Self-esteem

[Sela]

It's probably reasonable to say that one of the major effects of experiencing trauma/abuse is the lowering/weakening/destruction of one's self-esteem.  At least, from what I've read, this is so often mentioned that it seems almost a given.  Our self-esteem is greatly effected by these experiences.

There are ways to combat this problem and increase self-esteem (which seems essential to healing) and so a thread on this topic might be helpful.  I'm hoping others will find links that are interesting or helpful and post them here (and that those links will be of use to all of us).

Here's one I found interesting because it's a slightly different approach:

http://www.resiliency.com/htm/build.htm

Sela

[Hopalong]

Sela, thank you.
I love the premise of the question, such a simple turnaround:
How have you managed to do as well as you have done?

A lot of compassion in that view...and thanks for starting this thread.

((((Sela))))

Hops

[Sela]

Here's another one I like because of the simple way it explains self esteem:

http://www.utexas.edu/student/cmhc/booklets/selfesteem/selfest.html#anchor1643790

Hi Hops:

How have you managed to do as well as you have done?

What a nice thing to say/ask.  Thankyou ((((Hops)))). 

When I was a kid I had no psych terms or real understanding of what was happening but somehow, deep inside I felt like the way to survive was to not let my heart fill up with hate (seriously!  that's what I thought and I think it helped).  Being bull-headed I refused to let that happen so no matter how many times I was told I was useless or mistreated or whatever.....I just tried really hard to reject the words/actions and the pain was not as intense, maybe, as it might have been.  Sometimes, I was not very successful, so I know I believed and felt unworthy, unlovable and lost faith in myself (which is really what self esteem is....isn't it?).

However, I first heard the words "self esteem" when I was around 12 or 13 and from then on, realized that I had a problem and so I read and learned and worked at improving it.  So even all my rejecting and stubborness didn't really save me, I think my teacher did (pretty sure it was a teacher who talked about self esteem) and for that I am really grateful.  I was lucky to have the drive to read, learn and do what I had to try to improve it.

Still, every time we experience trauma, abuse or even when we simply fail at whatever we are trying to achieve.....I think, at least for me, my self esteem suffers (is it like that for others?).  I don't think it's something one can build up and it will just remain at that level (unless it is learned that way to begin with).  I think it's something that has to be constantly re-enforced, frequently examined and often worked at...in order to over ride the negative junk already learned.   At least, that's what it's been like for me.

I do think I have a good level of self esteem but I also think I have to work hard to keep it that way (maybe people who have never been abused or suffered trauma don't have to work so hard at it?  Maybe with loving, encouraging, nurturing parenting......people grow up with healthy self esteem to begin with and don't have to try so hard to love, encourage and nuture themselves??  I don't know. Sure seems that way for me).

How about you Hops?  Does any of this ring true for you?

Sela

[Hopalong]

Hi Sela,
That makes complete sense to me.

In just the last few years (since hitting bottom with an Nbf, the next-to next-to last, a relationship in which for the last time I gave myself away...) I have had less of the sense that I've got to pour it in from the top as the level lowers, drained by failure.

I think I came to a point where I felt I had failed so spectacularly that there was nothing to do but sit on my keister and admire how extremely well I failed. And how nicely I was sitting here in the puddle of my own making. And how damp my derriere was feeling. After a while I looked around and saw people dotted all over the landscape, some sitting in their puddles, some clambering to their feet, others hauling another up, some mutants leaping along like gazelles.

Now I think more in terms that my self-esteem is lower overall, but at a more natural, less pumped-up level. And when it drops and refills, it seems to be more filling from a spring inside. (Not altogether, it takes conscious work too...but I think mostly it was in not fighting failure. Once I quit fighting the things that had happened, it was easier to think of them not as things that defined me, but as things that had happened.)

No idea if I'm making sense, but I hope so!

Hops

[Sela]

Hi Hops:

Oh yes!  What you're saying makes complete sense to me too.  I like the visual of filling it up by pouring it in.  It seems realistic.

At this ripe age, I think my self esteem level doesn't drop as fast or as far as it used to and the level comes back up quicker, after let downs, than it may have years ago, but I still have to do the pouring.  I do have to make a conscious effort not to beat myself up too badly when I experience failure or great disappointment in myself and I have to block out the voices of negativity and consciously reinforce the good.

The idea of pumping up the level of self esteem and especially, possibly over-filling it....led me to think of this question:

http://www.faqfarm.com/Q/What_is_the_difference_between_healthy_narcissism_and_pathological_narcissism

I like the way this person spells out the difference and I hope...it helps take the taboo away from the idea of loving self (which sounds so Nish eh?).

Sela

[Sela]

Another good article.  I love the suggestion to re-examine our childhoods/(traumatic experiences) and count up all the brave things we did..... to help build self=esteem.  Giving ourselves credit for what we did right!

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-2822.html

Sela

[Peapod]

Sela that's a great point

when you think about people's actions in general....it's almost scary how pretty much everything comes back to a simple reflection of how that person feels about themselves.

I may be just idealistic but can't help thinking if we educated the world on building self esteem/taking responsibility for our own lives, many many of the worlds problems would be almost instantly eliminated - depression, eating disorders, alcoholism, co dependency=abusive relationships....

Make you wonder just why isn't the world doing this already? money?

P x

[Dazed1]

Sela,

Great post.  Thank you.

"I do have to make a conscious effort not to beat myself up too badly when I experience failure or great disappointment in myself and I have to block out the voices of negativity and consciously reinforce the good."  Well put, Sela, same for me.

Hops, love the puddle imagery.

Peapod:
"when you think about people's actions in general....it's almost scary how pretty much everything comes back to a simple reflection of how that person feels about themselves.

I may be just idealistic but can't help thinking if we educated the world on building self esteem/taking responsibility for our own lives, many many of the worlds problems would be almost instantly eliminated - depression, eating disorders, alcoholism, co dependency=abusive relationships...."

The author Alice Miller talks about this:  She looks at the childhoods of world dictators like Stalin and Hitler and traces their murderous, destructive acts to childhood and ultimately sense esteem.  She essentially argues that the world would have a lot less evil and murder if children were treated with dignity (ie: self esteem).  I believe she says that the reason things like self esteem aren't taught in childhood is due to generational ignorance, unawareness and taboo.

So sad, cause teaching stuff like self esteem would be so easy and the benefits would be so immense.

dazed

[poetprose]

Very good article thanks for posting it

[Hopalong]

Me too.
Thanks, (((Sela)))

Hops

[Daisysforyou]

Thank-you for offering the website, I found it to be quite helpful!

[moonlight52]

Sela ,
As always your compassion shows the way to self- esteem..............

to help build self=esteem.  Giving ourselves credit for what we did right!
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-2822.html

Sela

thank you !!!!!
moonlight

[Sela]

Hi Moon!

Good to see you!  Thankyou for thanking me.  That was sweet!

Here's a great site for anyone wishing to work on getting healthy and fit (weight loss and excercise).  There is a great deal of info and good tools, lot's of people supporting eachother, even experts to ask if you have questions.  Check it out!

www.sparkpeople.com

Next, one of my favs!  This is the place to check out when you're ready to take the next step in changing your behaviour and attitude.  Another one with good tools and info and best of all it's interactive, which makes it really feel like you have a life coach.

www.toolstolife.com

Both are free to join.

  Sela

[sea storm]

wow, I loved this site and it is very helpful.

Often I feel like the problem and really the problem is external. In some zen way it is good to maintain self esteem and love oneself and just deal with things that happen. Like narcissists. OR don't deal with them and regard them as huge boulders rolling down a steep mountain that are not meant to be outrun but side stepped or avoided.

Currently, I am sitting in a puddle just thinking about all of this and enjoying the puddle much as I enjoyed rain and puddles as a kid. A huge boulder just passed by and I got nicked so I need a rest.

Thanks for the wonderfulness of your thoughts and feelings.

Love,
Sea storm