Author Topic: Could this be it??  (Read 2491 times)

Cassieamber

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Could this be it??
« on: November 01, 2006, 02:07:17 PM »
The discovery of this site has kind of  not finished up how I expected it would, the problem I thought I had, seems to be far more far reaching than I anticipated. And I may still be way off the mark with all of this.

I started reading because of something I will get to in a bit, but it seems that I have had a problem all my life.  Seems my mum, suffers many of the traits discussed here. We have always had a ‘difficult’ relationship, me being very stubborn, her wanting me to go her way,(and the associated emotional blackmail that went with that) me fighting against it.  Even being a small child, I can remember very few good times, many, many bad ones, but very few good. I grew up feeling like she wanted/needed a child so she wouldn’t be alone, I often felt the adult. I don’t ever remember receiving any sympathy or love, I remember being rushed into hospital to have my appendix out, and her saying if there is nothing wrong with you, there will be when I get you home.  Me wanting, as all children do, an ice cream, and her throwing her purse at me, saying all I wanted her for was her money, then putting on her coat and pretending to leave, saying she wasnt coming back.  Or the day I told her I was pregnant with my first child, and her telling me to get rid of it, I could have the baby or I could have her, but I couldn’t have both.  Things have improved over the years I suppose, mostly I think because of my stubbornness, because I refuse to get drawn in, I will walk away, and any part of my life I want to share I will, the rest I wont. Suppose now we have a kind of truce, occasionally she will have a go, but she does this knowing I will and do walk away.  She does adore one of my children, (hes autistic) the other one she dislikes quite strongly, perhaps because like me he will take no nonsense and can be quite stubborn. Although for both myself and my young son, we always take into account others feelings and wishes and try to do whats best for all.  Is that a side effect of living this kind of life??

Anyway, that’s not the problem really, I have learnt to deal with that part of my life so it doesn’t affect me too badly.  The problem is my partner, and his mother.  We have been together only a short while, a year, although I love him to death, something is not quite right, im not sure if this is it or what.

He seems to have a very strange relationship with his mother, he seems to want to draw away from her yet doesn’t seem able.  She is ill, but to be honest, knowing from the medical conditions my mum suffers from, and the meds taken by both, this woman doesn’t appear to be as ill as she makes out.  There are 2 conflicting stories of my partners childhood, his where he says he got away with anyting and everything and was spoiled rotten, and hers where she says she was as hard as nails on him. She did once say to me that there was no way I was taking her son away from her, she calls him an only child, but hes not, he has a sister that his mum wont even aknowledge being born.  She will tell him he doesn’t need visit every day, (they live quite close) but goes up like a rocket when he doesn’t, she is perfectly capable of driving past his house to visit others, but the thought of ‘popping’ in doesn’t seem to occur to her, yet on the one rare occasion she did when I was visiting, (and in fact was going home the next morning) and was told it was not a good time and maybe she should have rang first, again the fireworks for the next few days were astonishing, Im glad I wasn’t there, or they would probably have been far worse. His visits to me, well, most of the time he doesn’t even tell her, or does just as hes leaving, he says its not worth the hassle he knows he will get.  My partner and I recently became engaged. His mothers, and in fact both his parents response was not what I expected. Rather than be pleased, she just didn’t seem bothered, no congratulations, just a, “well its your life”.  His father went so far as to say, “what the hell you doing that for”.  I was/am shocked, im not a bad person.

He too seems to have problems, he cant seem to look at a situation from another perspective, we have had many discussions because hes talked to someone and taken their opinion, and will hold tight onto this adamant that the person he spoke to is right, despite me showing that another side may just exist and maybe he should look at things from both sides.  New people he meets, very rapidly become the best of buddies, in a remarkably short space of time, then seem to melt when someone else appears. Disagreements always wind up with old arguments that are supposed to be over and buried being dragged back out of the grave, or matters that have no connection being thrown in for good measure,  then we will have threats to leave, followed by days of nasty spiteful name calling,(from him, which I try my best to ignore), even to the point he uses an internet chat forum where we are both known in order to humiliate me.  Then its like nothing has happened.   I can only remember once him actually taking any of the blame for any disagreement, other than that, its always my fault. The only person he seems able to say no to is me, everyone else its like he cant manage it, especially his Mother, is he scared? or just wants to keep up an image he has or thinks he does. Im sure there are many other things, but these are just the ones off the top of my head right now.

You may be wondering why I stay, well…..I do love him.  Although, I admit im at a crossroads right now, do I put up with this kind of treatment, or do I leave and find a more peaceful life.  Im not really sure if his problems fit, guess im hoping that someone can say yes or no. (oh, and i apologise for the length of this)

pennyplant

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Re: Could this be it??
« Reply #1 on: November 01, 2006, 09:45:11 PM »
Welcome, Cassieamber.

It seems like this place could help you to sort out some things going on in your life.  And it sounds like there is a lot right now.  Any one of these people could take up a lot of your time and energy.  But you have several to deal with.

I remember once when my son told me he was seeing someone and he sounded tense and said that it was a "volatile" relationship.  Not at all the tone or the words I would have expected to hear from someone who was in love.  And I would have expected him to be in love in the beginning of a serious relationship.  I told him I didn't think it was supposed to feel like that at this stage of things.  Instead, he sounded like a person who had been married forever and was chafing at the bit.

Your description of your relationship reminds me of how my son sounded about his relationship at that time.  They eventually broke up and were friends for quite a while afterwards.  Now he has someone else in his life and they seem happy and easy together.

I would hope for something like that for you.  Easy and happy together.  Not one problem after another and here you're not even married yet!  Sometimes love isn't enough.  For now just devote some thought and attention to the issues.  That is my suggestion (to be taken with a grain of salt of course!!!)  I also wonder what your other relationships with men were like and how do they compare with this one.  Do you recognize any patterns?

Welcome, and I hope you find this place to be helpful.

Pennyplant
"We all shine on, like the moon, and the stars, and the sun."
John Lennon

Plucky

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Re: Could this be it??
« Reply #2 on: November 02, 2006, 01:25:11 AM »
Hello Cassieamber and welcome,
I'm glad you came here.  I think if you read the board and archives you will find much to learn about similar situations.
I am not sure how to be diplomatic about this.    I am floored by the things you mention and I think you should stop and think about why you love this man and how your life will be if you go ahead and get married.    I can't write much as my carpal tunnel is acting up.  So I'll cut to the chase.  I think it will be horrible.
And what about your sons?
Maybe you two can go to a therapist together.  If his mommy allows that.
Plucky

Hopalong

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Re: Could this be it??
« Reply #3 on: November 02, 2006, 01:41:07 AM »
Hi Cassie, and welcome!

Here's my quick and sleepy take, so I hope you'll forgive my bluntness. As it strikes me, here are the impressions I got:

Your mother was horribly mean and abusive to you. I am so sorry. I want to buy you gallons of Ben and Jerry's.

Your partner's mother was a dominating bullying, likely N. And the poor fella has grown up with no boundaries or clear sense of self, and an automated BLAME response that I think would be awful to live with for a lifetime.

This may not be a happy partnership. Can you look hard at your motives for marrying him? There's a world of unhappiness ahead, I fear, and could it possibly be that it's a "better anyone than being alone" kind of relationship? I've been in them. They often end very painfully. I've been divorced twice and it's truly something to avoid if you can.

With long struggle, I've learned I can be happy alone. Do you feel you can love yourself enough to make that Job One, and let getting marryied a decision for later? Getting some counseling for yourself to really sort through your feelings about your fiance and his mother could be invaluable to you now.

I'm glad you're here. There are so many wise voices who will offer you help.  Please keep posting!

Hopalong
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Cassieamber

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Re: Could this be it??
« Reply #4 on: November 02, 2006, 04:38:41 AM »
Thanks ever so much for the replies. I have done a lot of reading and have to admit to still being confused as to wether im on the right path here, so much seems to fit but then so much doesn’t.

Firstly being alone doesn’t scare me, Its been 10 years since the father of my children walked out for another woman, and in those 10 years, I have had 2 relationships, not counting this one, the first was with a man who wanted children that I couldn’t provide, the second with a man who after a year I discovered to be an alcoholic, (yes, he hid it very well at first), with long breaks in between, I have known my current partner for far longer than we have been partners, that was something that developed as time went on.

I cant really say that any 2 of them have been the same. Or maybe they have and I just cant see it myself.  Im a fairly easy going person, (that’s probably the only thing that’s kept me sane all these years) if someone wants something, and its not a bit deal to give it to them then I will. My family (mum and sis) have in the past taken enormous advantage of this, using me as a taxi service, baby sitter, ATM, that kind of thing, but all that stopped a long time ago when I said enough was enough.  They still try every now and again though.

The problems with my own mother, like I said, have kind of reached a truce.  We get on better than we ever have, she still tries to control things, she still has the occasional need to be center of attention, but she knows now I wont tolerate it. I do see patterns there, things from my own childhood being done to my children by her, especially to my youngest son, mostly verbal, things like, “you are making me ill” or making a drama  because he doesn’t like certain foods, and his refusal to eat them after she has gone to all the effort of cooking for him is making her ill. like hes not entitled to have his own preferences because hes a child,  but again, im not sure if that is just bad parenting skills carrying on through or if its evidence of something more deep rooted. So much I have read and thought, that’s my mother.

My partner on the other hand, originally I laughed off any disagreements as ‘male hormones’ to be honest, they aren’t really major to start with, things that could easily be resolved, I feel, by talking, but they tend to get blown out of all proportion by him. And it irritates me that there has to be an emphasis on blame, usually on me. Im quite prepared to accept im not perfect and will take my share of it, but I don’t see why I need to take it all, and its never just the disagreement at hand, this one has to be added to the last one and any others till it really becomes a mountain out of a molehill.  Again, in not sure if there is something more deep rooted there or if im dealing with a spoilt little brat who has never really grown up and is still tied to mummys apron strings.  In general he is a wonderful man,  but these repeated behaviours are clouding everything at the moment, and the inability to ‘talk’ and then the ‘lets get on as if nothing has happened’ is really strarting to affect my judgement.

As for his mother, well, am sure given chance I could deal with her the same way I delt with mine, I believe you call it setting boundaries, I  may be simplifying things, but to me its positive reinforcement, rewarding the good and ignoring the bad. But its wether he would allow me to do that or would undermine it,  I don’t know, like I said, he seems to want to draw away from her, but cant.  I really don’t believe shes as ill as she makes out, I honestly see it as a blackmail tool. She seems perfectly able to carry on a normal life when it suits her, yet is more than willing to fall back on the ‘woe is me’ when needs be.

Why do I stay??  I guess im not the kind of person who likes to give up on things easily, despite the bad, I can still see all the good. I have read so many times of  people with partners who are (or may be) N and the general opinion seems to be ‘get out’. Perhaps the person I am doesn’t want to believe that that is the only available option.


Again, I apologise for the long post.

Hopalong

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Re: Could this be it??
« Reply #5 on: November 02, 2006, 09:25:52 AM »
Long posts are good, no apologies needed.
This is how we get to know you.

I sympathize with your easy-going, forgiving nature.
But it's good that you're questioning now...now's the time.
That's even the purpose of engagement, in a way...to evaluate
for a good while, and not move forward with a marriage until you're
very certain you're heading forward with as many positives as you feel
would make it a long and happy one.

Sounds as though he "kitchen-sinks". And blames. And probably learned
both from his mother.

You do have choices. Maybe there's an interim one?
You and he could do a series of premarital counseling appointments and
tests. Some churches offer it, or therapists who specialize in couples
counseling. Have you thought of giving something like that a try?

Hopalong

"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Cassieamber

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Re: Could this be it??
« Reply #6 on: November 02, 2006, 06:22:42 PM »

Hi again,

Im not sure if counselling would be worth even mentioning, he has a very 'English' attitude to that, its not 'the done thing'.

I dont know if i have done wrong, but this afternoon i received one of those 'nothing has happened' messages, and i'm afraid, being tired and emotionally weary, i kind of lost it. I replied that he didnt want a wife, he wanted someone he could control, just like his mother has controlled him all his life, and he wanted to do that to me because he didnt know any better.

I know i probably shouldnt have sent it, but then again in a strange kind of way its made me feel a little better, that i have actually voiced what i am thinking to him.

I have spent most of the day feeling so very angry, not just at him and his family, but with mine and myself too.


Plucky

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Re: Could this be it??
« Reply #7 on: November 03, 2006, 12:27:38 AM »
Hi Cassie,
there is nothing strange about your good feeling.   It is very healthy.   And you have not 'lost it'.  You gained your voice and well, ok, you lost the chance to be in pain for a long long time!  While it may not be poetic, I like the phrase, 'follow your gut'!
Plucky

penelope

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Re: Could this be it??
« Reply #8 on: November 03, 2006, 09:11:58 PM »
hiya cassie,

Do these feelings bring up a tremendous amount of guilt in you?  If so, I can relate.  My feelings were stuffed way down waaaaaay downnnnnnnnn inside for so long, when they finally emerged it was like a volcano erupting.

Your fiancee is triggering you, I believe.  It is quite possible that some mother stuff is being projected around as well.

Good for you for using your voice and finding the courage to express those feelings!

hugs,
bean

Cassieamber

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Re: Could this be it??
« Reply #9 on: November 05, 2006, 07:31:33 AM »
Hi Penelope.

I guess i have never said whats on my mind before because i know i would have felt guilty if what id said would cause any emotional pain, it was pure anger and frustration, mostly at the 'lets get on like nothing has happened' attitude, but i did feel better after i had said it.

I seem to be dealing with 3 seperate things, him, my family, and his family.

Not to mention the, thoughts of 'am i bringing all this on myself' in some way, have i been pre -programmed? is my 'easy going, ok, fine' nature not really what i thought it was? Am i not the person i thought i was.

:(

penelope

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Re: Could this be it??
« Reply #10 on: November 05, 2006, 08:57:51 AM »
hi again cassieamber,

its possible..but - IMHO being "easy going" is way overrated.  I'd rather have a voice, personally.  you?   :wink:

((((((((((((((((((cassieamber))))))))))))))))))))))))


As women we are programmed to think we should be super-human, super-people pleasin, and super-nice.  Hops, please weigh in here anytime, as you can probably say this so much more eloquently than I...

The fact of the matter is - we're just human, and we're allowed to and do have needs too.  And it's OK for us to voice em.

As for expressing that pure anger and frustration when he tries to brush things under the rug --you're correct that it's not appropriate to do that and uncaringly hurt his feelings.  But - could you get the anger out (hit pillows, scream) and then go to him and express what you feel?  That way the feelings aren't directed at him, but he gets a sense of what you feel.  (that'd be communicating)  If this is all terrifying to you, you're not alone.  When we figure out we've been abused as children and it has real consequences now that we're adults, it can be quite overwhelming.  It can feel like we are to "blame" for quite a bit.  In actuality, it was our less than adequate parent(s) that are to blame - although I don't like that term very much - blame.  Maybe it'd be more neutral to say - they did the best they could with what they knew...unfortunately for me, it was not enough, and now I'm going to have to do some damage control- some re-parenting of myself.  It is a challenge I'm up to, however. (positive)  I trust that the people I love will help me through this too.  (in your case, your fiancee)

I know how deeply troubling it can be, and how scary it can feel, to trust someone for the first time.  In my case my b/f.  In the coming months I believe you will make this same choice for yourself.  Will your finacee be a source of love and support for you, or will you not trust him - perhaps as you come to the conclusion that he's not able to support you in being the best person you can be?

hugs,
p bean
« Last Edit: November 05, 2006, 09:11:35 AM by penelope »

Hopalong

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Re: Could this be it??
« Reply #11 on: November 05, 2006, 02:38:15 PM »
Quote
As women we are programmed to think we should be super-human, super-people pleasin, and super-nice.  Hops, please weigh in here anytime

That's eloquent enough for me, PBean! But yes...I agree. The real effects of "girl training" are quite stunning to me when I really face them. Like turning into a headwind. It is very very powerful stuff, throughout this culture and the world, that says to girls, less than, don't deserve, manipulate, and especially, shhhhhhhhh.

((((Cassie))))
You're doing great. Really thinking and poking around, not taking "truths" for granted.
Good for you.

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."