Finally

[pp]

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[Anonymous]

Random thoughts that immediately cross my mind...

(1) He has been physically violent. This isn't good male role modeling for the children. It's also bad marital modeling for them.

(2) He seems angry with women, has sexually harassed them. This is also not good male role modeling.

(3) He has abandoned 3 children from an earlier marriage. He seems to have problems with responsibility, obligation, empathy and caring.


Bottom line, I think you are going to suffer tremendously with this man. However, he is your husband. If you choose to remain married maybe you can find ways to adapt (maybe family therapy?).

bunny

[Anonymous]

Thankyou for your comments. Yes the role modelling is definitely a serious issue which I have tried but not managed to address successfully. What I was struck by was your reference to responsibility. He puts up such a serious, responsible and thorough front that this is the first time I have ever associated that particular trait with him. I am momentarily taken aback. Thankyou.

[Anastasia]

Dear Guest:

May I suggest that you spend some time reading this board very well and very slowly.  And then, if you can conclude that these Narcissists don't have an enormously negative effect on their children's lives...and the lives of their children's children, then, by all means, you keep your children and yourself around your Narcissist.
There would not be so many of us still crying in our adulthood if we weren't so deeply hurt in our childhood by these selfish Narcissists.  It is a pain that never goes away, trust me.  
I can only speak for myself, but the horrible memories of my childhood haunt me still at low times.  You just get tired of the pain sometimes.
Some of us have been able to cope better than others, but the ones who cope the poorest commit suicide, drink and/or drug excessively or find some other poor coping method for their constant anxiety (i.e., sexual addiction or any addiction).  
Oh, yeah....a Narcissist is a great role model alright.  Think about it.

[Karin]

pp,
You already know that your husband is bad news, you need to find the strength, courage and self-confidence to protect your children and yourself now. It will be a long, very hard road if you choose to do that. Don't concern yourself with trying to moderate his behaviour by changing your own, he'll still do exactly as he pleases and things will probably be worse for you because you're not doing what he wants. He won't change.
Perhaps find a narcissist-aware psychologist for yourself to help you.
You and your children deserve better.

[phoenix]

bye

[rosencrantz]

...and when my narcissist spends time with our boys (on his terms, of course) I observe their joy and I look for ways to preserve that

Yes, I wanted to comment on that sentence, too.  Perhaps you are only noticing the brief moments of 'joy'.  How does it really stack up - what proportion of joy to the proportion of being ignored, manipulated, used to meet their father's (childish) emotional needs???

If so, this will teach them to feel miserable in their relationships and stick it out for the odd nugget of 'joy'.  It will teach them to ignore their own needs in order to meet the needs of others (who should know better).  It will teach them to show 'joy' to meet the needs of their parents rather than truly feel joy...

Joy now doesn't mean a healthy happy life as an adult.

I wish you good luck and a brave heart in making your decisions.
R

[pp]

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