The Crux

[mum]

Thank you all sooooo much for the good thoughts and support.
 I have told my daughter: "parents don't forget their children", "isn't it wonderful that they are adopting a baby that is thought of as a discard in that society", "how fun for you, you get to be a big sister"....etc, etc.. and I have near bitten my tongue off of late.  I will not protect him, but in my quest to be positive and show her how anything can be a plus....I know in a way, he gets protected. OH WELL!! 
I see it like this: he will do anything to protect the lie that is his life and his fragile little bully ego.  At any cost. I will do anything to protect myself and my children FROM the lie....if that means he benefits as a by product....well, not my concern or my problem.
But I do see my move as an unvieling of sorts.....or rather, I am simply stepping out of the way and letting the relationship between him and the children, however awful it hurts, to exist in truth.  Or maybe it's that I am finally allowing MY truth to stand....and letting what ever else happens take it's course.

As far as the courts....well, he petitioned to not let my d go with me (or actually/stupidly, that I should not move, which will not be upheld as that is unconstitutional), we responded and petitioned additionally that my d be appointed her own attorney to represent her wishes, immediately. We thoroughly expect my ex will contest that, which means ANOTHER hearing before the main hearing, just to determine if the judge will allow her to have representation....

Honestly, it's CRAZY stuff, and sometimes I just have to laugh. It's like some kind of baaaad soap opera!!!!
I can't wait to leave all this drama behind. I do know that my life will be so calm and peaceful and happy, and REAL SOON!!!

Thanks again for the support!!! Love you all!!

[movinon]

OMG   ((((((((((((((((((((((mum))))))))))))))))))))))))))

This is soooooo HORRID.  What a BASTARD.  He is so low!!!!  They really don't care who they hurt in their quest for power and control do they?

Your POOR d.  She doesn't deserve this.  And I know she probably can't understand it all right now.  My friend jsut recommended a book to me called "Why do You Have to Get a Divorce and When Can I Have a Hampster?"  It's put some things in perspective for me in that it is not illegal to be an @$$hole as a parent so...

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change
the courage to change the things that I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.

I am simply stepping out of the way and letting the relationship between him and the children, however awful it hurts, to exist in truth.  Or maybe it's that I am finally allowing MY truth to stand....and letting what ever else happens take it's course.

Amazing mum.  You are standing back and finding some serenity, and living life on life's terms...BRAVO!!

Stay strong.

Sending love and light,

Movinon

[seasons]

have told my daughter: "parents don't forget their children", "isn't it wonderful that they are adopting a baby that is thought of as a discard in that society", "how fun for you, you get to be a big sister"....etc, etc.. and I have near bitten my tongue off of late.  I will not protect him, but in my quest to be positive and show her how anything can be a plus....I know in a way, he gets protected. OH WELL

Oh (((((mum)))) you are so loving and selfless. I'm so happy you have eachother to love, hold and triumph
forward in the mist of your daughters struggles with her father.


I can't wait to leave all this drama behind. I do know that my life will be so calm and peaceful and happy, and REAL SOON!!!

We can hardly wait for you. I can't wait to join in the celebration of calm, peace and happy with and for you and your children.............very soon!!! (((((thoughts and prayers always seasons))))

[Brigid]

mum,
Once again I'm sorry for you and your children as you negotiate with the a$$hole.  As a mother of a child from a foreign country, I feel so badly that your ex and new wife could end up as parents.  We had to go through a very rigorous process, but not all countries are as thorough.  I do think this is a lot for your daughter to process at one time and I don't doubt that she is very confused and emotional right now (they are at that age under the best of circumstances).  I do think that it will get better once you have moved and settled with your new hubby and his children and the environment is peaceful.

I don't think you can worry about how your ex will act toward his daughter if they get the new child.  A friend of mine's very horrific ex legally disowned his (at the time) 14-year-old son (but not his 12-year-old son) when the son became angry at his father for leaving his mother, marrying the woman he was cheating with and having 2 new babies with her.  It actually was the best thing that could have happened for the older child as he doesn't have to deal with whacked out dad and evil step-mom and my friend wishes he had disowned them both so she didn't have to deal with them either.  I don't doubt that the younger child will have lasting damaging effects from being forced to continue in a relationship with his father.

It never ceases to amaze me how parents can be so cruel to their children and use them as pawns in a very ugly and painful game.  I have great faith that you will get your d through this in flying colors because you are such a great mum.

Hugs,

Brigid

[write]

good for you- yet another opportunity for you to demonstrate what a great mother your daughter has.

I am simply stepping out of the way and letting the relationship between him and the children, however awful it hurts, to exist in truth.  Or maybe it's that I am finally allowing MY truth to stand....and letting what ever else happens take it's course.

absolutely.

Who knows. it might make them closer in time. You can't see all outcomes. I'm sure with your upbringing she'll be just fine.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[mum]

Thanks again, friends. You can't know how much this ongoing support means at a time like this.
My attorney called. They want to do mediation. But get this: they want private mediation with a specific psychologist MY DAUGHTER WENT TO AND HATES!!!! When my d went to him, she clammed up, counted the books on the wall and he told me, she won't crack and I'm not going to push it. My d told me she hates him and loved to make him squirm while she wouldn't talk (she was not impolite, just didn't want to talk). My ex  knows this.
 I simply said, absolutely not and by the way, NO psychologists/interpreters, etc. She gets her OWN VOICE. Her own attorney, or to talk straight to the judge. NOT with someone who will mess with her head, or spend hours in her face with both parents present (can you even think of anything more horrible for her??)
I have decided that I like to say NO when I mean NO.
and I have found a new theme song....by Bonnie Raitt: "I Will Not Be Broken".
The saga continues.

[Hopalong]

You GO, Mum!
Amazon mom.

Hoo-ahhh!
You are a mother tiger.

Hops

[Healing&Hopeful]

Wow Mum.... What a fabulous mature daughter you have and what a great Mum you are.  You have a daughter who knows her own mind, who can stand firm when something is important to her and she has a Mum who encourages her to do this.  What a great combination.

Whatever he throws at her (and you), he doesn't stand a chance.  When you can move into the light, there is no going back to darkness.  Move on to your new life as a family with the knowledge that you know it's the right decision for you all.  If he withdraws the money for college, it's only money... it doesn't buy you happiness and with N's, it always comes with conditions.

Take care

H&H xx

[mudpuppy]

He's toast.
And he put himself in the toaster.

I feel sorry for the poor little adopted kid though. The world would we be better off if its just another N lie.

Mum, I try to emulate your righteous, positive anger when junk like this comes along. Kinda hard sometimes, but its a nice goal to shoot for.

mud

[mum]

Aw, thanks you guys!
A long time ago, my mentor told me that as soon as I got to LIKE NOT liking this crap between me and my ex, that I would know the energy had changed and be free of him.  Today, for the first time, I actually LIKED it. Not just saying,"oh, I realize that the hard stuff helps me" which it does, but honest to goodness, FEELING GOOD about NOT liking this crap. I think it is because several times in a row now, I have said NO NO NO NO. I have not minced words, I have not been afraid or worried about consequences.  I finally feel the way I always hoped I would: "BRING IT ON SPARKY!!!!! Throw more ridiculous stuff my way that I can say NO to!!!!!"
Perhaps this is what my mentor said when we first talked.. I sure hope so. OR maybe I'm just pissed off, and happy to be able to stand my ground here.  In the meantime...my d is at his house for an extended weekend.
Keep her in your POWERFUL prayers.

[Hopalong]

Mum,
I am picturing a shield of love, strength and courage around her. Resistance.

Hops

[movinon]

Mum -

"BRING IT ON SPARKY!!!!!

I LOOOOOVE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!  No means know.  Your powerful words match your actions!

I will send prayers to your D.  She sounds SO strong.  She must have an AMAZING mom!

Movinon

[mum]

Hi, Movinon, I cannot take credit for "Bring it on Sparky!!" But I think you, in particluar,  might like to check out this website I lifted it from some time ago..., where, in some article, a female attorney is taking on an issue with a really horrible guy  and she is NOT backing down.... www.thelizlibrary.org
It's a parental custody website, with an almost militant mother's rights bent (thought I'd let others in on that, as not everyone would be interested).
 

[mum]

Hi friends. Just an update and request for support: this week we go to court to get my d permission to be heard, either through her own attorney or directly to the judge. ExN is opposing it, saying she needs a shrink instead, who will "interpret" her needs and desires, because I have "brainwashed" her. If I had brainwashed her, would she be crying hard every night about how tough this is?? Ironically, she had a psych eval last year, and in the report it says she is competent to make her own decisions regarding custody and visitation.  Exact wording.
But In my d's words: "I am upset because this is really hard....not because I need "help". I want to speak, and I don't want someone else to "figure me out" and then say what they think I am thinking."
Hopefull the judge will see through the stall tactics and take things into his own hands and just LISTEN TO HER.
Any positive energy you can send her/our way would still be much appreciated. She needs her angels now.

[petra]

Mum,
I didn't realize you were going through this, i am so sorry. This must be so awful for your daughter. Hopefully the judge will see through the bull. Isn't it awful how Family Law cases can be hijacked and manipulated by the party with the least emotional investment. My thoughts are with you and your daughter.