Are You Mad At Me?

[gratitude28]

AAARRRGGGHHH, I am regressing a bit, but also making a big breakthrough connection right now. This sentence, "Are you mad at me?" has fueled so much of my fear for so many years. Now, on the brink of heading back to my parents' for this ful filled summer vacation, I am feeling the ugly mass of inside steel wool that accompanied me for 20 years or so. When I am with them, I walk on eggshells. This summer, three of my dearest friend will come to visit me, and I will have to broach the subject with them about whether they mind if I go see them for a bit. I SPENT SO MANY YEARS DOING THIS... finding a time to bring up a subject, knowing I would get yelled at probably. Surprised if they ever agreed to somethign (Can I go to the movies... God, Like I haven't driven around all day... Can I go see a freind... You are never at home *I was ONLY at home*... and so on). In normal families, don't kids hang out with their friends and stuff?????? EVERY little thing was a huge deal and a major hurdle. I was scared to ask anything.
SO I feel like that again now... My husband says, don't worry about it... just do what you need to do. But you know, no matter what, it will all be an issue. And if they "schedule" something to do... We have to act like it is the best thing we have ever done in our entire lives, or else they are so disappointed and apologize for days and days.
So.... while I am glad I have identified this now... how the heck do I deal with it?????????????
Love, Beth

[Hopalong]

Hi Beth,

IMO, here's where you work against yourself (me too, hon):

I will have to broach the subject with them about whether they mind

There's nothing to "broach", there's just information to state:

"I am going to see my friends now. Oh, you had something planned? Sorry, I have plans to see my friends. We'll catch up later. Bye..." [And go.]

And as to "whether they mind"---of course they mind...that's how they've tried to control you all this time.

That won't change. They'll mind. (Haven't they always? So you know exactly what to expect. What you can change about this is...changing YOUR CHOICE...even though they mind.

What you can change is whether you take hold of their "minding" and decide that this feeling of theirs, is your responsibility.

It's not.

Learning to endure their discomfort (annoyance, guilt trips, whatever form it takes) and keep moving anyway....if you try this on in your mind, intentionally rehearse it several times...what does that do?

love and luck,
Hops

[reallyME]

and I second Hops' advice to Beth!  There is nothing to BROACH with them...you just STATE the facts, period.  You are a big girl now and you don't need their approval of everything you do in life.  As I told my counselee, that is not healthy behavior to feel you have to ask permission to live as a grown adult.

Laura

[gratitude28]

Aren't I one sick puppy??????

You are so right. I will play it all in my mind now (rehearse as it were).

You know, my poor husband had to go through all this with me. He can be the strong silent type... you know, men retreating into their caves and all that. And whenever he wasn't "chatty" (which is like NEVER), I always used to assume he was annoyed with me. I put the poor man through so much crap before I figured out that I don't have to have approval every single second of the day.

OK, I really need to practice this . Sometimes I feel like the biggest idiot.

Love, Beth

[reallyME]

but yes, OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I hate that question, usually said in a whiny insecure voice


"are you maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad at me???"  Drives me nuts to the point of wanting to say "i WASN'T but now I AM!"

[pennyplant]

Beth is not a sick puppy.
Beth is not the biggest idiot.
Really and truly.
Beth is, in fact, a very cool person  .

You can do it!

Practice, practice, practice the script Hops gave you or an adaptation.  You will be prepared ahead of time and it will go well.  Maybe, maybe they will even surprise you and not have their usual answers, because, of course, you will not be asking the usual questions.  So, practice, go on the offensive, try to have a good time with this.  You are learning a new, healthy habit.  It will become comfortable after a while.  And you'll never want to go back to the old way!

Pennyplant

RM--"I WASN'T but now I AM!"  Oh yes, that is so true.  Sometimes my fears make things so much worse with other people than it ever was to begin with.  Sometimes I just have to get over myself!!!

[Hopalong]

Hi TT:

I have inherent and or learnable skills that can be honed and applied to day to day stuff not having to do with family dysfunction BUT also, these same skills could be brought forth and applied to the stuff I had boxed up waiting for 'the answer'

You mean, such as...assertiveness that you'd apply at work, but hadn't thought you could apply with your FOO? Stuff like that?

Not meaning to pry, but I'm trying to visualize what sorts of skills the lecturer meant...it's such an interesting sounding idea.

Hops

[SilverLining]

Hi Beth,

What you can change is whether you take hold of their "minding" and decide that this feeling of theirs, is your responsibility.

I went through similar processes with my parents, and I finally figured out I had been conditioned to make their "minding" my own.   After a few hundred (thousand?) repetitions, they didn't even need to do much most of the time.  Just a  statement in a certain tone of voice or a certain look and I would  make their discomfort my own, and behave in ways  that was best for them.  If they ever spotted the conditioning wearing thin, they  just stepped up the emotion level.   

Now I remind myself, their problems with my actions are THEIR problems.     

[penelope]

Hiya beth,

This site is a bit difficult to navigate, but if you have an open mind and a lot of time, there's some good stuff buried in here.

http://www.taxi1010.com/index2.htm

Like the following advice:  When dealing with your parents, a boss, or your ex-, don't explain, don't ask questions (because they are provoking), and stay away from interpretations. Just have a good life.

You can also respond to attacks from your parents with the following new strategies: 1) pretend not to hear (react in a different way to an old script) 2) try not to react, maybe that's all they're looking to get out of you?  3) go into "computer mode;" this is where you respond in very neutral language  4) respond in "boredome mode" where you set out to totally sideline their argument, by droning on and on about meaningless tangents to the thing they'd like to talk about (Controlling you).  So, for example, Mom says "you're not going over to Susie's I hope!  I heard (blah blah blah) about her."  Your response instead of getting mad:  that reminds me, the other day I was in the grocery store and...(launch into 10 minute boring spiel about how you picked out some icecream or something)...

In other words, you need to develop some strategies of not reacting and diffusing their tactics.  I do this at work with my boss and other difficult people and it works pretty well.   

pb

[gratitude28]

Good good good stuff.

Ya know, I was feeling like I was getting it all together and this snuck op on me and just unravelled a ton that I had cast into a safety net...


tt... the itinerary is a good idea. And I would also like to hear more about the program you said you were learning from.

pbean... I haven't tried these tactics yet... I just heard about the recently on this site. In the past, I have always shut down (it's like I can feel a wall literally flatten my face into a mask). This inflames them more and my mother says I am an "ice princess" or some other thing... MS. Perfect. Whatever. But yes, maybe if I keep it chatty and diverting and nonsensical, she won't be able to do that. I have always thought it is an odd thing to do. Why do you think it works? Is it confusing to them? Are they happy as long as there is chatter? I don't understand. It just seems so strange to me.

tjr... welcome and thanks for sharing. You know EXACTLY what I am talking about. I feel like the puppy who got beaten so many times it shrinks at the thought of a human! I need to stop shrinking.

PP... thanks as always for the input. You always understand. You know, I am not doing what I am supposed to - living in today- if I am sweating these things. They may not even come to pass.

hops, really... thanks. I AM an adult. And a healthy, well-adjusted, happy one at that. It really DOESN'T matter what they think.

All in all, I have decided to run through some possibles tonight in my head and plan a feedback apropriate to the situations. maybe if I can "see" an answer, it will help me use that answer if the problem comes up.

I am feeling much calmer.
Thank you.

[Certain Hope]

Hi Beth,

    [Disclaimer: It's 5 am and I've had only 1/2 cup of coffee]

It seems ....   that fear of "unravelling" is an inherent part of returning back to our "hoo" (home of origin)     I keep thinking about that paralytic monkey and recognizing how much I have had in common with him when thrown back in time simply by the presence of my parents. I haven't revisited my hoo in years, but the retro feelings associated with that are never far from the surface.

Now that I have a couple daughters who've grown and left the nest, I can better understand the dynamics with the shoe is on the other foot. As the parent with the adult child returning for a visit, I can say that it's not easy from this end, either. I really like teartrack's suggestion of an itinerary, because the more unknown factors you can eliminate, the better, I think. It's both thoughtful and a good exercise in thorough communication; also, by removing the element of surprise, all parties involved can be better prepared. This may have been mentioned and I missed it, but... how do your parents relate to your children? Are there any issues relating to that which come into play here?

Beth, I really believe that you can set the tone for the entire visit by having great resolve and determination not to get drawn into their emotional warp. You are not doomed to repeat the past because your skin is thicker now, yet you've retained a soft heart. You can set your face like a flint and know that you will not be ashamed. 

Wishing you the best,
Hope