Detatching...from significant others...children, spouses

[reallyME]

As I was reading something recently, this notion occurred to me...some of us need to learn to detatch from husbands, wives, children to an extent.

I have heard people say, "Well, my life is finally good now that I'm married to this wonderful man!"  or "I just LIVE for my children and if anything ever happened to them, I'd DIE!"  or "my dog is my LIFE!"  or "my car is my BABY"

I know sometimes we take such statements as being normal, but in actuality, these are unhealthy reasons for being happy in life.

First one... the "wonderful man"...what happens if he leaves you or if you begin to see flaws or if he gets a brain dysfunction and turns out to not stay so WONDERFUL?  Will you curl up and die then, having no reason to live?  Your life needs to be "good" because of YOU, not because of a husband or wife, etc.  If not, that treasured being, when gone, will render  your life miserable yet again.

Next, "LIVE for my children"  Dear GOD, do NOT put such a responsibility on that defenseless child!  Children were not born into this world to become your counselors and chief confidantes.  They do not know how to handle hearing the two sides of fights between Mom and Dad.  They need to be allowed to be CHILDREN, not substitutes for us not having adult balanced friendships.  They also do not need YOU living your life through them, because of you not wanting to go find your identity.  Let them have a SEPARATE identity from you, not forcing them to measure up to your perfectionistic standards and feel like they will never make it, not having you urge them to practice piano (that they DESPISE and have NO interest in) one more hour, because YOU NEVER GOT TO BE A CONCERTIST, not imposing upon them to "make ME proud."  Let them just BE, PLEASE.  Go get your own COLLEGE DEGREE, if that's what you didn't get to do as a child, but DO NOT FORCE THAT CHILD TO GO TO COLLEGE IF THEY DO NOT WANT TO.

Next, "dog is my LIFE"  HOW SAD!  An animal is not meant to be seen as "human" sorry.  They are wonderful as pets, companions to an extent, but to LIVE for a dog or a cat or a bird?  There is something really WRONG and DISTORTED with that.  Animals die eventually, so will your life END when the dog isn't there?  If so, then you have your affections placed in a very wrong place.

Lastly, but I'm sure there could be more on this topic..."my car..my BABY"  No no NO!  A car breaks down, rusts, gets old.  Your identity should not be found in any material object that you own.  A car does not have a soul or a heart at all, therefore it cannot be your "baby."  That goes for motorcycles, boats, etc...yes, even katamarans!  Can't do it.  You need a child to be your baby, if that's something you are ready for...

My point in all this is this...STOP IDOLIZING OBJECTS AND PEOPLE AS YOUR REASONS FOR LIVING AND HAPPINESS.  If you are not happy within, when these things are no longer around, you will be MISERABLE!

Just some comments on unhealthiness in self and relationships

~Laura

[Certain Hope]

Laura,
 
  This is wonderful stuff. To me, it's the foundational truth which illuminates the path to freedom and at the core of it all is the fact that no one is responsible for our happiness in life but we ourselves. The moment we surrender that fundamental human right to another, we forfeit personal responsibility in a way that can bring nothing but damage.

  I especially appreciate what you've said here about misplaced (false) love for children which is actually only a twisted form of self-love seeking to impose it's control over another individual. That sort of "love" is all my mother had to offer me and it left me tied up in knots for years. My own belief is that our children are God's gifts to us to "raise up in the admonition" of Him... on loan to us, only... HIS children, just as we are His children, not tools for our own personal enjoyment/fulfillment/vicarious satisfaction.

   Have you ever watched the Dog Whisperer program on Natl. Geo. channel? This man is so good with dogs! He can re-train a stubborn, misbehaving animal in short order simply by applying one truth: the creature is a dog, not a human! I firmly believe that so much damage is done to any creature when people refuse to allow it to simply be what God designed it to be.

   About idolatry in general... yes, there are many things/people/concepts that can be idolized in life. In my reading, I'm seeing that "Idealism" itself can become a false idol, in that it makes a "god" of ideals instead of the Person who fulfills every ideal with any true value.

   I recently did some research about this concept of detachment on another thread. I wanted to learn more about it because I was concerned that the word itself carries a sense of "coldness" or unfeeling-ness and I sure didn't want emotions to be numbed inappropriately. But the more I practice the truths of the Serenity Prayer, the more I see that true detachment has nothing to do with "not caring". In fact, it has everything to do with appropriate, honest caring. Did you know that there is alot more to that popular Serenity Prayer than what we usually see (the part that's used by 12-Step Programs)?  I ran across the complete, unabridged version the other day and I'll copy it here... really beautiful, I think.

Love,
Hope

God,
Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the Courage to change the things I can
and the Wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardship as the pathway to peace.

Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it.

Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life,
and supremely happy with Him forever in the next.

Amen.

[penelope]

he he he,

Well, I'm thinking I have a car, motorcycle, and a dog that I'm pretty attached to...also my b/f.  But there is a healthy balance there, you are right Laura!

But, if I had none of these, I think my existence would be pretty lonely.  I'd have to become a bar-fly or something.  I do say all three of these "keep me outa the bars!" 

I know what you mean though.

pb

on edit:  there are 4 there...not three       This reminds me how some folks I know get so attached to Degrees.  Especially the PhD's I know... (Not any here, of course).  In other words, think about what's your defining identity?  Would you be OK if you were stripped of it? 

[moonlight52]

HI Laura ,
I find detachment of so much interest.And do not feel it is cold.

It seems as you grow to know yourself ,to enter your power only to realize that you have no power,then you enter a greater power.It seems like a paradox.The paradox is that you cannot experience even a hint of your true power until you find what you think is power .

You learn to love yourself and set boundaries only to discover that a true love relationship involves merging of boundaries and the releasing of part of yourself.And that you cannot release a part of self to another before you love self and establish boundaries.
So thats what it means to grow up and become independent.

LIFE  SEEMS TO BE A CONTINUAL FLOW OF ACCEPTANCE, MOVING FORWARD AND DELIBERATION.

MOON

[reallyME]

all of your comments are great. THank you!  I didn't mean to come off as sounding so hard, but I am sooooooooo very intense about this topic

[moonlight52]

HI Laura and all,

You do not sound hard and I am only now "getting it" and I understand feeling intense about the subject .

At times I seem to find this independence and other times fall back.

But to be getting any of this understanding is a big deal for me as I was so stuck for so long.

Love to ya , 

moon

[Hopalong]

It seems as you grow to know yourself ,to enter your power only to realize that you have no power,then you enter a greater power. It seems like a paradox.The paradox is that you cannot experience even a hint of your true power until you find what you think is power .

You learn to love yourself and set boundaries only to discover that a true love relationship involves merging of boundaries and the releasing of part of yourself.And that you cannot release a part of self to another before you love self and establish boundaries.
So thats what it means to grow up

WOW. Moon, I tripped up alittle over the part I bolded, though your quote in general blows me away. Can you say what you meant by that last part...did you mean until you find what you believe is a greater power? (If that's it, I do get it. Wonderful.)

thanks,
Hops

[moonlight52]

Hops ,

A greater power than you perceived before what can take you to kindness love and understanding of yourself and others .
I do hope everyone can understand this in their own way.Power to stay grounded in love of self and others.
What can we offer one another but our presence to be present for our loved ones.In the now.

Much Love,

moon

[Hopalong]

Thanks, Moon. I gotcha. 

And thanks from me too, Laura. A great rant and great reminder!

Hops