The Crux

[moonlight52]

Hi MUM    ,  Keep your spiritual gas tank full and ready to go..................................................................................
                             Moon

[mum]

Thanks, Moonlight.  Sugarre, I told my daughter the idea of writing down how she feels when she feels "clear" so she can revisit it when she gets confused.  And seeing as she is with the manipulator this weekend, she will need it...I didn't hover to see if she did, but she liked the idea...said she had thought she should journal this....

She did not really want to dad's for such a long stay (4 nights), but I told her (I hope it is true) that her dad will continue to love her no matter what, and that he won't treat her badly because of her position. I can only hope that is true. She also knows that she can come home whenever she wants while visiting him (and feels brave enough to stand up to her dad about it).
She knows this weekend may be the last really tough time about this...he may see this weekend as his chance to change her mind...and soon after she will get an attorney to speak for her.

I am just still baffled as to what my exN is thinking. She said she wants to go with me, loud and clear....and yet he will take her to court to "make" this teenager stay against her wishes.  What could he be thinking??? She loves him but is so confused as to why he is fighting her (I know, he thinks he is fighting me, but that's not something I would tell her, or that she could understand...maybe later).

Anyway, I feel the love and prayers you all are sending, and so must she, as she has a remarkable resolve about this.
Thank again, friends.

[Hopalong]

Mum,
She has a remarkable mother.
Sending strength to you both for this weekend, and joy for your journey.

((((((((Mum and D)))))))))

Hops

[write]

they will more than survive- they will grow as people.

The level of support and honesty you provide is astonishing: you probably don't realise yet what they will gain from that!

And what you will gain when you see your kids as the free individuals you have released- not trained.

So many people want to teach their kids; I say ' learn yourself first'.

Any problem your kid has: go to the mirror- see if and what and where it's part of your problem.

You GET this without even thinking about it, you yourself are living the life you would choose for them.

Honesty, respect, careful decisions.

You held off moving until you were sure it was the right thing for you all.
You know and anticipate the N response.
He cannot help his pain or acting out his pain.
You have respected that and acknowledged that, and I am sure will continue to facilitate his relationships, however broken, whilst they benefit your children.

Your patience and tolerance and understanding inform your children more than you will know.

[mum]

Write: I humbly thank you, and all of you, for your support and positive energy. 

My therapist retired a few weeks ago. It was sad as she is a bit like a mother to me.  Anyway, she called today just to check in. We talked for almost an hour.  She is still, without being paid, interested in me, in my life and giving me the emotional support she has for three years, just for free. Because she wants to.

I feel so blessed, by her, by all of you.

[write]

what you gave out- is pretty much what flows back to you.

Not in any steady ordered way of us people, seeking security; but the greater flow of the universe, balancing all things, providing not only our needs- but the chance-space and experiences we need to grow.

"Cast your bread upon the waters, for after many days it will return..."

[movinon]

Hi Mum -

What could he be thinking???

This is a question that we'd all like answered, but can not.  Who can figure them out anyway.  Expect the unexpected w/ them.

How was the weekend?

Movinon

[mum]

thanks, friends.
Movinon, the weekend was ok. Kids are still with him.  Until tomorrow night (long story). Both kids came over for part of Easter afternoon, and my d wanted to look at houses and room decorating ideas for "her new room". so I guess she still wants to move.
His attorney told mine that they will be taking me to task about "talking" to my daughter and gaining her "compliance" before making my announcement. HUH??? Like I wouldn't talk to my own 13 year old about her future??? Gimme a break.
     Anyway, today he emailed me that if my son does not follow these "rules" he listed, then he will not contribute what he originally agreed to for his college tuition.  One of the rules was that my son could not have visitors or relatives for regular or extended amounts of time (I guess this means me, as I will live a few hours away).
There were other ridiculous things, like, he can't take his car  (hello, I own the friggin car! but it's not like anyone would take a car into that city anyway....), and that he (ex) demands to know where I am getting the money to pay for my portion of the tuition...(none of his business....) and that he will not be able to work his first year at all, and that he (ex) will not pay any amount above his already agreed to amount....and that he (ex) will only accept a certain amount of money that his son will be in debt (student loan) upon graduation.  Yes, you read that right: HE will only accept a certain amount of indebtedness that his SON will be in....HUH???  If any of the above terms are not met: he will not contribute. Nice guy ,huh?? He's losing his mind.

Anyway: my husband and I and my attorney have all agreed: tell him to take a hike with his money. Yes, it's a lot of money, but we will make do. We will make it happen for this kid. The amount of "control" this man wants over his soon to be adult son is preposterous. He actually called this (paying for college) his "INVESTMENT".  And he doesn't want to make a "bad" investment.
I feel like puking.

I have had a day from hell, but within every bad/hard/challenging thing at work, at home, with this crap,(I could fill ten pages with just today!!!!!!ARRRGGGHHH) I have found amazingly wonderful things and such kindness from people.
My mentor is willing to speak to me (crisis intervention like) tomorrow first thing in the morning...and she is hard to get an appointment with.....the guy working on my house (paid by the hour) did so much work today, it's amazing!!!.........the doggy day care would not take my dogs because I forgot to get the bordatello shots, but then MY VET (who they called for records) said "bring em on over!!!" and took them today!! (and gave me a break on both the shots and the boarding).
And the project I thought was in the tank, has miraculously recovered, and although it's going to be a crazy week, full of surprises with this student led project....at least it's a go (it means money for me).

OKAY< enough rambling. Love you guys!

[write]

I'm glad the universe is taking care of you!

People often don't realise how much a moment's thoughtfulness or kindness means, especially when someone's going through a bad time. You've probably taken time to be kind to all these people at other times, and they remember and want to give you a break when you need it!

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Time for bed y'all, g'night!

[mum]

WOW!! I am such a luddite....I have no clue how you did that Stormy!!! But I'm really tired and I just stopped to check in on things and what a surprise. Thanks.
I'm tired of this "fight". I just want to go home. But it looks like they are going whole hog for a full trial all over again. My poor d. No, not my poor d. My lucky daughter. She gets to learn this tough lesson while she is young. And then she will truly be free!
Thanks for the love....I wll keep channeling it toward my kids! Muchas Gracias!!!

[mum]

I feel a little ridiculous, bringing this back up top....but here goes.
My exN has upped the pressure on my daughter. He announced that he and his wife will be adopting a baby girl from overseas.
When my d came home from dinner with them last night she was alternately happy happy about it, and crabby about everything else....and then....at bedtime, came the tears. Afraid her dad will just have a new family and forget all about her.
Afraid that when we move, dad won't see her. She was a mess. Even crawled up in bed with me and cried like a baby. She had a hard time even talking about moving today (and usually she talks about it all the time in a good way).

His timing is rather interesting, don't you think? Both kids will be interviewed at his house this weekend by what ever agency it is that does this. My jaw has not come off the floor yet. Just when I think nothing he could ever do would surprise me...now this. 
I tried to see if my reaction was because he would have a new family, and I was personally hurt. Nope. Don't think that's it. I feel bad for my daughter. Thats what I care about . I do feel sorry for that poor baby, though. They will control her they way they could never control my children. Poor thing.  Control equals love. What a horrid way to do life.

I do know that to get a baby from this country it takes soooo much money. And it is no coincidence that he is now refusing to pony up for his son's college tuition. 

The worst part, though, is the way he is messing with my d's head. Unbelievable! 

I am moving. Done deal. My daughter wants to move with me...but now simply feels worse about it. Well, I guess he accomplished his mission.  He couldn't wait til this was over??
My attorney may be able to find leverage for us in this....like wouldn't the agency be  interested in what custody issues he is currently having? My friend who knows about adoptions from this country says: they could care less. We will see.
In the meantime, sweet angels, keep my d in your thoughts.
Thank you forever.

[Hopalong]

Mum,
Breaks my heart too much to verbalize well.
Much love and comfort to you and your poor D.
She doesn't deserve this. More the point, he doesn't deserve her.

I am so sorry.
Thank god she has you, steady you.

I know once the move is behind you she will gain perspective from the distance and be able to begin her long work of understanding why this creep is willing to hurt and discard her.

Hops

[gratitude28]

Mum,
Stay strong! You are the figure that your daughter will emulate as she moves on in life. You have dealt amazingly well with a horrible situation. I don't even know how I would begin to react to all of your exes childish, ridiculous, self-centered behavior. Mum, if I may say so... maybe it won't be a bad thing if he adopts the baby. (Although, reflecting on this, it is, because no baby should have to endure that.) OK, scratch what I said. I was thinking of you, but I think that is a wrong thought too. What is his new wife like? Will she be good to a new baby? Give your daughter extra love from me, and your son too! They will need it. But I know that you are doing what is right, adult and responsible. They will see that. Can you move away soon? How iwll that work with the judge?
I'm sending you tons of love.
Beth

[moonlight52]

Oh Mum   I am stuck dumb what kind of parent could use his daughter this way .All love and Light sent to you
                   Moonlight

[write]

You have to look at it from his dysfunctional point of view: you are making decisions which are without him and not for or about him.
Big trigger for him to need to act out.

Reassure your daughter- if she gets an adopted sister that's a wonderful opportunity to be a sibling.
Tell her how wonderful she was as a baby, and how much fun and joy babies are.
Make it a positive thing for her!

Ignore his perspective.
If he does go on to adopt a newborn from another country maybe the painful process will teach him something.
 
You are the first person to rejoice in a new child having improved opportunities and being a part of your own childrens' lives.

Expect your daughter to have mixed feelings, not only about his acting out, but about you guys moving on.

Don't worry too much, things will move on from you trying to protect her to her being aware of and able to accept her father.
That's the gift you give with your love and patience and support.