In rock climbing, the most difficult and thus important segment of a climb is referred to as the crux.
In the dictionary, its a few things: a puzzling or difficult problem, an essential point requiring resolution, or the main or central feature (of an arguement, for instance.)
I have been coming to this board for a while now. When I started, it was because I saw my children as being voiceless with their father. I then found out about narcissism and identified so heavily with it (as my ex is certainly full blown NPD....don't care if anyone has "diagnosed him" ...that's my opinion.)
I am now at the crux of my life, I believe. I could use some angels, some support, some faith and love to get me through this.
Three years ago, I decided to move on with my life and move to the east coast with my children. My ex was travelling for extended periods overseas at the time. He flipped out, angry rage everywhere, I was terrified...,, and after a lengthy and expensive court battle, in which I chose to not make my children speak, or be interviewed, and said I would stay if they could not go....well, DUH, I lost, and rather than move without my children, I stayed, a prisoner of mostly my mind, and the courts, and my ex.
Back "home" (east) my mother languishes, still, in a nursing home and my siblings are mostly in that area, where I can make more money than here by a long shot. I have no one here, save my kids.
I married my college sweetheart (who also lives back east) this past October, I grew stronger and decided not to let this N moron have control over me. I got happy, I got strong. I worked hard at creating the life I wanted, not lamenting the one I still had....I have been healing. Now it's my daughters turn to learn in her teen years what I learned in my late fourties.
My son is now graduating from high school and is going to school next year on the east coast. My daughter is finishing middle school and will enter high school next year. My exN still travels extensively overseas, and still expects me and the kids to accomodate his schedule in visitation time when he misses. If we don't like that , or choose not to drop our plans for him, he threatens OR actually files court orders, etc.... (that simply cost me money as they rarely get to court). He is hiding his income, which the last time we looked, at least four times what I make.....and I don't care. I won't fight him anymore. I took my boxing gloves and left the ring.
Please understand that this man won't let go of me. He is re mariied, but calls or emails me to try and fight about ANYTHING...mostly as he freaks out over lack of control with me/the kids.
So, I am simply moving. I resigned my teaching position, am putting my house up for sale, and gave my ex his legal 60 day notice. I talked to my kids frankly and openly, and my son's opnion will not be counted, as he will be emancipated in May, but my daughter wants to move with me, and is prepared to say so to a judge. She will soon be 14.
Today, my ex got the notice, and the ******* hit the fan, as expected, His attorney called my attorney and basically accused her of lying to HER this past year by not disclosing my plans to her on the side. Luckily my attorney is smart, and of course I am doing everything that is LEGALLY required. They are filing papers TODAY to stop me. Well, they can't actually stop me, but they can try and stop my daughter.
OKAY: here's where I need the strength of angels....
My daughter is the current "possession" of my ex's that he won't let go (as he can only refuse my son college financial help, which he may do). She is totally prepared to tell him she wants to move, and she wished he would too, but she still wants to move. She told me that if he were to support this ("go ahead, honey, we will make it work so I can see you a lot, it's time your mom got to live her life"....what a fantasy, huh?) that she would be able to be soooo happy about it. She IS happy about moving, being near cousins, her brother, etc, it's just the FEAR of her father that ruins any happiness she might find.
BUT, we know him and she has been really worried about how he will "DRILL' her (her words) about what she knows/knew and when....and when the anger and rage don't work, he will begin crying and do the pity routine on her, parentifying and manipulating her into wavering on her decision, making what is already hard for her, simply unbearable. He didn't even talk to her, rather he instantly filed a petition to prevent the move. Last year, he would not agree to have her tesitify in judges chambers about visitation. HE WANTS HER VOICELESS. She is, after all, a posession in his eyes.
I know she must go through this, and when she does, it will give her strength for a lifetime. But she needs a lot of support, and I am asking it for her from you all. You have given me so much strength by proxy, I hope you can help her too.
And, help me. By simply wanting my own life, not one lived by permission of a man I divorced a decade ago, I have put my child in a position no child wants to be in.
My sister, who has an addict daughter (now, finally, in what seems to be a lasting recovery) told me she ruined her daughter's life by never letting her feel pain...by fixing everything for her. Well, I guess I can take that advice to say:
my daughter has a selfish father....and she will learn a great lesson in standing up for herself...so I cannot take that from her.
Thanks for listening...supporting...praying....whatever works...I appreciate it soo much.
