OR, Brigid--
I wasn't going to log in from work but this is so urgent in my mind. IMO, the difference between what adolescents of either sex looked at in Playboy decades ago and what they find or are invaded with on the Internet today is the difference between a BB gun and a bunker-busting bomb.

The human degradation in porn today, much less the impact of seeing it as film rather than still images, is a whole new level of danger. I honestly feel, that it isn't something to be sanguine about, or view as just a phase. For girls or boys. Erotica is a different thing, but it's been totally overwhelmed by the rawest porn.

Back to the drug analogy. If the pot people (ahem) smoked in the 60s is Playboy, the porn children can see today is methamphetamine.

Brigid, I am so sorry for your experience. I know a little about how painful that is, and exH wasn't addicted.

I know people view it in different ways. My view is pretty radical: I loathe all porn with a passion and can't rationalize any part of it. I know that it sparks a physiological response and for that reason it's often recommended by some therapists, for example. But I just slam up against a thought I can't escape, ever: I don't want to support any part of the industry by condoning it in any way. The reason is that I once viewed, unintentionally, a garden-variety porn film that was rented at the neighborhood video store...and the "actress" was quite plainly a teenager and her cries of pain were dubbed over with sounds of "ecstasy." It chilled me. Then I came to a view of that industry as a curve: at one end is kiddie porn, at the other end are snuff films. Even if "mainstream" porn is in the middle, it's all part of the same spectrum. Despite the popular exceptions and some sex workers who say they feel happy and proud, I believe the vast majority of the industry is about degradation, exploitation, hopelessness, and a ruthless view of human beings.

I also can't begin to imagine how many of the women (and perhaps many of the men too) in these films were abused as children so they became detached from any sense of sacredness and stewardship of their own bodies.

The producers who pocket the profits are another species.

Lately there have been many documentaries about the upsurge in human trafficking. Particularly from Romania. Girls from desperate economic circumstances who are tempted into traveling to Turkey "to work in a shop" and who are literally sold to pimps, kept as prisoners, and gang-raped to break them down. There are an estimated 100,000 girls who are sex slaves in the U.S. alone. The market in Europe is enormous. In Turkey... they are just devoured, used, discarded.

I see it all as connected.

((((((our poor kids))))))))

Hops

[spyralle]

Hi Or,

As our daugher has asked you not to mention it directly to her friend I can understand how you would want to respect her wishes.  I wonder though could you plant a few seeds in the childs mind in a less direct way,. i.e. engaging in a discussion which leads to the internet and the dangers and addictions of.....  I agree that because this child has accessewd porn sites does not necessarily mean there is a problem.  She may simply be curious but I don't think it would do any harm to take away a bit of the mystery, excitement and secretiveness about it...

I think as a parent our first reaction is always the worst possible scenario.  When my daughter was fifteen  I read her messages to some boy (or so he said) on the net and found them to be lets say of a rather more explicit nature than was appropriate.  I removed the phone line but I did become aware that there was more to it than met the eye and she had fallen for this fantasy guy big stylie.  I think the best way in these situations is communication, communication, communication,.  If they don't want to talk then talk around..  If you manage to plant a few seeds then better than nothing... 

Spyralle x

[Hopalong]

Hey again, OR,
I hope in my haste I didn't give the impression I think your D's friend is on her way to sex slavery!

(Sorry, but when I start on that subject it takes me the whole way to the worst female subjugation.)

Not predicting anything for your child's friend though...was just a rant!

 
Hopalong

[onlyrenting]

Everyone thank you for your thoughts.

Update, I just now plugged the phone line in and wanted to let you all know whats been going on.

D's friend I will (J)
Js step father and I work for the same company, I explained to him what I found and that I had not confronted her about what I found. He called Mom to let her know and mom talked to J.
J said she was not on the sites but maybe another one of there friends who was in the house the day before may have been the one.  J was crying and upset, D let me know J says it wasn't her.

Today Oprah had the perfect show about WEB CAMS and child porn. I made the girls sit and watch the program. D reminded me if they were watching the show because of what I believed about J I was wrong.
The girls were sickend to learn how the information proved the majority of paying customers were adults who worked with children as teachers, lawyers who represented children etc.

I let her mother talk to her as I talked to my D. Im about ready to pick up the other girl who they claim was on the web sites and will have all three in the car, as we drive to youth group. I will be looking for away to talk about what I found.

Hops, I with you on what deep damage porn is doing to our children and marriages.

I have to leave ..... OR   PS Im looking into software

 

[Hopalong]

Hey again,

Sounds to me as though you're doing the best POSSIBLE job with your response to the situation. Good going.

Hate to be a cynic but I believe that it's unusual for even GOOD girls at that age not to lie to a parent, even one they love and trust, when they're caught in a strongly "shame-making" kind of error. Porn viewing, however it got started, would certainly feel like that, especially at that age.

Who, Me? Kind of thing. Very human of them if that's the case...how easily I forgot what it was like to be that age! Bless them, it's hard. (Could be entirely wrong though.)

Good mothering, OR!
Hops

[Moira]

Hi all! A touchy thread for me! I think communication with your d is essential and kudos to yo for opening that door. My exN was a sex addict and addicted to porn of all kinds and phone sex. This addiction took hours a day and he was totally unable to have any kind of sexual contact with a real breathing woman- and i mean EVER- in his whole life!!!! I found all this out by doing some obsessive compulsive detective work incl. speaking with many of his ex partners. anyway....I found the whole experience soul destroying. Sex addiction is the biggest addiction out there- everywhere, anything you want, anytime, in the privacy of your home and from anywhere in the world. It's about to be incl. in the DMS( psych. diagnostic " bible"). Whole generations of kids whose complete idea of sex is completely warped and unnatural. Easy to wrap your mind around- hormones out of control, all you think about all day long is sex ., Girls aren't as visual as boys but there is such power in flaunting your sexuality( I'm a woman). My sis has a D. whose discovered web cam sites and has been caught putting her own pornographic home movies on line- gets off on not only the sexuality aspect, but particularly the power over men9 not just boys) and the manipulation. I'm freaked out by all of this!!! Keep posting. hugs, Moira

[onlyrenting]

Update,,, I had all three girls in the car on the way to youth group.. They were all so happy acting like 13yo girls I thought I would not hamper the mood.
Then I pick them up asked what they talked about at church they said dating, then they all started acting silly and having fun.
Some guy driving in the car next to us thought they were so cute he gave them a car magnet for the TX longhorns.
I just could not bring myself to bring up such adult matter or have them feeling ashamed about what I found.
I decided (J) was on the computer and her mother talked to her already so let it go!
They never mentioned anything to the other girl and if it was her I believe they would have asked her to tell me to let (J) off the hook.

If and when this other girl comes by to visit I will remind them at that time. 

The girls have not asked to use my computer so for now I will just let it be..

Katz

You said the computer was on-line when you got home and the last 10 sites were the porn sites

.

I had the day before cleared out all the cookies and temp files there were no porn sites, I came home not able to use the phone.. D was not home but had walked to the school and J was home getting ready in the
 B-room. There is no doubt she had been on the computer, weather or not the 10 sites were viewed by accident I don't know.  I do believe at this age they want to know all about sex and this is the easy way to view adult materials.  I'm hoping my D will give her some guidance about her young age and this type of thing is damaging and dangerous at many levels.

I worry about the young boys her age and what they see and expect of girls. So much pressure on the young minds. Porn is addictive with many adults having struggles, how do we expect the young minds to fight the addictions. I guess one child at a time...

Thanks for your thoughts

OR