The discovery of this site has kind of not finished up how I expected it would, the problem I thought I had, seems to be far more far reaching than I anticipated. And I may still be way off the mark with all of this.
I started reading because of something I will get to in a bit, but it seems that I have had a problem all my life. Seems my mum, suffers many of the traits discussed here. We have always had a ‘difficult’ relationship, me being very stubborn, her wanting me to go her way,(and the associated emotional blackmail that went with that) me fighting against it. Even being a small child, I can remember very few good times, many, many bad ones, but very few good. I grew up feeling like she wanted/needed a child so she wouldn’t be alone, I often felt the adult. I don’t ever remember receiving any sympathy or love, I remember being rushed into hospital to have my appendix out, and her saying if there is nothing wrong with you, there will be when I get you home. Me wanting, as all children do, an ice cream, and her throwing her purse at me, saying all I wanted her for was her money, then putting on her coat and pretending to leave, saying she wasnt coming back. Or the day I told her I was pregnant with my first child, and her telling me to get rid of it, I could have the baby or I could have her, but I couldn’t have both. Things have improved over the years I suppose, mostly I think because of my stubbornness, because I refuse to get drawn in, I will walk away, and any part of my life I want to share I will, the rest I wont. Suppose now we have a kind of truce, occasionally she will have a go, but she does this knowing I will and do walk away. She does adore one of my children, (hes autistic) the other one she dislikes quite strongly, perhaps because like me he will take no nonsense and can be quite stubborn. Although for both myself and my young son, we always take into account others feelings and wishes and try to do whats best for all. Is that a side effect of living this kind of life??
Anyway, that’s not the problem really, I have learnt to deal with that part of my life so it doesn’t affect me too badly. The problem is my partner, and his mother. We have been together only a short while, a year, although I love him to death, something is not quite right, im not sure if this is it or what.
He seems to have a very strange relationship with his mother, he seems to want to draw away from her yet doesn’t seem able. She is ill, but to be honest, knowing from the medical conditions my mum suffers from, and the meds taken by both, this woman doesn’t appear to be as ill as she makes out. There are 2 conflicting stories of my partners childhood, his where he says he got away with anyting and everything and was spoiled rotten, and hers where she says she was as hard as nails on him. She did once say to me that there was no way I was taking her son away from her, she calls him an only child, but hes not, he has a sister that his mum wont even aknowledge being born. She will tell him he doesn’t need visit every day, (they live quite close) but goes up like a rocket when he doesn’t, she is perfectly capable of driving past his house to visit others, but the thought of ‘popping’ in doesn’t seem to occur to her, yet on the one rare occasion she did when I was visiting, (and in fact was going home the next morning) and was told it was not a good time and maybe she should have rang first, again the fireworks for the next few days were astonishing, Im glad I wasn’t there, or they would probably have been far worse. His visits to me, well, most of the time he doesn’t even tell her, or does just as hes leaving, he says its not worth the hassle he knows he will get. My partner and I recently became engaged. His mothers, and in fact both his parents response was not what I expected. Rather than be pleased, she just didn’t seem bothered, no congratulations, just a, “well its your life”. His father went so far as to say, “what the hell you doing that for”. I was/am shocked, im not a bad person.
He too seems to have problems, he cant seem to look at a situation from another perspective, we have had many discussions because hes talked to someone and taken their opinion, and will hold tight onto this adamant that the person he spoke to is right, despite me showing that another side may just exist and maybe he should look at things from both sides. New people he meets, very rapidly become the best of buddies, in a remarkably short space of time, then seem to melt when someone else appears. Disagreements always wind up with old arguments that are supposed to be over and buried being dragged back out of the grave, or matters that have no connection being thrown in for good measure, then we will have threats to leave, followed by days of nasty spiteful name calling,(from him, which I try my best to ignore), even to the point he uses an internet chat forum where we are both known in order to humiliate me. Then its like nothing has happened. I can only remember once him actually taking any of the blame for any disagreement, other than that, its always my fault. The only person he seems able to say no to is me, everyone else its like he cant manage it, especially his Mother, is he scared? or just wants to keep up an image he has or thinks he does. Im sure there are many other things, but these are just the ones off the top of my head right now.
You may be wondering why I stay, well…..I do love him. Although, I admit im at a crossroads right now, do I put up with this kind of treatment, or do I leave and find a more peaceful life. Im not really sure if his problems fit, guess im hoping that someone can say yes or no. (oh, and i apologise for the length of this)
